After a year and a half it's time to end it. I'm not sure how.

May 12, 2005

We've been together for about a year and a half. We've been saying " I love you" for about a year. We are both late 20's early 30's. We both are feeling pressure to get married and start families. Her biological clock is Booming!

Here's the thing : She's not the one.

On so many levels she is everything a guy could ask for. She is smart, supportive, loving, attractive and funny. I have literally been going out of my mind b/c I'd be crazy not to want that. My emotional and logical sides of my brain are in full conflict.

At this point in time however if she was the one I'd know it. I'd be planning on how I was going to propose. I'd be looking forward to moving in with her and not filled with apprehension and dread.

She has a lot of abandonment issues from her childhood and she told me that this is only the second healthy relationship she has ever had. She is emotionally frail in this regard. I've already tried to end it but it didn't take. I was honest and told her that I just didn't think we were meant to be together. She instantly started hysterical crying and wailing in pain. She convinced me to try to work it out but there really isn't anything to work out. So I've been living a lie for about a month. The longer this goes on the worse it is going to be.

So I need advice and encouragement. How do I tell a woman who has on all accounts been a wonderful girlfriend that the future she has been imagining, the kids she has been seeing in her mind, the future she has been planning with me, is over ?

How do I crush one of my best friends and walk away?

The only thing I can think of saying is choosing your soul mate is like choosing the family you are born into. You can't do it.

Trust me I have been trying. I have been trying to force her to be the one and it just is not happening.

Thanks for any advice or insight.

May 12, 2005

It's like ripping off a band-aid - better fast and firm.

May 12, 2005

bing bing...Please do not drag this out!

She will live through it and go on in time!

But stringing her along is doing more harm not only to you but imagine what she is going through?

The uncertainty she is having to face day in and day out!

Sit her down, tell her honestly how you feel, hug her and tell her how sorry you are and then leave!

Do not contact her to find out how she is! No phone, text emailing!!! No nothing! Let her go!

May 12, 2005

If she's not the one then cut her loose. Nothing is worse than "settling" for someone you don't truly love.

I recently had to do the same - I dragged out a 2 year relationship with a guy and finally I just came out and said I'd rather risk ending this relationship and wait for "the one" instead of being with him. You'll get to the point to where you dread being with this person and it's not fair to them.

End it now and move on.

May 12, 2005

The best thing to do is to be firm, and truthful. Do not offer "friendship". Do not use the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line. Don't tell her that you'll call if you won't. Anything you say to spare her feelings will be twisted by wishful thinking to mean something that they really don't. You don't have to be mean, but you really shouldn't say stuff you don't mean either just to make the breakup seem less painful. There is no avoiding her pain and hurt.

One of the hardest things to do is to tell a person, through no fault of their own that you simply do not love them back, and want out of the relationship. No matter what you tell her, she's going to find some way to read some hope into it and anything that can be interpreted as even faintly positive will be done so through wishful thinking. She will blame herself, and wonder what she has done to drive you away. All you can do is just keep telling her that it is not anything she did. She will wonder if there is someone else. She will wonder if you really mean it. Basically, she will believe anything but the truth: that you simply do not love her the way she loves you, and do not want to be in a relationship with her.

Tell her that you are sorry, but the relationship is over and that you are sorry that she is hurt. If she goes hysterical, then tell her that you are sorry but that you have to leave. There is nothing you can do that will stop her from going hysterical. So, as hard as it will be you will have to remove yourself from the situation when she does.

May 13, 2005

yeah....blah, blah, blah....But why do you rEALLy not want to be with her?

you have mentioned the good things, but what is it that you have a problem with?

do you know?

May 13, 2005

Originally posted by Victoria
If she's not the one then cut her loose. Nothing is worse than "settling" for someone you don't truly love.

I recently had to do the same - I dragged out a 2 year relationship with a guy and finally I just came out and said I'd rather risk ending this relationship and wait for "the one" instead of being with him. You'll get to the point to where you dread being with this person and it's not fair to them.

End it now and move on.

Dang. That sounds like what my ex did to me several months ago. But, when your at a young age, you want to experience life and see what it is all about. The truth is its not only love that you should be with a person, but whether he/she treats you right, whether he/she is COMPATIBLE with you, whether he/she shares the same common goal. Love can be blind, but there are so many factors that play into a relationship.....

May 13, 2005

Originally posted by laRubiaBonita
yeah....blah, blah, blah....But why do you rEALLy not want to be with her?

you have mentioned the good things, but what is it that you have a problem with?

do you know?

haha....i was thinkin the same thing

May 13, 2005

But if you are really sure she is not "the one" then you must end it-cause it will be worse if you start a family together etc...then decide to tell her...better now than then...

