shamen Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Hello all, So, I've got a new bf... and the sex is just not what I expected it to be. All of the fooling around that we did before we had sex led me to believe that the sex was going to be great. But it's not... Poop. I am so bummed. I'm really into this guy in terms of his personality and we have a ton in common. I'm just not sure how to get past this. He won't do certain things to me (oral sex) and I've never in my life dated a guy who wouldn't do this for me. I have not had an orgasm with him yet. I know that I can orgasm and I've had enough partners to know the difference between good and bad sex. Oh, and he's put limits on what I'm allowed to do to him... Ugh. He thinks that the sex is great, but it's not great for me. This has been a deal breaker for me in the past: I broke up with one of the guys who asked me to marry him over this same issue. I just don't know if I can be with someone (theoretically for the rest of my life) where the sex isn't really good. He's looking for a long term partner, which I'm not sure that I can do with him because of this. Needless to say, he's already asked me where this relationship is headed (yeah, it's a little early for the question, but what can you do?). He wants to know if I'm ready to seriously consider this as working towards long term. I, of course, am hedging. I'm happy (mostly) with the way things are now. I'm really anxious about this though and the constant little comments about the future because I don't know if I can get past this sex issue. Yeah, I'm old enough that I don't want to waste his time either. Any suggestions?
SoleMate Posted June 3, 2005 Posted June 3, 2005 Hmmmm. He won't do oral and he won't permit certain, unspecified acts either. To each his own, but let's just say, 98% of men appear to enjoy performing oral sex on a woman, and it is a rare man who will turn down ANY sex act. So you have yourself a one-of-a-kind! Sex is mediocre now. To me, the big questions would be: Does he see this as a problem? Would he like to put in some effort to make sex more enjoyable and fulfilling for you? Can he really hear you when you tell him that you are seeking (a lot) more enjoyment than you're currently getting? (Have you in fact told him?) If you two are truly committed and open to working on this issue, then, no problems. Put in some effort and you will get some results. That would be a good time to start thinking about a future - after he has shown some willingness to get out of his comfort zone to meet your needs.
Jennifer'sSecret Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 I think communication is key. Not only that, but if you find oral sex important, than he needs to either do it to you and do it enthusiastically, or you should find a better mate for you because sex is a critical part of any romantic relationship. If the sex isn't good now and he's not willing to budge, you're never going to be satisfied and you'll wind up resenting him big time. Just my 2 cents.
crazy_grl Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 Well, I really don't see it as that big of a deal. Then again, I don't see how sex with someone you care about could be 'bad sex'. I think you're putting too much emphasis on the sexual part of the relationship. That's just me though, and I'm not the one deciding whether to date the guy. If this is something important to you, talk to him and see if he's willing to compromise. You have to compromise too. If he's uncomfortable with those things, there's probably a reason he's uncomfortable with them. Think of a small step that you could take that would be something he could to do you or you do to him and ask him if you can try it. If he's unwilling to give it a chance, you're probably not going to be happy with the relationship. If he's willing to try, you should be willing to give him a chance too. Just don't expect him to change overnight. If you're unwilling to give him the time to adjust to these things, don't stick around and waste his time.
Mr Spock Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 It's not even about education at this point, he won't go down on you. How insulting. I had an ex who wouldn't perform that particular act either, although he loved to receive-past trauma-I didn't force him to, nor did I make an issue out of it at the time but it would be a deal breaker, eventually, for me. Sex IS extremely important, to me, anyways. If you're uncomfortable with it express that to him. Tell him it's not looking good. Don't give up fufillment in the sack for Mr Reliable. If he can't learn to enjoy oral I'd say it's pretty much doomed, not much fun to have someone down there that doesn't REALLY enjoy it.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 4, 2005 Posted June 4, 2005 are u dating the same guy as me? lol I foresaw a great thing, alot in common, fun to be with, nice looking, but once we got into bed...yeesh. I faked an orgasm. He went down on me but even after giving him a full description online one day, from start to finish of what works for me, he still just didn't get it! Now we are just friends, although he would still like the benefits.
