Should I Take My Wife's Offer To Cheat? All responses are welcome.

[nysaxo]

ok, here is my dilemna. I need some opinions. I am really confused. I have been married for 3 1/2 years, although not happily lately. We have an 18 month old daughter who I love very much. I love being a father! Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for being a husband.

 

I really do love my wife, but it has been over 2 years since we had any sex. She gained weight after her pregnancy and after she gave birth and has become very insecure with her body. Now, she is too embarrased to let me see her naked. That just does not feel good to a married guy. it's a real drag being married and not being able to see your wife naked, let alone have sex with her.

 

I have tried and tried and tried to talk to her about my feelings about not having a sex life. I get absolutely nowhere. She does not want to talk about it or go for any type of counseling. I understand and respect the fact that she has become insecure with her body, but this has just drained my excitement for my marriage. However, because I love my daughter so much, I will not divorce my wife. My wife's answer is always to go out and get it. I am very tempted to take her up on her offer after these 2 years. I have been trying my best to not cheat on her, but her offer makes it easier to want to cheat and she is serious. When I ask her when she thinks we will continue our sex life, she dismisses it with "I don't know", "soon", "I am not sure if we ever will".

 

Now, there is an attractive woman in my office who has been flirting with me this past week and now I cannot stop thinking about her. I have no thoughts of ever leaving my wife, but with this "friend" of mine in the office, I feel inclined to take up my wife on her offer.

 

Now, before I ask for your opinion, let me say that I looked at this woman's finger and have noticed what looks like a pear shaped engagement ring. She has never mentioned her fiance or husband to me and I have no idea whether or not she has one.

 

My thoughts on this are that maybe she has a man in her life, but maybe she's bored. I have not gotten this close with her yet to ask and find out, but she has started flirting with me big time and I have very strong feelings to start an affair with her. Keep in mind that even though my wife told me to go out and get it, I will never tell her when or if I do.

 

What do you think I should do? All opinions are welcome.

[quankanne]

how much do you value your marriage (or marriage in general), and what do you want from your wife?

 

when she tells you to look for sex elsewhere, my thought is that she really doesn't want you to, but she's crying out for you to tell her you still find her beautiful, despite gaining weight from bearing your child (or otherwise!). That you love her, not her outer trappings. I guarantee if you make her feel unattractive in any way, she's not going to try very hard to pursue sex with someone who thinks she's gross.

 

I'm "pleasantly plump," according to my husband, even though I know I've got a serious weight problem. however, he's never ever made me feel like my weight has been an issue, even when I ask him about it point-blank. And that has gone a long way in helping me to come to terms with whatever problems we have in the bedroom ...

 

your wife feels very unattractive, and that she can probably never again be what you want her to be physically, so she acts out of pride when she tells you that you ought to find another lover. my suggestion is to seriously consider the two questions I first posed to you: what do you want from marriage, and what do you want from her. What are you willing to do to help her feel comfortable with sex again, and are you willing to stick with it even though it could get worse before it gets better?

[Fritz]

My advice? Get thee to counseling, even if its just you at first. Show her you're serious about this problem. Cheating is not the answer either. Call me a skeptic, but when a woman says to go ahead and 'cheat', I wonder whats really going on . What happens if she regrets that you went outside the marriage to get some physical attention and you get divorced? Now you're the bad guy and the court wouldn't look to highly upon your affair now would it? Ultimately, it may take a threat of divorce to wake her up and get her to deal with the problem. Doing nothing or you cheating just enables her and doesn't solve the basic problem.

 

 

Of course, maybe she is one of those mythic women who don't mind an "open marriage" because they have no interest in sex anymore... As for the gal at work.. "Don't fish off the company pier", "Don't dip your pen in company ink" etc. etc.

