Am I overreacting?

[KissMyTiara]

Help me through this. I can't believe how dumb I was earlier to post about potentially revealing my feelings to MM. What a complete fool I am and have been.

 

Background: During the usual N/C times (when you can't really expect to hear from a MM - evenings and weekends), my MM will occasionally call me when he's out and about, with colleagues at a bar, running errands, going to the gym, popping in to the office, etc.

 

Tonight, twice, he called during those times.

 

The first he was on his way home from a strip club. Ok, ok, let me preface this by saying he is an atty and he WAS there on a business issue. But it still makes W upset (and I'm not too thrilled with it either), so on his way home he was "airing out." His car was so loud from having the windows down that I could barely hear him, so I asked him to put them up. He said no, that he needed to "air out" because he didn't want to rub where he'd been in her face. I told him, "well, you're rubbing it in my face by outright telling me, aren't you? Why rub it in my face but yet protect her feelings? Why do you protect everyone else in the world but let me in on all the bad stuff so that I feel bad?" His response? "Hunny, when can I wake you up in the morning??" (He wakes me up via phone sometimes, and I really like that, so this was his pathetic excuse to change the subject.)

 

A couple hours later he calls again, saying he had to go pick something up. I ask, jokingly, is it Del Taco? (He's a Del Taco FREAK) He says no, that he was going to pick W up a piece of chocolate cake. Are you kidding me?!?! Does he have to rub this sweet gesture in my face?! I call him on this one too, saying THIS is what pisses me off, THIS is why I get upset...because everyone else in the world, his family (like brothers and cousins and parents, not just kids) and his friends, W, they alllllll get protected, the truth that would hurt them is hidden from them...but me? NO, just lay the F-ing truth right out there in front of me, knowing that it's going to hurt. His response? "We'll talk tomorrow."

 

I hung up on him, only to call him right back (of course he didn't answer) and leave him a nasty message - something to the effect of "If you don't start protecting MY feelings, then don't call me ever again...what are you gonna do next, go to the bathroom next time you F her to let me know?!?!"

 

I think he thinks that honesty with me is the best policy. But I have told him 10000000x that I need him to protect my feelings, my heart, and to not do/say things to me that will hurt. When he does/says something that hurts, he always says "well, duh, that's not my intention," but I still get soooo frustrated because his intention should be to NOT hurt me and therefore be doing everything to NOT hurt me, such as CENSORING himself...right?!?!

 

Am I overreacting?

[indigo_moon]

You're not overreacting, he's being rude and rubbing these things in your face very obviously - but it doesn't seem to be stupid "slip-ups" - he's obviously not a stupid guy, it seems he's going this intentionally....but why? Does he get a kick out of it? Does it make him feel all powerful to know he's pushing your buttons and pulling things over on his wife? He sounds like a world class pr*ck.

 

Must you put up with this kind of disrespect? Can you not just muster up enough respect for yourself as a human being and as a woman and cut the ties to this Don Juan? If you continue to have contact with him, you're sending him a message that you're a dumb broad who's all talk and no action, who's so desperate for him that you're willing to let him sh*t all over you and you'll just take it.

 

I've never had an affair, have never been in an affair, but I'm trying to put myself in a similar situation as you..............say the situation was that I was seeing a man who had a bitch of an ex wife and he had to "apparently" kiss her arse because she'd make things difficult for him in terms of his children....that's about as close of a scenario as I can come up with....................so in that case, if the guy was flaunting in my face that he was kissing his ex's arse under the guise of keeping the peace, I'd tell him to go f*ck his hat and I would be so infuriated and disgusted that I would do all I humanly could to completey and totally cut off ALL contact with him..........reminding myself that I deserved better...........even if it meant writing it on a zillion post-it notes and sticking it all over my house...................You've got to do this, too. He's probably a smug, slick f*cker who thinks he's the cat's arse all because he's playing you and his wife and getting away with it. Is this the kind of existence you want, to be treated like garbage and have hurtful things thrown in your face??

