WHY doesn't he contact me!!!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I am just so hurt and so FRUSTRATED!!! WHY THE F^CK doesn't he contact me???

 

I've been here for a year and half and the relationship has been on for 3.5 years. Doing NC for a month and it seems he is taking it so coolly!!

 

WTF??!!! WTF!! I am really in a bad mood today - that manipulative cowardly jerk - I just want to be able to tell him what I think of him. Not to make him change or anything, just to be able to get to say what I think he is!

It seems like after all that I did and all that he didn't do, it was my fault that the relationship ended - like it was me who was causing him "mental agony". WTF.

 

At least to give myself some credibility I would like to have a say in this!! The freakin' jerk had the last word in this - he's probably smug like hell.

 

How is it possible for him to remain so cool and so unattached to me? I really don't know how he can even not wonder how I'm doing. Does he think about me AT ALL???

 

I know I should be "preserving my dignity" etc. and moving on....I know all that...but I just cannot let him be smug with the knowledge that it was he who broke it off, he who managed to stay completely out of touch - WTF do I mean NOTHING to him?!! How coolly he can say "Honestly, I think it's not a good idea for us to be in touch anymore. I neither want to meet nor talk anymore, I'm done with everything".

 

I'm really not a "revenge" kind of person, but honestly, right now I want to be able to sock it to him - this is unfair. I want to see justice to be done. I really do.

[lindya]

[i I am really in a bad mood today - that manipulative cowardly jerk - I just want to be able to tell him what I think of him. Not to make him change or anything, just to be able to get to say what I think he is!

It seems like after all that I did and all that he didn't do, it was my fault that the relationship ended - like it was me who was causing him "mental agony". WTF.

 

If he has at least half a brain he'll know that you'd really like to tell him what you think of him right now...so he won't be giving you the opportunity to do so.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

He would be thinking that if he'd be feeling guilty somewhere....but he doesn't!!!

 

He actually thinks he's done such a wonderful thing for himself, and been so "mature" about the whole issue...and he's actually deluding himself into thinking that what he's done is right. So any contact on my part would be construed as unnecessary and a bother.

I remember he once replied to my (pleading) email, "Obviously you don't seem to understand that I neither with to meet nor talk anymore". WTF!

 

I can't believe it - he has had the immense self-satisfaction of controlling the whole thing, right upto when to stop having contact with me. It's like he managed to preserve his dignity, and will always have that statisfaction. He actually does believe that it's him who needs a "stress-free" life!! This HURTS SO MUCH.

I jus don't want him to have that kind of satisfaction, hell I was the best he could've ever dreamed of getting, the selfish jerk doesn't deserve ANY girl.

 

Does he think about me at all?! Doesn't he feel like contacting me?!

[not_myself]

I have felt just like you before - take a deep breath.

 

I also dated a dellusional man - who would always 'imagine' himself to be right in almost every situation - why? because he, like many men, cannot deal with guilt or self criticism. This is HIS weakness and problem. As long as he lives in this one man world - he will f*ck up all his relationships...so you should feel sorry for him.

 

He is not contacting you b/c it gives him power. Shutting himself off and being callous towards you allows him not to deal with any emotions of guilt or compassion...b/c he is incapable - HE has the problem - just remind yourself of that.

 

And, as hard as it is - the only way you can stop the helpless, out-of control feeling is to focus on NOT caring what he thinks about the whole thing. You know the score, so concentrate on that. What he thinks is just one dellusional man's opinion - you know reality and can deal with it -

 

He is staying in his dellusion b/c he is pathetic - and it is the only scenario he can deal with and feel good.

 

this is about your pride - the only way to boost it again is to not give a flying flip what that ex is doing/thinking.

 

but it does suck until you get there, so hang in there.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Thanks....that does help. Right now I'm just feeling so wronged!!

 

Gosh I wish there was a way to make him realize that he's delusional, self-obsessed, cowardly and undeserving - I just want him to know.

 

He really doesn't think about me? I'm sure he does, but I can't believe he does it without a twinge of guilt or sadness - well at least he thinks about me in the context of "It was the best thing to do....we weren't going anywhere...all this stress was too much for me to take.." etc etc.