[nysaxo]

quankanne, i appreciate the quick response, but when I read your response, I feel that you have the impression that I am making my wife feel unattractive, and that is not the case at all. In my opinion, she is NOT fat nor is she unattractive. I have not done anything that makes her feel that way and I always tell her how attractive she really is. She tells me that her problem is due to her own low self-esteem and nothing that I have said or done has ever made her feel unattractive. I am very careful about what I tell her and what I do. I have not told my wife, as your husband has told you, that she is pleasantly plump, because I do not think that she is plump at all. Does that make sense? So, let's get off that, please, and get back to the questions at hand. To answer your question, what I want from my marriage is a great marriage in whatever I picture a great marriage to be, but it simply is not.

[nysaxo]

Originally posted by Fritz

Cheating is not the answer either. Call me a skeptic, but when a woman says to go ahead and 'cheat', I wonder whats really going on . ...Ultimately, it may take a threat of divorce to wake her up and get her to deal with the problem. Doing nothing or you cheating just enables her and doesn't solve the basic problem...

 

Of course, maybe she is one of those mythic women who don't mind an "open marriage" because they have no interest in sex anymore... As for the gal at work.. "Don't fish off the company pier", "Don't dip your pen in company ink" etc. etc.

 

thanks, Fritz, that was all good advice. Like you said, I wonder what is going on there as well. She is not too good at communication. I was thinking of the divorce threat, but that is a gamble. What if the divorce threat turns into a "ok let's get divorced"? So, I think your suggestion of the single counseling is good:)

[quankanne]

I have not done anything that makes her feel that way and I always tell her how attractive she really is

 

my apologies ... sometimes it can be so easy to hear something positive and immediately think the opposite because you've got a certain image of yourself that doesn't match with the reality of yourself, and it can spur a downward spiral of belief that no one can find you attractive because you don't feel it yourself.

 

as for her not being interested in counselling: would she be open to going on a couples' retreat or a marriage-building seminar? sometimes those can help a marriage by providing non-threatening tools for communication that allow for a healthy dialogue about issues or concerns in that relationship.

[carla]

Remember that old saying that in a fight you alway say things that you latter regret? I'm guessing that when your wife told you to have an affair she wasn't in the nicest of moods.

Mentioning weight to a wife is a very touchy subject, tread water gently, in a positive way mention helping her and encouraging her to lose weight (remember be very delicate) try joining a gym together or a gym strickly for women, or go for a daily walk every day as a family. I know you don't have time! Consider this quailty time instead of sitting in front of the TV. Make the time and before you know it, it's a routine.

I have never been overweight in other peoples eyes, but since I quit smoking

I gained 25 lbs. I have resently lost 10 lbs in a month by going to the gym regularly and watching what I eat. Now the I have a little curve back I feel more attractive and have a better sex life. (My fiancee is very greatful.) He has been very encouraging and helpful, even saying that he is on a diet to. Like he needs it the skinny little _ _.

Anyway my point is once she starts to feel better about herself, your sex life will come back. In the meantime try pampering her and romanticing her, just because you love her and not for what you may get at the end of the night.

Oh and P.S. Get that other woman totallly out of your mind.

[dude x]

Wrong answer buddy. Reminds me of my bachelor party. Fellas wanted to take me to a strip club. This was discussed early in the evening in front of her. She said she did not care. My friends discussed this openly in front of my soon to be wife of a good place to go in town. I felt weird about it and did not want to go. Later my friends really pressured me to go. My wife knew where we were going. She shows up and sits by me, I thought nothing of it and grabbed her a chair. After a few minutes she said lets go outside, I need to talk. We go in the side alley and I get the biggest backhand across the face you could imagine.

 

So I adivise you not to follow this. Maybe she has gotten stretch marks and feels sex has ultimately destroyed her body and she has a fear of pregnancy. I know thats what happened over here. We've got a little boy and she definitely associates sex with pushing in labor, and she hates those stretch marks!.

 

I don't blame her that's the closest to death a woman can get without actually going. I've always said that all the excitement of sex was a lure for having kids. I agree with the others get some help even if you go by yourself. You can get good ideas to take home.

