DogBrain Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 It's been almost 8 months. We split after an incredibly intense two-month affair because she is a newly-single Mom building a new life - with a host of issues - freshly-estranged husband, teen-aged kids, demands of her chosen career..... and it hurt so badly because we both knew the instant we met that each other was the person we have been looking for for a long, long time. No contact for almost 8 months. And while it's true that I haven't been able to brush her out of my mind, I can accept that what we did was sacrifice an incredible relationship for something better for her somewhere down the line. I can actually (at times) feel good about what happened, about having the strength to accept what we decided. This morning I went to my closet and pulled out a pair of trousers - and time stopped - cripes, the last time I wore them was the night we met and I can still remember with excruciating clarity that first evening - an evening which we both regard as being the most awesome evening of our lives. Worse, the pants no longer fit. It looks like I've dropped a few inches in the waist. I am careful that the person I present to the world shows no signs of being "blown out on the trail", but these little reminders of where I've been, what has happened, what has irrevocably changed, and what I am left with keep insinuating themselves into every corner of my daily routines. I've been deluding myself, I think, and I am having an incredibly tough time today. The amazing memories of our time together keep intruding on my consciousness and I understand that I will come to appreciate their true value when I no longer love her. After the experience in front of my closet this morning, I am beginning to despair that I shall never reach that point. Sometimes I rage, wishing that she had cheated or lied or done something, ANYTHING, to give me the strength to strangle all of those memories or push them into the "Oh S**T" pile. Other times, I just sit quietly and let the next wave of recollection, despair, frustration, and disappointment flow over me. Learn, learn, learn I tell myself, but there is nothing here to learn from. Nobody but the two of us truly understand what happened and why it happened. But it still hurts. The rats continue to gnaw at my liver at every provocation. Thanks for listening. I have nobody anywhere that I can talk to about this. DogBrain
EC Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 How exactly did it end? Did you end it somewhat like " Maybe in the future sometime?"
millefiori Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by DogBrain Thanks for listening. I have nobody anywhere that I can talk to about this. Sorry to hear about your breakup. Come here anytime, someone will listen.
Author DogBrain Posted July 14, 2005 Author Posted July 14, 2005 I'm afraid I have to be rather evasive with details; she is a public figure. Basically, we arrived at the same conclusion seperately - within 48 hours. Wringing time for our relationship to work the way we wanted it to would mean that she had to push something else out of her life - a true damned-if-we-do, damned-if-we-don't situation. There was no "maybe someday." There was the usual "can we still talk" (her question) and "let's meet in 6 months and see how things are" - but, 5 days after it happened there was an anonymous, threatening phone call warning me in very clear terms to stay away - forever. That infuriated me, but it didn't take more than a few hours to realize that guilt and pain drove her decision to do that . db
EC Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 Oh. Im so sorry. I was hoping she left it open to reunite again in a couple months and see how things would work out. But dogbrain just because things are the way they are now does not mean they will be this way forever. Her situation might not be that way forever. You just never know what will happen. Now Im not trying to give you false hope by any means but you really never know what can happen in one second. As for now well there's really nothing you can do. I wish you could give more details but I understand. When you feel those waves of emotion come over you just let them and cry it out and move on. Eventually those waves will become shorter and shorter. And whenever you do need to vent come on LS. PS. Throw the trousers out or hide them in a box. They don't fit anymore so your not going to be wearing them anyways. Do not purposely drive yourself crazy.
Author DogBrain Posted July 15, 2005 Author Posted July 15, 2005 EC sagely offered... >When you feel those waves of emotion come >over you just let them and cry it out and move >on. Eventually those waves will become shorter >and shorter. Today I realized that "waves" isn't right - it's more like the tide <grin> and then she said..... >PS. Throw the trousers out or hide them in a box. >They don't fit anymore so your not going to be >wearing them anyways. Do not purposely drive >yourself crazy. 11pm. patio by the pool. glass of single-malt scorch. a butcher knife. a can of lighter fluid. I shredded and torched those puppies. Good thing there are no neighbors close by!! Then I toasted the ex for inadvertently helping me toss that last 20 pounds - which have over time probably hurt me far more than our splitting ever did. No matter how low these spells may drag me temporarily, I am stronger, I am regaining my power, and every hurt carries with it a promise of something better. ARF! db
EC Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 No matter how low these spells may drag me temporarily, I am stronger, I am regaining my power, and every hurt carries with it a promise of something better. Amen! Like they say.. "The sweet is not as sweet without the sour." Im so happy to hear you understand that its only temporary and life goes on and you WILL be alright!
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