Mutual/OK breakup = SO much harder!

[loveisallaround]

This has definitely been a different break up for me - no being vindictive, no anger, no hostility towards my ex-boyfriend.

 

Yesterday morning he brought up that he wanted to break up because, as he put it, it began to lose himself. The classic scenario of diving in a little too fast and losing sight of what was around us. He didn't want to break up, but felt like it had to be done.

 

And as much as I didn't want to agree, I had to. I feel like I wasn't fully myself and I lost touch. Although he was the first where I was truly myself, I didn't give him all I had to offer. Although, what I gave him was definitely true.

 

The most difficult part of this is, we still want to be friends. Our compatibility is uncanny. We had so much fun together. We were well on the path to becoming best friends, and thats what kills us both. EVen post break-up, on the way home, we were totally comfortable.

 

We both vowed to help eachother through this and make it as easy as possible.

 

But I'm wondering: Is being really good friends possible? When should I call him? How do I approach my plan of healing - I've never had such a good breakup before.

[Fallen_Angel]

My situation is vaguely similar to yours (in that the ex wants to help me & remain friends, although I've instituted NC and he hasn't contacted me in almost a week). I don't have a wealth of relationship experience to draw from, but generally I believe if two people in a relationship can easily transition to friendship, there wasn't much love involved to begin with.

 

I say this only because I was once involved with a guy I was friends with first, and he broke it off and said he still wanted us to be best friends. I of course struggled mightily with the idea, because we'd only dated for a short time and I'll freely admit I was a bit more immature then. But once some time had passed and I'd gotten over my feelings, we became friends again. We're as close now as we were before we dated, which is great because he's been a shoulder to lean on through this difficult time.

 

If you didn't date for very long, it doesn't seem out of the question that the two of you would naturally fall into a friendship. If you're saying you don't miss the idea of being romantic with him, and the idea of him seeing other girls doesn't make you want to crawl into a dark hole and never come out, then by all means you should be just fine. Perhaps you might need a little time away from him to process what has happened. Call him in a few days and see how the conversation progresses & how it makes you feel. I don't think you have to approach healing any differently than any other breakup - you're lucky that you're a bit ahead of the game because the breakup was mutual, so you won't torture yourself as much with the what ifs and whys.

[Tony T]

There are no rules here. Go with your heart. However, you will not find true love and romance if you are still dealing with this guy. There has to be a period of separation for you to be able to move on to something special. Of course, you want to retain him as a friend if he is decent. He, too, needs some time apart in order to begin healing and dating others.

 

Frankly, it sounds like you would have been perfect for him had he been ready. It's simply not the right time. Timing is more important than love when it comes to romance. No matter how compatible, no matter how deep the love, if one or the other does not feel the time is right for a relationship, it simply ain't gonna happen. PERIOD.

 

Now if neither of you feel like it's time for a long termer, you'll just have to sit down and define what the relationship between the two of you will actually be. Most people, however, would continue the search and eventually settle down when the time is right.

[loveisallaround]

Thanks for the advice.

 

This is extremly difficult.

 

I swore I wouldn't talk to him, but he just called and like a doofus I picked up. Only the next day after the break-up!

 

Albeit he said it was for a couch that I was going to take, but, when we talked about the break-up, all he said was: "life goes on."

[loveisallaround]

UPDATE:

 

I talked with him on Sunday; he actually called me regarding a couch that I was going to take from him. I basically told him that I'd get back to him but at the end of the phone call I asked him how he was:

 

"I'm OK. How are you?"

"I'm doing alright. This still kind of sucks."

And he said: "Oh well, life goes on."

 

Although I've came to the conclusion that the remark was an effort to smooth over his insecurities and pain, it was one of the most insensitive comments I've ever got in my life. From basically the first person/lover I was becoming fast best friends with and loved.

 

This week has been brutal but I've intiated a week of absolute No Contact and I haven't e-mailed him, called him and I've blocked him on MSN. Every morning it's so hard to get up to the thought but I've been doing better and better everyday.

