Donburi Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Lately I have been feeling so emotionally drained, I find myself feeling numb sometimes. When I do feel emotions, its always negative ones. There are times where I smile and laugh, but its not exactly the same...I just feel like a shadow of my former self. I'm sure many of you feel this way too. Its been three months since my bf broke up with me and ever since then my heart has been waiting for some kind of hope. These past three months I have been dragged through pain that I'm not sure where it will end up taking me. In the beginning I was so hopeful because my ex told me it was not over between us, and still says that to this day. Each day I waited and waited for that magical scene like in the movies to happen. One rainy evening, he would show up on my doorstep and told me he wanted me back... Lately, I have been feeling very pessimistic. I feel like a miserable old dog suffering in pain...My ex is holding a gun to my head, he could easily end it all if he wanted to...but no. He doesn't pull the trigger. He won't end it either because he doesn't have the willpower or he has hope for us. Whatever the case may be, he won't put me out of my misery. Three months isn't a long time if you think about it but I feel like I have aged so much already. I'm only 21 and I feel like I lost my youth. I'm not happy, the thought of going out and having fun doesn't appeal to me, all I want to do is stay home and mope around. I fear the longer I wait I will start to slip into a depression. I am obsessed with my ex and the decision he will make. It is all I can think about now. I think about it at school (and I just recently found out I might fail one of my classes because of my lack of effort I put into it) I think about it at work, and the first thing I do when I come home is to check his myspace and my email accounts, hoping to see an email from him. I never do. I'm scared of what this is doing to me...I know I have so much potential. I'm a pretty good artist but I have no desire to draw anymore...I'm not the brightest person in the world but I always managed to do well enough in school...now, I might be failing a class...My life now revolves around this situation. I have lost control of everthing I once had. I'm scared of what I will be like in the future. I want to move on so badly and maybe I'm just going about it in all the wrong ways...but part of me doesn't want to. I still feel there is hope. I know most of you are thinking that the chances don't look too good, and that my ex is just stringing me along and normally it wouldn't take this long for an ex to decide what he/she wanted...but, its a bit different. My ex is going through pain too, if not more so. I did a horrible thing to him. I cheated on him with our good friend. Of course, in the end, its completely my fault, but after thinking about it, I feel that there were some factors that came into play. 1. My bf is a super hardcore gamer. If you are dating one (or anybody with an obsession, for that matter), then you probably have moments where you felt neglected. This was my problem. 2. I had no friends so when I did feel lonely or neglected, I demanded attention from my bf, who wasn't giving me 100% of it anyway, so when I asked, he pulled away even more. More problems. 3. His best friend, who had recently become mine, was "filling in"(hung out with me, called me, complimented me, etc..we were never in a relationship) for my bf. He confessed he was in love with me after the incident happened. I honestly do not feel that I led him on, I will not lie and say we never flirted with him, but I don't think I ever went over the line. But, who knows. Different people take things differently, I suppose. 4. I became attracted to the friend because of the way he treated me. I was also curious of what it would be like to be with someone else since my bf was my first. Grass is greener on the other side, blah blah. Now I know that the grass I had was perfect...thats how it usually works though, huh. 5. My ex and I find out our friend had "manipulated" me while we were friends. He would tell me strange things about my ex, saying how he didn't believe my ex loved me and all that...stupid me, I never thought badly of my friend because I thought he was a good guy and was looking out for my well-being. Thanks to my insecurity (I am VERY VERY VERY insecure AND paranoid, guess he sensed that) I began to doubt my ex's love for me. May 1st was the day. My ex and I were having a fight about me hanging out with the friend too much (he would express how it bothered him how close I had become to our friend, but would still constantly play games all the time), he ended up locking me out of his room. I was sobbing at this point and went into another room where our friend was. He comforted me, said something along the lines of "see? he doesn't care about you...why else would he lock you out?" And after a a moment or two he started to touch me in intimate places. I did not stop him because : 1. I was attracted to him so it was kind of exciting. I hadn't felt desired in a long time. 2. My ex and I hadn't been physical in a long time so...yeah...you can guess. We didn't kiss, didn't get naked, no oral sex or anything, his hand was just rubbing in between my legs. I think it lasted no more than 2 mins, but as luck would have it, my ex walked in to see the whole thing. My ex hates the friend, and wants nothing to do with him. My ex still talks to me, but only on AIM. Sometimes we hang out. He says it is too painful to see me and hear my voice. My ex does not want to date me or anybody right now. He can't say its over though and constantly reassures me that if he felt it was he would tell me. 3 months...and no answer yet. Good or bad. He always intiated the talks on AIM, I have learned to leave him be for the most part, which I think might have been surprising to him, considering when we had a break last year I was constantly calling him