She loves me but wants me as friend at moment!!! HELP!

[Jones19]

Firstly hi im new to the forum

 

I really don't know what to do anymore.

 

I'm 19 and my ex-girlfriend until yesterday is 20. We have known each other since we can remember and we have loved each other for years but things have got in the way and thats why we only got together about 4 months back. She is very depressed at the moment after her ex boy-Friend god bless him died of cancer just over 2 months ago. Since he died she gets upset regularly and is very depressed at the moment other stuff aswell what have happened keeps getting her down aswell. Has for our relationship things started to go down hill last weekend she was very quiet around me and was rather upset. On Thursday she phoned me up crying saying she wanted a break she said she loves me and will miss me but feels like its for the best. I understood but the next day we met up and talked and by the end of the night we was both in again and we made love and all that and she seemed herself again. But then the next day she was really quiet again and then yesterday she broke my heart again by saying can we just be Friends i need a break. But i understand her situation but i just want to support her as a boyfriend she said she feels i can't give you what you need. I'm totally gutted so i was wondering if anyone as got any advice on how to help her and do you think i have hope in getting back together with her its really getting me down and i feel lost in it all.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I have to say that it's 50/50.

 

Your best chance, in my opinion, is to pull back and let her come to you. Be available for her grief, but do not pursue her. And do not always be available when she calls. Your instinct will tell you to chase, but doing this will drive her away.

 

Do NOT make love to her until or unless she is willing to get back with you. Cut her off. She can't have the milk if she doesn't want the cow.

 

Go out, find other things to do, distract yourself.

[Jones19]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

I have to say that it's 50/50.

 

Your best chance, in my opinion, is to pull back and let her come to you. Be available for her grief, but do not pursue her. And do not always be available when she calls. Your instinct will tell you to chase, but doing this will drive her away.

 

Do NOT make love to her until or unless she is willing to get back with you. Cut her off. She can't have the milk if she doesn't want the cow.

 

Go out, find other things to do, distract yourself.

 

Thanks for your reply...

 

We are always txting each other and she phoned me this morning.....

 

Should i hang around with her and stuff because she wants to meet on Wednesday and go see her sister (i know her family quite well)

 

I know she likes me and loves me but im worried she might find someone else.

 

Have you got any idea in ways to cheer her up?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Jones19

Thanks for your reply...

 

My pleasure

 

 

We are always txting each other and she phoned me this morning.....

 

Stop texting, unless it's an emergency.

 

 

Should i hang around with her and stuff because she wants to meet on Wednesday and go see her sister (i know her family quite well)

 

Don't be available to hang around with her. Say no, say you are respecting her need for a break and it would feel awkward and uncomfortable for you to be with her family when you're not sure where you stand.

 

 

I know she likes me and loves me but im worried she might find someone else.

 

Unlikely right now. You're worrying about the wrong thing. The real danger and what you should be worried about is that she will overdose on you. Make yourself scarce.

 

 

Have you got any idea in ways to cheer her up?

 

You're still thinking the wrong way - do this if you want to be her friend and want to help her move on from you.

 

Otherwise, make yourself scarce. Let family and friends cheer her up. Let her miss you a little.

[Jones19]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

My pleasure

 

 

 

 

Stop texting, unless it's an emergency.

 

 

 

 

Don't be available to hang around with her. Say no, say you are respecting her need for a break and it would feel awkward and uncomfortable for you to be with her family when you're not sure where you stand.

 

 

 

 

Unlikely right now. You're worrying about the wrong thing. The real danger and what you should be worried about is that she will overdose on you. Make yourself scarce.

 

 

 

 

You're still thinking the wrong way - do this if you want to be her friend and want to help her move on from you.

 

Otherwise, make yourself scarce. Let family and friends cheer her up. Let her miss you a little.

 

Stop texting, unless it's an emergency.

 

If i stop txting her won't she wounder why i don't want to make her more unhappy?

 

Don't be available to hang around with her. Say no, say you are respecting her need for a break and it would feel awkward and uncomfortable for you to be with her family when you're not sure where you stand.