 

I'm still not sure if I want to be friends with him. I feel hurt and resentful of not only the stupid comment but the whole break-up situation altogether - I feel it was done hastily in light of other options.

[Fallen_Angel]

I myself have cut off contact with the ex. Our last conversation sounded a lot like yours. The first two or three times we talked after it all happened, he seemed more willing to volunteer information about how he was really feeling. After that, everything he said was said at me: "You'll get through this, you're so strong," etc. etc. Then he'd talk about the weather, or how tough school is.

 

I got so upset at the end of our last conversation that I decided I'd had enough. Why should I cry and get hysterical every time I talk to him, when I can simply retreat for a while? I totally understand your analysis of the "life goes on" remark. I think that's what he's thinking too. He says I'll eventually get over this. Well, sure I will! But it's going to hurt like hell first!

 

Time might be the best thing right now. Maybe he'll realize what he's given up.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by loveisallaround

This has definitely been a different break up for me - no being vindictive, no anger, no hostility towards my ex-boyfriend.

 

Yesterday morning he brought up that he wanted to break up because, as he put it, it began to lose himself. The classic scenario of diving in a little too fast and losing sight of what was around us. He didn't want to break up, but felt like it had to be done.

 

And as much as I didn't want to agree, I had to. I feel like I wasn't fully myself and I lost touch. Although he was the first where I was truly myself, I didn't give him all I had to offer. Although, what I gave him was definitely true.

 

The most difficult part of this is, we still want to be friends. Our compatibility is uncanny. We had so much fun together. We were well on the path to becoming best friends, and thats what kills us both. EVen post break-up, on the way home, we were totally comfortable.

 

We both vowed to help eachother through this and make it as easy as possible.

 

But I'm wondering: Is being really good friends possible? When should I call him? How do I approach my plan of healing - I've never had such a good breakup before.

 

I'm in the same situation but SHE called it off. And I full admit that *I* dove in too fast, she didn't. I think you can be friends, but I would caution you that you should avoid talking about other dates. It will only make each other jealous.

 

I think you should limit the contact as well. Even though I don't want to, as she is my good friend, I feel I need to. She needs to miss me a bit, you know?

[loveisallaround]

Thanks for the advice guys - it's reassuring to see other people are going through the same thing.

 

I got so upset at the end of our last conversation that I decided I'd had enough. Why should I cry and get hysterical every time I talk to him, when I can simply retreat for a while? I totally understand your analysis of the "life goes on" remark. I think that's what he's thinking too. He says I'll eventually get over this. Well, sure I will! But it's going to hurt like hell first!

 

I think retreating and cold turkey seems to be the best bet. The friendship loss seems to be the worst of it all.

 

I think this T-Shirt wisdom of "Life goes on", "You're so strong", etc etc can actually be proof of how much our exes care about us. No human being can get over somebody that fast (even if you are good at distancing yourself - something I've actually grown acustomed to) and to say such things, me thinks, is just a way to try to make the situation easier for them.

 

I think you should limit the contact as well. Even though I don't want to, as she is my good friend, I feel I need to. She needs to miss me a bit, you know?

 

I fully agree. As said, losing the friendship is the hardest f*cking thing to let go of.

 

Perhaps theres a bit of hope in the "diving in too fast" scenarios. If you're right for eachother, maybe after finding yourself individually again - things can get back in the swing. But I don't like getting hope in my eyes too much.

 

I have to return his stuff next week - well not have to - but I should, just to get it out of sight, out of mind. Not sure if I should say a few things for closure's sake or if I should just drop them off and run.

[loveisallaround]

Of course his birthday is next Saturday - should I keep NC up or should I send him a card, an electronic greeting? Arg.

[Fallen_Angel]

I don't get this...seems like spring & upcoming birthdays have prompted TOO many people into breaking off relationships!! Ok, that was a random rant.

 

As far as the exchange of things, I say do it fast, and say little. No need to belabor the point, right?