HOW THE HELL can he be so blind to his lack of conscience?

 

I wonder how he can manage to stay "happy" and "satisfied" every day - doesn't he think he's lost something valuable?!

[not_myself]

if he doesn't know he's lost something valuable now - he will know eventually.

so sad for him, by then it will be too late.

 

he is probably feeling confident about his decision now - but doubt will creep in.

[smile95]

hey---I feel bad today too. Been 2.5 wks I have done NC and over a month since we have talked. I feel sick today. I am so frustrated. I hate him and love him at the same freaking time! how? I think that the best thing we can do is not contact them. It says more. If I were to contact him, it is because I want him back. I should not! But I feel sometimes I do. If you truly hate him and do not want him, then you would not care about what he thought of you or getting the last word. I had such a bad day. I am crying as I type. It sux. I am not sure how I am ever going to feel better.

[smile95]

thistooshallpass-can you enable your PM capability?

 

Another thing Isaw on your post......he looks at this like he has control over you. If you call, he says"Yep she is still there" If you do not, after a while he will wonder what happened to you". usually. My thing is now. If I love him, why am I not telling him. I am doing NC to get away from an unhealthy relatinship, but would it hurt to tell him how I feel in an email? or a card?

[whichwayisup]

He probably does feel it...How could anybody not after 3 1/2 years?? He just isn't going to tell you.

 

You have to make your own closure somehow and really retrain your brain to turn him off completely. Takes time but the less you think of him, the less you will care about him and what he thinks.

 

YOU have to feel, "His loss, not mine" and let go. It isn't easy but keep posting and read some threads in the coping section...no foolin's thread is excellent, the guided walk to No Contact. Read ConfusedinOC's threads, they should help you too.

 

Hang in there.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Thank you so much everyone - I need the support! I'm having an unhappy day today - just this feeling of sadness and despair deep within.

 

Will I ever hear from him? How can he actually decide on something so..."final"...never ever seeing or talking to me in his life! And that too so easily. And it's actually admirable the way he has managed to keep NC intact from his side. How in heaven's name does he manage?

Doesn't he miss me at all?!!!

 

Beth - don't cry dear!! I know it's just so tough - I haven't felt as sad in my life as I have for the past year. I used to cry so much I could barely open my eyes the bext morning. Although since the 1 month of NC, I've been feeling more of despair...

But don't cry - it will exhaust you. You mentioned you were sick - I do hope you're feeling better now.

 

Do something like calling a friend - just general chitchat. Actually in one of my postings, I'd suggested a list of possibly helpful activities - get a good book of jokes if nothing else.

 

You know what - we're feeling sad because we're missing the way we felt when we heard from him - that feeling of elation, thrill, satisfaction. That was the time we actually felt "at peace" with ourselves. And now we don't miss the person, we miss that feeling.

We could go have a series of flings to get a bit of that feeling again - but we know it's so shallow it's not for us. We need time to reach a certain level of involvement with a person.

 

And yet we're so helpless. Aren't we happy with ourselves? Well I know I'm not too happy with myself today. Maybe I expect people to be a certain way and when they don't, I feel even more lonely and discouraged.

 

I wonder how long it will be until I find that "peace of mind" from within...I feel so unloved. Sure I have my family and friends etc...but it's not the same.

 

I can't PM yet because the forum administrator says I'm a new member, and I need to be relatively long-term to be able to PM. I hope that happens soon enough!

[Fallen_Angel]

Originally posted by not_myself

this is about your pride - the only way to boost it again is to not give a flying flip what that ex is doing/thinking.

but it does suck until you get there, so hang in there.

 

I agree 110% (that is, if it were possible to agree over 100%)...

 

I too am dealing with the end of a three and a half year relationship, and I haven't heard from my ex in a month. He's trying to be "stoic" and not show any emotion. F that, I say.

 

There is no need for mind games. I say let your emotions out there, because it does you NO GOOD to bottle them up (just think how miserable your ex will be once he DOES start to feel again - have a good laugh about it!), and simply let it go. I often visualize letting go of a balloon on a clear, sunny day. When I was little I used to cry when I'd see a balloon floating into the sky. I was such a silly kid. Anyhow, you don't need his bs. Show your strength and rise above it.