and bugging him. (he took a 2 month break because I had started being too clingy.) Recently he has been flirting with a 17 yr old girl on his myspace. They seem to talk alot on aim. He calls her cute, and she is. I find it almost funny that she is similar to me in some ways (except the cute part ) she's asian, an artist, from what I read on his myspace she kinda has the same personality...coincidence, I guess. Or I guess thats the kinda girls that appeal to him. Anyway, and I was being a huge hypocrite for doing this, but I expressed to him how it bothered me the way he talked to her. He said it was harmless, that while he does enjoy talking to her, its nothing more than that. He said he is 24 and she is 17 so that in itself is not an ideal thing to do, and that he is still not interested to date. I asked if the age thing wasn't a factor, could he see himself dating her and being happy once he was ready to? He said it was hard to think about now, but he admitted he could see himself doing that. Hearing this really hurt me... Well, as I mentioned earlier, we have been, for the most part, talking on AIM. He wants to be friends for now, until he knows what he wants. He says he can't even begin to focus on US so he believes being friends is the best we can do for now. That made sense to me. But everytime we talked, I would always bring up our future. I always asked questions. This drove him crazy. Because of my insecurity, he ended up having to reassure me over and over and tell me the same things over and over. All he wanted to do was to take his mind off of everything until he was ready and here I was bringing up topics he was not ready to discuss.Recently I realized that not only was the way I was acting was hurting him, but it was hurting me. Everytime I asked a question about our future, I was hoping for a positive response. I knew he had no answers and that it would be a while before he had any, and yet I always asked and I always set myself up for disappointment. So, a few days ago, I told him that perhaps it was for the best that we did not talk until he had something substantial to say. He wanted to talk like "buddies" online (talking about videogames and whatnot) and I did try my best to do so, but I always ended up hurting the both of us by asking stupid questions. I realized that it was impossible to just be friends with him because it hurt too much, and that it hurt him when I wanted to talk in ways that friends normally don't do. We were both reluctant to do so, but we both agreed that we should not talk until he had an answer. And so, NC started. Stupid me, I went and checked his myspace yesterday. He wrote about how that day was the best day he had in a long time, his buddies came over to play videogames, etc...this did not surprise me, what did was when he wrote he did NOT play videogames, he instead watched and was talking to his friend cute asian girl online. He talked about how much fun he had, etc...I didn't really know how to take it. I've already started to prepare myself mentally if they do start dating but it still hurt to read this kinda thing. I guess its possible he can be friends with this young girl and nothing more...but, with what all that happened, it seems unlikely for a girl an guy to be just friends. But, I'm a weak person. Maybe my ex is not as weak and shallow as I am. I don't really know why I wrote everything I did...I guess I was wondering, did I make the right decision? Was it selfish of me to ask for NC until he decides what he wants? He wants to be friends, and I wish I could give it to him, but I can't. It hurts so much to be around something you can't have. (I explained it to him by saying, imagine being around a new nintendo consule, but you can't use it. lol.) I know I deserve to be in pain for what I put him through, but how much should I go through? I seriously lost so much of myself these past three months, and I don't think I can take anymore. I want him to be happy, and when I told him that I hope that girl can finally be the one to make him happy, he said he hopes he can find happiness too, whether it be with me or whoever else who is meant to. Its when he says little things like that that keep me from moving on... He knows what I want. I've apologized so many times I've lost count. I tried explaining everything as best as I could. He knows what I did was out of character, and he understands in a way why things happened. He admitted that he didn't always give me the attention and quality time I needed. He says its not impossible for us to be happy again, but things are certainly different now. He really is a good boyfriend, he just really loves his videogames...he did treat me very well, and was a good-hearted person. We've been together for three years, and we were going to move to Japan together next year. I wondered if we will still move there together and he said we'll see what happens... I hate not talking to him...but I have to stay strong. I won't give in. He has to be the one to decide what to do, the ball is in his court....I don't want to upset him anymore...
queenie01 Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 I am in the same boat as you...tommorrow will make 3 months since my bf broke up with me and im not any better today than i was on the day he broke up with me. I held on to hope so much just because our relationship was awesome and we really broke up for no apparent reason. It breaks my heart to know that he broke up with me and is not dating anybody...just wants to be single i guess. I see him at work but i pretty much ignore him. Within the 3 months we have had a couple email conversations and one conversation at the gym and last week we spoke in the elevator by him initiating conversation. I really have nohting more to say to him. His bday was this past saturday and i didnt even email him or send a text...i feel like a complete jerk for not doing that now but am i in the wrong? I almost feel like now we will never speak again!
