danny17 Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 hi - i'm new to these forums, but they seem like a good idea - so here it goes i've been in a loving relationship for a little over four months now, and she is wonderful - we are both confidentally in love with each other. however, i suffer from the occasional depression, and unnecessary insecurity. i constantly worry about annoying her in some way - i know it's inevitable that partners are going to annoy each other occasionally, but the logic doesn't take effect on my emotions. i worry so much that I bother, and if she ever hints or says that I had annoyed her at some point in a given day, it seems that that will launch a huge depression for me - which lasts the entire night and usually most of the next day. in that state, whenever she smiles at me or squeezes my hand it is like heaven -- i feel like i always need reassurement that she still cares for me. now matter how openly we discuss this problem, it does not go away. it also doesn't help that she somewhat hardens up whenever I'm feeling vulnerable. she says that, possibly with the influence of her mother in childhood, she doesn't like seeing vulnerability, and instead of acting nurturing, she gets kinda annoyed. when I tried not talking to her about my random depressions and insecurity, she got frustrated that I was scared to talk to her about it. it is possible that i am still experiencing the shadow of a bad breakup that occured a month and a half before I started dating my girlfriend now. my ex before breaking up had lied to me and cheated on me with one of my friends. after that I am petrified of losing my girlfriend to one of her friends, or just losing her - which is probably why i'm so reactive to anything that might annoy her. i'm trying to hard to feel security in my relationship when it's obvious that it's secure. what can i do to help myself?
HokeyReligions Posted May 29, 2005 Posted May 29, 2005 Cocentrate on your own self-confidence and don't worry about how it effects your relationships. Every person is different therefore every relationship is different. You are only four months into this relationship--its still pretty new and there is a LOT to learn about each other and even more to learn about yourself. You could also be suffering from depression -- which can only be diagnosed by a doctor, you might want to get a check up and maybe even some short-term counseling to help learn some techniques to help you understand and cope with depression--whether it's a medical condition, or normal human depression which we all have from time to time. Relax and enjoy the relationship, have some fun, don't worry about long-term. You survived the last breakup, now its time to really deal with how it affected you so that you can grow as a person first and as part of a couple second.
danny17 Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 thanks so much - i was just prescribed paxil today. also tonight, my girlfriend and i had a big discussion - at the end of it we established that 1) the relationship hasn't been going smoothly 2) im horribly insecure, and she feels like a jerk (she said she has never felt so depressed and so much like a bad person) 3) we are still in love i suggested the possibility of taking a break to sort ourselves out and then reapproach the relationship - she said that either we stay together or break up completely. 'im really good at letting go' she said. whenever i said "well, why don't we stay together and sort things out?" she responded "i guess" and at one point, "i don't think we're meant for each other" i cried for a while in the car before getting myself to a state where i could drive. she said that she loves me, and i believe her, but we are both feeling too much relationship conflict. what do i do, what do we do -- i desperately do not want to lose her.
Jas Posted May 31, 2005 Posted May 31, 2005 Danny - I don't know how many girls I speak for, but whenever I've been with a guy who has been open in displaying excessive insecurities and emotional issues, I don't feel very secure. I'm pretty certain that it's a societal stereotypical role thing, but as a woman I guess I want to be with a man who I view as my rock. Now, don't get me wrong - I will support my guy through thick and thin, but if it seems like he's crying on my shoulder more than the other way around - I'm not capable of dealing with it. This may reveal heaps of my own issues here - but I'm saying this b/c maybe your gf is having similar reservations. She even told you she isn't comfortable and doesn't feel nuturing, and I can relate. So, I guess I don't know if you think this is how you've always conducted relationships - or if you're just feeling extra vulnerable with this girl - but I think you should take a break and spend time on yourself. Enjoy your own company, build up your confidence and self-esteem and eventually you will find a relationship where there is mutual respect, rather than a girl you depend on for your self-respect. Until then, keep your head up.
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