 

Your right about this i just feel like we was made for each other and don't want her to fall out of love with me.

 

 

Shall i talk to her on the net or avoid that aswell? plus i was going to send her some roses on friday saying i understand is this a good idea?

 

thanks for your help again im lost at the moment but you are helping.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Jones19

thanks for your help again im lost at the moment but you are helping.

 

No problem. These situations can be very confusing

 

Here's the story. She is at a crucial point in her thinking about the relationship. What you say and do right now will have repercussions for the future. But the effects of your actions will not necessarily be what you think.

 

For example, if you are always available, she will feel better about this break. Girls listen to their feelings way more than guys, so if the break feels good, she may well start to think it's a good thing. You don't want this. Now, I'm not saying go out of your way to make her feel bad, but right now you're making the huge mistake of going out of your way to make her feel good. This will confirm in her feelings that the break is a good decision.

 

In addition, girls love guys who are confident. By running after her and pandering to her agenda, you will lower yourself in her eyes. By pulling back, being independent and going off and doing your own thing, you will gain respect.

 

 

If i stop txting her won't she wounder why i don't want to make her more unhappy?

 

Yes. When she asks, say that you need time to think too. And "but I thought we were on a break" if you feel it's appropriate. Be a little tough with her. Just a little. Kind but firm. Don't necessarily say "Honey, make your mind up", but this should be your tone.

 

Your right about this i just feel like we was made for each other and don't want her to fall out of love with me.

 

Yeah, this sucks.

 

Shall i talk to her on the net or avoid that aswell? plus i was going to send her some roses on friday saying i understand is this a good idea?

 

No, no and no again. The roses are a particularly bad idea. Sends several bad messages at once: you're a wuss, you'll accept being her puppy dog and that the break is not so bad after all.

 

Get out. Do other stuff. Pull back.

[Sal Paradise]

I say abosulutely NC (nc = no contact) unless its a legit emergency (car accident or something) and not just her being depressed. Don't be mean about it. Just explain to her that you want more than she can give and you both need time a part. Also tell her you want to be there for her but its unfair to you to keep getting emotionally closer to someone who doesn't want you when you want them.

 

She is depressed and its understandable that she wants a friend and to reevaluate her life (people often do that when someone they know dies) but she is in many ways unintentionally using you for emotional support. She can't help the circumstances of what happened to her ex but she has to understand that asking you to be her emotional crutch for the death of a guy she used to date is unfair. It must kill you to see her upset like this but its even worse for it to be over another man. And on top of that she breaks up with you because of it. Yet she wants you to be her crutch while she gets over it. Thats completely unfair. She knows how you feel. So I guess she thinks you should be a friend for her now and help her get back on her feet, then once she is she'll find someone else while you've given her all of yourself while some other guy reaps the rewards. Screw that.

 

I don't believe she is in any state to see how unfair this is without it being explained to her. Nor do I think she wants to intentionally hurt you in any way. That however does not make it ok for her to do so. You're not being selfish by backing off from her and going with NC. In fact the best way to wake her up to what she is losing is to do just that, cut her off completely (no text messages, emails, phone calls, nothing). She told you that she can't give you what you need. You should tell her you can't give her what she needs because what she needs makes you ache for what you need. You can't give her what she needs unless she is willing and wants to give you what you need. They're both intertwined, one cannot exist without the other.

 

Let her know she needs to make a choice, either you as her boyfriend or nothing at all.

 

It will be hard for you and her but its really the only way.

[Jones19]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

No problem. These situations can be very confusing

 

Here's the story. She is at a crucial point in her thinking about the relationship. What you say and do right now will have repercussions for the future. But the effects of your actions will not necessarily be what you think.

 

For example, if you are always available, she will feel better about this break. Girls listen to their feelings way more than guys, so if the break feels good, she may well start to think it's a good thing. You don't want this. Now, I'm not saying go out of your way to make her feel bad, but right now you're making the huge mistake of going out of your way to make her feel good. This will confirm in her feelings that the break is a good decision.

