Still love her, but...

[Praetorian]

Well here’s my LONG story,

 

We had a relationship of 4 and a half years, in 31 of July she broke up with me, she said she needed time to think and to find herself alone. Now the background of the whole relation:

 

She was my first gf and still is. I always had problems in letting people enter my life. Problems that were passed to me specially by my mother in an unconsciously way. She was the first person that I felt comfortable to really enter my life. The only person that I could open to. In our relationship she alerted that fact to me several times, that I must be open to people, that I have to experience things more.

 

Physically all people say that I’m much more prettier than her, she always felt inside the relation some inferiority complex, she was always saying that I was smarter, prettier and that she was nothing, that she was going to give up from university and I always helped her and convinced that she was in no way less smarter than me and that she was more than capable from finished university. In conversations that we had she said many times that it seems that she picked up the winning lottery ticket, she felt that i was too much for her.

 

She doesn’t have a wealthy relation with her parents, specially her father who’s a very authoritive person, only his opinion matters, he’s the kind of person that is IMPOSSIBLE to have a constructive conversation. He’s infidel to her mother, although she (her mother) knows about it, she doesn’t do anything to reverse the situation. He has money and he controls and manipulates her mother, her, and her sister, it’s a well constructed façade.

 

In the beginning of the relationship I became to realize this facts, and become to tell my gf that that kind of behavior was anything but normal and tried to help her in reversing that situation. So that you know, for us to get out and take a walk we almost had to beg and she had to be at home at 7PM! At the time I was 21 and she was 20! I was very comprehensive about that and with time we would take a walk with minor problems.

 

At the weekends, she and her parents would go away and it doesn’t matter if I was ok with that or not. We spended the whole week in university and never had time to spend together and when weekends arrived it’s logical that I wanted to spend some time with her… But the authority on the other side always wined. Even that, with time we managed to convinced them with too much discussions, sometimes ridiculous discussions and begging that she could stay here and wasn’t forced to go with them.

 

Seing that kind of behavior was too harsh to me, seeing the way that the only person that you REALLY LOVED was being treated that way… I had to control myself, and folks…that was REALLY hard!

 

When she camed to me crying because of her family situation, that she couldn’t handle it anymore, in the beginning I was capable of saying that things would work out with time and patience but many times I was unable to say good things to her, I reforced that her family wasn’t normal and that they repressed her in a way that I couldn’t even imagine that such things existed. If she did something that her father doesn’t agreed the one that paid was her mother. So her mother was always saying to her: “don’t do that, you know your father’s reaction”… and when that kind of things wouldn’t work out she cried, she did some kind of emotional blackmail with her and she always fall into that.

 

Her family began to notice that she was no more with them, she wouldn’t go out with them in weekends and that side of the family tried to pressure her saying “you are no more with us” “look out because he’s jealous…” “you are not the same person…” etc.

 

And besides she agreed that her family specially her father wasn’t normal, when we discussed she always said that she needed to be with her family besides their abnormality and that made me confused because in one hand I did understand that fact and in the other hand she only said yes that I was right just to shut me up, she doesn’t wanted to see the problem.

 

The conversation that we had the past 31st July we had 2 or 3 times before, but this time she said to me things that hited very hard in my heart. Things regarding my relations with other people, the lack of affection and communication in the relation with my father and mother and the rest of the family. Things that I already resolved the most part of it by talking and really opening with all the members of my family. They always saw me as the strongest member of the family, that everything was always alright with me, and that i never gave problems to anyone and by the contrary always helped out others.

 

She said she needed time to think in herself, to rest, she said I removed her self-esteem. Is she confusing things? Many people that I talked to are of the opinion that this was a great proof of love that she demonstrated to me.

 

She’s in the process of going backwards, she’s trying to be with her family and she’s trying to explain them why she wasn’t there all this time. She’s trying to establish the relations that she had before we began our relationship. I’m scared that she fall’s right into that superficiality again, I think she’s trying to escape from the real problem. Because it’s very difficult to deal with her problems. She alerted me to my problems, that were unconscious problems passed by my parents, they are easily solved if there’s the will in me to do so. But did she do that to escape from her’s?

