mujeep Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Here's the scoop... My ex and I dated for a total of 4 years, all through college. She was 19 and I was 21. I was her first in everything (love, sex, dating). About half way through college, she decided she didn't "feel" for me anymore and broke it off. Three weeks later she started dating one of my close friends that is a single parent (ex friend now). I went crazy. Deep depression, throwing up, lost 17 lbs in a month, cried all day everyday and almost dropped out of school. I tried to contact her everyday, calling, email, even driving to her house....almost stalking, trying to tell her what a mistake she was making. This really pissed her parents to the point of hating me and they still do. Five months go by and by then I had a new girl. This really pissed her off. By this point my ex-friend wasn't getting any from her and pretty much ignored her, making her wish she was back with me, especially when she saw me with a new, beautiful girl. She finally realized her mistake. I still loved her and longed to be with her, even though I was with this new girl. I get the call from her a few weeks later after last July 4th after she watched the movie "The Note Book" (I still haven't seen it) and she said that she wanted me back b/c this movie made her realize she misses me. I say OK and get back with her. I had one rule that she not speak or see my ex-friend again, but I came to find out on many occasions she was in social setting where he was there and she lied about it. I knew nothing was going on b/t the two, but I don't think I was asking too much for her not to be around him no matter what the circumstances. She said I was possesive..what do you think? Now from July till last March we did things together that most married couples do in a life time. We went on a ton of trips together. Chicago, Florida, Arches National Park in Utah, Lake Erie, and tons more places around here in Ohio, Kentucky, and Indiana. I was so happy to have her back I wanted to be the best boyfriend possible. I treated her like gold. I never wanted to let her go again. During this whole time back together I was not allowed to come into her house when her dad was around or go to ANY of her family functions during the holidays. This really upset me and I told her that if she really loved me she would sit down and tell her father how she felt about me. She never did. I didn't want to end things, so I let it pass. I told her I wanted to get engaged to her this Fall after I graduated in May 2005, the semester after she graduated. The Utah trip was one of the best times I've ever had. Simply amazing. Her and I didn't argue one bit and she said it was one of her best times in her life too. We get back from the trip feeling great, but less than two weeks later, she broke up with me again. I come to find out that her friends had been trying to get her to break up with me for many months and had been trying to hook her up with some guy that was 8 years older than her. She fell for it and is now dating this man who is 30 and basically said thanks for the goods times and we are not getting back together. It has now been about 3 months and I feel worse than ever and I starting to slip back into depression and I'm still wanting to talk to her everyday. I've been trying to talk her into coming back to me almost everyday rather than trying to get my life together after college. She tells me how happy she is with this guy and how they never argue. I told her thats b/c its the beginning and everything is new, but she doesn't believe me. This whole situation is made worse by the fact that she still calls me and asks how my dating life is going. She called me the other day 5 times b/c I didn't answer b/c I was on a date. Do you think this is the classic "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you"? I've sought rather expensive professional help, but I've just started and I've only been to one session so far. I will admit that nothing would make me more happy than to get her back, even though my friends/family say I shouldn't. She says its not going to happen b/c of her parents, friends (this guy is friends with her friends from way back, but I've never met him), and the fact that she is happy with the guy. Is there chance I could get back with her a 2nd time? My mind is saying if it happened once, it can happen again. I'm 25 and she is 23 and I feel that my time is wasting away to find "the one". I don't want to live my life alone. I fear that I will not be able to love another girl again, like it was a one shot deal. My health is deteriorating more and more each day and I'm not bouncing back like I did before. I feel like I'm losing my mind and my life. What should be my next course of action? I feel like she came back to me the first time b/c she didn't want to be alone and got with this new guy so fast that she feared being alone again. Is it too early for me to date? I'm very lonely, something I've never felt and its killing me inside. I was so used to our routines together and now that its all gone, I feel very lost. For her its almost like she started with this new guy right where she left off with me...a smooth transition.