 

In addition, girls love guys who are confident. By running after her and pandering to her agenda, you will lower yourself in her eyes. By pulling back, being independent and going off and doing your own thing, you will gain respect.

 

 

 

 

Yes. When she asks, say that you need time to think too. And "but I thought we were on a break" if you feel it's appropriate. Be a little tough with her. Just a little. Kind but firm. Don't necessarily say "Honey, make your mind up", but this should be your tone.

 

 

 

Yeah, this sucks.

 

 

 

No, no and no again. The roses are a particularly bad idea. Sends several bad messages at once: you're a wuss, you'll accept being her puppy dog and that the break is not so bad after all.

 

Get out. Do other stuff. Pull back.

 

 

Here's the story. She is at a crucial point in her thinking about the relationship. What you say and do right now will have repercussions for the future. But the effects of your actions will not necessarily be what you think.

 

For example, if you are always available, she will feel better about this break. Girls listen to their feelings way more than guys, so if the break feels good, she may well start to think it's a good thing. You don't want this. Now, I'm not saying go out of your way to make her feel bad, but right now you're making the huge mistake of going out of your way to make her feel good. This will confirm in her feelings that the break is a good decision.

 

In addition, girls love guys who are confident. By running after her and pandering to her agenda, you will lower yourself in her eyes. By pulling back, being independent and going off and doing your own thing, you will gain respect.

 

Well i did try today she txt me this morning and i didn't reply then all morning i got txts saying whats wrong i don't understand then at about dinner time i had about 15 missed calls so i sent a txt saying look i don't know what to say or do anymore around you maybe we should stop txting and stuff for a while...

 

Then she sent a message back saying i thought you was going to help me as a freind please don't ignore my txts it hurts my feelings please still be there as a freind i do love you then it said don't make me more upset...

 

So i felt guilty and txt back saying i want to support her and all that.

 

But after reading this post now and the post below i feel ive messed up again.

 

What should i do now? Should i just ignore her from now on and tell her i can't carry on like this boyfreind or nothing? i dunno anymore today as been worse

[Jones19]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

I say abosulutely NC (nc = no contact) unless its a legit emergency (car accident or something) and not just her being depressed. Don't be mean about it. Just explain to her that you want more than she can give and you both need time a part. Also tell her you want to be there for her but its unfair to you to keep getting emotionally closer to someone who doesn't want you when you want them.

 

She is depressed and its understandable that she wants a friend and to reevaluate her life (people often do that when someone they know dies) but she is in many ways unintentionally using you for emotional support. She can't help the circumstances of what happened to her ex but she has to understand that asking you to be her emotional crutch for the death of a guy she used to date is unfair. It must kill you to see her upset like this but its even worse for it to be over another man. And on top of that she breaks up with you because of it. Yet she wants you to be her crutch while she gets over it. Thats completely unfair. She knows how you feel. So I guess she thinks you should be a friend for her now and help her get back on her feet, then once she is she'll find someone else while you've given her all of yourself while some other guy reaps the rewards. Screw that.

 

I don't believe she is in any state to see how unfair this is without it being explained to her. Nor do I think she wants to intentionally hurt you in any way. That however does not make it ok for her to do so. You're not being selfish by backing off from her and going with NC. In fact the best way to wake her up to what she is losing is to do just that, cut her off completely (no text messages, emails, phone calls, nothing). She told you that she can't give you what you need. You should tell her you can't give her what she needs because what she needs makes you ache for what you need. You can't give her what she needs unless she is willing and wants to give you what you need. They're both intertwined, one cannot exist without the other.

 

Let her know she needs to make a choice, either you as her boyfriend or nothing at all.

 

It will be hard for you and her but its really the only way.

 

Your right and i was kinda thinking the same im just going to tell her its rather me as a boy freind or i just can't see you anymore... I don't want to hurt her anymore (then she is)) but like you say its the only way to make her think

[ReluctantRomeo]

Yeah, Sal's right. I think you need to back off for a bit.