 

Just so that you become aware of the repression that she was involved, in 4 years and a half we didn’t really made love, we had other sexual approaches but no making love because of the problems that could result from one error. She didn’t take the pill because of health and hormone problems and she was very afraid that something went wrong. The repression got even to her body!! And I always respected her decisions, of course with some discussions about this abnormality.

 

Her problems are much more deep than mine, because they are perfectly conscious problems. I’m afraid that she doesn’t see that. I’m in the process of reconstruct my inner strength. The past week I didn’t call her and I don’t see her in 2 weeks. And every time that we talk I just let her know what I’m constructing my side, just to give her confidence. I think the best thing to do right now is to not call her and reconstruct myself, but it’s getting very hard because I love her more than anything…

 

Sorry for the long story, but it’s way too much background for you to understand. What do you think she’s thinking right now? Help appreciated!

 

Best regards for all of you!

[Praetorian]

I feel i got enough strenght for me and for helping her. But people say that i have already consumed myself too much in the relationship. I've made my errors and she made her's, but when you have the strenght inside your heart saying you want to be with her it's VERY difficult to spend too much time without her.

 

She says that needs to be alone even if she believes that things will workout and that i improved my jealous part. She says she's not able right now to help me because she doesn't feel alright. Problem is that she seems just to see my errors and is escaping from her's.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by Praetorian

she broke up with me, she said she needed time to think and to find herself alone.

 

Anytime a woman says this you need to believe her..

 

You take her at her word and disappear forever

 

You are better off that she is gone.. Come on.. Find herself alone..Where is the future in that ?

 

Never try and get a woman that says this back.. You will never be able to meet her expectations..

 

Do a full dose of NC and move on

[Praetorian]

She said she needed time to reencounter herself and that's a thing that she needs to do alone right now. It was in that sense that she said that.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Same difference .. Let her go ..

 

 

Full dose of NC and move on

 

 

The funny thing is what you don't know.. and that is that you were just not for her.. she is already thinking of someone else..

 

 

If you continue she will hand you your heart ..

 

I gave someone else this same advice the other day ..

 

Pick up your balls, Stuff them back into your sack and move on

[Praetorian]

NC is what i have been doing for the past week. And i know that's the right thing to do for now. She called me 4 days after she broke up with me just to know if i was ok. What do you think she's thinking right now? It freaks me out to think she's going to go back to the superficiality of her family life and escape from her fears and problems... as she had done all the time...

[ButtonPusher]

There are some similarities in your story to my situation with my ex. Although the issues are different. My ex also said to me that I destroyed her self esteem, and that hurt for a long time after that, making me question so many things about what I've done and how she behaved in situations.

She says she's not able right now to help me because she doesn't feel alright. Problem is that she seems just to see my errors and is escaping from her's.

 

I copped this line too. My ex broke up with me 5 months ago and I didnt start to recover until I had a significant period of NC. You cant solve her problems buddy, just let her go. She will call you at some point after NC and she will still be confused, but dont mix it up with her wanting to be with you. You've seen that you have things to work on improving your self so take pride in the fact that you've looked critically at yourself and made some changes. NC and move on.

[Praetorian]

What if she calls? I don't want to ignore her by not answering because i feel that that way she will think i'm not there for her. Her father always prohibited her and her mother to see her mother's part of the family... Ridiculous uh?!

 

So this whole week she went to visit her grandmother that's all alone. Do you think she went there to escape from the pressure ambience she had always lived in? Her grandmother seemed to me the only lucid person in her family even though i only talked to her a few times, and was the only person that understood all the way the supperficiality that she's forced to live in.

 

I know i can't solve her problems but the will in me to help her is too strong. She knows i love her more than ever, she knows i have solved the most part of my problems, she knows all that, i have told her what my heart and my head think in this painfull moment. But what if she calls? Do i still give her confidence or do i alert her to her problems? Sooner or later i have to have a really BIG and SERIOUS conversation about her problems, because i'm terrified that she fall's right into the bait and that way she will NEVER be truly happy.

 

I come to realize that the problem was that i tried to opened her eyes to the whole background she lived in. For her it would be much more easy to have someone on her side that just kept quiet and didn't said anything, so that she could live in that stupid façade that they throw over her.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by Praetorian

What if she calls? I don't want to ignore her by not answering because i feel that that way she will think i'm not there for her.