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 You will heal and move on with your life.. Find someone new and be happy The ex will become a distant memory That is what NC is for.. To heal and move on
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Fly is right - NC is principally about healing. Sometimes it's a good basis for getting back together too, but don't count on it. Your ex knows how sorry you are, that your door is open. Now it's time to move on. Maybe he'll come back, maybe not. The ball is in his court. The myspace stuff may be for real, it may just be him putting a brave face on things.
Author Donburi Posted July 29, 2005 Author Posted July 29, 2005 Thanks for the replies, everyone. I know NC is what I need to do right now, no matter how hard it is...unfortunately, my first day of NC will have to start tomorrow (but I'm not even sure if I will follow through with that!), since I've ALREADY gave in and texted him online... (which is a first, he always ALWAYS texts me first...so that in itself was weird to do.) Read his stupid stupid STUPID myspace today (why do I torture myself like this?) he wrote a big 'ol entry about life, his career goals, and meeting that "special woman". I couldn't help but get the hint that he was writing about a specific someone and I doubt it was me, so I texted him and asked if he and that girl were dating...what happened? Hmm...hard to explain everything....maybe it'd be easier if I posted the conversation? So guys, care to help out a insecure dummy once again? Me: so... are you and **** dating? Him: nope, why? Not even close! I only talk to her online Me: so there is no chance of you two dating? Him: I'm not going to say it's impossible, but overly improbable. I'm almost certain nothing will come of it, because that's not what I want right now and she's young. Me: why do you keep flirting with her then? Him: It's just friendly flirting and she knows that Me: well what about when you are ready to date? Him: I'm pretty sure I'm going to be on the other side of the world (we are both moving to Japan next year, we planned on going together...now? not too sure.) Me: I read your entry on your myspace..so, is it over between us? Him: I don't think I ever said it was over, but just generalized about what I hope for someday Me: well you said you hope to find this so'n so woman, so I'm guessing I'm out of the picture. Him: No, it's more me hoping that the right development comes along for the big workings of things. I can't rule out who is going to be that person Me: so, you don't hang out with her? Him: nope Me: and you have no desire to date her? You do seem attracted to her... Him: not at this point, no. Me: so, what, you might someday? Him: I might have the desire, but again, I'll more than likely be in Japan by then. And I may not(want to date) Me: she's only 17, isn't she? so if you had to choose, you'd rather go and date a young girl then to try and give us another chance? Him: Right, what I was saying though is I don't want to date her now, and perhaps later, when she is 18, it could be more plausable and I never said I'd choose her over you Me: so if you're even having thoughts like that, of waiting til she is 18 then why are you keeping me around? its not fair for either of us. Him: because, I'm not saying I'm waiting for her! But it's not impossible by the time she is that age that I may want that! But I'm not saying that I want that for sure, or even at all! Me: well she must be something amazing if there is a chance you'll wait for her Him: I just said I wasn't willing to wait for that sake... that it would be mere chance, if anything. I'm not waiting for anyone. Me: so you're still gonna be talking to her when she is older? Him: umm...I may, yes. should I stop talking to her then? Me: what if we got back together? you'd still talk to her? Him: I talk to her because she's a friend... so... yes, I probably would. Me: you flirt so much with her I mean, you're single right now so its ok...but... Him: I would stop the playful flirting if we got back together. Me: who you do think you'd be happier with? Him: Wow, what kind of question is that? Different people yield different emotions. Me: well, apparently we're both options, who would you rather be with? Him: No, she is not an option. She is a FRIEND. Me: yes she is, because you said you could see yourself dating her. Him: That doesn't mean I will. I could see myself doing a lot of things. Me: well then why can't you says its impossible? Him: Because, it's not impossible! I just said improbable! Me: so are you saying I have a higher chance than her? Him: What do you think improbable means? Me: but its still not impossible. you say the same thing for me, so how can I not feel equal or even less to her? Him: She's young, I'm not ready, I'm going to be gone. There are three reasons. Me: all of those can change though. she's not always going to be young, you're going to be ready someday, and