This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Ok...I'll start this assuming you know my story.. It's been 5 weeks since he's spoken to me, and 4 weeks since we last had contact. It has been really difficult for me, but now I am at the stage where I know I'm not going to contact him first. I've just lost the motivation - because I know he will never answer my call, nor will he reply to any emails - even if he does, they will basically be implying "don't bother me". I don't know if he will ever contact me. I thought he felt a very strong connection with me too. A very exceptional connection. But he was too self-centred, and it outdid his need for having me in his life. I don't understand how it has been possible for him to just erase me from his mind. And now, I just feel this "emptiness". And that's the problem. I know I'm used to "feeling good" by being in contact with him. The strange thing was that a lot of times he just managed to make me upset, but I'm missing the times that I did feel good just talking to him. I'm missing that feeling, and that's what's making me sad. I'm missing feeling "liked" or "wanted"...and it's not the same when you get love from family or friends. It's something totally different. It's not sexual either. I miss being "something" for someone, being a part of their life, being in their thoughts. And even though I try to get over this feeling, I'm restless.... I know I have to be "content" and "happy" with myself, which I am, to an extent. But we're all social beings and we do need affection and the feeling of "belonging", the feeling of "you are with me". I don't know...it makes me feel so low and disheartened. The eternal problem I guess...the need to be loved, the need for companionship. And it's hard to adjust once you've had a companion. Sorry if I appear kinda dense here. But it's what I am feeling, and I'm sure a lot of people would be trying to deal with this issue at some level. Any suggestions?
XNemesisX Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 What you have described describes how I have felt for some time now. Only recently have I started to regain a bit of happiness. My break up was 7 months ago though, and yours is a lot fresher. I don't think the scars are ever completely gone once this has happened to a person. My ex did the same things to me that yours did to you. He didn't respond to my calls or my emails or if he did it was basically just to keep telling me to leave him alone. It hurts really bad....especially when you were with someone for so long and KNOW you meant so much to them at one time. What worked for me was meeting someone else. I'm not with the person yet but I have feelings for him. I didn't think this would be possible during the first 6 months of my break up. I truly believe that we all ARE social beings and we crave and NEED companionship and love (and not in the family/friend kind of way like you noted). Until you meet someone else, you will still feel something for your ex. But trust me....if I can get over this HELL then you can too. It will take time but eventually you will find yourself feeling something for another person. Once you realize what an ass your ex is and how terribly he treated you by ignoring you then you will allow yourself to like/love another person. When this happens, you won't feel so empty inside. And it WILL happen.
Author This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 21, 2005 Author Posted June 21, 2005 Thanks....that helps. I've read a lot of your posts too and I do think you've been through what I have, in a lot of ways. You know why this "need to be somebody's companion" realization surfaced? Because I did happen to meet someone. Now, first of all let me clarify - I know it's been just a month since I have spoken to the ex (actually I don't like using the word "ex", it makes the falling in love and breaking up seem so casual!) So I'll call him "M". Yeah, so I know it's been just over a month that M and I have not been in contact. And I'm going through the strong withdrawal phase. But, I've known that he wasn't ready to commit since a year....so the pain is not all that recent. With this new guy - it's not a romantic setup - I am just a new friend. And I have and will always try to keep it that way. I'm just not into having a relationship yet - I feel like my core has been burned out and I need time to gain some "substance" back in me again. But I can see that he already has begun to develop some feelings for me - which I think is mostly attraction and some attachment - but I can see that he's been thinking about me most of the time! Now, how's that for an ego boost.... But now, I don't feel that way at all. I just feel worried - because although I do try my best to keep it at friendship, I just don't want him to end up hurt because of false hopes, because I know how painful it is. Anyway, the thing is - I don't know whether I will continue to be in touch with this guy or not - right now, I'm just looking for some peace of mind for myself. But it just made me realize what a difference it makes to have someone really "think" of you, really want to talk to you - and I miss that so much. I miss the attention and affection that you get from a significant other. I feel really sad that M didn't really do any of this for me. But it hurts even more to think that it didn't take a week for him to erase me from his mind, apparently! Right now, I just have this empty feeling within me - I feel alone and I don't have a place to anchor my feelings. I am a person who loves and likes to be loved, with completeness - in any relationship that I have. I wonder how can someone just throw it all away! I'm feeling really disillusioned about relationships, I've somehow realized that nothing will really last, no matter how strong a connection you have with someone or how good a fit you thought you were for each other
AndrewJ Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Having a good soul to talk with is the ****e, I hope he comes around.