[Barby]

He says no, that he was going to pick W up a piece of chocolate cake. Are you kidding me?!?! Does he have to rub this sweet gesture in my face?! I call him on this one too, saying THIS is what pisses me off, THIS is why I get upset...because everyone else in the world, his family (like brothers and cousins and parents, not just kids) and his friends, W, they alllllll get protected, the truth that would hurt them is hidden from them...but me? NO

 

Well he knows you KNOW they are his family and obligation, you are merely his lover! Not to be mean but obviously he probably thinks it doesn't bother you too much because you are with him while he is still caring for them!

 

It isn't nice but why would you want him to lie to you?

[KissMyTiara]

Thank you for that. I needed to hear that I wasn't overreacting, that I have a RIGHT to be upset.

 

I really don't think he's intentionally rubbing anything in my face. He's just not mindful of my feelings, which speaks volumes. But then again, he's the type who says something to get a reaction or for some other purpose, so maybe it really was intentional???

 

This is the ONLY thing he does that upsets me, but to me, it's just SO HUGE. Strangely, it's only been very recently that he's been doing this.

 

My God, for the first time in months, I literally have to go because I am crying too hard to even see the screen...

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Barby

 

It isn't nice but why would you want him to lie to you?

 

 

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I don't want a LIE, I just don't need to know. TMI.

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by Barby

Well he knows you KNOW they are his family and obligation, you are merely his lover! Not to be mean but obviously he probably thinks it doesn't bother you too much because you are with him while he is still caring for them!

 

It isn't nice but why would you want him to lie to you?

 

I don't think she's wishing he'd lie to her but more along the lines of withholding information from her that's going to hurt her, that she really doesn't "need" to know. Does she need to know he's been out at the strippers and trying to hide it from his wife but pays no mind to what she might feel? Does she really need to know he's running out to get his wife a piece of cake? No. He's being a thoughtless pr*ck...but then doesn't that go hand in hand with a man who would cheat on his wife?

[Barby]

[color=blue]He's being a thoughtless pr*ck...[color=red]but then doesn't that go hand in hand with a man who would cheat on his wife[/color]?[/color]

 

EXACTLY so why be upset, u know this about him!! Sorry for your needless pain KMT

[izzybelle]

KMT -

 

*hugs* you'll get through this too. if this is a recent change for him, is there something else going on in his life that could just have made him more likely to enter that "insensitive zone" that we all enter from time to time? i don't think you overreacted....his comments were insensitive and unnecessary but i don't think intentionally hurtful. perhaps he feels he can be brutally honest with you?

 

sometimes people are just jerks and say things without thinking through what the consequences might be for those on the other end of the conversation. regardless of the fact that they were stupid comments the bottom line is he thought to call YOU and tell you what was going on. he may have been going home to his wife and out to get her a piece of cake but was thinking about you. he didn't have to call. he could have just aired the car out and continued home. perhaps he offered to go get her the cake so he could call? i'm just guessing but.... he called you. no he didn't need to give you specifics.....but he was being honest with you.

[Mustard Bomb]

I've read through most of your threads, KMT. It seems like you're going through a tough time right now.

 

Does some of this pain come from the undefined role of the mistress? It seems like you want the benefits of being his wife, which I can understand. But that's clearly not how he is defining you in his mind - in his mind you may not have the right to be jealous, nor do you deserve small husbandly white lies. But, he does seem to call you often, and provides other 'word-gifts' often.

 

You might be playing a fairly dangerous game by trying to get him to behave more as a husband to you. He wants a mistress, not a second wife. I'm just guessing, but likely he is not the sort of man who enjoys explaining himself and apologizing often.

 

Most importantly: it is my suggestion to you that your heart is telling you, clearly, that you want a more domesticated role, with all the privileges and trimmings. You do not have that with this man. You will never have that with this man. Move on.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by izzybelle

KMT -

 

*hugs* you'll get through this too. if this is a recent change for him, is there something else going on in his life that could just have made him more likely to enter that "insensitive zone" that we all enter from time to time? i don't think you overreacted....his comments were insensitive and unnecessary but i don't think intentionally hurtful. perhaps he feels he can be brutally honest with you?