 

You can tell her it won't be ever, but you need time and space for a bit now you're broken up. Remind her that this is not easy for you, either.

 

Don't tell her this, but I would schedule a calendar month, with the intention of renewing this at least once. And I wouldn't tell her how absolute you plan to make it - I wouldn't try to contact her at all in this month, but be vaguer to her, just saying space.

 

Personally, I would also tell her that you're still willing to respond in a genuine emergency. But this is optional. And may not even be a good idea.

 

Keep us updated on your progress - I'm curious to see how this works out for you!

[Sal Paradise]

I wouldn't tell her you'll respond to an emergency because she is really depressed and may fake a crisis to get your attention.

 

Stick to what I suggested. Its the best thing for you and actually for her as well, she is just too depressed to see it. Doing this is the right thing, it doesn't make you selfish.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

I wouldn't tell her you'll respond to an emergency because she is really depressed and may fake a crisis to get your attention.

 

Here's the other point of view, and it does have its merits.

 

 

Doing this is the right thing, it doesn't make you selfish.

 

Agreed. 100%. It just makes you sensible.

[Jones19]

Well here is my plan I'm going to meet her tonight just like i planned (i knopw i shouldn't be i have 2) come the end of the night I'm just going to tell her i can't carry on like this and that if you don't want me as a boy-Friend i cant offer you anymore I'm sorry but this is hard for me aswell you know how i feel but otherwise i need a break from ou...

 

I know i shouldn't be seeing her because you two said but i need to tell her face to face...

 

Its my plan so wish me luck...

 

Thanks for the help you two i appreciate it alot

 

will keep you updated

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by Jones19

Well here is my plan I'm going to meet her tonight just like i planned (i knopw i shouldn't be i have 2) come the end of the night I'm just going to tell her i can't carry on like this and that if you don't want me as a boy-Friend i cant offer you anymore I'm sorry but this is hard for me aswell you know how i feel but otherwise i need a break from ou...

 

I know i shouldn't be seeing her because you two said but i need to tell her face to face...

 

Its my plan so wish me luck...

 

Thanks for the help you two i appreciate it alot

 

will keep you updated

 

I wish you good luck with it.

 

Don't let her distract you with the the tears. Stay strong. She will cry and get upset you can't let that influence your decision. She may even try to reason with you by saying something like "just give me time and maybe we can be together." Don't accept that its just a ploy to keep you around during this. Accept nothing less than what you want.

[ReluctantRomeo]

So how did it go?

[Jones19]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

So how did it go?

 

You not going to like this but i went to meet her and said what i had to say but then things started to get complicated she got upset and said that i want to be with you but i can't i asked her why and that and she said i just need you as a freind but i want to be with you when i feel a bit better.. i asked her when this would be she said i don't know but i want you to help me through this i can't do it without you...

 

so me been me lol i said i would...

 

but today i feel even worse i want to be with her and i can't concentrate on anything it all keeps going round in my head as she got someone else you know the stuff.

 

What should i do now

[Jones19]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

I wish you good luck with it.

 

Don't let her distract you with the the tears. Stay strong. She will cry and get upset you can't let that influence your decision. She may even try to reason with you by saying something like "just give me time and maybe we can be together." Don't accept that its just a ploy to keep you around during this. Accept nothing less than what you want.

 

should have read this before

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Jones19

so me been me lol i said i would...

 

You're a banana, Jonesy

 

 

but today i feel even worse i want to be with her and i can't concentrate on anything it all keeps going round in my head as she got someone else you know the stuff.

 

And here is the consequence. She gets to have her cake and eat it, you get to suffer.

 

 

What should i do now

 

She cannot have you on her terms and on her timing. She is completely calling the shots, your heart is the doormat.

 

Since you cannot cope with her face to face, you're gonna have to phone her. Write down a little script. Say you're sorry, but today you have felt really hurt (she needs to be reminded that you have feelings too) and you have reconsidered things. You do not feel you can be there on whatever terms. You know she is down and this hurts you. But you cannot face her as a friend right now. You still want to be friends in the long term. She will be in your thoughts and prayers. But you're not gonna be phoning or seeing her for a bit.