Becki Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 ok, firstly, i feel for you, i know how hard things can be like that, but dont ever get back with her. Harsh reality i know but do you get on well with your friends and family? cause if so you know they are right. You are only 25. You don't have to be lonely for the rest of your life. When she calls you, dont answer the phone. I think she probably doesn't want you but doesn't like the idea of you being with anyone else. Its ok for her to move on but i think it makes her feel better knowing that shes in a relationship, and other people want her. And you're giving her that power. To be honest, i think maybe shes scared of being alone too, like you say she finsihed with you and got back with you cause she missed you, and then split up with you again and got with this 30 year old straight away. I know its hard now, but try to go out with friends. Its not too early for going back out and dating, as long as you think you're ready for it. When you go on a date girls dont want to hear all about your ex and how she screwed you over. So make sure you know that youre ready. Like i say, When she rings you or whatever, its like she rubbing salt into the wound. Just dont answer the phone, dont reply to her, and just start doing things for yourself. Try to get out and have fun, go places new and generally try to do things to take your mind off the situation. It sounds crazy but I do think it will help. And let people cheer you up, dont sit there feeling sorry for yourself.
greenhorn Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Mujeep I think you should let her go, there is no point pleading to someone to get back with you when the other person does not want to. It will make you look you pathetic and loser, I know it is very hard to cope with a loss like this but it happens to everyone of us and everyone goes through it and emerges stronger. you cut off all sorts of contact with her, try not to be at the same place/function with her, just live with your dignity. Slowly slowly you will feel better and then when you start dating, find someone nice this time, who cares equally, loves equally and above all gives you respect and emotion. Lot of people in this world are so selfish but there isn't much we can do for it Good luck
Author mujeep Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 It's unbelievably difficult not to pick up that phone and make a call to her. Right now I'm struggling with crazy thoughts of them two together and its kinda taking over my life. There is like no place I can go around here that I haven't been with my ex. There are a lot of reminders. As crazy as it may sound, I feel that if i do meet a new girl, she won't be as pretty, smart, etc. as my ex and I will only be settling. I'm also worried that I will be making constant comparisons with the old and the new, which I know is not fare. Before I met her I didn't even care about meeting a girl, it just happened. I didn't need her or any other girl to be happy. Now, it seems like I put all my happiness into her and she took it with her. I really feel like she has made me a weaker person and dependent on her, whereas I was very independent prior to meeting her.
Treasa Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Ok, I'm going to say this bluntly. If I offend, well, you're going to have to get over it. You're coming across as clingy and controlling as hell. You yourself said you got to the point where you were borderline stalking. No matter how much you think you love this girl, I can almost GUARANTEE her parents love her more, and you bet they're going to look out for her. You don't have a right to be upset over what her father wants. It's his house, and you're putting her in a very uncomfortable position. If it were my daughter, I don't think I'd want you in the house, either. You sound as if your whole life revolves around this girl, and frankly, that's sort of creepy and scares most girls away. I think you overreacted when you told her she couldn't ever be around this other guy anymore. I can understand not being ALONE, but what is she supposed to do if they're at the grocery store together? Leave? That's controlling on your part. Do this girl and yourself a favor and leave her alone. If she wants to come back, it should be her choice and not because you're trying to make her come back everyday. Focus on yourself and your own life. And please, don't date anyone else if you're so hung up on her. I sort of feel bad for that girl who was there in between the two times.
greenhorn Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Well Mujeep, everyone feels that hard in the intial days of breakup. It is difficult to live at those times but not impossible, realise that love can't be demanded. If someone has chosen not to love you but be with someone else sadly there isn't anything you can do. It would hurt to think of them being together so don't think of that. Shrug off those thoughts and keep yourself busy with something else, talk to your friends or famiy members and don't harbour any false hopes of getting her back. Just think that you are not alone in this, everyone has to face this, you are atleast stronger than me that you didn;t go mad like I went mad. So believe in yourself that this will pass , there will be better days in life and you will get your true soulmate. Turn this painful experience into learning and get wiser from this. Emerge our stronger for the days to come. Good Luck dude, I am with you in your painful time. keep us updated.
Author mujeep Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 Treasa, Her father is a much different story. This man hardly ever talks to her, everyone in the family hates him, and he even went ten years without talking to his own parents. My ex had told me how she was afraid of him and afraid to talk to him. She told me thats why she didn't talk to him about me, who knows. However, you are prolly correct when you say he loves his own daughter, I just haven't ever seen it. He never took her or her mother out of town anywhere on vacation, etc, maybe partially b/c he didn't care and they are poor. I came into the picture and showed her there was a whole new world out there to experience other than the little town she lives in and she loved it. I guess you could say I made up for what she was lacking growing up as a kid. Her mother even told her not to live the life she did with her father. I told her the best thing to do was to get out of that house and she agreed. She still lives there. As far as the other guy is concerned, it not so much the fact that she was around him as much as it was about her lying about it, knowing I would eventually find out. She wasn't a very good liar. I lost trust in her each time she did that. Also, it was never like an accidental running into each other, she knew he was going to be there ahead of time and did it anyway. I know she would have never wanted me to hang around with any of my ex's no matter what. As a matter of fact, one of my ex's walked past me in a parking lot while I was going in a store and she was coming out. This all happened in front of my Jeep while my current ex was waiting inside my Jeep. I came out of the store and she had pretty much destroyed the inside of my Jeep. All b/c an ex had walked past me. She was VERY physical when she got upset. Who's the scary one? I hope the new guy is prepared. Someday she is going to do that again and the next guy won't be as understanding as me and will end up hurting her rather than talking. I was prolly too understanding. Greenhorn: Thanks for the support, and you are right, no matter how hard you try, love can't be demanded. I guess I just expected it after all I put into her and I was very much let down. She tells me she doesn't want to leave a good thing with this guy, but I'm sad that she took the very first thing that came along. Not that I'm expecting it or anything, but can people fall back into love? How in the world does that happen?