Author shamen Posted June 5, 2005 Author Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by SoleMate Sex is mediocre now. To me, the big questions would be: Does he see this as a problem? Would he like to put in some effort to make sex more enjoyable and fulfilling for you? Can he really hear you when you tell him that you are seeking (a lot) more enjoyment than you're currently getting? (Have you in fact told him?) If you two are truly committed and open to working on this issue, then, no problems. Put in some effort and you will get some results. That would be a good time to start thinking about a future - after he has shown some willingness to get out of his comfort zone to meet your needs. That's interesting that you point out these questions. We have talked about some of these things a bit. I brought up a big conversation a couple of days ago about the fact that I feel that several things are off limits for me and for our sexual relationship. He's working on it in his head, I think. Getting past some of these things. There is some past trauma in his sexual past, so I realize that this is part of the problem. I've tried to talk him in to going to counseling for it, but right now he's not interested. He's never been to therapy. He did mention to me today that the relationship is still fairly new, and to give him some time to do things. To open up to me. I guess I'm just a dirty girl. Jennifer's Secret, I agree that communication is key. I'm working on it. This is new territory for me with discussing sex that is bad. Usually it's about discussing good sex or things that I want, or talking dirty for that matter. I'm hoping that he trys. We'll see. But it's not like I can say, "Hey baby, you know that I think the sex is bad." Crazy_grl, You're right, I just need to give him some time... Spock, Yeah, it is a little insulting that he doesn't want to go perform oral sex on me. I've never been with a guy like that! And of course he wants oral sex. Seems a little unfair to me. One bad experience with a girl should not reflect on me! MWC, It does indeed stink that my sex life is unfulfilling right now. He's a great guy and I like him a bunch. Hope that things improve as time goes on. Wait and see with the talking, eh?
moimeme Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 I've tried to talk him in to going to counseling for it, but right now he's not interested. He's never been to therapy. Really not a good sign. Nobody who's had trauma can just manage by themselves. Eventually, it affects them. We've got one poster who's been married 30 years to a woman who suffered trauma and has always refused to see a counsellor. Needless to say, it's been an awful 30 years for that guy. Right now, my red flag warning radar would be waving all its flags full force.
CurlyIam Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 It depends a lot on how he's coping with his trauma and the amount of time that passed since it happened. I've had a few issue as far as sex goes and well, one loving patient partenr just didn't do it. Like you say, I needed the spark. With my ex bf, we had the spark, but it took quite some time until I got used to his sexual behaviour. It takes adjustment. Time. PAtience. And of course, repetition. It was weird, because we had the chemistry and like you say, the foreplay was g-r-e-a-t!!! It takes time till he gets used to your body, till he learns your sensitive points, till you get used to him. Some men are more intuitive ... others aren't . Trust your instinct. I say "stick around some more, miracles can happen ;)".
RecordProducer Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 I think you answered your question yourself. You don't want to marry a guy with whom the sex sucks. You already turned down one guy because of the very same problem. You're old enough to think about marriage and don't want to waste your time with someone who is a bad lover. You're reluctant to move the relationship to they next level... So don't do it; move to the previous level. Look for better opportunities for marriage. I also could never end up with a guy with whom I don't feel completely great in bed. It's a deal breaker for a woman who is sexual and passionate. Sexual incompatibility is just as bad as intellectual incompatibility. Would you be with a guy who is stupid? Or not in love with you? Or evil? Well sex is one of the most important things. At least for some (many) people. There are so many anti-sexual women who would be happy with him and so many passionate men who you would be happy with. This is not about communication. You cannot force him to give you oral sex if he hates it. Plus he is selfish; he doesn't want to do it to you, but accepts it from you. What if he wants sex once a month in a few years? Do you want to cheat on him? Besides, you just met him. I am sure he has many more imperfections that you would discover later down the road. It'd be different if you were together for years, everything was perfect, and some day he discovered some medical problem that makes him impotent. In that case, it'd be unfair for you to leave him over the sex issue. But this is different. It ruins your complete desire for him at the very beginning of the relationship. Things most likely won't get better, but only worse. Communication in sex is acceptable if the partners are already compatible. But the two of you have basic disfunction of personalities. He wants it simple and boring; you want it intensive and exciting. What is there to talk about? Will you enjoy oral sex if you know he doesn't? Will you be able to tell him "lick me now, honey!" when you know that all he's thinking about at that moment is "she peed 3 times and didn't wash herself...yuck!"? And you're not a dirty girl. If sexual pleasure is dirty then yes, you and I are dirty girls. Be proud of it! I am. My fiance is great in bed and we're both hot for each other and sexual. Do you envy me? You don't have to! You can find a guy like that too. By the way, this is one of the reasons why guys claim they have bad luck in love cuz they are "nice" guys! It's so much easier to call yourself a nice guy than admit that your personality sucks. And if you suck in the sack then the girl must be dirty. How convenient...