outdated Posted June 21, 2005 Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by This_Too_Shall_Pass With this new guy - it's not a romantic setup - I am just a new friend. And I have and will always try to keep it that way. I'm just not into having a relationship yet - I feel like my core has been burned out and I need time to gain some "substance" back in me again. But now, I don't feel that way at all. I just feel worried - because although I do try my best to keep it at friendship, I just don't want him to end up hurt because of false hopes, because I know how painful it is. Anyway, the thing is - I don't know whether I will continue to be in touch with this guy or not - right now, I'm just looking for some peace of mind for myself. But it just made me realize what a difference it makes to have someone really "think" of you, really want to talk to you - and I miss that so much. I miss the attention and affection that you get from a significant other. I feel really sad that M didn't really do any of this for me. But it hurts even more to think that it didn't take a week for him to erase me from his mind, apparently! Right now, I just have this empty feeling within me - I feel alone and I don't have a place to anchor my feelings. I am a person who loves and likes to be loved, with completeness - in any relationship that I have. I wonder how can someone just throw it all away! I'm feeling really disillusioned about relationships, I've somehow realized that nothing will really last, no matter how strong a connection you have with someone or how good a fit you thought you were for each other Meeting someone is the best way to move on. I think you're doing the right thing by putting yourself out there, and there's nothing wrong with hanging out with this new guy as long as you are completely honest with him. If he withdraws when you tell him that you're not ready for a relationship, then it's his loss and you've done nothing wrong. Most people will not choose to be honest, and that is what would be truly hurtful and hateful to him. M has not erased you from his mind. Trust me, he still thinks about you but he is not willing to give you what you want and need, so there is nothing he can do. Contacting you would be the wrong thing for him as he cannot give you what you want. Three months ago I was feeling the same way you do now, and I'm proud to say I've come out on the other side. The main reason is I found someone else, someone that wants to spend time with me and thinks about me, and someone that I think about too. The only time I really think of my ex now is when I realize how long it's been since I thought of her last. Please don't get yourself down on relationships- they're the best things that happen to people. And you're right- most do end, but there's one that won't, but both of the people in it have to have the will to sustain and feed it. All relationships seem like they're "the one" at the beginning- this is a normal honeymoon phase, but when it wears off, that's when the real decisions are made, and unfortunately when most fail. Find the one you want to work with and go for it. The future is uncertain- that's what makes it scary, but that's also what makes it so much fun. The past is just that, and will always be just that. Keep moving forward and keep making yourself a better person and you'll be amazed what kind of ass you attract.
Author This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 22, 2005 Author Posted June 22, 2005 That was a really good post. It helps to have things defined with clarity when your own mind is in a muddle! Really good ideas there... I guess it will take some time for me to actually want to be in a relationship. And yes...one relationship is the one that works out...I just wish I knew which one!! I will probably think less and less of him when I do find the right person. So, on the same token...is it an accurate assumption on my part to think that M will forget me in another couple of months?! That the only time he will think of me is when he thinks, "Oh, it's been a long time since I thought of her".. Yeah, I know what I'm trying to do here....trying to convince myself that he will think of me and one day contact me We are such masters at self delusion!! But yes, I do wonder if he realizes what he has let go of. Aren't I worth anything at all to him?!! From what I understand, if two people really feel a connection that deep, then they would never voluntarily let the other go. And yet, in our case, I know that connection was there, it was unmistakable. He's in his early 30s now, so it wasn't a juvenile thing at all. How can a person decide not to do something about a relationship that they know could have been the best? Really, it's so hard for me to understand why someone who thought I was the one, would choose to throw it all away! Was it all a misunderstanding on my part?!
too_risky Posted June 22, 2005 Posted June 22, 2005 this too shall pass, you mourn the loss of what you had not necessarily who you had it with. That is natural. You grieve over losing that attention, affection, love and stability. I know, mine is very recent too. It's been only 3 weeks for me. I also know the rejection you feel when you call or text or email and they hurt you. It's like a drug at the time. It gives you that high of talking to them in some form. It makes you feel so good at that moment but then you hate yourself for it after that moment passes. You hate that you gave into that drug and allowed them to hurt and reject you again. Each time you do it, you will let them tear a piece of your soul away from you. Stop. I made the ultimate mistake (I was long distance from my ex) and I flew down there. Long story short, he rejected me. Spent 3 hours with me in an airport parking garage telling me how he still loved me but not like he used to and yadda yadda yadda. Then, he simply pulled up to the doors in the pouring rain and left me sitting there all night. If I remember correctly, you and I have had this conversation. I think we have similar stories. My point is this, dont contact in any way. Don't give him the power to reject or demean you anymore. Give yourself time to heal and think with a clear head. Grieve that loss as if it were a death because in a way it was. But don't give in to the drug of it. The temporary "high" you get costs you your soul in the end.
darhma Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 "Grieve that loss as if it were a death because in a way it was. But don't give in to the drug of it. The temporary "high" you get costs you your soul in the end." That is an incredible post. They are not the solution to the problem they are the cause. Let it go. Thank u for coming up with such an eloquent way of putting it all together.
bewilderedandhurt Posted June 23, 2005 Posted June 23, 2005 i know we have different stories too_risky..but there are some things in your story i can semi relate to at least. being sick for 1. i dont have a life threatening illness but had one where the quality of life is compromised. and he dumped me in a cold way...and promised me the world and i was and still am in deep shock. and we too were long distance. so much in the mix of my story...i was older than he was ..anyway..my post is long and tedious and sometimes i havegreat difficulty with concentration. but if you read my post (one i am not proud of and if you want to talk) let me know here and i will send you a way to contact me ). sorry for all the pain you suffered physcially , enotionally and mentally. but thank God not all together spiritually and that you are holding on to that internal strength. i still feel like a mess. heres my other 2 posts....sorry its way long. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t64976/ and..... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t65172/
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