Foolish act or personality trait?

[upsetnhurt]

Really need people's advice here. The Ex-boyfriend who had previously dated my recent ex girlfriend would not stop stalking us throughout our one year relationship. They had dated for four years. Outside of some screaming and showing up and sitting outside her house, the majority of his abuse was directed to myself. He found out where I lived and had the audacity to glue my door locks shut twice, pour paint thinner all over my car and show up and bang on the doors of my home at the wee hours of the morning. This all occured while she was at home with me. I did get the police involved but never pursued it as I always got the sense that she would not be able to handle taking that step against him. Her comments to me were that she takes blame for the person he has become as he was a model citizen prior to their breakup. I certainly did not know this guy prior to my relationship with her yet I do not see how someone "normal" can go to these lengths to win someone back. Is it possible that this guy is really a "nice guy" who just went a bit overboard or are these characteristics of him that would have eventually come out one way or another? To my dismay, my girlfriend and I eventually broke up as she determined that she was "emotionally unavailable" to me at the moment. It will not surprise me at the least if she is now back with the ex. I just can't understand how someone would go back to a person who has handled himself in that manner. I thought when people break up as she dumped him, his additional pressure would simply push her farther away, not closer to him. What happened to the saying that NC is the best for the situation? Is she worth waiting for?

[Weird]

Wow, that is *****ed up. How old is that guy to do such childish things?

 

I doubt he was the perfect citizen/role model before and then bam, totally changed after they broke up. That sounds like an excuse by your ex.

[JoL]

Oh dear..

 

I would say that this guy was NEVVERRRR the model of perfect behaviour his breakup with your ex. I dont care what anyone says- NOBODY just becomes a psycho overnight because of one relationship. That trait has to be in them to begin with.

 

I guarantee that he had disturbed, obsessive, abusive, controlling or insecure personality traits way before they broke up.

It sounds to me like this guy is a control freak, perhaps with a serious mental condition (im being serious). Your ex-gf sounds like she has been manipulated by this guy for many years- he broke you two up didnt he? which is what he set out to do.

 

I honestly believe if your ex is back with this guy then she is being emotionally abused/controlled. A normal healthy person DOES NOT do the things you said..and a WELL ADJUSTED girl doesnt go back to a psycho like that!

 

your ex-gf blaming herself for his behaviour is exhibiting classic abuse victim characteristics- shes OWNING his problem when it's HIS problem. He chooses to react like a psycho..she didnt FORCE him to. she didnt MAKE him crazy..he probably did similar things when they were together.

 

I would say if this girl has returned to this psycho, then you should stay far away from him and her..a healthy well adjusted person would not return to a situation like this. It seems like she probably has self esteem issues IF she has..id say she needs some help to realise this guy is BAD NEWS.

[midori]

You know, I think you've got the answers you're looking for right here.

 

Originally posted by upsetnhurt

This all occured while she was at home with me.

 

You were the secondary target, but it was all really about getting her attention.

 

To my dismay, my girlfriend and I eventually broke up as she determined that she was "emotionally unavailable" to me at the moment. It will not surprise me at the least if she is now back with the ex.

 

Yeah, not surprising. First of all, how do you feel about the "emotionally unavailable" thing? Does it make sense to you? Did it feel to you like she was emotionally unavailable?

 

The point I'm getting at is that when someone initiates a break-up, but can't really articulate what was wrong with the relationship, it leaves the other person, at a minimum, scratching their heads.

 

And you seem to feel that the ex was the reason that she broke up with you, in other words that your relationship with her was destroyed by outside forces. But that's not really the case, is it? She is the one who decided to end the relationship with you. She is also the one who refused to make her ex stop: she could have. She could have gone to the police. I suspect what prevented her from shutting him down is that a part of her knew exactly why he was doing what he was doing, and knew that she had not dealt with him fairly. Her ex, despite his appalling antics, did not put a gun to her head and force her to break up with you.

 

I just can't understand how someone would go back to a person who has handled himself in that manner. I thought when people break up as she dumped him, his additional pressure would simply push her farther away, not closer to him. What happened to the saying that NC is the best for the situation? Is she worth waiting for?

 

How likely is it that she broke up with her ex by giving him a similarly vague excuse like she did to you -- or one that implied that her need to break up with him was due to outside forces beyond her control?

