Need advice long term relationship over

[soosad]

I’m writing this in hopes of some advice. I don't know how to handle this.

 

My story(very long bear with me)

 

Recently the love of my life broke off our engagement and decided that she didn’t want to be in our relationship anymore.

We have been together for 14 yrs. and have lived together for about 8-9 yrs. When we met I had a girlfriend and she was the other woman (I know bad start but we were both young). Eventually we were both faithfully devoted to one another we wanted to take our relationship to the next level so she moved in. I was a poor excuse for a boyfriend for the first 2-3 years although faithful she wasn't my priority my friends were but we managed to stay together through this. I finally realized how much i loved her and how badly she deserved 100% from me. We started going to family events and doing all the things a couple in love would do. We would use up all our vacation time to take 2 vacations a year we both loved traveling. Slowly but surely she was getting the upper hand in the relationship. My entire apartment was redesigned by her she picked out all

the paintings, pictures, colors, furniture, light fixtures, and appliances. It was very nice but really not that important to me. I changed my lifestyle so we can settle down together. We would hardly even fight.

 

Fast forward to the last 2 years of our relationship

One of her issues with me at that point of our relationship was not having a ring on her finger because all of our friends were engaged or married.

Another was me not doing enough of the household chores. My only issue with her was I wanted her to be more affectionate towards me outside sex the only affection she

would show me is before during and after we would have sex. I wanted to be hugged and to hold hands that sorta stuff. We both worked at these issues but couldn’t seem to do them at the same time either I was trying or she was trying

never both of us trying. We lived with it.

 

Fast forward to the last 10 months of our relationship

The pressure was on me to marry her by her, her family, my family and our friends. She would tell me what’s wrong with me that you don’t want to marry me. I didn't know. I knew I loved her with all my heart and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her but for some reason was a little afraid.

3 months later I finally I decided to get her a ring. I felt she deserved a very nice ring for waiting that long and got her the best ring that I could. When I proposed to her

I called her up at work asking if she could stop at the supermarket to throw her off of what was to come. Meanwhile at home I had flowers waiting candles lit everywhere, red wine, and I was nervously rehearsing the proposal I had written in my head. Every time I heard a noise my heart would start pounding from nervousness.

Well when she walked in I took he shopping bag from her and handed her a glass of wine she started crying instantly which made me cry. I got down on one knee after i took a large gulp of wine and proposed she said yes. We were both so happy.

The next day wedding plans were in the works she really wanted a garden wedding so we booked the place and the photographer. Both of us asked people to be our groomsmen and maids of honor. Everyone was so happy.

 

4 months later she started acting differently and was easily annoyed whenever I would try and discuss matters she would rather not talk about it. It was very hurtful I thought it could be the pressures of planning a wedding I didn’t know what else to think. It seemed as if she was slowly isolating me from her life she started spending more time with her friends and wanted more “privacy”. I didn’t have a problem with it I was so in love.

Eventually she told me that she felt differently toward me that she didn’t feel that same spark she once did. I explained that we have been together for 14 yrs and we will never feel the same as when we first met. We agreed to try and work towards rekindling our relationship. I was under the impression that things were fine but obviously not. I did everything I could possibly do to save our relationship but it seemed as if the more I did the more excuses she would have that this wasn’t right for us. We agreed to work on it some more.

2 weeks before she left

We flew out of town for a baptism. We only got into 1 stupid argument about food..lol , in our hotel room. She said she wasn’t hungry and I was so I got what I wanted to eat because she didn’t want anything and she got pissed. At the hotel she reminded me how this wasn’t working out between us and she was worried about what would happen if we would get married and have kids. Earlier that day and the next day she discussed wedding plans with my family, oddly.

 

She left me

OK when we got back she said that she doesn’t want it to work out between us. I was totally blown away. She said that even though I was doing all I could to save this relationship it was too late she has moved on. I couldn’t understand it she said didn’t have those same feelings toward me and that she had doubts before our engagement and after. I told her that it would’ve been nice to have known about the second thoughts before I purchased the ring and announced our engagement. She said that even though she had doubts she thought getting married was the right thing to do and that she wanted to get married for all the wrong reasons. She didn’t love me as she once did. I told her how much she meant to me and that we’ve been together for 14 yrs that’s a lot to throw away we can work on it. She didn’t go for it. She asked when would be a good time to move out I said immediately.

I even helped her pack up her things and helped to the car. I was crushed I changed my lifestyle to accommodate her and dedicated my life to her so she could leave me.

 

2 weeks later she says that we should go out on a date to see if there was any chance to rekindle our relationship. I told her I would but that our feelings weren’t going to change in 2 weeks we will both still be the same person. We had a perfect date we went to a romantic restaurant and it just so happens they had the wine that I proposed to her with I thought it was perfect. We were both emotional. I told her how much I loved her and that regardless of what happens between us that I will always love her and I want her to be happy whether its with me or without me.(what an ass why did I say that) She slept over and I couldn’t sleep much I thought all had went well but was so nervous.

Ultimately she tells me the next day that she still doesn’t want to be with me. She wished she felt differently but she doesn’t.

 

 

Am I stupid I just don’t get it? How does one walk away from 14yrs of commitment? Why let it get as far as booking a place and getting engaged? Why discuss wedding plans 2 weeks b4 she leaves my ass?