 

The other night I found a generic birthday card. Normally I would get one laden with sexual innuendos and write a really cute note in it, but alas, not anymore. It's one of those "trying hard to be funny" supermarket-variety cards. I thought about writing him a letter and including it, but I know I shouldn't do it. I'd be better off writing letters in my journal, because at least this way he'll never see them. I don't want to come off as clingy or desperate, and I don't want to come off as angry - not that I'm angry at him per se, just the way he makes me feel. So at most I might write a little blurb and end it with "I miss you."

 

Damn it, I wish my birthday was first!!

 

Anyhow, for some reason I couldn't imagine myself NOT sending him a card. So if it feels right to you, I say go for it. After all, you've parted on good terms, and "friends" celebrate birthdays!

[Dreamgirl03]

I always think that that makes it even harder, ya know. My now ex and i were together almost 2 years, and we are currently still living together. Recently we have decided to go our own ways and split up for now because we are having some difficulties. But we are still living together and still do things together. For me, that is making it even harder to deal with because i know i still want to be with him, but cant. But hopefully, we will figure something out soon

[loveisallaround]

Originally posted by Fallen_Angel

I don't get this...seems like spring & upcoming birthdays have prompted TOO many people into breaking off relationships!! Ok, that was a random rant.

 

Amen to that! Talk about making things more complicated. Arg!

 

Thanks for the advice FA - I'll probably do what you did and include it with his stuff when I drop it off towards the end of next week. Good plan!

[loveisallaround]

Well the week has approached: The dreaded giving his stuff back day.

 

I got a really generic card for his birthday (props to FallenAngel), which I'm going to give to him when I drop his stuff off.

 

He actually called today, again about the couch, and I didn't answer. At the end of the voicemail he said he hoped I was doing alright but the whole tone of the call really seemed friendly but ultimately distant with the "cool as a cucumber" mentality.

 

Part of me wants to be a big jerk when I return his stuff, the other wants to try to get him back, the other just wants a short conversation for closure and to move on.

 

Oh what do I do!?

[Fallen_Angel]

Hmmmm...I wonder if he, like my ex, is going for the "stoic" approach. (This was the exact term he used in reference to the mundane IM conversations.)

 

I do applaud you for multi-tasking...the exchange of stuff AND the birthday card! Awww yeah!

 

If I were you, I'd be as casual as possible. It is SO tempting to be mean, but I think this is what journals and friends are for. You can write nasty letters you'll never send in your journal and you can tell your friends what you think about his flaws. (So far I wrote one sad letter and I can't seem to pick out any major flaws. D'oh.)

 

If you're casual, he might just wonder why you're acting that way...leave him hanging! Let him be the one to wrestle with the questions!!! Good luck.

[loveisallaround]

Ok, well today was the big day so-to-speak and when all was said and done it wasn't half bad.

 

I called him for the first time in the week yesterday to organize for today. I opted to drop off his stuff at the office, a nice neutral place. Per your advice Fallen_Angel, I estbalished a calm/cool/casual personality on the phone. Yada, yada, yada - we set the date.

 

Today when I got to his building, he left me waiting for like twenty minutes - which in a way was good because it turned my nervousness into anger. After I got a hold of him, he came down, apologized excessively and we talked a little.

 

He wanted to know how I was, how my projects were going, how my apartment hunt was going, etc etc. I asked him the same generic stuff.

 

This time, at the end of our conversation, HE asked me how I was (re: the breakup): I said I was good, busy, and dealing as well as I could with a breakup with basically no closure on my end. He asked if he could help, I said of course, but not today, as I didn't have that much time to talk. He also asked me if he wanted to hang out - I said give me a few more weeks to decide anything.

 

I saved the card for last before I took off, he seemed surprised/happy to get it. He apoligized again and I scurried out of there. On my way back he called my voicemail (my phone was on silent) and said "Thank you very much for the card, it wwas really sweet and I appreciate it. Call me sometime."

 

Now I finally feel like I can breathe. I don't know what the future holds - but all is said and done. I can finally rest, heal and get my fire back. Thank the Gods I have a gazillion things to keep me busy. I'm still undecided about the friendship thing but I do know I'm gonna do a few weeks of NC and concentrate on myself.