 

None of this excuses his behavior. But they were together for four years and a normal, sane person would typically invest themselves heavily in a relationship of that duration. To have it terminated for, as far as he was concerned, "no good reason" might conceivably drive him to lengths he normally wouldn't consider.

 

How soon did she get into a relationship with you after ending things with her ex? Is it possible that even an unbiased observer (which of course the ex is not) might conclude that getting together with you was an exit strategy from her previous relationship?

 

I'm not trying to suggest that your relationship with her was premised solely on her need to get out of her prior relationship. BUT, everything you've said about the way she dealt with her ex's behavior, and the way she ended things with you, suggests to me that she's not prone to dealing with people in an honest, straightforward fashion.

 

Is she worth waiting for? I'd say, unless you enjoy pointless melodrama whose root is most likely emotional immaturity on the part of your now ex-girlfriend, that she's not worth the wait.

 

Maybe I've read your situation wrong, but it reminds me of another discussion about inexplicable breakups, here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54631/

 

Good luck. This type of thing can really hurt, but if you can get a handle on whose problems are really the source of the mess (and I'm betting it's your ex-girlfriend's problems; at any rate, not yours), you'll be on your way to putting it all behind you. Be glad you escaped!

[upsetnhurt]

Thanks for the advice. I know now that I am not going crazy here then! I am heartbroken though. I put up with a lot of crap as I really do care for her yet also know that unless she was willing to completely move on from that guy, we had no chance. Everytime we would progress in our relationship either the phone would ring or he would show up an cause trouble. It would not be so bad if it was not for all the guilt and possible "love" she felt for him. If you can believe it he is 37 years old, a bit older than both she and I who are 30 and 28 respectively.

I have had NC with her for about a month now and am having difficulty with it. I know deep down that the only way I would entertain

[upsetnhurt]

Midori,

 

All your points were right on. I presume the guy did feel that I stole his girl away from him without him having the chance to rectify their problems (which I believe were lack of communication and dishonesty on his part about being married before). Either way you are very much correct in that I only blame she and I for our relationship end. If two people want to make it work with one another then they will do everything possible to remain focused on that objective. I know what I need to do which is continue my side of the NC, yet every now and then the hurt tries to argue with my sensible side.

[upsetnhurt]

Anyone else's input would be much appreciated.

[midori]

Originally posted by upsetnhurt

Midori,

 

All your points were right on. I presume the guy did feel that I stole his girl away from him without him having the chance to rectify their problems (which I believe were lack of communication and dishonesty on his part about being married before).

 

First of all, remember that what she said to you about the reasons for their break-up come from a) only her perspective -- you don't know what his side of the story is, and b) her need to justify her decision so that she looks, to herself and others (you in particular) like a reasonable, intelligent, responsible person. So bearing that in mind, one of the two causes she mentioned to you, lack of communication, is something that she chose to resolve by terminating the relationship.

 

Now, maybe she'd been trying and trying to improve their communication. And it certainly does sound like her ex did at least one thing that made their relationship difficult (the dishonesty about his previous marriage that you mentioned). It would be ridiculous for me to dispute that there real problems in the first relationship. But look at how she behaved in her relationship with you. Sounds to me like there were communication problems there, too. And she just bailed on them, and you. So consider the likelihood that she did the same with her ex -- that her answer to solving the communication problems was to end the relationship and jump into another one.

 

Not to lose sight of the fact that her ex was way out of line in what he did -- he totally was. But why didn't she stop it? For that matter, why didn't you stop it? I know that if my boyfriend's ex started harassing me, I would insist that he put a stop to it immediately -- or I would break up with him. If she damaged my property, and he defended her, even only if by asking me to not file a report with the police, I would strongly consider breaking up with him. At a minimum a serious conversation would be necessary. Why? Because his passivity about her behavior would indicate to me that he feels an obligation to her, that he tolerates her outrageous behavior because he feels guilty about how he handled things with her.

 

There are a couple of different problems with your scenario:

1. Your ex was putting her ex's needs/her guilt about him before her sense of duty to protect and respect you. You don't subject someone you respect and care about to abuse that's really directed at you, and which you have the power to stop (if by no other means than through calling the police).

2. Your ex clearly had unresolved feelings for her ex.

3. Sounds like your ex didn't handle herself very well in her relationship with her ex, because apparently she broke up with him in a way that caused problems #1 & 2. If she didn't handle herself well in the relationship that immediately preceded getting together with you, what should you have expected for yourself -- and as you discovered, she didn't handle herself well with you.