 

 

 

You are broken up and she she crapped all over you.. Why would want to be there for someone that treats you shi**y?

 

Ignore Her..

 

Actions speak louder than words..

 

Until she shows you by her ACTIONS that she can commit to you and not give you heart tugging bs then continue ignoring her..

 

ACTIONS not words are what matters in your situation

[Praetorian]

Today is the day. YES or NO. I'm going to tell her everything i put up in our relationship. I don't care if i'm going to be rude with her. Don't care. She and her family had used me too much. It's not going to be with me that she and her family will continue to play manipulation games. If she doesn't want to see her problems i don't care. I'm not going to be the dispenser of her problems.

[Iluvsiamese]

This problem is something that you can't help her with. The reason? She doesn't want you to. She wants (right now) to choose the familiar prison and pain inflicted by her family. She has chosen them rather than you. Will she ever decide to stand up on her own two feet? Maybe, but not now and not with you. Her father appears to have such a hold on her that it makes you wonder what else is going on that isn't seen. However, until he is out of the picture, it is unlikely that there will be any changes here. Do you want to take a chance and wait that long with no guarantees of what she will do then.

 

Yes, you may love her but it won't fix this problem. I think that Fly is right here, you need to just walk away.

[Praetorian]

It has been a while since I didn’t come here to the forum, fortunately I had been busy with…MYSELF

 

Update:

 

In the past day 17 we spoke during 5 hours, an adult conversation without roundups. First she wanted to run away from the conversation saying that she already had other things arranged, but I said to her that we are not two children and that i HAD to talk with her.

 

Basically I said to her that she had problems (way too many problems) and that she had to solve them and the way to do that would not be speaking with her family but looking into herself and finding professional aid completely out of this circle so that she can throw away all her repressed feelings she has inside. It’s something that I can feel, I mean the way she talks, (and I know her very well) even her body language says to me that she NEEDS to talk about her problems. I justified to her that the lack of affection of which she complained a lot happened because, be sincere with me, could anyone handle 4 and half years without any sexual relation? The problem here was that I was VERY comprehensive during this time or is she who has enormous self esteem problems, fears and insecurities?

 

I told her we started the relationship the two of us without love for ourselves and we started to search each one’s life in one another when our life was not in the other but in ourselves. Logically this leads to a weak construction of the proper relationship where we searched fragile and inadequate parts for what we intended to build. She agreed to everything, she knows that she has problems and inclusively she knows which are, but justified her behavior with the fact to always have been her behavior. She always preferred to help others as a way to run away from her own problems. What she said to me was that in this way while she was helping others, nobody remembered that she had problems and thus nobody would bored her with her own problems.

 

She always had too much fear to have sexual relations and I always understood her and I respected her therefore, but the fact of respecting does not mean that does not lodge in me a rejection feeling and probably it was this that made me see other things in different ways. Probably from there, the daily lack of affection that she complaint as being the main reason of rupture, progressively vanished, because, let’s be direct, if I am not good for one thing why would i be good for other? It was this type of thought that was developing in my subconscious.

 

However the only thing that she can or wants to see is exactly the opposite - that I did not gave her affection therefore I did not deserve the rest (sex), and that I only was with her when I wanted the sexual level. I left the conversation thinking that i had said everything I would want to say to her in a pleasant and polite way. I left the conversation judging that both of us had perceived ourselves mutually. After that I felt deeply relieved and in that time I thought that for the good or the worst at least it said everything to her in a sensible and calm way.

 

She was pleasantly surprised for the many things I said to her and for thinking the way I am thinking. We hugged and kissed one another and staid a couple of minutes kissing and hugging. Friday (19) I invited her to go out but she said that she already had plans with her cousin and sister and day 21 I invited her again and she telephoned me saying that I was making too much pressure.

 

Why is she constantly running way from her feelings? What is she afraid of? I seriously don’t understand, sometimes i think she is even afraid of being loved. She also agreed that the lack of affection she always felt on the male side of her father made her expect too much from my side as I would be responsible for eliminating that lack also, but that’s too much for anyone, not just for me.