 

But you are foolish to say you would not tell her if you went out. That is just stupid since you have her supposed permission. Tell her about the woman at work and tell her everything, like how she's hot and you think she's flirting with you.

[Ladyjane14]

Do not cheat on your wife. You will gain NOTHING from it....except to maybe give her better grounds in a divorce settlement.

 

She still doesn't understand how important this issue is to you. Here's a link to a recent discussion on the importance of sex in the marital relationship: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49416/?highlight=flavius

 

Unfortunately, after two years it's probably going to take considerable action on your part to get her to see your side of the issue.

 

Consider offering her an ultimatum at this point. I'm aware of the fact that divorce is NOT what you want, but....it's a matter of time at this rate anyway. Two people who are so mismatched in their libido will not be able to stay together indefinately. Where do you see yourself in 10 years, btw?

 

I don't recommend ultimatums to those who are unprepared to carry them out, so consider the matter very carefully, and be sure you can live with the outcome.

 

The ultimatum should NOT be based on her having sex with you at this time, but rather about getting counseling regarding it. So, it would be either get counseling or get divorced.

 

You can call your medical health insurance company to get details on your coverage for mental health services. They can also provide you with a list of preferred providers.

 

If it were me, I would call and get the appointment set up for counseling, and I'd tell her to either meet me there, or meet me in my attorney's office.

 

Think carefully. Ultimatums can go either way. But IMHO it will take drastic intervention on your part to gain her participation in the marriage.

[Moose]

I think that if you believe in your vows, and want your honor to remain intact, you'd better get this having sex with another woman out your mind and fix the problem in your marraige. Anybody can see that in your situation, something's broke. Fix it. That's what you promised her you would do in the first place. It's your job to do all you can to find out what the problem is, and deal with it.

 

Just because you've tried to talk to her until your blue in the face, you have to keep pressing on. That's what you're doing now, and I personally think you know that sleeping with another woman is going to complicate things a lot more than what you're prepared to handle.

 

Think of how much you love your daughter. Don't you think she deserves a normal family, with a normal lifestyle? What would she think in her adult years if she ever found out that daddy had to go find sex elsewhere because mom would never give it up?

 

Besides that. What you're going through is just a phase. Be patient. It's only been a year and a half since her body underwent a huge change. Think about it. She is used to the body she's had since birth, till the day your daughter was born. It's going to take a considerable amount of time for her to adjust to the changes that took place since her pregnancy.

 

If you truly love your wife and daughter, prove your honor to them.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

Do not cheat on your wife. You will gain NOTHING from it....except to maybe give her better grounds in a divorce settlement.

 

Unfortunately, after two years it's probably going to take considerable action on your part to get her to see your side of the issue.

 

Consider offering her an ultimatum at this point. I'm aware of the fact that divorce is NOT what you want, but....it's a matter of time at this rate anyway. Two people who are so mismatched in their libido will not be able to stay together indefinately. Where do you see yourself in 10 years, btw?

 

I don't recommend ultimatums to those who are unprepared to carry them out, so consider the matter very carefully, and be sure you can live with the outcome.

 

The ultimatum should NOT be based on her having sex with you at this time, but rather about getting counseling regarding it. So, it would be either get counseling or get divorced.

 

I would call and get the appointment set up for counseling, and I'd tell her to either meet me there, or meet me in my attorney's office.

 

Think carefully. Ultimatums can go either way. But IMHO it will take drastic intervention on your part to gain her participation in the marriage.

 

I agree completely with this advice. Except, that IMO, the lack of sex is merely a symptom of a bad relationship. DO NOT mention sex to her as part of the ultimatum - AT ALL. If you do, it will make it even more difficult for her to be intimate with you again. Trust me on this one. Sex is going to come up in the counseling, but its the emotional aspects of the marriage itself that need mending.