Treasa Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 So if your ex is so scary, why are you so hung up on her? She's moved on. You should, too. Don't act like she's so great in one post and then go on the defensive and say how horrible she is, how horrible her father is, etc. We aren't talking about her father's faults here. We're talking about why she left, why you shouldn't pursue her, and how it comes across to someone who isn't you. Defensiveness is an ugly trait. I totally understand that people get defensive, and I get defensive too, but it really inhibits learning and growing, because you aren't receptive to other people's advice.
Author mujeep Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 My close friends and family would ask me all the time why I was so hung up on her if she did the stuff she did, and honestly I'm not sure why. People tell me it was b/c I was so used to her and it was a relationship of convenience. I'm not really sure. In the end I was able to look past her faults and her family's faults b/c I had such a deep love. I guess you could kinda say I was "blind" to the bad stuff that occurred and hoped it would all get better. Probably a big mistake on my part.
chris1063 Posted June 30, 2005 Posted June 30, 2005 "I'm very lonely, something I've never felt and its killing me inside. I was so used to our routines together and now that its all gone, I feel very lost. For her its almost like she started with this new guy right where she left off with me...a smooth transition." This is something that I too am feeling at the moment. We broke up about 5 months ago after 6 years together and i've had some contact because of the selling of the house we shared together but I have kept strict NC on my part and have let her contact me when she needed to tell me something about the sale. It's going through at the moment so in about 5 weeks no more contact ever and I can move on properly finally. The no contact does work to heal you over time. I still think of her with her new guy sometimes and it hurts like hell but I'm finding that those times are becoming less and less. You just need to focus on yourself and keep busy. If it's meant to be she'll come back but don't wait around. Moving on is what you need to do, although it's hard as hell. You'll get through this over time but you won't move on with her in your mind. Keep busy, keep going. Good Luck Chris
blue16 Posted July 2, 2005 Posted July 2, 2005 You mentioned that before you met this girl, your life was doin great you didn't need a girl at all...then you met her. That's probably why you met her in the first place, because you were secure with your life and there wasn't a hint of desperation. Now after a few years, you even said yourself your life revolves around her. Reverse roles for a second here. Let's say there was this girl that you liked, she was cool and everything...and she mentions how "her life revolves around you, you mean everything to her, she can't live without you etc." wouldn't that creep you out? It would creep me out that's for sure, and that's the kinda vibe I'm getting in your posts when you talk about her. Don't answer her phone calls anymore. She's not trying to get back with you, she just doesn't want you to be with anyone else...she wants you to sit there and pine over her so she gets a nice ego boost. Seriously please don't contact her anymore you're too caught up and it's affecting your life in a negative way. It's understandable that you look past her faults. I never liked it when people say "why do you like her when she does this!?!" "why are u still with her when she does that?!" theres more to people than that. You love her enough to look past her faults, which is totally cool and everything...but you have to realize there ARE other girls out there who you will develop feelings for. You're talking about this girl as if she is some fantasy, when in fact you could find someone much better than her. Good luck.
Delicaterose00 Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Me too dude!!!!!!!! I was throwing up too, adn I lost 22 pounds in 2 months adn still losing...I understand what your going through.... please post me anytime!!! Hang in there!!!!!! What i WANT to know is how did you get over the jelousey??
Author mujeep Posted July 20, 2005 Author Posted July 20, 2005 I never quite got over the jealousy. After she came back to me I was always wondering if she was still in contact with my ex-friend. I came to find out that she was here and there and that made me extremely angry. Nothing was happening b/t the two, but it was still the whole idea of it. We would fight over this and this lead to the destruction of our relationship. In my opinion I think I was in the right to be angry. Who would want their girlfriend to be hanging out with a guy she used to date that happened to be my ex-friend? I think she wanted the best of both worlds and wanted to lead a double life, but I wasn't going to stand for it and put my foot down.
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