Big problems because of lying

[nordanvind]

Hi everyone.

 

I'm having a big problem here and I don't know what to do to make my relationship work again. The problem here is that I've been lying to my girlfriend about sexual fantasies that I've been having. We've been together for several years and over the years she's asked me many times if I've had sexual fantasies about anyone else than her. I've always answered no but deep down I've had the occasional fantasy. Then a couple of weeks back she was asking me again and I confessed everything, but now she's feeling awful because I lied to her to begin with. The reason I lied about this is that I felt guilty and ashamed, knew that my girlfriend would be incredibly hurt if I told her and decided to not take that conflict.

 

The second problem is also that she's now feeling awful not only about that I've lied but also about the fact that I have had sexual fantasies about other women. I would never be cheating or anything like that and I've always been 100% faithful and respectful to her. I gave up porn a few years back because she was asking me to and haven't watched any since. I barely even speak to other women and I never ever flirt. She thinks that by me having these fantasies there's a big risk that I'll be cheating on her. This is absolutely not true since I would never do such a thing.

 

She says that she cannot trust me now and that she feels as if she doesn't know me anymore. She also thinks that I'm no better than any other guy anymore. I'm feeling very sorry and guilty here. I've asked her what I can do to make things better but she doesn't know. I've told her that I won't lie about anything like this anymore either. She's telling me that she might not be able to take the pain and might want to break up with me soon, but this is something that I don't ever want to happen because I love her with all my heart.

 

What can I do to make things better? Is there anything I can say, any actions to do to make her see that I won't lie anymore?

[very-confused-girl]

I personally think that your girlfriend is overreacting a big time. You have never done anything bad to her that would give her justified reason to feel insecure, you are treating her in a nice way, from your post I can tell you are very respectfull to her and love her so much...

 

Dont get me wrong but I do agree that sometimes is good to go through ups and downs because people do realize how relationship can be fragile sometimes and they are appreciating them more. The thing is that your girlfriend had probably way too much easy life with you. It is not a bad thing. The thing is just that she is probably not used to be dealing with problems in a relationship, she was used to have perfect relationship and suddenly something happened, what she disliked and she suddenly cant deal with it and is willing to even go for such a solution like break up.

 

It is extremely ridiculous and frivolous of her. She should be taking the word "break-up" in her mouth unless it is necessary. In this case it is unnecessary luxury.

 

What you did - the lying and having fantasies about other woman, it is not such a big deal. People are dealing with much bigger problems and they are not leaving each other because of it.

 

In my view she is way to incesure, which is issue of her own, it has nothing to do with you, she is just trying to make you responsible for it.

 

Do you know how you recognize a strong relationship? Strong relationship is where people are very tolerant and they are not talking about break up immediately when something goes wrong. Quite the opposite. Strong relationships are classified that people are actually more forgiving than they have ever expected they would be in some particular situations.

 

My exboyfriend had a relationship with a girl for about 8 years. The girl was very emotionally non-stable. She was crying everyday. But when I say crying - she has literally salivas coming from her mouth. It was like a panic neurotic attack. One day I asked him, how could he put up with it for so long and do you know what he told me: "You know, love is strong".

 

Of course, love does NOT conquere everything, I am not saying that, but you should tell your girlfriend that if she was serious with you, she wouldnt be gambling with leaving you.

 

You havent done anything wrong. This is her issue, not yours. You can refer her to this post of mine. I hope she will get her common sense.

[de3]

whoa you did nothing wrong..your gf is too insecure.

 

you should tell her she will not find a man who DOESNT fantasize..its normal..your fine..shes wrong your right. tell her to grow up.

[LucreziaBorgia]

She is holding your responsible for her own self esteem and uses emotional blackmail to assure that you will always take the blame and the responsibility for all the problems that she herself is causing. If she didn't have insecurity issues, you wouldn't have these particular problems. Its her problem, she needs to fix it. If I were in this situation, I'd let her know that if she refuses to find a way to get help for her insecurity and self esteem issues, then the relationship cannot continue.

 

Being with someone like this is hard. If you try to provide something to someone that they should be finding in themselves, you'll find that its like trying to throw stuff down an infinite hole in an effort to fill it. Nothing you do or change will ever be good enough. The more you give, the more they will demand from you. She has the ability to stop this - and you have the ability to make sure she does.

 

Neither of you are stuck: you just have to be willing to do a few things you don't want to do in order to get the things you want from this relationship. You need to be willing to create firm boundaries and push her out until she makes her own necessary adjustments, and she needs to be willing to make the necessary adjustments. Difficult situation, and hard to pull off - but... you know what needs to be done.

[nordanvind]

Thanks for all the good advice and feedback.