 

If after a year of so of hard work on your part, things have still not changed, get a divorce. Don't go on living your life in misery. You deserve to be happy, and your daughter deserves a Dad that is happy. There are plenty of good Dad's who are divorced.

[SoleMate]

I am truly sympathetic with what you're going through. It isn't fair or right that you should be pushed away from physical intimacy. You're suffering a lot, which is why you are considering this really poor "therapeutic cheating" idea. I know your wife suggested it, but frankly, her head must be still screwed on crooked from all the sleep deprivation and other baby craziness. Having an affair will make your marriage worse, 98% guarantee. Like dude x said, her supposed permission is not something you can take to the bank. She could easily go back on it any time - and you would not have a leg to stand on.

 

There is also a serious chance of falling deeply in love with a woman you have an affair with. If she meets your sexual needs, and is attractive, also gives you affection, admiration, conversation and closeness, you'll fall for her. Then, since you have decided against divorce, you will not be able to be with your OW. You'll have close ties to two women, and not be able to treat either one of them right, and not be able to make either one of them happy. I am afraid that being close to two unhappy women who blame you for their unhappiness will increase your suffering.

 

BUT...this situation CANNOT continue! It is not healthy for either of you. Please cruise on over to <URL removed> where he addresses the issue of sexual problems, including sexual aversion to the husband on the part of the wife. It can and must be overcome.

 

I understand that your wife is stonewalling. You need to get VERY firm with her. Loving, committed, but firm. Like ladyjane said. E.g. "Start counseling by the 15th of this month, or I am moving out of the house as a way to let you know how big of a crisis I consider this to be. I am very committed to you and to this marriage and family, but I am at the end of my rope on the sex issue. I can't go without sex, and I am horrified that you would suggest I go outside our marriage, when all I really want is to be close and intimate with you."

 

Also, please consider the possibility of postpartum depression. I think it takes a depressed woman to tell her husband to go and cheat on her. Your wife should get a thorough medical and psychological evaluation to understand whether she is depressed, whether her mood can be improved, and whether her sex drive can be brought back to life, possibly with hormones. It's true that sex does go down drastically hen the baby shows up, but it shouldn't go away for ever. That's not a marriage.

 

Last question: It isn't clear from your posts how your wife feels about the marriage. Does she still love you and feel committed to you? Does she show any interest in pleasing you in any kind of way? Does she appear to care about your feelings, or about the state of the marriage? Hopefully you have at least some Yeses on this list.

[Sex Aversion]

Your wife may have a negative association of childbirth with sex, resulting in a 'sex aversion'.

 

I was in labor for 26 hours. AFterwards, I associated my genital region with blood, filth and pain. As a result, my libido was very low. ORal sex was completely off.

 

I experienced a sex aversion for about 2 years after my son was born, and didn't have sex with H for 8 months after he was born. However, my libido would overcome my aversion-but I would still feel 'dirty' afterwards.

 

If she isn't sleeping with another guy, she make have sex aversion.

[fleafly]

If you are here even asking for advice, I think you already know the answer. It sounds to me that SM hit in on the head, your wife is suffering from depression. She needs to get help with this, its a very normal thing for a woman to go through following the birth of a child. Untreated its going to contnue on this downward spiral, Im not really sure how after two years this has been missed. As far as her weight issues, HELP HER OUT!! Offer to join a gym with her, offer to go for walks with her, do whatever it takes, it will be much easier for for her if she has help and encouragement with this.

 

Whatever you do, dont come to the realization that having sex with someone else is going to solve this!!Its obvious that you love your wife, if you think that being with someone is going to solve your problems, I'll send you an ounce of the pain that Im feeling right now, and you can give it to your wife, BELIEVE ME, its the LAST thing she needs at this point.

[whichwayisup]

You seem like an honest guy, and personally I think that if you did have an affair you wouldn't be able to live with yourself afterwards.