you don't have to move. Him: She will grow up, and I'm not going to base my life around someone right now. Once I am ready to settle down with someone, that's going to depend a lot on where I am. I'm going to Japan for my sake, not staying here for someone else's. Me: so you might wait for dating until you're in Japan? Him: That MAY also be the case, I have no idea! I may want to wait to get back to amerca! I have no idea! Me: well then I guess you two can date when you come back home... Him: When I get back, she may be off somewhere else! I may be in Seattle at Nintendo! I have no idea! Me: well you two better start discussing that soon... Him: Why do you think I'm so adament about being with her? Me: because you've obviously have given it alot of thought. Him: where did you get that idea? Me: you flirt alot with her, you talk on aim alot with her, you've thought about waiting til she was 18 and from what I can gather she seems to be your type. Him: She's the only one who fits that description? Me: who else are you doing that with? Him: arghhh!!! No one! But it's not impossible to go online and talk to plenty of people who could be just like that! or older, or more compatible, or whatever! Me: then why would you still want me if there are so many others out there? Him: I'm not looking for polygamy, I just want to find one RIGHT person. ONE. Me: well, didn't you think I was the ONE before this happened? Him: I did! Me: well isn't that enough to try and give it another shot? I made a stupid mistake, does that mean we can't make eachother happy anymore? Him: I'm not saying it's not worth another shot, it was just a pretty big shot to everyone. It's hard, and it takes time to recover from something like that. I don't know how much or easily I can forgive, but I can do it. Me: if I learned from all this and became a stronger person and if you became a bit more attentive, then what problems do we have? Him: We have a late solution. I'm not saying it's so late that it's over. But it's a really crappy fact that it takes something like that to make us realize everything. My heart is still aching, and it's going to be really, really hard for me to trust anyone for a long time. Me: yeah, its terrible, I agree. something that big is going to have a huge effect on us, will it be good or bad? we can make it good if we work at it. we can learn from our mistakes and make it better than before. Him: I agree, it is something that can happen Me: so, before this happened, you really did love me and wanted to move to Japan with me... Him: yes Me: well then there is a good chance, don't you think? if I change myself for the better and if you can find it in yourself to forgive me, then I don't see why we would have any more problems... Him: I know, and I understand all that, but the whole thing still happened, and regardless of how I want to feel, I'm really, really wary of relationships right now Me: it happened for a reason, though. we can either take it as something to make things better or use it as an excuse to go date other people. if you think you'd be happier starting over with someone new then please tell me. You deserve to be happy... Him: I dont know what I want, that's still, STILL the issue! I want to know, and I wish I knew when that would be, but I really, genuinely dont want to think about it Me: then what gave you the desire to write that entry? especially about finding that special woman? Him: Well, I DO want to find that special woman, just like I want to have kids someday and work at nintendo. Now is not the time, though. Me: doesn't that indicate that I'm not her, then? you know me and could be with me if you want but you'd rather go searching for "her"... Him: I'M NOT READY. That's the bottom line! I'd rather know when I'm READY! Me: so in the mean time you're just gonna flirt with underage girls and wait til they're of age? (yeah, very childish of me...I know... ) Him: No....I flirt with her just cause it's fun, and I'm not waiting around for her! I'm waiting until I'm ready to find someone, THEN I will be ready, as the waiting till ready part implies. Me: you keep saying til you FIND someone, so that implies that I'm not an option! Him : I know where to FIND you if I'm ready, don't I? Me: can I ask, are you more attracted to this girl than you are to me? Him: That's a difficult question to answer, because the attraction itself is different. Plus, I have a huge history with you, tons of memories and all that..so I'd say no. Me: its not that difficult to answer...you know when you're more attracted to one person than you are with another...thats what I think, anyways. Him: But you're attracted to different people for different reasons. Me: well I was talking about as far as dating goes. Him: Hmmm...I don't think about dating her, and I've dated you, so that's again, different. Me: you've thought about it though. Him: Ok, well, either way, I still said no. Me: do your friends know