 

sometimes people are just jerks and say things without thinking through what the consequences might be for those on the other end of the conversation. regardless of the fact that they were stupid comments the bottom line is he thought to call YOU and tell you what was going on. he may have been going home to his wife and out to get her a piece of cake but was thinking about you. he didn't have to call. he could have just aired the car out and continued home. perhaps he offered to go get her the cake so he could call? i'm just guessing but.... he called you. no he didn't need to give you specifics.....but he was being honest with you.

 

Izzy, as soon as I saw your *hugs* I burst into tears. I text messaged a couple girl friends the word "sad" and they each instantly called me, knowing exactly why (him). The support I get from those that care about me is amazing, and yet for some reason it just makes me cry harder. Strange how that is, eh? Be nice to me when I am upset and I will just cry harder...?

 

I just got off the phone with mom, and she too just made me feel 100x better about myself as a person. None of the people I discuss my situation with "agree" with it, but they feel for me, and that "feeling" of compassion means the world to me, so thank you - to everyone who has ever lent their shoulder, ear, or wisdom, including Sinner/Immoralist, Mr Spock, LFP, Fanou, Izzy, Bubbles...all the rest, you know who you are.

 

The support I get from people at LS - perfect strangers - oddly is one of the reasons why I was so hurt today by MM. STRANGERS have more compassion for my feelings than he exhibited today.

 

Anyway, Izzy, to answer your questions...

 

No, I can't think of anything that is going on in his life that would make him more insensitive than ususal. The scary thought for me is that maybe it's his New Year's resolution to get away from me?????...ha! That should be mine, right?! Yet I am terrified that is what he is doing - playing the role of a**h*** so that I get sick of him...you know, too much of a selfish coward to end things himself... (though, trust me, I am sooooo not ready for it to end yet, and even when it does, I pray that it's on MY terms).

 

Yes, he does feel that he can be brutally honest with me. He tells me everything. He's not an ethical lawyer or business person, to say the least, and I know alllll the juicy details of his naughtiness both in and out of the office. And obviously I know about all the lies he's had to tell to get away with being able to be with me... He DID say when I got upset over the strip club AND the cake that he didn't see a reason in lying to me... Really, I can totally see how, from his perspective, there would be no NEED to lie, because to him he probably thinks that he can tell me anything and it will have no consequence. Well, at least he thought that.

 

And he IS occasionally just a twit who speaks first and thinks second, but that's usually when he's been drinking. After the strip club, yes. Getting cake, probably not drunk. So, is that an excuse/reason?

 

My mom made the same comment you did - regardless of what he said, the truth of the matter is that he did think call ME and tell me what he was doing...he probably thought the "what he was doing" part of the conversation wasn't that big of a deal. I DO wonder if he was running out to get her cake as an excuse to be able to call me...very well could be...he's done that before (not cake, but other things). But after my nasty message, I doubt he'll admit that.

 

The comments he made today, like the totality of the circumstances, made me feel about _ that big. I felt so inconsequential in his life. So umimportant. On the very, very, very bottom of his priority list. After telling him over and over and over that I need him to protect my feelings as much as he protects everyone else's, he still managed to tell me SPECIFICS that, had he thought for a split second before speaking, he knew would hurt me: not that he was "at a bar doing business" but "at a titti bar" with the boss, not that he had to run to the store to pick up some requested items, but that he was doing to "pick her up some chocolate cake." TWO THINGS in ONE DAY that I didn't need to know about! Two things he probably does ALLLL the time, but today he decides to volunteer specifics that would hurt me!

 

WHY?!?!?!?!? WHY?!?!?!?!?

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Mustard Bomb

Does some of this pain come from the undefined role of the mistress? It seems like you want the benefits of being his wife, which I can understand. But that's clearly not how he is defining you in his mind - in his mind you may not have the right to be jealous, nor do you deserve small husbandly white lies. But, he does seem to call you often, and provides other 'word-gifts' often.

 

 

What are the benefits of being the wife that I would be wanting? Curious, if you could explain please so I can follow where you're going with this...

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by indigo_moon

 

If you continue to have contact with him, you're sending him a message that you're a dumb broad who's all talk and no action, who's so desperate for him that you're willing to let him sh*t all over you and you'll just take it.

 

 

I'm finally starting to see this. I could have told a 1000 other OW the same thing but never taken my own advice. And just now, this post, is the first time it really struck a cord with me.

