Illusion24 Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 I've been having problems within myself for the past month and half and I can't seem to get out of it. I feel I'm running away from my problems and I'm avoiding anything that will effect my life in the future. As you may or may not know, I recently broke up with a guy who completed me in every way, so I thought. He was young, 19 years old, but I still managed to fall for him and give it a try. I loved everything about him, his bad boy ways, his young ways of thinking made me feel young again, not that I'm that old but I am going to be 24 in June, the way he took care of me, and just the way he made me feel inside. Then, BOOM...I left him!! WHY?? WHY?? WHY?? I ask myself what the f*** happened. How can I be soooo in love, supposively, and POOF one day to the next feel that our age difference is an issue?? I felt as if he couldn't love me the way he said he did because he was so young. He just started college and needed to experience certain things that I already went through. But why now, why after falling for each other and taking it this far to I feel this way?? I'm so lost and don't know where I went but it's so frustrating. I spent this weekend trying to figure out where I went and why I went blank. He cries in front of me and I don't cry, he hugs me tight and I hug him but I feel empty, he kisses me and I enjoy it but I can't wait to stop. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY??? I said it's because I don't love him but I DO...That's the f***ed up part. I wish I can feel the way I felt before but I don't know how??? If I love him I should be their through whatever he experience and enjoy it with him. He even said his life would never be the same. He wrote me 2 five page letters, one right after we broke up and then he wrote one the way he's changed now. He says he now he knows what it was I was looking for and missing from our relationship. He's changed, I can tell by the way he kisses me, looks at me and the way he tells me things he never use to do. He even looks into my eyes, which he never did before. So, I spent time with him and enjoyed it this weekend to see if maybe being around him brought back some flames....It did, but not for long! I freaked out and told him I'm not ready. Once again, I hurt him. I want to stop doing this to him and I want to feel again. I want to remember what it feels like to love and feel passion. I'm so lost and numb inside and I can't help it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted May 17, 2005 Author Share Posted May 17, 2005 He just texted me with... "Happy 17th, atleast it use to be"....ouch just shoot me. Today we would have made 10 months together. He trying so hard to make me happy and snap out of whatever I'm in...but I just can't...somethings holding me back and I'm going nuts looking for answers.... Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 WOW NSN....This is a tough one. Maybe deep down inside, You know that it wasn't the right thing for you. Subconsciously, something is preventing you from feeling the same way again. It might not be revealed yet, but its something. I am a firm believer of the whole "Everything has happens for a reason" theory. Do you have anything coming up? A wedding where you might meet a potential soul mate? Ya never know. Time heals all and sooner or later you will find out whats doing this to you. Hang in there hunny, we're here for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted May 17, 2005 Author Share Posted May 17, 2005 Yeah... that's what I said "time heals all wounds" but he's not going to be around for long. He's a great guy and I dont' expect him to wait around for me to get my crazy head in place. I need to make a decision soon and to top it off...He's had a break down with all of this and his parents dont' want us together, they think I'll do this again... Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 If you take time off from the relationship (which I'm guessing your doing now) How do you know he would want to come back? If this isn't the right time for you to be in a committed relationship then thats that. There will be other great guys but unless your whole heartedly going into this with expectations of marriage or what not then this might not be for you. Like I said everything happens for a reason. You might bump into your future husband in the produce isle but you can't do anything b/c your in a dead end relationship. Maybe all you need is to get your head together and reassess your self and your feelings. Don't go back to the relationship just to make him happy or for you to say that your with a great guy. Sometimes things just don't work and and you have to grow up and deal with it like an adult. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted May 17, 2005 Author Share Posted May 17, 2005 Maybe all you need is to get your head together and reassess your self and your feelings. Don't go back to the relationship just to make him happy or for you to say that your with a great guy. Sometimes things just don't work and and you have to grow up and deal with it like an adult. You're so right, I don't want to be with him for pitty or because "he's a great guy". I did ask myself a question that a hundred times and only once did I say YES... Could I wait for him to finish 4 years of college and start our lives??? I said NO and freaked out, why can't I if I love him...you know what I mean. I have my own business, my own place, and I have a degree (not using it but I have it)...He just got his own place which is a big step, but mom and dad pay for it and he has no responsibilities but to go to school...How nice??? Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 Originally posted by NeverSayNever He just got his own place which is a big step, but mom and dad pay for it and he has no responsibilities but to go to school...How nice??? Must be!!!! Wish I had the luxury! You know what you should do. Your looking for confirmation and your getting it. Sit back and relax. Take some NSN time. You will fall in love again. I'm sure. Either that or you will eventually get over him and start dating. I started dating about a month after my break up. I love it! So many men, so little time! Your young, live life to the fullest! Even if its not with the man you love at this moment in time Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted May 17, 2005 Share Posted May 17, 2005 Well maybe you don't really love him. Maybe you want to love him or think you should, but deep down you really don't and you just feel guilty about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted May 17, 2005 Author Share Posted May 17, 2005 Tanbark...i think you're right Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Tanbark, as usual, is right. I think you love him on one level, but not on the most important level. You like and respect him as a human being, and you hate hurting him, but you are also becoming perhaps a bit more realistic when it comes to the process of mate selection. The person's right, but the timing's bad. It happens. Don't feel too guilty about it, but be straight with him and don't send mixed messages. If it's off, the let him know it's off so he can go on with his life. Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 I agree. If you really loved him, you would know it and you would not be kissing him while thinking to yourself you want it to stop. You wouldn't give him empty hugs. I think you just don't want to hurt him, and maybe your loneliness is what is making you second guess your decision. It apparently has nothing to do with your *real* love for him. Hang in there, loneliness sucks but its usually just temporary. Link to post Share on other sites
catnip Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 What am I missing?...what happened to your 'soulmate' Lozano??? *click here to revisit her thread posted on April 07/05* Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 OH YEAH! I remember now! I was thinking NSN had been talking about being in love with this other guy not too long ago...guess that didn't last long! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted May 18, 2005 Author Share Posted May 18, 2005 WEllll...I realized I need to solve my feelings for my ex and puts those feelings aside. I think I was living in a dream with Lozano...He still wants to work things out but I still Love my ex like I said...Just maybe the way you guys are seeing it. Lozano, I've talked to him and told him how I Felt about my ex and he understands. I do think he's "like" my soulmate but after spending some time with him...I've come to realize I think their's some one else out their for me. After seeing my ex I knew I wasn't ready to jump into another relationship. I need time to remember what it is I want in life and with love. I need to find the meaning again...Sounds silly but find myself again. When you're filled with certain emotions you tend to be blind about the facts. I guess I just want to find "the ONE" that I"m looking and searching so hard and it's not even around yet. I'm getting my thoughts and my heart together before I jump into conclusions of what it is I want or need. I haven't been single in 3 years and I think it's time. I'm in need of some NEVERSAYNEVER time!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted May 18, 2005 Author Share Posted May 18, 2005 I think you just don't want to hurt him, and maybe your loneliness is what is making you second guess your decision. It apparently has nothing to do with your *real* love for him. Hang in there, loneliness sucks but its usually just temporary. Loneliness is a b!tch but being with someone for the wrong reasons is a SON of a b!tch!!! You're right I guess I'm just in the state of mind that I'm not getting any younger and I just want to be happy but I need to be happy with myself before I'm happy with anyone else...I've learned that NOW of course through all this f***ing drama in my life... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted May 18, 2005 Author Share Posted May 18, 2005 You know what 's funny, I've blabbed on and really haven't said anything...That's how f*cked up my head is and how much "in" love I am...Wow, this is what it feels like...FINALLY I FOUND HIM!!!! Oh no...I said that..that's not even how I feel now...Wow, I was blind, I think I'l stick my foot in my mouth now!!! Time heals everything and back then I was more confused than now. I've analyzed more and thought about a lot of things... and basically I'm just not ready for a commitment. I want to enjoy time with friends, family and some alone time. I think it's time I stop looking for happiness in someone else and not in myself. I'm not going to say anything I don't mean anymore, I tend to sometimes get caught up in my head and I don't realize what I'm doing. That's why I need some alone time. To get my feelings and thought in order because I'm a mess... Link to post Share on other sites
snoop_dawg22 Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 If you're confused and conflicted alone time is the best way to go. You don't want to settle for someone just b/c they seem so mesierable w/o you. Who are you really doing a favor? Him or you? You'll be hurting both yourself and him. Happiness does come from within and it took me a long time to know that and I stayed in unhealthy, unemotional, not right relationships b/c I though I needed a guy to make me happy. You'll be alright. This will pass. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by NeverSayNever Oh no...I said that..that's not even how I feel now...Wow, I was blind, I think I'l stick my foot in my mouth now!!! Time heals everything and back then I was more confused than now. I've analyzed more and thought about a lot of things... and basically I'm just not ready for a commitment. I want to enjoy time with friends, family and some alone time. I think it's time I stop looking for happiness in someone else and not in myself. I'm not going to say anything I don't mean anymore, I tend to sometimes get caught up in my head and I don't realize what I'm doing. That's why I need some alone time. To get my feelings and thought in order because I'm a mess... I think you understand the present situation well by yourself, you need to give yourself some time, think about you and then what are your priorities in life, what route you are going to take for reaching your goals and whose path crosses your path enroute the goal. Basically it is always good idea to be with someone for some time or let's say few months, try to see how you fit yourself in that relationship and then commit, so there is nothing wrong if you don't feel like committing. What is wrong is get into commitment phase on day one and then breaking it off. Never start a relationships in assumptions and comparisons. I explain, assumption means that tommorrow he is going to change, tommorrow I would be comfortable with him, stuff like this pls avoid. Relationship is based on present facts not future. Comparisons means that he is not like my ex, he is more mature, No it is not like this , you don't want to get a different person than your ex but you want to get a person who is compatible to you. Think of YOURSELF before thinking of anyone else in relationship, this is the difference between a relationship and what those sisters at Missionaries of Charity are doing. You can't be selfless in a relationship. lastly I would say that " Never say YES, just cause you were unable to say NO" It would hurt all the stake holders. P.S - I think you are pretty much thinking on right lines by yourself so have confidence in you all the time. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted May 18, 2005 Author Share Posted May 18, 2005 Yes Greenhorn...That's why I talked to Lozano and he feels the same way I do...I talked to my EX and I told him I would love to work things out but I'm not ready too. I'm not ready to be in a relationship and as you can read and see!! I decided to be alone for many reasons and I know that way I won't hurt anyone....Not Lozano or my EX... Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Yes it is a good idea to be alone for some time and then take a decision . If you are not happy in a relationship then no one else will be happy too. Doesn't matter if you want to get back to your ex again, just give some time, think from fresh perspective without prejudice and then see if it is what you want. Being in dilemma is never good whether the outcome is good or bad, so cut this dilemma. Remember a person who is not peace with himself/herself is not a correct person to be with. This time when you take a decision after much deliberation, it will be a correct one and all will be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Illusion24 Posted May 18, 2005 Author Share Posted May 18, 2005 Yeah Greenhorn... It is a dilemma but it's my life! I need to find my happiness so I can make someone else happy. What I mean by happy is finding and doing the things I like to do and not having anyone tell me 'no you can't do that' or my actions effecting someone. Being happy with where and who I am in my life and not wanting more. Being satisfied with mysefl and the decisions I've made. Get me?? Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Yes if you are finding that your actions are hurting or affecting some one in any way then detach yourself from them, go and tell them that you are not linked to them in anyway.If after that they still get hurt then you can't do anything, it is their hard luck you can say. The more honestly you go and say them the less painful it will be. What I get now is that whatever decision you take now, you feel it is hurting someone your ex or Lozano but it is not your fault. Technically and officially your relationship with your ex is over and with Lozano you are clear that you have not entered in any relationship so just don't bother more, concentrate on yourself. If you try to be with someone to please them right now, then it will be painful for them only. Sometimes it helps to close your mind to everyone else and just think of yourself. There was one of my friend who had not so good relationship with his wife and they were living separately, when ever I used to go and visit him he would start up his story and make me feel miserable as well. Slowly slowly I left going to him though he used to call me to come and meet him as he want to share his pain, but I realised that there is a limit, I can't go and make myself feel miserable all the time. It was not like that he is ill and and I am not taking him to doctor but I could avoid myself in listening to his story again and again. It might be called as selfish behavior from my side but if I don't feel happy then what is the point in going and meeting someone. Think of you only and if you think that changing your job your home or your circle might help then I don't think it is wrong to do that as well. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted May 18, 2005 Share Posted May 18, 2005 Forgot about decisions,here you go you can never be happy with your decisions until and unless you own them so start owning your decisions. Owning means that say to yourself, whatever is going to be the outcome of this decision I am going to live with it, I have taken this decision after lot of thinking and this was the best outcome of the situation that I was having. Tommorrow the situation might change but remember at the time of taking the decision it was the best outcome.I don't know how to explain this more, but try to use the statistical corrolary and if possible Game theory as well and it would be simple Once I took decision to get out of s*** and I landed in cesspool, but I said this was my decision and so I am happy with the outcome, may be it didn't work out but I won't blame myself rather learn from it. Link to post Share on other sites
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