 

Tell yourself you deserve better than this, because YOU DO. And please, please don't forget your dignity. If you ignore him, he will no longer have the satisfaction of knowing you're thinking about him. That's a major victory.

 

Oh and don't forget...living well is the best revenge.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Well, the email or card won't hurt him, but it will hurt you. As usual, when he doesn't respond, you'll get back to the stage of waiting each minute for his reply - and go back to that stage of desperateness.

 

What do you plan to write in the email / card? That you love him? It really doesn't work - at least in my case it didn't. After he stopped contacting me, I wrote him a few emails telling him how much he meant to me and how much I loved him, that I wished the best for him always.

No prizes for guessing what happened next - NO REPLY.

 

And then I started getting frantic, calling him several times - only to get insulted, he said "Please don't call and leave all those voicemails and make me change my phone number too". Imagine how much that hurt.

I told him it was extremely insulting, and he said "I dind't mean to insult you, but you just wouldn't take no for a answer".

 

I also think of writing him an email to ask him to return my photographs that he has. But I know I'll do it only as a means to contact him somehow. And this time I won't contact him first - at least I've held up my resolve till now.

 

So, try and stay on track...we don't have much of an option, really.

[Marshbear]

It's hard, I know, and I am a guy. My ex g/f did the same thing to me and it hurt like hell. She just stopped all communication with me and acted like I dropped off the face of the earth. I wondered how someone could just forget you like that without even a goodby. I finally realized that she was hurting like me but she didn't want me to think that she missed me at all. I asked friends if she ever spoke of me and they said she never even mentioned my name. The only resolve I had was that if we did run into each other she would either ignore me or turn around and walk the other direction. She would even leave a room if I happened to come into where she was. I realized she really missed me very much but by then I didn't care. I saw her in a whole new light and, after a lot of soul searching, decided that I was so much better off without her.

 

I know it hurts now but he hasn't forgot you. He just doesn't want any contact with you because it does hurt him. After the anger passes you will realize that he really isn't worth thinking about him and that you are soooo thankful that you are not together. HE did you a favor. Just keep that in mind. You are so much better than that and you can show him by getting on with your life and taking back the power he has taken from you.

 

 

Peace...

[suegail]

It seems to me that what he's done is in some ways good, because he has apparently been as bluntly honest with you as he could possibly be. He feels the relationship is over and wants no part of revisiting the past. I myself am that way. Once I decide it's over, that's it. I'm done and I never have the desire to go back to an ex relationship, never.

 

I know you're very hurt and going through a hard time and it's good that you can get it out of your system, but I do hope that at some point you'll find a way to wish him the best because it's not a healthy thing to allow the anger to tear you up forever.

 

Once any one of us decides we want out of a relationship what we owe the other person involved is honesty. It should be no other way because though it's hard to tell someone the truth and see them emotionally come apart, you really have no choice and if you try to avoid the truth people often wind up much more damaged by the apparent lie.

 

I really hope you'll feel better about this soon. God Bless...

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Although I find it difficult to agree with you on all the points, thank you for sharing your perspective with me.

 

I agree that honesty is the best part in a relationship - when it's there and when it's not. But the person who ends the relationship should have a reason to end it. If they don't, they should have the courage and the humility to admit that it's THEM and not us.

 

I don't know if you've read the background of my case, if you do you'll see that some people just do not have a good excuse to behave the way they did.

[moon]

If he has at least half a brain he'll know that you'd really like to tell him what you think of him right now...so he won't be giving you the opportunity to do so.

 

That's a very good point!!

[Sal Paradise]

I don't see what he did wrong. You two are broken up. The best thing for both of you is NC. You're just upset because you want contact and he doesn't. He's nolonger your bf he doesn't owe you anything. You're not over him and he probably isn'y completely over you, thats why the NC is important. He's doing the right thing for him. Thats not being selfish. You're just hurt because of your perception that he is handling the break up better than you and isn't as upset. If he is upset what does that change? He doesn't want to be with you. If he isn't upset what does that change? He still doesn't want to be with you.