 

If she asks how long, be vague, say you're too upset. But take your calendar and mark a date at least 1 month hence. But not exactly 1 month - girls are very clever with calendars. I'd say forever, but I know that 1 month is the most you're gonna manage to face up to right now;

 

If she asks why: you have feelings too. Moreover, you're a man and can't play second fiddle to a dead bf.

 

I am telling you now, growing a backbone is your best shot at retaining your sanity.

 

And ironically, your best shot at getting her back. If you can't see this for yourself, listen to my experience. Every day that you stick with this, you will lose a little dignity in her eyes. And if you can't grit your teeth and do this, frankly you deserve it.

 

I'm being harsh, but it's for your own good.

[Jones19]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

You're a banana, Jonesy

 

 

 

 

And here is the consequence. She gets to have her cake and eat it, you get to suffer.

 

 

 

 

She cannot have you on her terms and on her timing. She is completely calling the shots, your heart is the doormat.

 

Since you cannot cope with her face to face, you're gonna have to phone her. Write down a little script. Say you're sorry, but today you have felt really hurt (she needs to be reminded that you have feelings too) and you have reconsidered things. You do not feel you can be there on whatever terms. You know she is down and this hurts you. But you cannot face her as a friend right now. You still want to be friends in the long term. She will be in your thoughts and prayers. But you're not gonna be phoning or seeing her for a bit.

 

If she asks how long, be vague, say you're too upset. But take your calendar and mark a date at least 1 month hence. But not exactly 1 month - girls are very clever with calendars. I'd say forever, but I know that 1 month is the most you're gonna manage to face up to right now;

 

If she asks why: you have feelings too. Moreover, you're a man and can't play second fiddle to a dead bf.

 

I am telling you now, growing a backbone is your best shot at retaining your sanity.

 

And ironically, your best shot at getting her back. If you can't see this for yourself, listen to my experience. Every day that you stick with this, you will lose a little dignity in her eyes. And if you can't grit your teeth and do this, frankly you deserve it.

 

I'm being harsh, but it's for your own good.

 

cheers your totally right...

 

Ive got another plan and this time I'm going to stick with it

 

 

 

Ive sent her a txt saying.... if you love me more than a friend then you will meet me tomorrow at .... place but if you don't want me and see me as your boyfriend then i cant see you for a while i can't see us getting along. Its up 2 you but i will be waiting for a while if you don't want us to be together then you know what to do i will just have to deal with it.... I don't think you understand i have feelings aswell and at the moment you have broke me...

 

The choice is yours.....

 

 

And if we do meet im gonna say look I'm sorry but its me helping you as a boy friend (like i should) otherwise i won't be able to see you for a while...

 

does that sound ok the last bit?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Jones19

And if we do meet im gonna say look I'm sorry but its me helping you as a boy friend (like i should) otherwise i won't be able to see you for a while...

 

does that sound ok the last bit?

 

The last bit sounds great - clear, unambiguous etc. Definitely the line to take.

 

I love it that you laid it on the line for her in the text message. But I have to say that the "I will be waiting in this cafe for you" part sounds a bit weak and desperate IMO. But it's done now, so go with it.

 

When all this is over, go see a therapist/counsellor or whatever. Try to work out why you are always handing power to women. You are so doing this with the "I'll be waiting for you" thing. Women don't want a guy who hands them all the power. And those that do, won't treat you well.

 

You're a nice guy though, which is a great asset. And you're finally sending out the right message - take me back or stop using me. So I think it's gonna work out for you. Probably not with this girl, but I think it's gonna work out

[Jones19]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

The last bit sounds great - clear, unambiguous etc. Definitely the line to take.

 

I love it that you laid it on the line for her in the text message. But I have to say that the "I will be waiting in this cafe for you" part sounds a bit weak and desperate IMO. But it's done now, so go with it.