Tysen Posted June 5, 2005 Posted June 5, 2005 Sex is important. Give him some pointers! If that doesn't help maybe you're just not into him that way and should be friends.
Author shamen Posted June 6, 2005 Author Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Really not a good sign. Nobody who's had trauma can just manage by themselves. Eventually, it affects them. We've got one poster who's been married 30 years to a woman who suffered trauma and has always refused to see a counsellor. Needless to say, it's been an awful 30 years for that guy. Right now, my red flag warning radar would be waving all its flags full force. I know, I know, Moi. I wish that he would go. He knows that I've finally started talking about my rape with my therapist this year. I've talked to him about how much I think that it's helped me. That I'm seeing patterns in my past, all kinds of things that I'm realizing. It's been a real eye opener. I guess that I can just keep suggesting and hope that he goes. He's an artist though and feels that if he goes to counseling that it might take away from his creative process. I think that that's a load of crap. Told him so too. We'll see, this definitely merits further discussion. Originally posted by CurlyIam It depends a lot on how he's coping with his trauma and the amount of time that passed since it happened. I've had a few issue as far as sex goes and well, one loving patient partenr just didn't do it. Like you say, I needed the spark. With my ex bf, we had the spark, but it took quite some time until I got used to his sexual behaviour. It takes adjustment. Time. PAtience. And of course, repetition. It was weird, because we had the chemistry and like you say, the foreplay was g-r-e-a-t!!! It takes time till he gets used to your body, till he learns your sensitive points, till you get used to him. Some men are more intuitive ... others aren't . Trust your instinct. I say "stick around some more, miracles can happen ;)". Hey Curly, It's been over 25 years since this stuff happened to him. I too have had some issues with sex, but I just slept with a lot of people when I was younger to deal with my rape (happened 20 years ago). That's tends to be one way that women who have been raped deal: super hot or super cold. I chose super hot. Not anymore, I prefer serial monogamy. Anyway, sorry, got off track. Time and patience, I'm going to try. Yeah, the foreplay has been great. I hope that I can teach him and that he keeps talking to me about this stuff... Originally posted by RecordProducer I also could never end up with a guy with whom I don't feel completely great in bed. It's a deal breaker for a woman who is sexual and passionate. Sexual incompatibility is just as bad as intellectual incompatibility. Would you be with a guy who is stupid? Or not in love with you? Or evil? Well sex is one of the most important things. At least for some (many) people. There are so many anti-sexual women who would be happy with him and so many passionate men who you would be happy with. This is not about communication. You cannot force him to give you oral sex if he hates it. Plus he is selfish; he doesn't want to do it to you, but accepts it from you. Communication in sex is acceptable if the partners are already compatible. But the two of you have basic disfunction of personalities. He wants it simple and boring; you want it intensive and exciting. What is there to talk about? Will you enjoy oral sex if you know he doesn't? Will you be able to tell him "lick me now, honey!" when you know that all he's thinking about at that moment is "she peed 3 times and didn't wash herself...yuck!"? And you're not a dirty girl. If sexual pleasure is dirty then yes, you and I are dirty girls. Be proud of it! I am. My fiance is great in bed and we're both hot for each other and sexual. Do you envy me? You don't have to! You can find a guy like that too. I agree to some level that sexual incompatability is a problem here, but I'm hoping that things will change. He is a sexual guy, he's just too white bread for me. Ugh, this is so frustrating. And it really sux that with my last bf who treated me like crap was an incredible lover. Why can't I get the two of them in one guy? Communication I do think has a possibility here because of what has happened to him. So, I'm going to try it out for a while. We'll see. I'm using the dirty girl comment for fun (Haven't you ever seen that soap?). I don't really think that about myself. It'd something that I'm a little proud of: I know that I'm a very sexual person and that's fine by me.