 

All that matters for you is for you to deal with your own pain and put him out of your mind. It doesn't matter who broke up with whom or who is in control. The relationship is over there is nothing to be in control of.

 

People on here complain when their ex breaks NC and some complain when their Ex doesn't break NC.

[miss-gonewest]

Originally posted by This_Too_Shall_Pass

I am just so hurt and so FRUSTRATED!!! WHY THE F^CK doesn't he contact me???

 

WTF??!!! WTF!! I am really in a bad mood today - that manipulative cowardly jerk - I just want to be able to tell him what I think of him.

 

I just cannot let him be smug with the knowledge that it was he who broke it off, he who managed to stay completely out of touch - WTF do I mean NOTHING to him?!! How coolly he can say "Honestly, I think it's not a good idea for us to be in touch anymore. I neither want to meet nor talk anymore, I'm done with everything".

 

I'm really not a "revenge" kind of person, but honestly, right now I want to be able to sock it to him - this is unfair. I want to see justice to be done. I really do.

 

Welcome to the ANGRY stage of the grieving process.... Its great to have you on board! Hopefully this will signal the end of the denial stage, and allow you to move to the next level!

 

I've been on the angry team for a few days now, and let me tell you that its nice to be here! I am starting to get my apetite back, I don't feel like crying at the drop of a hat and I can now listen to the radio without the pathological fear of hearing a sad song.

 

But the best part is that I can tell myself, in all honesty - that he doesn't deserve me! That it really is his loss and that I don't want him or need him in my life. He dumped me & told me to get out of his house and NEVER contact him again.... yeah, it really f%$#ing hurt.

 

Then a few days ago I got angry instead, and let me tell you - I like being on this team much better. I hope you do too...

 

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Hey dude (I assume you are!) I see where you're coming from, but I really wish people who reply on this board would actually read a person's background before passing a judgement on whether what the ex has done is right or wrong. Honestly, it behooves you to understand 2 things - 1) Everyone's situation is different, and 2) You don't know a person until you walk two moons in his/her shoes.

 

That said, let me tell you this - I ain't disagreeing with you because what you're saying isn't "soothing" - it's because I think it's impossible to know how exactly I feel because each situation is so unique.

 

As for me, I would hardly classify my relationship as a "boyfriend/girlfriend" one, it wasn't that superficial and nor was it just a "romance" - I wouldn't touch that kind of stuff with a ten-foot barge pole. I would certainly not have a "boyfriend" for the sake of having one, besides, we thought we had a real, real connection. It was much deeper, you only understand when you've actually felt that kind of connection with someone.

 

I know it's over, and I give a crap whether he wants to be my "boyfriend" or not. I am simply stating that given the way everything was, if he doesn't think I'm worth something as simple as acknowledgement, he is seriously lacking in the conscience department (yeah ok I didn't think that way before).

 

That's all - I think I made myself clear there.

[smile95]

Howa re you feeling today? I noticed something......when I get home I come online and as much as I love everyone here and the advice, do you think that it can be harmful to be on LS sometimes? I mean most posts make me feel better, but sometimes I feel worse and then think all night. I know I am not supposed to wonder this, but I do wonder if we are really done this time? It breaks my heart to think he can just walk away with out even telling me anything after 3 yrs? He could be dead for all I know. I guess my goal is to move on, but that voice inside says he will call. We had a strong connection and I cannot imagine him never speaking to me when I did nothing wrong? I am so tired of thinking about all of this ! As my post said yest, I almost broke and emailed him. But I did not. I cannot. I'm trying to figure out if I miss him or being in love or the attention I gave and got. I guess if he were mature enough and not so selfish this could have ended nicely. Now he leaves me wondering every possiblity!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

AMEN to everything you said!! Believe me it's so good to have comrades!!

 

Yes, I'm in the anger mode right now - I just hope I don't regress to despair again. For me it has been a process of crests and troughs - I can be angry one hour and feeling blue the next. I guess that's how the process is.

 

I still continue to believe that he does owe me an explanation - even though he may say he can't explain. Actually, that's the reason I want to be able to tell him what is - since he seems so unable.