 

I'm not a dumb broad.

 

I've got plenty of action.

 

I'm certainly not desperate.

 

And I'm not going to take his sh*t.

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

I'm finally starting to see this. I could have told a 1000 other OW the same thing but never taken my own advice. And just now, this post, is the first time it really struck a cord with me.

 

I'm not a dumb broad.

 

I've got plenty of action.

 

I'm certainly not desperate.

 

And I'm not going to take his sh*t.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you write somewhere that "he" is known for saying things in such a way as to elicit a reaction, a response...sometimes with hidden meanings, he doesn't just say things unless there's something deeper to what he's saying..........maybe I'm not articulating this correctly, and maybe I've got the wrong person but I could have sworn it was you. So if I AM correct, based on his blatant and CALCULATED mistreatment (by words) of you earlier, he's not dummy and he knows what he's doing.........and he knows how you'll react, and he knows how to pull your strings and upset you and hit you where it hurts. By the other things you've said, about his professional and personal ethics, he strikes me as the kind of guy who truly doesn't give a sh*t about people...only what he can get from them. He likely treats his wife like dogfood, in the same controlling, subtly abusive, manipulative manner......knowing she won't leave him..........and he pulls the same with you because he knows you're hooked. It's a real ego/power trip for him. He's not just some "dumb guy" who was saying stupid thoughtless "dumb guy things" (you know, not thinking before the words came out)...he was trying to get your goat and he did. And he probably had a smug smirk on his face while saying it..and surely after he listened to your voicemail.

 

I'm obviously known for my lack of compassion when it comes to the whole affair thing...but what bugs me even more is men who abuse and brainf*ck women..whether they're a mistress or a waitress or a wife or a saleclerk.

 

Have you ever stood up to you him and ignored him for any period of time?

[Naive]

Why is he not protecting your feelings? Because you are not his #1 priority, his FAMILY is. He is keeping it real and not keeping his real intentions from you, maybe you should open your eyes. He is not playing the victim he is just a player.

[Grinning Maniac]

Wait, wait...let me get this straight. The guy who you're currently seeing...a man who is cheating on his wife...a man who by your own admission is pretty much ethically bankrupt...has now gone and said something HURTFUL to you? Well arc-weld my anus and call me Charlie. Talk about blindsided! Who'd ever see that coming? A prick acting like....a prick.

 

Why is this surprising at all? Hurtful, of course...and that sucks. Really it does. But about as surprising as an action movie where something explodes. I've read your topics now and then, and from the way you make things sound, this guy respects absolutely nada. Did you think that you'd magically be the single organism on the planet he wouldn't wipe his shoe on? Feh. I absolutely love the romantic b.s. people put in their heads sometimes.

 

Maybe he said these things to you on purpose....maybe he just wasn't thinking. Does it really matter all that much to begin with? I'm sorry, but when you settle for being someone's booty-call, you take the good with the bad, and though there may be exceptions to the rule, I'd be willing to wager most guys screwing around on their wives (and life in general, in your case) don't have much going in the "good" category.

 

So...what is this?

 

*drumroll*

 

Survey Says: "A Big Red Flag To Get Out Of Dodge City, Bitches"

 

It's groovy that you've decided to not take his ****. Bravo. Here's hoping you aren't the type to be sweet-talked back into the sack easily. Cheers.

[april]

ewwww...you suck so bad

 

You started THREE new threads this evening crying the blues about your situation.

 

Yuck, you make me sick...the way you try to solicit sympathy on a public forum. Most single women I know (including myself) are far too smart to land up in your predicament...and even if we DID - we'd be too embarassed to to reveal it.

[Mr Spock]

Sigh.

[Grinning Maniac]

*laughs*

[Mr Spock]

And when you're done snagging your good, attractive AVAILABLE man April they'll be a somewhat dysfunctional, hot, smart, attractive, witty and independant girl to f*ck him behind your back when he gets tired of the real you.

 

Pleasant dreams.

[april]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

And when you're done snagging your good, attractive AVAILABLE man April they'll be a somewhat dysfunctional, hot, smart, attractive, witty and independant girl to f*ck him behind your back when he gets tired of the real you.

 

Pleasant dreams.