 

DO NOT bail out on your wife...Sure, she's telling you to go sleep with somebody else, but let me tell you - SHE DOES NOT MEAN THAT...It's a total defense thing with her right now...She knows you're unhappy and wants you to be happy...But it will ruin everything.

 

I bet it is hard on you both.

 

My suggestion is therapy. She needs someone to talk to - to build herself up again, feel good about herself again.

Couples therapy to work on things together too. That way she is getting a double dose of therapy and knowing she will feel better - you being with her in couples therapy will prove to her you're not giving up.

 

This is about her, not you. Until she decides she wants to feel better about herself there is nothing you can do except love her, be there for her and your daughter.

 

Forget sex...Yes I'm sure that is difficult - so take matters into your own hands (you know what I mean) and just know eventually when she is feeling better the sex life will happen again between the two of you.

 

Good luck!

[crisp]

I am not married, but it's still a relationship, right? I KNOW sex is paramount, married or not, in a relationship.

 

The lack of intimacy is a mere symptom of a bigger problem.

 

The thing here is not about sex. Is about you being attracted to your wife. You're obviously not. The question is: "Are you willing to work on your relationship? Are you ready to rediscover what mae you fall inlove with your wife?"

 

 

You can have lots of sex with lots a women. It's not sx you're looking for, IMO, but attraction, a surrogate of a sexual relationship. So take care... IT may lose you if you pursue a relationship with another women. I know men are able to separate sex from feelings, but sometimes the line between the 2 is very blurry.

 

 

As someone said on LS, it's almost never about sex.

[StillHurtin]

I haven't read all the other replies but I know exactly how your W feels. I gained about 40lbs after I had my children and I didn't feel sexy anymore and the last thing I wanted was sex. I was usually just giving into H so he would leave me alone. We had sex about once every week or two (and he thought that was bad). My H was the one who always made me feel guilty about my weight, why would I want to have sex w/ him? Anyhow, I also told him to just go find it somewhere else so he would leave me alone. Well, several years later he did and I have never had so much pain in my life! I didn't mean it when I said it, it was out of anger, frustration and low self-esteem.

You wont gain anything having an A, it will just make matter worse.

[immoralist]

I recommend that you enjoy safe, sanctioned sex non-marital sex if that's what it takes keep your family intact, and your child with a daddy.

 

While it's morally "cleaner" to exit your marriage before boinking other women, the rational moral route is not always the best path in this complicated world of grays.

 

Your toddler needs a mommy and daddy. Your wife , for over 2 years, has represented by both word and deed that she does not want a husband--at least in a carnal sense. Given your wife's repeated green light, and I assume your wife is a competent adult, I recommend having a semi-open marriage where your carnal needs are satisfied elsewhere so that you may continue to function as a loving, doting father.

 

Contrary to what many say, often it is about sex.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Mr Spock]

Bullsh*t. I've put on (and lost ) more than 80 pounds-I sure as hell didn't feel sexy but I didn't tell my man to go out and find something else.

 

This is a serious issue which needs to be addressed. NOT by having sex with another woman (hey, don't forget lots of women would love to have sex AND a relationship with you and you only giving them one is like what your wife is doing to you)

 

You need to sit down and tell her that you're unsatisfied with the marriage, and it's in danger of dissolving unless she gets into counselling with you. May be deeper underlying issues, may be not. Either way, she sounds depressed and needs to deal with it instead of forcing you to be a saint or finally break down and break your marriage vows.

 

Get thee into counselling. I think the reality of a possible divorce will wake her up.

[uberfrau]

Sounds like a classic case of sex aversion to me. You should ask your wife about this.

 

Going thru childbirth can create sex aversion in women. ' The vagina becomes associated with pain, blood and filth. Or the idea of getting pregnant again is so scary that it stamps out the sex drive. The last thing you feel is 'sexy'-no matter what the h says.