But like the others have said---- NC with her so she gets the point- no friendship etc or she will still have that glimmer of hope that happens when your ex fails to completely cut their ties with you and leaves you wondering...What Ifs?

May 13, 2005

Ashley 83 and La Rubia Bonita.

I'm assuming that you are both still pretty young ( Ashley 22 ). Maybe you'll understand when your a little older.

There is nothing "Wrong" with my girlfriend.

All I know is that after a year and a half, if I'm not happily thinking about getting married to her she just isn't the right one. That's all.

No other girl. No nothing. Just the absence of a feeling I should have by now.

BTW LRB "blah, blah , blahing" someone is incredibly rude.

May 13, 2005

I actually feel like my boyfriend did the same thing to me 2 weeks ago when he broke up with me, just said "something is missing" I dont know what i 100% believe him but i cant make someone love me or feel a certain way. I do agree with some of the previous emails regarding love is blind and there is a lot more to it than just love. That feeling of bliss dies after some time, you will never have that initial feeling of falling in love with the person all the time, its how relationships work. I dont necessarily think my bf was certain with his decision either, he felt it was the best choice at the time but dont know how he feels about it now. It ended very abruptly and we havent really communicated since and its been 2 weeks, only communication has been an email conv he initated the tuesday after, then a text message from him last tuesday - stating he wanted to keep my stuff and we will get together in couple weeks to talk and see how we feel - then i emailed him a week ago and he pretty much told me that time apart will let us both know if we are meant to be.

In my mind I think its pretty much over because if he was second guessing himself i think i would have heard from him but i really dont know how much time it takes a person to realize what they have lost?

May 13, 2005

Actually, I think that strict NC is for the dumpee - I don't think the same logic applies when you're the dumper.

As a dumper (and I have more experience playing this side of the game), I think it is kinder to maintain a low level of contact - maybe the occasional email or chat with a mutual friend - just to check that she is ok. One ex had a death in the family 10 days after the split. Obviously I phoned her and sent flowers.

This only works of course, if you are very clear that this is the end. No false hope.

May 13, 2005

Originally posted by bing bing
She is smart, supportive, loving, attractive and funny.

Strange, isn't it, how on paper someone can be everything we want - yet it just doesn't click. The hellish fact for you to deal with is that from her point of view it DOES click. LucreziaBorgia's advice is about the best you can follow really, because if there was a pain-free way to break up with somebody, a book would definitely have been written about it by now.

Gentle but direct. Leave no room for doubt. Emphasise that you are 100% certain that the relationship is not for you. Tell her you're not going to call - not because you don't care about her, but because you believe that continued contact will make it more difficult for her to believe it really is over.

However nicely you try to do this she might well hate you for a while. Her friends, family - and, at some point, a new lover - will all help to take the sting away over time. You, unfortunately, cannot.

May 13, 2005

well in that case i dont know what my exs deal is...he is the one who broke up with me, yet when he sees me he looks down...WTF! I was nothing but nice and understanding towards him this whole time..i dont get it!

Im enforcing the NC because everything seems to think that is the best idea. So far its been 2 weeks since we broke up and one week since i last contacted him thru email.

May 13, 2005

He looks down queenie b/c he feels guilty. He feels like he let you down by not being able to follow through with the relationship.

I think you are stuck in this mentality of you thinking you were not good enough.

That's not it, really.

Not every relationship results in a life long love and family.

If that were the case we'd all be walking around in wedded bliss, not on this board seeking advice on how to deal with the pain of a break up.

He's hurting too. From what I read of your thread he is really just trying to do the right thing and lot lead you on.

It sounds like he really cares about you but just doesn't see it being a now and forever thing.

May 13, 2005

yeah i guess maybe you are right...im just left confused tho because he was the one who talked about the future, not me and he was the one who made vacation plans for us this summer etc....i just buy the fact that "something is missing" In my mind i feel that he broke up with me to figure out if we really were meant to be. Sounds so cliche but i really think thats true...and now by his actions its become obvious to me that he doenst think we are meant to be. But why the text message asking to keep my stuff so that we could talk in a couple weeks and see how we feel??

He mentions time and time over again that he thinks time apart will let us know if we were meant to be and states that he handled things all wrong etc....

May 13, 2005

I can't speak to his motivations but it sounds like he is hoping that with some time apart he will realize that your the one he wants to be with. Maybe he thinks he just felt stiffled or scared and some time apart might change that.