about her..? Him: yeah, why? Me: just wondering.. Him: Like, they've been sitting next to me or been in the room while I was talking to her online Me: they don't think anything is going on? Him: Well, they've asked me, and I've said no. People know I talk to her... Me: but people don't know about us.. Him: people DO know about us... Me : you never invite me over anymore or call me... Him: I don't even know what to say. I don't know what to do. Me: if you can't look at me the same way, and you don't feel the same way, then...I just don't understand how there is still a chance for us... Him: Time. Please, please, give it time. Me: I'm trying, I really am. :-( but I need something to give me the strength to wait...each time we talk you give me less and less hope for the future... Him: I can't give you anything right now... I can't do anything right now. Me: then why is there still a chance? only because ANYTHING is possible? is that all you're basing this off of? don't be afraid to tell me the truth... Him: I'm just saying that right now, this is not something I want. RIGHT NOW. And I'm not afraid to tell you its over, that would not be a problem, considering what you did. I'm not going to eradicate the idea of a chance, because that's not the case. Me: so you must still have feelings for me, then. Him: i never denied that. Me: I really want to show you how much better our relationship can be...not now, but hopefully soon...before Japan anyways...I miss being your chu (his pet name for me) :-( Him: I know..it's hard, and I miss it too. Me: I miss all the things we did, and I hate how I took you for granted sometimes... Him: But, we'll just let things run their course. I have to get going, though. (he always needs to leave after we have serious discussions ) Him: Do you want me to talk to you next time I'm on? (I had asked him a few days ago not to talk to me until he had an answer.) Me: its up to you, I'm most likely gonna just wanna talk about the future, so if you're not up for that then I suggest not to.. Him: We'll see. well...have a goodnight. Hey! you made it! Thanks so much for the long read. I know I sounded super childish (which I am, can't deny it) and I'm pretty much grilling him for the most part but its really hard for me to think before I speak/type. Both a blessing and a curse, I suppose. As for the "21 questions" game going on...well, to be honest, that is the only way to find out things with this guy. He won't lie if you ask him about something, but he won't bring it up on his own either, so if you want to know something, the only way you can find out is to ask. Pretty much everyone on here either tells me to move on or to wait. I can't seem to do either one. I feel I am disrespecting you all but ignoring your advice, and that makes me feel terrible because you are all good, helpful people. I'm not ignoring it but...I guess I am just a very weak person. I will have to learn the hard way if things don't turn out well. So...may I ask, if you read the conversation (you must be either a fast reader or a dedicated LS advisor lol ) what exactly did you get out of it? Unfortunately (warning : "pity me" whines coming up ahead) I don't have any friends so I don't really have anyone to talk to... :\ My ex and I shared a circle of friends and ever since the incident happened most of them choose not to talk to me anymore, not because they hate me or anything (though some do) but it was mostly out of respect for my ex. They were friends with my ex first, I entered the picture when we started dating.
upsetnhurt Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Donburi, You are going about this the entirely wrong way. You need to pull back and have no contact, both for yourself and him. You have said everything you can in terms of how sorry you were and how you feel about him. the more you "push" the farther he will run. He needs sometime to digest it all and to miss you. Then he just might miss you enough to regain the feelings that he once had. Please pull back and have no contact. Not for a day, week or month......longer.........it will be excrutiating I know yet consider it a chance to cleanse yourself of the recent past as well. Stop reading this "my space" too..........the more you read the less feelings you will still have for him too......don't you get it? Even if you get back together at the moment, things won't be the same as you can certainly tell his feelings have changed. Why would you want that?
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 29, 2005 Posted July 29, 2005 Donburi, You are exerting way too much pressure. Even if you were still dating, that would be too much pressure. Most of being together should be about enjoying the moment. Even when you're serious, planning to be together should only be a small proportion of the total. Particularly when he so obviously doesn't want to talk about it right now. And don't give him the 3rd degree. Men hate this. Romeo.