 

Sincerely I already started to think only about me, and fortunately I have obtained success even because all the people around me including others said that I already consumed myself in this relationship in a way that nobody would be consumed at all. They also point out that the fear of her in having sexual relations was the main reason of the rupture.

 

I seriously liked to know your opinion about her behavior and to also track a psychological profile here, if possible.

 

Cheers for you all, and thank you VERY much for your help

[Praetorian]

She allways had jealous of a girl who was in our class in university. Should i ask for her phone number through my ex? What do you think would be my ex's reaction?

[sanne]

well it's pretty clear your not listening to anyone's advice at all. when we say this is going to end up badly if you keep in contact, we aren't saying because we want you to be miserable. we've all been in your shoes, one way or another, and we know what happens in situations like this. you need to move on and forget this girl, if she wanted to be with you then you two would be together. you need to stop contacting her altogether and see how life can be outside this woman. then maybe in the future you two can consider a relationship together, whether it be friends or more.

[Praetorian]

You're right sanne. Looking back i know i haven't done the right things, specially after our last conversation. But in almost a month since the break up we contacted very few times. (i think...).

[Praetorian]

Today's one of those bad days... I'm struggling not to contact her...This really sucks... I'm totally down today.

[samski3409]

man, i know that feeling all too well!! just hang in there bro! what would you want to say to her if you did? just curious. sometimes i find saying what i want to say to my ex on here helps a bit.Cuz you've got people here that are real good at talking you down of that ledge.

[Praetorian]

I think is just the need to hear her voice and tell her that i love her more than anything but i know i should't. The ball is in her court right now. If she feels the same way i do she'd already contacted me though. But i think she's too proud for that. It's hard for me seeing her run away from herself... Anyway i think i can't do more than i just did...

 

Thanks for the support samski!!

[upsetnhurt]

"But i think she's too proud for that" - I'm not so sure you should be thinking this way. Believe me when I tell you that regardless of how "proud" she is.....if she decides that she loves you and wants to be back with you then she WILL seek you out and let you know. You need to go on the assumption that she does not and never will. You need to move on and realize that you and she were not meant to be and there is someone better out there for you. You will never get to meet her if you continue to sulk over a past love. Accept it and try to move on. Easier said than done I know yet we all need to heed this advice...ME TOO!

[Praetorian]

Terrible night! Dreamed about her... Couldn't sleep well at all!! I'm going to the gym... LOL I've been pretty well this past week and a half but now it seems all surfaced.

 

Do you think it's worth it to write her a LONG letter telling her how i feel about her? Wait... i know your answer! But do you think it'll pull something out of her?

 

upsetnhurt: I understand all that and that's what i've trying to do this whole month, believe me. But as you said easier said than done. Thank you for the support!

[Praetorian]

How can someone be so cold after 4 1/2 years together?! I seriously don't understand her... My mom saw her yesterday, and a friend of her got shocked when she told her that we were not together anymore and "proudly" told her "you don't believe me... see" - and extended her hand showing her the mising ring.

 

I don't know if it was façade because she was with her mother and cousin or what.

[Praetorian]

Is this in anyways normal?!?!

[upsetnhurt]

Praetorian,

 

It isnt that she doesn't care for you...it is just that she is content with her decisions and is simply living her life at this point. What would you rather her do here? Sulk, be depressed, call you every minute? Would that be fair to you in the long run? NO! She knows that by the decisions she has made she has to live by them and she is...........

[Praetorian]

Yes, you're right upsetnhurt, maybe someday she understands the errors she's making. But in that time maybe that's going to be me who's not going to be there for her... maybe...

 

Thanks again!

[upsetnhurt]

Praetorian,

 

No need to thank me as I am in the exact same boat as you and can't heed my own advice. My ex has not contacted me for two months and I just am still amazed that she could withstand it. I was there for her in every way I felt yet when it comes down to it she obviously did not feel the same love for me as I did her. The same can be said for your ex and yourself. It is definitely something that is difficult to digest yet the sad truth is that we have no choice. What is the alternative...call them and beg to try to convince them? Would we really want someone that needs to be convinced......NO! So we need to act smart and try to move on to bigger and better things.........