 

Yeah I'm so freakin' sure too that he really doesn't deserve me (I think he knows that too!) But I still feel very, very hurt - the hurt goes so deep that I know even if I manage to heal, it has taken away some part of me forever. It's like getting a part of you amputated - you continue to exist without it, you might even get a prosthetic to replace those functions, but that part of you is forever gone...

 

I just don't know how long till I accept that he won't give back what I've lost.

[smile95]

I wonder that too. I hit the anger stage and right after went to feeling bad and blaming myself. I skip all thru the stages. I went thru one the first time he did this that was awful. Lost 20 pounds. Took sleeping pills/pain killers just to not think and of course he called and I was fine. Then the 2nd,3rd,4th did not seem as bad. Either that or I was used to his crappy behavior.

 

I have learned that they will never treat anyone any better than they treated you. They will cotinue to act this way and be very selfish.

 

My situation has a lot of possibilities. He could be so busy with work. He could just be having a hard time with the div, he could need time as this is a hard timein life...point is.......as much as I have been here for him, heshould have explained so that I am not left wondering and making myself sick. One minute I am so sure that he will call like always, only to find the next minute I can hardly breathe wondering what I will do if I lose him in my life forever.

 

I know he will ignore me if I call. From expereince, he calls when he is ready and I back off. SO I am now figuring out what it is I miss. I never saw him often, he rarely called or did anything nice? I just loved to hear that he loved me. Only words I know, but it made my day. I guess maybe I could miss being in love. Feeling that feeling. The way we met was fate and I know we met for a reason. As someone told me earler, just because he calls does not mean our problems are gone. We would go right back top being miserable, so maybe this is best. You would think in 20 days of NC Iwould not think about him this much!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I'm still in an angry mood today....as you might've see from my previous reply!

 

But talking to you all helps. Hey you know what - I was thinking the same thing as you - about whether LS is always the best thing. I mean, it's the best place to share your feelings and get all the support and advice - the people over here are just so amazing! But does it make us regress to the same topic over and over?

 

I don't know...but I think for the time being, while we need to stick to NC, it's really helpful. Sure, it makes us think about that stuff again, but it's better than plotting in our minds how else to contact the ex!!

 

And I'm so glad you didn't give in and contact the ex yesterday - you know I'm SO PROUD of you!! I think it's these urges that are the worst, if we overcome them, we can break the cycle of taking one step forward and two steps backwards.

 

Will he ever call you? That's the same thing I'm asking myself! I know that deep within ourselves we do want them to call us, even if we are to reject them. And until then, it's only ourselves that we have got to fight.

Of course, I'd love to have a scenario when he calls me (even if it's for a final goodbye) and sees that I have really moved on.

 

But what if he doesn't call? I know I'll just have to go on. I'm waiting to reach a point where I don't really care, till I find my happiness in something else.

 

You know, I read that the one thing that keeps people "alive" is passion - I hope to one day feel a passion for something that will allow me to invest my emotion and energy in it, and also be a rewarding experience...

[smile95]

It sucks because I still look at my phone a lot to see if he called or text. I am getting better. My one friend said"I know you are getting over him, you forgot your phone today".

 

I feel I take steps backwards too. Up until I got home, I was very strong today. I think I am holding onto hope and that is not good. Usually he calls exactly a month later. That will be next Thurs and I know I will be very sad if he does not, but it may also help me see that this time is really it.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

You are absolutely okay thinking about him on day 20 of NC. Look at me - it's been a month and I still find myself getting into a knot. It was sheer fate the way we came into contact too.

 

And I know this won't go away that soon - it's going to be a few months - at least.

But then, I'm hoping that something would happen - something that is a major change event (good change of course) - that will turn away my attention sooner from this dead-horse relationship.

 

Honestly, how can people be so emotionless and so lacking in conscience?!! It's not fair, it's not right that they managed to "take" everything from the relationship and never had to be responsible for anything. And hey, there's no such thing as "natural justice" and "what goes around comes around" stuff that happens to them either!!

 

Oh well...I'm starting to get into a temper again..