At Peace Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 Listen, there's no getting around this pain. My breakup was a little about 4 months ago. And only now am I able to wake up and feel like free of the unbearable pain of it. And it's a relief. In the meanwhile cry, talk to a friend, write on this message board, write a hundred times if that is what it takes! Read, buy yourself a pretty top. Do a hundred things to distract yourself. I swear every blank journal I see I buy and write out my heart. But the point is... leave the ex alone. Not because it will prove a thing to him, but I see now, (and I broke the NC tool as well) it does us broken hearted no good to contact them. By contacting them we are mentally picking a scab and infecting the wound. The ex has new interest and is going to pursue them. And why do you need to fill your head with those images. They tear your heart apart...so STOP it. You don't need to know what he is up to. Useless information. Everytime you cry, grieve you are healing. Do it and go through the process. It's hard, but you are not alone.
sanne Posted July 30, 2005 Posted July 30, 2005 There are so many stages to NC someone should write a book on it. First of all, if you aren't doing NC for the right reasons then you will never move on. I'll admit that I first did it to get some kind of reaction out of my ex, and I did accomplish that goal but after that I still didn't feel any better. Once I started doing NC for the right reasons (to move on, heal, etc.), I started feeling much better about myself. Once I started living a more balanced life I found enjoyment in so many other things. No, I'm not completely healed at this point, but I'm way better off than if I was still pining for my ex. In fact, I have stopped counting the days I've been doing NC, which I think is a good sign already. Best of luck to you.
Author Donburi Posted July 31, 2005 Author Posted July 31, 2005 I agree with everyone here, after re-reading that conversation I saw how crazy I was being. I really don't mean to be that way. And yes, if I want to get rid of all this pain I'm feeling, I must start on NC. I MUST! but... He called me the other day. HE CALLED. Ever since this whole thing happened we have for the most part, only talked on AIM. He called several times that day, actually... And then last night on aim he asked me if I would like to join him on his b-day (in two weeks.) Yep. Once again, I'm torn.
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 agree with everyone here, after re-reading that conversation I saw how crazy I was being. I really don't mean to be that way. i was reading it and i got very interested in it.... umm it was like you were choking him with all those questions lol.. but if thats the way you can get things out of him...but umm i think you stop going online to avoid him trying to talk to you and you begging for a second chance...trust me i did that and now that i think about it its low.. you have to have self respect.. dont put yourself in that position you hurt yourself while you beg and beg.. then deal with rejection.... dont go online for a while trust me it works.. im still doing it... He called me the other day. HE CALLED. Ever since this whole thing happened we have for the most part, only talked on AIM. He called several times that day, actually... what did he say?? what did you guys talk about?? And then last night on aim he asked me if I would like to join him on his b-day (in two weeks.) join him.. hes asking you to be with him on that special day hes asking YOU so take that and go have fun..
wakamiya Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 All I have to say is WOW. I can relate to you on so many levels, Donburi. I have been going through an aching fight like this for the past 5 months. My ex bf is a hardcore gamer as well....I've learned it really sucks being neglected. Mine was an Everquest addict, to be exact. I think you're very strong to be able to go through this much time with NC...I too, am trying this NC thing, but the idea of it makes me sad. I want to ask someone on here, "does it really work?" "What if he forgets me" But anyway, let me quote you on something "if you can't look at me the same way, and you don't feel the same way, then...I just don't understand how there is still a chance for us..." In the second post, I read this, and it started bringing back vivid thoughts...try not to think this way. I've been told recently showing your that insecure will sometimes make a guy that much less interested in you. (But what do I know? I've only had one real relationship) I think the only thing that is going to help this, is no contact...for at least a month, or two. (That's what I'm going for) and what Romeo said, even if you were dating, that's way too much pressure...backing off is the only way things may ever get fixed. I wish the best of luck to you, and know that there are people here for ya.
Author Donburi Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by Da_1_n_OnlyN3na i was reading it and i got very interested in it.... umm it was like you were choking him with all those questions lol.. but if thats the way you can get things out of him...but umm i think you stop going online to avoid him trying to talk to you and you begging for a second chance...trust me i did that and now that i think about it its low.. you have to have self respect.. dont put yourself in that position you hurt yourself while you beg and beg.. then deal with rejection.... dont go online for a while trust me it works.. im still doing it... what did he say?? what did you guys talk about?? join him.. hes asking you to be with him on that special day hes asking YOU so take that and go have fun.. lol yeah, I can get pretty intense sometimes. Sometimes I don't even realize what I'm doing til I see all the question marks and I think "holy crap, what am I doing???" Ever since I can remember I did things that my heart told me to do. Ever since this whole thing happened my "heart" kept telling me talk to him, reassure him that you love him, apologize to him, etc... But, with more time passed, I realized that my heart, no matter how strongly it feels about something, isn't always right. Thats why we have our buddy up there, the brain. The brain isn't blinded by emotions and can see what the sensible and right thing to do is. My brain is telling me to do NC, leave him be, and let him come to me. My heart says otherwise. I am constantly in the middle of a battle between my heart and brain, and as most of you can see, my heart wins most of the time. I'm working on that. What did we talk about when he called? Nothing in particular. We chit chatted, but we were talking like we did when we were together, minus the "love you" and pet names. I'm pretty sure I will go and celebrate his b-day with him...I guess we'll see how it goes. Thank you so much for commenting, I really do appreciate it! This crazy bitch needs all the help she can get. lol.