 

The situation now is that my gf wants to have some time alone and not talk to me. This appears to have come out of some weird test she put me on... she would be showing me pictures of some goodlooking women and then I had to say what I honestly thought about them... so I said that I thought they look good, had nice bodies, ect. Then she told me that this was all a test because if I was completely devoted to her I would have told her that I don't even wanna look at those pictures and stood my ground even though she was forcing me. So appearently this now has made her feel so bad so she wants to have some time alone. I told her that how come she's expecting me to be honest if she's playing these games and are not being honest herself and tell me one thing but secretly hopes that I would say or do what in her mind is the "right" thing. So now she tells me that she's so hurt, she feels so ugly whenever she looks herself in the mirror... and she blames it all on me.

 

Well I feel hurt too. There's no way that I could have ever imagined that some small stupid thing that I kept for myself could be blown into this humongous thing. Because I think that I've done my best... I really love her so much. So I don't know what to do now. Since she wants no contact for the time being I'll respect her wishes. I just hope that she comes to her senses sooner or later.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sometimes people will use "no contact" as a trick. I seriously doubt that someone who would pull such a heinous and unfair trick as the one she pulled on you has the emotional maturity to understand what 'no contact' is truly about and be able to use it as a way to make the relationship stronger. Here's what will happen: she will ask for no contact, and if you respectfully follow her wishes - she'll [color=red]crucify[/color] you for it and say that "if you really loved her, you would have ignored her wishes and fought for her, begged for her" all to show how much you "love her".

 

You'll need to take the direction here. Yank the rug out from under her games and let her know that if she does not take the necessary steps to work on her severe self-esteem and insecurity issues that you will cut her cold with a firm 'no contact' request of your own. And then follow through. 'No contact' is not a trick, nor should it be used as one. You need unbiased, uninterrupted time to get your thoughts and heart together after this emotional manipulation meatgrinder she is putting you through, and she needs real 'no contact' to get herself together and make a decision to better herself and not keep laying the blame for her problems at your feet.

 

It won't be easy. She may take drastic measures to bend you to her needy will. People like this are not above using threats of suicide attempts or self-mutilation to get what they want. You'll need to stand firm through this. If you want this to work, its going to have to require a huge amount of effort on her part to make it work. She won't be motivated to do that if you allow yourself to continuously be used as her emotional tampon as an excuse to avoid facing her own problems. If you pull out - she'll be faced with the hard decisions: the decision to take responsibility for her own emotions if she expects the relationship to last.

[jmargel]

Nordan.. this is 'her' issue of insecurity. My ex did the same thing. She would edge me on asking about women. I made the mistake one night of saying this particular actress on TV was cute. Well guess what.. I was no longer allowed to watch that show. I didn't want my life being revolved around someone's insecurities. She made me feel bad, like you.

 

My wife is a totally different person. I can point some chick out & say 'Oh she's hot' and usually my wife will agree.

 

Anyway it's perfectly normal to fantasize about other women. It's ok to look at them. It's even ok to talk to them. What's not ok is to flirt or cheat with them. This insecurity in her is only going to get deeper as you two continue your relationship. I dont know how old you two are, but I believe she needs some sort of counciling.

 

Ask her 'why' this bothers her so much without her accusing you of anything. If she starts accusing you or putting you down, correct her.

[morrigan]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Being with someone like this is hard. If you try to provide something to someone that they should be finding in themselves, you'll find that its like trying to throw stuff down an infinite hole in an effort to fill it. Nothing you do or change will ever be good enough. The more you give, the more they will demand from you.

 

Exactly!

 

Until you girlfriend takes a critical look at and accepts what's really tormenting her (and it's not your sexual feelings) she's not going to stop testing you or any other guy she may become involved with. She may believe she needs a guy to slavishly adore her and focus on her entirely (and she'll still have doubts when she's on that pedestal), but no one should be obligated to do this.

 

As long as she has these issues about herself, it's going to keep reappearing over and over in any relationship she has. Her "tests" and blame are going to wear down your self esteem. Or you will just get tired of it and leave.

[Hund1976]

I think your girl is being pretty ridiculous. But I would also say that when your girl asks a question like "do you think Jennifer Lopez is hotter then me?" that is something you can lie about, just like "does this dress make me look fat?"

When girls ask stuff like that they don't want an honest answer.

Like if I asked my girlfriend "am I the best guy you've ever been with?" the answer I would prefer would be "of course, you're the best!" even if the truth were, "well you're pretty good, but this one guy did this thing with his tongue, and this other guy was hung like a horse"

Anyway if you really want to be with this girl send her some flowers and card that says something like she's the most wonderful girl in the world and no one could ever compare to her in any way. And then for any future questions your answer should always be,

I never think about anyone but you, and no supermodel or actress is as good looking as you.

That will keep you out of the doghouse.