May 14, 2005

bing:

let me tell you some about my experience in the hope of giving you 1) strength, 2) courage, 3) a swift kick in the @$$!

i too was/am like you...have been trying to "learn" how to love this wonderful woman i've been seeing. well, i probably do love her, or deeply care for/about her. but....i've known she's not the one for me (i think) and have tried to convince myself my gut feeling about her was wrong. she is, by all rational accounts, a great wonderful person and has been nothing but supportive, caring, devoted, faithful, loyal, etc. to me!!! so, what's the problem?? i don't know...i have...an issue or two with her. and though it may be small relative to the number of good things about her (let's say she's 95% perfect for me), it's that 5% that seems to be pretty important to me.

what's this have to do with your situation? remember a few things:

1) you'll be fine, SHE'LL be fine. but only if you do the right thing by breaking it off clean. letting her (and you) get on. seriously...she's not that fragile.

2) there really is no right/wrong in looking for the "perfect person". while she may have wonderful qualities, if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. and that's nobody's fault. it just is what it is....sad, but simple reality. so, you may be right, if she were "the one", you might be feeling different. but, do a little self examination, do you have issues that keep you with women despite the fact they aren't "the one"? do you really think you'd recognize that perfect person if you met them? would you allow them to be that to you? or are your standards too high??? i know i suffer from some of these ailments, which create confusion in me and make me question whether i'm running scared or if my ex is truly not the right girl for me (oh, i just ended a 2 year on/off thing 4 days ago...i'm raw, man! RAW!!!)

3) perhaps the most important thing (for you) to remember is when you break it off, it'll suck. you'll miss her and feel bad but only b/c you'll remember the good things (and that's nice) about her and the good times together, etc. Try to also balance that by thinking about how life would've been WITH her...you obviously didn't think she was the one. would you want to go through life unsure? knowing your wife probably loved you more than you loved her? feeling like you may have "settled"??? remember all things...and stay strong. if you come to decide that she was in fact right for you, try again in a month, or 3. it may be too late, but you have to break contact and give both of you space.

anyway...i suppose all this is as much for my benefit as yours. good luck. i'll be seeing you here.

May 14, 2005

Hi bing,

I think you've got a lot of insightful feedback in this thread. I think this is particularly key:

Originally posted by TheBarnacle
do a little self examination, do you have issues that keep you with women despite the fact they aren't "the one"? do you really think you'd recognize that perfect person if you met them? would you allow them to be that to you? or are your standards too high???

And to it I would add a couple of other questions: do you say "I love you" prematurely/too easily? It sounds like you're not really in touch with yourself. And it's not just a matter of saying "I love you" when you don't really mean it. It's the whole deal: spending a year and a half in a committed relationship with someone you're not head-over-heels about -- why? Are you someone who doesn't like to be alone, and will therefore coast along in a tolerably pleasant relationship even though your heart's not really in it? You're going to be hurting this woman, and feeling guilty, not just because she's got unrequited feelings for you, which of course is painful. But this is more than that, it's worse than that. You've been deceiving her, and possibly yourself. Now you're aware of the deception and you cannot continue it -- good for you. Yes, it will be hard for her. She'll question the veracity of every word you ever said to her. She'll question her ability to know when someone is being honest with her. You should probably be asking those questions of yourself.

Be honest. Be prepared for any number of different reactions. Be prepared for accusations. Don't try to resolve the situation so that you feel better about yourself and what happened -- try to resolve it so that the damage to her is minimized. You'll have to take your cues from her to see what will be required.

May 14, 2005

Originally posted by midori
Hi bing,

You're going to be hurting this woman, and feeling guilty, not just because she's got unrequited feelings for you, which of course is painful. But this is more than that, it's worse than that. You've been deceiving her, and possibly yourself. Now you're aware of the deception and you cannot continue it -- good for you. Yes, it will be hard for her. She'll question the veracity of every word you ever said to her. She'll question her ability to know when someone is being honest with her. You should probably be asking those questions of yourself.

Be honest. Be prepared for any number of different reactions. Be prepared for accusations. Don't try to resolve the situation so that you feel better about yourself and what happened -- try to resolve it so that the damage to her is minimized. You'll have to take your cues from her to see what will be required.

Wow - that's great advice, and really made me think. I put too much of myself and too many years of my life into a lengthy on/off relationship. Eventually the dumper finally told me that after careful consideration he'd concluded that he simply wasn't capable of loving me. I was left wondering, as midori suggests, whether the words "I love you" would ever inspire anything beyond doubt and cynicism in me again. On the other hand, how do you define love? Would the other person put their own life at risk to save you from drowning? I always had an instinct that my ex wouldn't put himself out for me if it came to the crunch... but I'd pounce on any and every sign that my instincts were wrong. When he finally did dump me I felt like the idiotic victim of a sleazy and obvious conman, and it took a long time to have any respect for myself again.

bing - I admire your commitment towards dealing with this situation in a sensitive manner. Your girlfriend may not be as clueless about your feelings as you think she is. Maybe you need to help her explore her most basic instincts about you and this relationship. That might be sufficient to convince her that the relationship should end.