 

When all this is over, go see a therapist/counsellor or whatever. Try to work out why you are always handing power to women. You are so doing this with the "I'll be waiting for you" thing. Women don't want a guy who hands them all the power. And those that do, won't treat you well.

 

You're a nice guy though, which is a great asset. And you're finally sending out the right message - take me back or stop using me. So I think it's gonna work out for you. Probably not with this girl, but I think it's gonna work out

 

Well we never met but i sent her a txt saying the things i thought and i need a break with no contact at all i i told her straight...

 

I love her 2 bits so hopefully she may want me back when she feels the time is right...

 

She is going to see a counselloer in the next week so she is trying to get stuff sorted i suppose...

 

Hopefully things may work out ok between us...

 

but cheers for the help you 2

 

maybe in a while i may come back on and say we are back together who knows.

 

thanks

[Jones19]

I asked her earlier if she was seeing someone else

 

she sent me this txt...

 

........ if im not ready for you who i love. i aint ready for anyone else please stop panicin cause it aint helpin me us or u.

 

Does she want me or not i need to know i can't wait around

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Jones19

Does she want me or not i need to know i can't wait around

 

Don't wait. Get on with your life. Go 100% No Contact. I give you 50/50 of getting her back - when people are falling out of love, they can say things they won't mean later.

 

Getting on with your life with make you feel better fastest and gives you the best shot at making the rest of your life great.

 

Ironically, showing this kind of moral strength is also the most likely tactic for getting her back. But it's not a sure thing, so don't count on it.

[Jones19]

Not sure if you have read my threads over weekend but she at the weekend when i went out with my mates we met my ex-bird and her mate in a bar. I asked her why we couldn't be together and we fell out and i even asked if she fancied my best best. Anywaz we fell out and the next day i had a txt on my phone saying are you still going to be mates with him. So straight away i was on the phone to her and she said nothing happened between us i just said i liked him and he said it back. I was so gutted and upset i didn't know what to do i aint mates with my best mate anymore. But she said to me we ain't together and that i only said i liked him but my mate told me he caught them holding hands but she denies that. Anyways i met her last night and we spoke and she said that she still loves me but we cant be together because she is still getting over her dead boyfriend and she said that she still wants to be mates and that we should build are friendship up again and then it may go into more.

 

So i agreed but now i feel like she is seeing my mate still i dunno why but i think she is but then i think she wouldn't do that. She is coming up to my house tomorrow night so i was wondering i want her back what can i say do to get her back and make her see sense. She said last night that we where made for each other but she just needs time.

 

But its all doing me head

[Jones19]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Don't wait. Get on with your life. Go 100% No Contact. I give you 50/50 of getting her back - when people are falling out of love, they can say things they won't mean later.

 

Getting on with your life with make you feel better fastest and gives you the best shot at making the rest of your life great.

 

Ironically, showing this kind of moral strength is also the most likely tactic for getting her back. But it's not a sure thing, so don't count on it.

 

Not sure if you have read my threads over weekend but at the weekend when i went out with my mates we met my ex-bird and her mate in a bar. I asked her why we couldn't be together and we fell out and i even asked if she fancied my best best. Anywaz we fell out and the next day i had a txt on my phone saying are you still going to be mates with him. So straight away i was on the phone to her and she said nothing happened between us i just said i liked him and he said it back. I was so gutted and upset i didn't know what to do i aint mates with my best mate anymore. But she said to me we ain't together and that i only said i liked him but my mate told me he caught them holding hands but she denies that. Anyways i met her last night and we spoke and she said that she still loves me but we cant be together because she is still getting over her dead boyfriend and she said that she still wants to be mates and that we should build are friendship up again and then it may go into more.

 

So i agreed but now i feel like she is seeing my mate still i dunno why but i think she is but then i think she wouldn't do that. She is coming up to my house tomorrow night so i was wondering i want her back what can i say do to get her back and make her see sense. She said last night that we where made for each other but she just needs time.

 

But its all doing me head