Author Donburi Posted August 1, 2005 Author Posted August 1, 2005 Originally posted by wakamiya All I have to say is WOW. I can relate to you on so many levels, Donburi. I have been going through an aching fight like this for the past 5 months. My ex bf is a hardcore gamer as well....I've learned it really sucks being neglected. Mine was an Everquest addict, to be exact. I think you're very strong to be able to go through this much time with NC...I too, am trying this NC thing, but the idea of it makes me sad. I want to ask someone on here, "does it really work?" "What if he forgets me" But anyway, let me quote you on something "if you can't look at me the same way, and you don't feel the same way, then...I just don't understand how there is still a chance for us..." In the second post, I read this, and it started bringing back vivid thoughts...try not to think this way. I've been told recently showing your that insecure will sometimes make a guy that much less interested in you. (But what do I know? I've only had one real relationship) I think the only thing that is going to help this, is no contact...for at least a month, or two. (That's what I'm going for) and what Romeo said, even if you were dating, that's way too much pressure...backing off is the only way things may ever get fixed. I wish the best of luck to you, and know that there are people here for ya. Yeah, if you have No interest in games what so ever, you're screwed. lol. Luckily I can find pleasure in games and watching them (mind you, to an extent!) otherwise I don't think I would have survived as long as I did.lol. My insecurity definitely bugs my ex, but not as much as it would most guys, so whoo, I found a lucky one. He is very patient and understanding, thank god! I don't know how he put up with me. NC might be our best bet. Thanks a bunch for the comment, it really means alot. hope things work out well for you. Good luck to the both of us, hm?
At Peace Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Donburi, Please think twice before going out with him for his birthday. I sense you will make it out to be a chance to start again and then God forbid he crushes your hope. It's too soon and you are vulnerable. Tell him thanks but no thanks. It may be perfectly fine, but it may be a bigger disappointment too...why do this to yourself. You know what he's like. You don't need his offer to spend his birthday with him. It makes you out to be too available to him. He's hurt you once before and he'll hurt you again. And then you'll beat yourself up over it and will be crushed. Caht all night on line. Go to a movie with a friend other than him and I would not say he is your friend right now.
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 yea it will be hurtfull if u go and be with him for his birthday and you know what you will get yourself in if do that.. the thing is..hmm ok lemme put it this way.. my ex's birthday is tomorrow(august 2) lets say he asked me to be with him on that day.. i wouldnt let that go.. even if it hurt me i would love to be with him that day... which he could spend that day with someone else more important than me like his gf.. but if he has a gf why would he ask me right??.. well my point is he asked you to be with him that day its because he wants to share that day with YOU.. act like normal dont talk about the future because that would be like choking him over and over .. just act normal talk about normal stuff like you guys were just friends and never had anything between you guys.. that way it wont ruin the moment...good luck
At Peace Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 I say to those who have these ex's who suddenly need you to be with them on their birthday. CROCK! It's like putting sour milk in the refrigerator and taking it out again thinking, hmm, maybe it won't be sour tomorrow. If they loved you, and they are not dumb, did they say before the invitation...I'm sorry I hurt you. I want to change, let's talk about working on our relationship. Why go and share that day, their egos are boosted up because it's their birthday so naturally you MUST remember and care about them. EXCUSE ME, care about you first. There are people out there and I'm finally coming away from that fog on delusion and beginning to realize this, who I can share loving days with. Not manipulitive ex's who when they decided to dump, were not so kind. Go and seek out the posts of No Foolin' on this wensite, he's a genius. Trust me, let's say you go out and the ex start taliking about who they started seeing or dropping hints they have been with someone, HOW WILL YOU feel about yourself then?