May 14, 2005

Originally posted by lindya

bing - I admire your commitment towards dealing with this situation in a sensitive manner. Your girlfriend may not be as clueless about your feelings as you think she is. Maybe you need to help her explore her most basic instincts about you and this relationship. That might be sufficient to convince her that the relationship should end.

I think that's very insightful. She might be deliberately ignoring the parts of her that have been doubtful about bing and his intentions. Bing has said and done things (e.g. "I love you" and staying in the relationship) that served to counter those doubts, so it's not that she's entirely self-delusional about how her boyfriend feels about her. He's been contributing heavily to the deception. Perhaps he can find a way to gently remove the blinders from her eyes.

If you can find a way to do that gently and effectively bing, you'll have accomplished a lot. Gentle for her I mean -- I do think that you've got some hard soul-searching ahead of you, and you shouldn't go easy on yourself there.

May 14, 2005

Originally posted by midori

Don't try to resolve the situation so that you feel better about yourself and what happened .

ABSOLUTELY! i know i have a history of ending fairly long relationships that i know aren't going anywhere...i'm the classic serial monogomist -- at 36 you'd think i'd have learned by now ::sigh:: another break-up has finally gotten through to me, i need to evaluate me!!! anyway, i think the above advice is VERY crucial, bing. i know for me it's hard to end a relationship. never fun hurting someone ("oh, by the way, i know you love me and thought we were going to get married, but....i don't want to see you anymore"). so i try to ease my own pain in the process and come out smelling like a rose. it's important you NOT come out looking great in this. that doesn't make it easier on her. end it, feel bad. feel sad. feel guilty. whatever...but don't try to end it so that you feel good.

good advice midori.

May 14, 2005

What I'd like to know very much, of possible, was it the idea that she's not the one lingering in yr head from the start? Was it at first like you found yr soulmate and then just gradually you changed yr mind? Or maybe you just thought, here's a fantastic person, maybe it'll turn out to be the one?

May 14, 2005

Bing Bing

You sound like a really considerate guy and a good person!

My boyfriend had the same issue with his ex. I mean, I met the girl: she's beautiful, smart and most of all a lovely person. But he knew from the start that she wasn't the one and that feeling never changed. Nevertheless they were together for three years until he finally broke up with her leaving her devastated and (don't get this one wrong) in her early thirties and single.

And he suffered too as he hated the thought of hurting such a wonderful person so much! I will never understand how he could stay with her for so long but he says that she was a very "presentable" and kind girlfriend to have.

Anyway, they would have NEVER found happiness; he would have never married her!

Same happened to me: my ex-boyfriend and I were together for almost six years. For some reason I wasn't "the one" for him. So he finally lets me know after five years of relationship.

Bottom line: I found a zillion times kinder, smarter better looking guy who I love so much and who loves me. We're getting married next year. And my boyfriend would have never found me if he hadn't broken up with that girl who was kind, lovely etc. but who just wasn't "the one".

You're not only blocking your own way to happiness but your current girlfriend's chance to find that guy who will happily spend the rest of his life with her.

Don't think about "how" to do it. It'll hurt her so much anyway! In fact I recommend not being too kind and understanding when you tell her. It'll just make it even harder for her to let you go.

So sorry for your girlfriend. (I've been there!) I mean, I eventually left my last relationship as I obviously wasn't "the one". But it was nevertheless F""king painful.

All the best!

May 14, 2005

Originally posted by TheBarnacle
so i try to ease my own pain in the process and come out smelling like a rose. it's important you NOT come out looking great in this. that doesn't make it easier on her. end it, feel bad. feel sad. feel guilty. whatever...but don't try to end it so that you feel good.

Agreed TheBarnacle. My ex left me about 2 months ago because she felt I was not "the one". Did she step back and realize what she did?. Did she feel any sadness or guilt when I treated her well?. Nope, she went on life as if nothing happened and laughed/joked about how she ended it. Please do not think that breaking up is a notch under the belt, because you are dealing with someone's emotions and feelings. Think about losing a loved one, either a family member, friend, or even a pet. Thats the feeling she will have and she will have to deal with it on her own.

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After a year and a half it's time to end it. I'm not sure how.

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