 

How do I deal with this her family and mine think we will be back together. My friends think we will be back together. I don’t think so. I hope and pray we will but for her to walk away from 14 years of us devoting ourselves to one another it doesn’t seem likely.

All of my friends and family are just as confused as I.

 

It seems to me that she had made up her mind about leaving me when she first started acting differently and she was only pretending to try and work it out for my sake. I believe she has met someone else or wanted to experience more before she got married since I was the only relationship she has had.

She wants us to be friends. I told her I couldn’t. I can’t look at her as a friend she was my love it would be too painful. She understood. I asked if there was any hope for us at all in the future and she said “honestly I don’t think so”. I asked if she has met someone else she said no she just wants to be alone and try to make her self happy

 

Since this has happened I haven’t been out with my friends and family. On thanksgiving I was alone by choice I didn’t feel up to spending it with my family of friends. She even wanted to spend thanksgiving with me and said her family invited me to spend it with them if I wanted I said no thank you. I’ve been so sad and depressed i can only eat once a day I hardly get hungry. I feel numb. Nothing is enjoyable for me anymore. I don’t answer my phone. I try and look at the bright side but there is no bright side. I’m hoping to crawl out of my shell for New Years only time will tell. When will this end I’ve been reading about the whole no contact thing and figure that will be best for me I’ve done all I can do. When should I start going out? I just feel like ill be the odd ball as most of my friends are married. I am dreading explaining all this to everybody. Ill have to some day only my family and closest friends know atm.

 

 

I’m sorry for the long post and realize my writing is bad I hope you can follow. I am probably leaving out lots of info but my post is long enough.

 

Thanks for reading,

Soosad

[butterfly4me]

Heh there. I am so sorry for you but I am right there with you! My b/f of four years up and left while I was at work on Thanksgiving. We had been having issues over the fact that I felt he had been taking me for granted and not holding up to his end of caring for me. Well, I feel just like you. I haven't heard from him since Thanksgiving, and I can't eat, sleep or think straight. I had to call out of work and had my dr. put me on antidepressants in hopes that I can pull myself out of this despair soon. Tell me how you're feeling, we can maybe get thru it together and help each other with coping strategies!

[moon]

I read your whole story and that was really sad.

 

What to do? She sounds confused. You don't sound like you did anything wrong. It sounds like she is apologizing to you for not feeling how she felt about you in the past. What can you do when somebody says that to you? I guess you can't control anybody else's feelings but your own.

 

I can imagine this is a very, very painful time for you!! Fourteen years with a person is a very long time. I imagine you probably met when you were very young and almost grew up together.

 

Give yourself a lot of time and space here. Don't feel like you have to run out and go out or anything like that. I'd just take time to be alone for a while and to see friends and to keep a journal and to just breath.

 

Maybe take up a new hobby or learn a new skill. That might take your mind off of your ex.

 

I would say no contact (in your case) would be necessary here. It sounds like your ex is trying to figure herself out and pressure from you might not work in your favor. Give it time. See what happens. She might change her mind. But maybe what you guys really need anyway is some space from each other.

 

Good luck with your recovery. I am sure this is going to be a very painful time for you for a while to come. Accept that. There is nothing you can truly do about those horrible and icky feelings you have right now, but ride 'em out.

Eventually it WILL get better. Remember that.

[soosad]

Thanks for the input it really helped me put things in perspective. I was also thinking about speaking to my doctor about anti-depressants but decided against it for now. Right now the only thing that has been consistant is excercising and taking walks its weird but i tend to feel a bit better after a nice walk. I've been trying to figure out what sorta hobby to pick up and cant decide atm.

 

I did however make a huge mistake by talking to my ex i was just going to tell her what time would be convenient for her to pick up her mountain bike this weekend but it turned into me asking her lots of questions as to why and how could she. We spoke for about 30 minutes and I felt much worse afterwords. She was getting frustrated by me not understanding her explainations. I really didn't want to do that but it just happened i had so many questions i needed answers to. My last contact with her will be when she picks up her bike this weekend. I am hoping that i am able to just give her bike and let her be on her way. Its really tough to open up your mail box and have most of the mail be your ex's. She did the change of address but i still get tons of mail. I also wrote her a 3 page letter that im debatiing on giving to her this weekend i know i shouldnt but I'm hoping it may increase my chances of getting back with her in the future.

 

I am really looking forward to no contact . This website is truly my safe haven. It feels really good to hear another ones perspective.

Let me know how things are going for ya Butterfly as for me im still sad but like Moon said "Eventually it WILL get better".

 

Thank you Loveshack!!

[butterfly4me]

I guess it was hard talking to her on the phone, it always seems to go back to the whys, and once they've made up their mind, well, there's not much that can be done. I don't think I would give her the letter, but that's me. Once a person feels they have the upper hand it's all over. Unfortunate but true.

I had a guy friend come over last night, and he went on and on about how he would love to be more than friends. I told him I needed time, but that sure is helping in the healing process.

I also have a date Sunday night, so I'm forcing myself to get out there. I think that's the best way. Of course you won't fall in love right away, but it's nice to be admired and appreciated by the opposite sex, especially after you've been dumped. Let me know how you're doing