Author shamen Posted June 6, 2005 Author Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by Tysen Sex is important. Give him some pointers! If that doesn't help maybe you're just not into him that way and should be friends. Yes, absolutely, sex is important. I'm working on giving him pointers. Ugh, it makes me sad to think that I might have to break up with him over bad sex... I know that regardless of what happens between the two of us we will be friends. We have too much in common not to be.
Sal Paradise Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by shamen Yes, absolutely, sex is important. I'm working on giving him pointers. Ugh, it makes me sad to think that I might have to break up with him over bad sex... I know that regardless of what happens between the two of us we will be friends. We have too much in common not to be. Even with things in common its hard to maintain friendships with ex's. Also I could imagine him feeling a bit insecure being around a chick whom he couldn't satisfy. Most likely the friendship will disolve a few months after the breakup. Unless he thinks there is a chance of you two getting back together.
Cecelius Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 How long have the initmate relations been going on? But I agree with Sal -- if this guy gets dumped because he was lousy in bed, I wouldn't expect him to stick around as a pal. Too chumpy
Author shamen Posted June 6, 2005 Author Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by Sal Paradise Even with things in common its hard to maintain friendships with ex's. Also I could imagine him feeling a bit insecure being around a chick whom he couldn't satisfy. Most likely the friendship will disolve a few months after the breakup. Unless he thinks there is a chance of you two getting back together. I know that it is hard to maintain friendships with exes, but this guy I just know in my heart would be my friend regardless. Hate to say it, but if I do break up with him over this (I'm going to try to make it work though and give it some time, discussion and hopefully some very specific directions), I certainly will not tell him that that is the reason why we broke up. Originally posted by Cecelius How long have the initmate relations been going on? But I agree with Sal -- if this guy gets dumped because he was lousy in bed, I wouldn't expect him to stick around as a pal. Too chumpy See above, Cecelius. Oh, we've been intimate for 5 weeks.
CurlyIam Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 Don't answer if I'm being too nosy: what's wrong? I don't quite understand. Does he finish too quickly, is he too monotonous, is he all about penetration, what exactly don't you enjoy? Or is it something deeper?
Author shamen Posted June 6, 2005 Author Posted June 6, 2005 All right, Curly, I'm going to try to answer this without being too vulgar... He doesn't perform oral sex on me. He finishes too quickly. I like different positions and such and he wants it the same way all the time. He's all ready to go right away and I would like a couple of minutes to get in the mood. Foreplay! It's like, once we actually had sex, he wants to skip this part of it. I've been making him take his time recently because I'm just not there in a minute like he is with me.
CurlyIam Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 So it's not like you suddnly find him unattractive, of the smell of his body makes you yuk, right? I'm very very sensitive to smell, I can't even kiss a man if I don't like the way his skin feels and smells. Well, most men don't have abig thing for foreplay anyway, so he'd better learn. And it is a bit difficult to change his routine - what I did with my ex was have that tad of variety I enjoy and let him finish in his favourite position. Aarrggh, the art of compromise! Did you try and make a few subtile suggestion with regard to your boudoir activities? Nothing that boosts a man's ego than having his girl fantasise about him!! Can't make any suggestions with regard to lenght of time, though .
Author shamen Posted June 6, 2005 Author Posted June 6, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam So it's not like you suddnly find him unattractive, of the smell of his body makes you yuk, right? I'm very very sensitive to smell, I can't even kiss a man if I don't like the way his skin feels and smells. Well, most men don't have abig thing for foreplay anyway, so he'd better learn. And it is a bit difficult to change his routine - what I did with my ex was have that tad of variety I enjoy and let him finish in his favourite position. Aarrggh, the art of compromise! Did you try and make a few subtile suggestion with regard to your boudoir activities? Nothing that boosts a man's ego than having his girl fantasise about him!! Can't make any suggestions with regard to lenght of time, though . No, no, he smells great. I am attracted to him. The foreplay thing I think can definitely be learned. Good idea on the routine issue. I have been making suggestions. I guess that I'll just keep doing so. I really like this guy...
CurlyIam Posted June 6, 2005 Posted June 6, 2005 If you do like him and you have the right chemistry, you'll get there sexually too. I don't have too much of an experience, but I've lived just that with my ex bf and he ended up learning just what to do to make it perfect from this pov. That's just me saying I'm positive about your relationship .
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