Auz Posted April 8, 2005 Posted April 8, 2005 Hi guys, just want some feedback on this break. Its nothing overly complicated, but there is a dilema. Im 27 and my gf is 20. Weve been together about 1.5 years. Yes, the age difference is rather large - but its something we spoke about and neither of us had a problem with it, and luckily neither did our friends/family. We get on like a house on fire - talk for hours, always talked our way through any problems we had - never argued in that time - if there was ever the potential for it we would work our way through it - communication was never an issue. We have the same values and ethics, were very open about our feelings to each other and everything was going A-OK. She is sincere, has never lied and cares for me alot. Now, she went overseas for 2.5 months recently and we kept in close contact..spoke 2 or 3 times per week, smses back and forth, I got like 5 postcards in that time - each time saying I miss you like crazy etc. When she came back she was also moving in to an apartment near her university. A week after her return, she tells me that she would like some time off, as 'something doesnt feel the same' and she needs to be 100% about us - she doesnt want to hurt me more by leading me on now if she isnt sure about her feelings - which i can appreciate. It came to me as a big shock, and she is very upset about how badly I took it. I guess she had time to think about it, and so is used to the idea so it didnt affect her as much. We have talked about it a few times, and basically I believe that she does like me alot, but she wants to feel independant for a bit - which I understand and I want her to as well, and while we went out I gave her plenty of room to do things with her own friends to help with this. She wants us to stay friends, but obviously thats very hard for me to do - dropping from bf to friend, especially as I believe that we do have a future together. The problem? If she has me as a close friend, then she wont be really independant of me will she? And she may get used to the benefits of having me to talk to without any of the obligations, correct? A close friend of hers suggested I give her plenty of room, but still stay available as a friend. Normally everyone here would suggest NC, as would I. However we are both involved in 2 community groups whose social circles are very close and so we cant avoid seeing and interacting with each other at least 2 times a week, and sometimes up to 4! It would mean one of us giving up alot of our close friends, which I dont believe is fair on either of us, as I believe she is doing this break for the right reasons. So whats a guy to do? We are on really good terms, and there is no negativity between us - which makes it even more frustrating - it would be so much easier if i could complain about her cheating or something. Any ideas or suggestions? This independant phase could last a few months or a few years , so..... Auz
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 8, 2005 Posted April 8, 2005 You could always do an emotional 'no contact'. Be her friend, like she asked - but only be her friend. Do not go out of your way for her any more than you would for any other friend. If she needs you to do something and you happen to be busy, stay busy until you are finished with what you are doing. Don't prioritize what she needs done over what you need done. If she does anything that is not platonic: hand holding, 'close' hugging, flirting, romantic gestures, kissing, cuddling, any of that stuff - then gently remind her that you two are 'friends' and 'friends' don't do that. If she pouts, or gets insistent - then leave and explain that asking for distance includes distance from 'girlfriend benefits'. Don't do anything with her that you wouldn't do with a guy friend. She wanted distance, so that is what you give her. If she wants the girlfriend stuff, then she can have that as your girlfriend. Under no circumstance is she allowed to have that otherwise. She is your friend now. Do you call your guy friends every day? Do you go out of your way to never, ever miss a call from a guy friend? Don't call her every day. If she calls, then answer but don't wait around for her call. If you miss a call, you can do like you would any other friend and call her back later. No talking about the relationship. You and your guy buddies don't sit around and analyze the 'nature of your friendship' and wonder about whether or not it will ever be 'more', so don't do it with her. Force yourself not to talk about it, and if she tries to - change the subject. If she continues, make an excuse to leave. Until she is ready to be your girlfriend again - she isn't allowed to emotionally manipulate you in the name of "friendship" to secure your place on a hopeful back burner. She can talk to you about it when she's not so 'confused' or 'needs space'. No dating. None, nada. If she wants to go out, then go out with her like you would any other friend. Meet in separate vehicles if possible, and she pays her own way in whatever you are doing. No physical contact outside platonic stuff. Be firm on this. She wanted space and distance, but she still wants you around. This way - you can give her the space she wants and still enjoy her company, and she won't be able to benefit from it in any way except as as "friend". Date other women often. It doesn't have to be romantic - make it 'light' dates - you can go out for coffee or to a movie, and treat the girl like you are on a date. You may not be 'feeling it' right now, but its important to go out and do stuff with other females. Your guy friends don't keep you from dating, and neither should your new girl "friend". If you keep it up, and keep it up with an iron will - I expect before long you'll see how sincere she was about being "friends", for good or for bad. But, she wanted this... Hopefully with this enforced emotional distance you will be able to start protecting your heart and putting it back together. Maybe she'll also be compelled to be less wishy-washy, as well.
Author Auz Posted April 8, 2005 Author Posted April 8, 2005 Sounds like what I am trying to do - man it drives me crazy when she is around though, but I guess I gotta stick with it. But its hard being so close to someone you are crazy about, and not being able to do anything about it. For the first time in my life I actually got stressed, I mean I never ever stress over things. Yet here i am, being asked to put my feelings in a box, and put it in the attic - its like being asked to cut off your own foot. I guess Im scared if I do this, that there is a chance she'll realise she can get by without me..which will kill me...but you can't force someone to love you can you. No matter how much you try or pray. But for now, I have hope...and all I can do is be myself, and hope that its enough Auz If anyone has further comments, feel free to add - too much advice is never enough
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