 

I should know since i went through this. However, after some reading and time, I was able to have sex with h after about 8 months post partum. Even though for the year following that, I always felt 'dirty' after oral sex.

 

She has told you to get it somewhere else. Assuming she's serious and you do, just remember that she will not always feel unsexy-and when she's got her 'mojo' back, she may want YOU to let HER to screw some hottie at the office because after all, SHE let YOU. And you better be prepared to let her. Once a marriage becomes 'open' it is hard to close it.

[lynnered]

i don't think you should do it ,but it concerns me you seem to have someone picked out ,personally i think you should try everything you can to make it work tell her how you feel and if it don't make you happy walk away 2 years is a long time ,thats part of married life ,good luck .

[crisp]

I must say, Mr Spock: BRAVO!!! Couldn't have said it better myself.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by immoralist

I recommend that you enjoy safe, sanctioned sex non-marital sex if that's what it takes keep your family intact, and your child with a daddy.

 

While it's morally "cleaner" to exit your marriage before boinking other women, the rational moral route is not always the best path in this complicated world of grays.

 

Your toddler needs a mommy and daddy. Your wife , for over 2 years, has represented by both word and deed that she does not want a husband--at least in a carnal sense. Given your wife's repeated green light, and I assume your wife is a competent adult, I recommend having a semi-open marriage where your carnal needs are satisfied elsewhere so that you may continue to function as a loving, doting father.

 

Contrary to what many say, often it is about sex.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

You know, I could see where in some situations this would work out as the "best" path or solution. However, with today's family court system I don't think its the smartest move from a male perspective.

[immoralist]

You know, I could see where in some situations this would work out as the "best" path or solution. However, with today's family court system I don't think its the smartest move from a male perspective.

 

Fritz, that's a good point, and one not raised on this Thread. I didn't think of that.

 

Most posters take one of two positions:

 

First, the wife does not mean or truly understand or emotionally appreciate what she says when she repeatedly tells her sex starved husband to have extra-marital sex. Many assume the wife is depressed, or suffers from some clinical malady that they describe has post-partum "sex aversion." Many refuse to recognize that not all marriages fit neatly into comfortable , clean and conventional categories. Sometimes "bad" choices yield good outcomes.

 

Rather than condescend to the wife and assume she's incapable of validly consenting to her husband having extra-marital sex, many assume that the wife is , like some 5 year old or mental defective, incapable of consenting to an unorthodox arrangement, which offends their sensibilities and therefore they conclude that no "sane" wife would ever give informed consent. That wife-invalidating criticism says much more about the "extra-marital sex" averse critics than it does about the wife. She just might mean what she says , and says what she means.

 

Second, many assume that extra-marital sex here will lead inevitably to separation and divorce. Is that a risk? Of course. But what's also a risk is one spouse going without marital sex for 2 years, with no prospect of marital sex in sight. At some point, this man will have had enough--beautiful daughter or not. Then, he'll either cheat or simply pack-up his bags and exit the marriage.

 

Assuming no counseling (which I believe often is over-rated and not the panacea many claim) or medical intervention, the least worse choice is for the sexually deprived husband, with his wife's informed consent, enjoying safe sex outside of marriage. By doing so, I'll believe he''ll remain a father to his little girl far longer than otherwise. Extra-marital sex just might prolong this family's life. Only time will tell.

 

Go for it.

[tokyo]

If I was the initial poster than I would listen to the ladies, because women are complicated and often don´t say what they mean. Sometimes they say the opposite and expect the man to know what she secretly wants. Is this immature? Sure. Do you want really big trouble? Then do exactly as she says.

 

There was so much advice coming from women trying to explain this woman´s psyche and I doubt that most of them did not understand that the existence of matrimonies that are a bit different than others is possible. I guess, most of them just didn´t mention it, because it is very likely that this is not one of them. I don´t see any harm in trying the suggested ideas and if they don´t give any results, there´s still the lady at work, she´s not going to run away.