 

Oops, 'scuse me for my mainstream thinking.

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

And when you're done snagging your good, attractive AVAILABLE man April they'll be a somewhat dysfunctional, hot, smart, attractive, witty and independant girl to f*ck him behind your back when he gets tired of the real you,which is probably less smart and attractive than you think it is.

 

Pleasant dreams.

 

OOH! ZING! That's right. Because everybody cheats. There are only two kinds of people in the world. a**h***s and a**h***s-in-training. "Kind" people? What are you on about? They're just silly little myths like unicorns, Santa Claus, and "global heating". Cheating is completely unavoidable. Stop fighting the system, losers. Just stop fighting... The very concept of finding it unpleasant to cause unimaginable pain to a stranger or even a loved one, for the sake of an orgasm or some blindingly idiotic sense of "love" is about as futile as trying to stop a rainstorm with a sponge. You're going to do it. All of you. It'll strike like that AIDS flu I've heard about in the Enquirer. One minute, you're asking someone for the time...and the next minute, your penis is in their mouth. It happens all the time. Hell, it happened to my friend Bob last week. He claims he just blacked out and bam! He was cornholing his wife's sister. I mean, of all the rotten luck...

 

I give up. I'm doomed to the same fate as everyone else. In fact, I had better grab some rubbers and get started. I've got catching up to do.

 

ONWARD TO THE SEX SHOPPE!!!!

 

PS: I know it was supposed to be a witty thing, but it made me think. Considering that said "witty and independant woman" tends to catch feelings and get into the situation where they're balling their eyes out about some loser who probably isn't worth it...and who will statistically either reject her for the wife(what a prize she wins) or dump/cheat on her not long after leaving the wife...what exactly is "the win" to the situation? A lay? Don't get me wrong, a good **** is always a good thing, but why at such a high cost? Does it prove a woman to be a "superior lifeform" amongst the other women if some dude who's married wanted to bang them and they complied? If so...that's the biggest joke on chicks ever. This sort of comes to mind:

 

"You lose! You get...NOTHING! Good DAY, [maam]!"

[Grinning Maniac]

Good. I wasn't trying to offend. Just trying to make a point, and I'm glad that my support for the noble unicorn could bring us all together.

 

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sparklepuff the Unicorn in 2008. We Can Make A Difference.

 

 

 

PS: I was serious about the non-unicorn parts of my post, by the way.

[Mustard Bomb]

KMT:

 

I guess it seems clear to me that you would like this man to be beholden to you as he is to his wife. You're not satisfied with the situation as it is,and the demands you are making seem to be, to me, domestic demands. That is, you're not demanding more sex, gifts, and whispering, but rather that you want him to treat you, specifically *like he treats his wife.*

 

I have no moral opinion on your situation whatsoever - how could I? I'm not there. But your text clearly proclaims that you want him to treat you as he treats his wife. But it seems equally clear he does not,and will not, see you that way. Thus it seems as though you have to move on.

 

You can't change anyone else's behaviour, only your own expectations. Here, I think your expectations are painfully askew from those of your married lover.

 

I just don't think the shift from mistress to almost-wife, whether you see it as a lateral move or an upward one, is going to happen with him, not when there are young children. This causes you pain. The way to end your pain is to get rid of this man and find someone who can meet those needs.

 

p.s. what is cornholing? i googled, even.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

And when you're done snagging your good, attractive AVAILABLE man April they'll be a somewhat dysfunctional, hot, smart, attractive, witty and independant girl to f*ck him behind your back when he gets tired of the real you.

 

Pleasant dreams.

 

 

I'm so glad I wasn't around last night to see what precipitated this response.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

I'm not a dumb broad.

 

I've got plenty of action.

 

I'm certainly not desperate.

 

And I'm not going to take his sh*t.

 

Wonderful! I'm anxiously awaiting the thread - I've ended it and I'm moving on with my life! Do it. Stop being such a pussy and do it. KMT - How many times you going to bang your head against the wall with this relationship? Your relationship sucks. He's never leaving his wife. You're never going to have a happy relationship. He's never going to be your best-friend. He's never going to take care of you. He's never going to be there when you're sick. He's never going to hold your hand when you die. Let it end.