mustangsally Posted April 24, 2005 Posted April 24, 2005 Everyone says I should be over it by now and shouldn't even give him a second thought. But its wearing on me. I can't not do it. Please what are your opinions? Here is my story: I am 20 years old and in college and i started dating this guy who is 18 and a senior in high school. We met over the summer doing a theater program and we gradually started hanging out all of the time. He admitted he had a crush on me and I smiled and shrugged it off as a cute kid with a cute crush. I went back to school in August and we kept in close contact. About a month later, he revealed he still had feelings for me and wanted to know where I stood. I told him I had feelings for him too and we'd try it. Things started off slowly and then escalated pretty quickly. He said he loved me and we talked about marriage, kids, etc. He's a mama's boy so this whole time the mom was pretty skeptical of everything...thinking that maybe I was pushing her son to places he wasn't ready. She would never let him visit me at school and would put restrictions on him seeing me when I was at home because she would force him to do his work. I came home for winter break which was six weeks long. I was having a great time with him until he started doing something that was pissing me off about five weeks into the break. I wrote him a letter about it, but it was in a nice loving way, just saying that I was a little miffed at him for a small reason. But I still loved him and I just wanted him to know....we could talk about it. It would have been our first fight. Also, in between the time of the last time we spent together (which was PERFECT) and our break up, we had a miscommunication where he thought I was telling him i thought I was pregnant....this was not the case. Before he read that e-mail, he said he loved me and never wanted to break up with me. He read the e-mail and then called me saying he needed to come over. He came over and ended us, saying that the distance wouldn't work, that he wouldn't have time for me, that he just didn't know anymore....something had changed and he didn't know what. He said he knew he was making a mistake and he'd regret this later, but he had to do it. He kept emphasizing that i'd find someone better than him and he felt like he was holding me back at college....I was better than this. I didn't need to be with a high school student. After the fact, he kept text and calling and IMing me, apologizing. I told him he needed to stop unless he actually wanted to work things out. He sent me an e-mail saying why he dumped me...and they were all reasons his mother had projected on him...that i wanted him to marry me because I'm appparently looking to get married (Uhhh....how about no! i still have law school!) and he couldn't do that and just a bunch of BS that seemed to be fears he had expressed to me were his mother's but he was now taking on as his. One of the things that pissed me off the most was that he basically said I was lazy....which is what his mother had said. He had told me she didn't like that we lay around and cuddle a lot, but he loved it. But when he e-mailed me, he said he never felt good about himself after laying around. He said over my break, I didn't keep busy enough and it bothered him....WTF?! he then went on to say "I'm holding you back from meeting someone you could marry at college because I won't be ready for marriage for a long time." The annoying thing with that statement is that he brought it up as much as I did...perhaps even more. And I told him that it would be naive of us to get married soon anyway. I read the e-mail and told him I saw a solution. We talked it out and we agreed that we could possibly move forward but chill out a little, not talk about marriage and I wouldn't pressure him to go to my college (which he had gotten accepted to). He said he liked the idea but he would think about it. He admitted the pregnancy thing scared him and he was scared that he might love me for all of this time and then I'd leave him or find someone better. he acted like we were together for a couple of days and then called me and said he couldn't do this. Same BS excuses....no real answer that came from him. He said he loved me and everything about me but can't do this, and he wants to remain my best friend. We got into a huge fight and he started crying about it and said he lost all this sleep over it and was depressed for a while. We kept in close contact until I went away to school. I started dating guys ASAP and told him about it. It pissed him off. We stopped talking for a while, only infrequent calls, texts, IMs, e-mails...initiated from both parties. I have been having a very hard time without him and this break up has seriously spiraled me into a deep depression. I don't even know what to do... I had been hearing through third parties that he was depressed, so I gave him a call and asked him point blank if this was true. He wasn't there when I called, so I left him a message...and not only did he text me back, but he called me back several times and made sure it was the correct time to talk. He said everyone was lying (even though these conversations were RECORDED on AIM) and he was fine. The break up had sent him to therapy, yes. His grades were slipping, yes...but oh no...boy was fine! He told me that in the three weeks we'd gone without talking, he'd moved on completely. Yes...all the love he harbored for me three weeks ago...GONE. GONE. He even has a new girlfriend! But he can't tell me about her because it "hurts his feelings" when I tell him about guys...so why should he hurt my feelings? A friend of ours loves drama and IMed me about the girl he's seeing now. She is far less physically attractive than I am and while I'm sure she's a sweet girl, he's admittedly told me she's not his type. She's very pure and virginal and although both of us were too before we got together, he'd still want to pursue a physical relationship with a girl. She cannot give that to him. She's overweight as well as only 15 or 16. When I talked to him on the phone, he begged for me to be his friend. I got so pissed at him that I sent all of his gifts back that he had given me ($500 of gifts in four months!). I sent him a letter telling him I couldn't be his friend because he was so ambiguous and never gave me a straight answer on ANYTHING. Why would I want a friend who does that? Besides, if we were "friends", how long would that last before someone fell in love again or started getting pissed at the other? No...you can't be friends with the person who took your innocence and hence wants nothing to do with you. I then sent him an apology letter about a month later telling him I was sorry for being such bitch. I haven't had contact with him for over a month now. During our last phone conversation, I basically fell apart. He had called me and I started to cry because I was still in love with him on top of the fact that I've recently found out I have a serious illness (something he dumped me for...I was extremely fatigued all the time and he thought I was just lazy and was getting annoyed by it) and was grappling with it on top of trying to go to school and maintain my leadership responsibilities in my clubs. I think he thought I was a little crazy at the time...but I was just so distraught. And to hear that he'd moved on so quickly was an effing slap in the face. Lately, he's been leaving up very depressing away messages once again. Someone showed me a recent picture of him and the once so skinny guy I used to know has gained 20-30lbs in the 3 months its been since I've seen him. He also came by my house yesterday to give me something that I had left at his house like 4 months ago and never asked for back....but i wasn't there so i didn't see him. I just don't know....I wish I could just GET OVER HIM...but I'm having so many problems doing it. And the fact that he says he's over his first love in 2 weeks and happily with this other girl? How much sense does that make? Any advice is nice. I have done the NC...I don't talk about him with mutual friends...yet all I can think of is HIM.
bicyclejunk Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 GET OVER HIM, toherwise you'll have to deal with his wishy washy ways and his mom's influence over him. Plus, you're young. You could easily find another. It's tough and it hurts and it's love and it's tearing you apart, but it's always always always best to just take a big step back and look at the bigger picture. Take a break from it to get yourself healthy and you head clear. The "Let's still be Friends" thing, doesn't work. There's always going to be weird awkwardness, always. You have to Cut All Ties. He only wants to remain friends probably just in case his current thing doesn;t work out AND i'm sure it's a MAJOR ego stroke for him, to have a girl like you SO into him and in agaony over the fact that you want to be with him, and you're older. So he probably wants to sorta keep you around as a friend, just in case. I'd say forget about him, ignore all messages, phone calls, let him squirm. You need to get yourself Healthy mentally and physically. This stress won't help you get better.
Author mustangsally Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 well, it could be an ego stroke, but I no longer talk to him nor acknowledge him. I don't talk to him with mutual friends and I haven't for a while. I know he reads my livejournal, and I have never mentioned him in a setting mutual friends can see. The last time I cried to him was almost 2 months ago and the last time I had any communication with him, I lied to him and told him I had moved on and was over him. but yet now he's depressed and is coming by my house with crap I left over there? i don't know. I guess my problem is its easier to just call someone a jerk and get mad at them than think about the real problem going on. Clearly there's something going on with him, am I wrong?
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