 

You fell into her trap (not deliberate, I'm sure) of thinking that the problems between you and her were rooted in her ex's behavior. Your problems with her were problems that lay within her ,and your reluctance or inability to recognize those problems. If you had responded immediately to harassing behavior of any kind from her ex, you might not have ended up feeling so confused about the break-up, because you probably would have initiated it yourself. You might also have considered that getting involved with someone who just got out of a serious relationship is something to approach with caution. If you'd been alert for signs that she hadn't dealt with her issues from the previous relationship, you could have recognized them as they occurred. There's a reason that conventional wisdom advises against getting into rebound relationships

 

Either way you are very much correct in that I only blame she and I for our relationship end. If two people want to make it work with one another then they will do everything possible to remain focused on that objective. I know what I need to do which is continue my side of the NC, yet every now and then the hurt tries to argue with my sensible side.

 

Like I've said, she kind of set you up to think that your relationship was destroyed by outside forces. It wasn't; it was ruined by her. Continuing to not communicate with her is definitely the way to go. I know it hurts, I've been there, but as every day of no contact passes, you'll think of her just a little less often (even if it's imperceptible), and the hurt will lessen.

 

It wasn't about you. It was about her messed-up way of conducting relationships.

[haywood]

it's tough. you thought you had something with this girl and bam. she's out the door. you did what you could do. but it's her loss for not seeing you for you. you know what you have to do now. just try to better yourself so if she tries to communicate with you, she'd realize that she's missed out and who knows. think positive. not compulsive. good luck

[imokurnot]

Very impressive Midori, really. My ex of 7 yrs left me for another guy and i kind of went a little nutty too. Not to the extreme this other guyu did but I would call her, not at his house or anything but more than i should have been and against her wishes initially. The thing is she would have said the same things about me that she did about her ex and their relationship. I guarantee it. I was a pretty good boyfriend but after 7 yrs I got lazy and complacent. My ex is 31 and the new boyfriend 28 and myself, I am 39. So the ages were close to what this poster said as well. It is eerily similar except for the physical damage to lockls and cars. I am a model citizen though and it did make me a little fuzzy for a couple months. I got no explanantion and she was gone and into the next relationship (having started it while still involved in oours). So it can make a person a little nutty I am sure, it almost did me.

 

My ex is now telling me she is dissapointed etc. in the new guy. It shows her level of maturity and I assume the same in the posters relationship. I would never get involved with someone coming directly out of a long term relationship, I know that now for sure. That's one of the things I thnkfully learned without actually having to experience it myself. So something positive has come out of this whole mess

[upsetnhurt]

imokurnot,

 

Appreciate the reply in this forum. I realize it must have been hard on you. I respect that you stopped short of the physical abuse. Was your disappointment directed to your ex or to her new fling? Why did you stop short of the physical abuse like the glued locks and car violence? Now that your ex is telling you her relationship is not so great, would you ever consider dating her again if in fact she insinuated such?

[BIG RED MACHINE]

I just read your forum after you replied to mine, and I do see the similarities with your case and mine, although mine have not gotten to that level yet and I have to wonder how much worse it is going to get. I read what Jol said about your ex owning her ex boyfriends problems, I see the same thing in my gf. I honestly think you are better off without her bud, not to be rude or disrespectful but having problems like that with her ex being crazy like that can certainly lead to other problems.

[upsetnhurt]

Thanks for your input BigRed. I agree that the potential for things to get worse were more of a reality than not. That is why I wanted you to see that in the end the chances of you being the one heartbroken are real. Be careful and make sure to communicate to her your feelings as that might have been the one area I was lax on and hoped that my easy-going attitude would win her over. It did not.

[Mary3]

The real subject that seemed to have been overlooked here is that your gf was possibly abused by this man during the entire relationship and being an abused victim she could have felt a form of paralysis in dealing with someone who may have psychologically abused her and she truly feared him.

 

He may not have been abusive until towards the end. But if any threats were made upon her then her inaction or ability to react to his tirades could well explain at least part of this behavior. The other factor is that she tolerated it out of a sense of guilt for what happened to him as a result of the break up.

 

I would give some consideration for her inaction to the fact that she was purely afraid of him. This of course does not excuse her from trying to do more to prevent everything else that happened once he started vandalizing the locks and your car.