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 originally posted by At Peace I say to those who have these ex's who suddenly need you to be with them on their birthday. CROCK! It's like putting sour milk in the refrigerator and taking it out again thinking, hmm, maybe it won't be sour tomorrow. If they loved you, and they are not dumb, did they say before the invitation...I'm sorry I hurt you. I want to change, let's talk about working on our relationship. Why go and share that day, their egos are boosted up because it's their birthday so naturally you MUST remember and care about them. EXCUSE ME, care about you first. There are people out there and I'm finally coming away from that fog on delusion and beginning to realize this, who I can share loving days with. Not manipulitive ex's who when they decided to dump, were not so kind. Go and seek out the posts of No Foolin' on this wensite, he's a genius. Trust me, let's say you go out and the ex start taliking about who they started seeing or dropping hints they have been with someone, HOW WILL YOU feel about yourself then? so you think we shouldnt even call and say happy birthday to them even if you still love him????.... just asking for my own personal thing...but i was planning on trying to act like i dont remember when it is and like i dont care sp i am not planning to call him at all tomorrow...
At Peace Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Absolutely don't call the ex who dumped you. As I said before have they acknowledge their causing heartbreak to you? Then and when they do, that's a step in your direction. By saying Happy Birthday, trust me, in their minds, they have you wrapped around their finger. They don't see your act of thoughfulness as anything other than a boost to their egos. You are validating their behavior towards you. I just dumped her but if I say hey lets go out for MY Birthday they don't care what pain I have caused them. Yes. It is hard to ignore them, and I don't pretend otherwise. But have you gotten this much feedback from the ex as much as the people on the website. If complete strangers care more about you than your ex...think about it. Again, imagine the hurt you'll feel if the night doesn't go the way you imagined or the phone call, or they don't even say thank you. In the throes of a breakup we are grasping for straws and the ex is only thinking about having you there to celebrate his birthday. How selfish. He's thinking about himself. Don't waste your kindness on those who don't appreciate it. You will only be heartbroken again. Celebrate Your own birthday even if it's five months from now. By your own cake! and champagne! and doll yourself up...a new rebirth of YOU!
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 originally posted by At Peace Absolutely don't call the ex who dumped you. As I said before have they acknowledge their causing heartbreak to you? Then and when they do, that's a step in your direction. By saying Happy Birthday, trust me, in their minds, they have you wrapped around their finger. They don't see your act of thoughfulness as anything other than a boost to their egos. You are validating their behavior towards you. I just dumped her but if I say hey lets go out for MY Birthday they don't care what pain I have caused them. Yes. It is hard to ignore them, and I don't pretend otherwise. But have you gotten this much feedback from the ex as much as the people on the website. If complete strangers care more about you than your ex...think about it. Again, imagine the hurt you'll feel if the night doesn't go the way you imagined or the phone call, or they don't even say thank you. In the throes of a breakup we are grasping for straws and the ex is only thinking about having you there to celebrate his birthday. How selfish. He's thinking about himself. Don't waste your kindness on those who don't appreciate it. You will only be heartbroken again. Celebrate Your own birthday even if it's five months from now. By your own cake! and champagne! and doll yourself up...a new rebirth of YOU! WELL SAID....!!
Sal Paradise Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Until you do no contact and actually stick with it, nothing will change. You also need to stop reading his online journal, and his friends journals (if you're still reading them). Sticking to no contact will have one of two results.... 1) You will eventually get over him. This is the most likely. 2) He will decide to committ to a relationship with you. This is the least likely. You will never get over him if you stay in this limbo. You will only get more and more hurt. Reading his diary is a form of contact. You shouldn't of been reading it while you were doing NC. You need some will power. He will never committ to you (if he is ever going to at all) if he doesn't have to. Right now he has the best of both worlds. He has you sitting in limbo waiting for bread crumbs, and he is free to see other people if he chooses to. This will continue as long as you allow it. Every time you attempt to pull away he throws you a bone and brings you back. Thats why he IM'd you during NC, called you, and invited you to his birthday. You need to take control of your life and stop allowing him to dictate your life. In many ways I think the best thing that could happen to you is for him to let you go. You need to become more independent. You need your own life outside his, your own friends that have nothing to do with him. This may never happen if you go back to him. You're 21, you need to establish yourself. You don't need someone else to be happy.
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