on the edge- so close to cracking up

[JoL]

I've posted here a few times regarding my relationship with my bf of almost 1 year.

 

Well, it's getting to the point where i can't take anymore of his shi*. I am so overwhelmed with feelings of resentment towards him, it's a wonder i can talk to him without exploding into a fit of rage. just this morning i set my alarm, woke up and rang him to make sure he got up for work (because he asked me to, and i didnt mind doing it)..then when we were talking i told him how i should start looking for a full time job now ive finished university, and he said "**** for ****s sake, calm down, you and your big university job, ****, you make me feel like i need to go out there and get a big important job like you"....ALL i was trying to say was, i need a full time job because im tired of sitting at home on my days off from my part-time job

 

..he then told me since i have such improtant things to do that i should go...THEN he got angry and starting yelling at me because i told him "its not that improtant! i dont have to go!" and i started to get upset...he proceeded to scream, yell, hang up, tell me im "as bad as he is when he absuses me verbally when i talk down to him" i had to scream into my pillow and i honestly lost it. i put the phone down after he hung up and i CRACKED. i screamed and screamed into my pillow and just cried hysterical tears of frustration.....5 minutes after he was "satisfied i had apologised for my talking to him inappropriately" he was chirpy and bubbly and fine. i was upset at him being so condescending towards me because "you university types think you're all going to be earning 250k by the time you're 30"...i have told him time and time again, uni is not that big a deal, who cares if someone has a degree , i certainly dont..

 

ITS ALWAYS ABOUT HIM. i can never be upset or disappointed or stressed. everything is about how HE feels in a situation...i wasnt stressed about finding a "big important" job, i just wanted somethign with more regular hours.

he is CONSTANTLY putting down university study and finding reasons why people who go to uni arent that smart or successful or admirable.

 

While i was overseas he kept me on the phone for 2 hours yelling, cursing and screaming at me while i was trying to have dinner in london with my uncle. everytime i think of this situation i feel so sick to my stomach and so embarassed that i let him talk to me that way in front of my uncle.....i regret not hanging up on his sorry ass and turning my phone off for the rest of the trip. i spent countless hours crying on the phone while trying to enjoy my holiday....i should have cut him off then and there.

 

Since then (5 months ago) things have gotten ****tier, and ****ter. He resorts to name calling when he's upset and angry which is atleast once a fortnight. C*nt, b*tch etc etc...every fight we have is always started by him. ALWAYS. when im upset about something HE HAS TO get in first and start getting ****ty because IM ****ty.

 

He has the worst temper in the world and doesnt seem to WANT to control his abusive name calling.

When he tells me how he feels about something, he accusses me of constantly cutting him off and making him feel "stupid, and insignificant" at this point he will bring up the fact that just because i have a degree and he doesnt, it doesnt make me smarter than him...(i have NEVER thought that in my life, his own insecurities..). i dont try and cut him off when he is talking, i just want to defend myself, because in his mind im always TRYING to upset him and MAKE him mad. i naturally try to defend myself and tell him he has got it all wrong.

 

so now he uses my getting upset when he verbally and mentally abuses me as being the same thing as when i supposedly cut him off in conversation and allegedly talk down to him (i NEVER cut him off, i always let him finish what hes saying, i just dont always respond with begging and pleading for forgviness like he wants me to, because believe it or not, i get the ****s too, im a human being too dammit.)

 

so ive had enough. ive tolerated the abusive name calling for far too long and i feel like such a shmuck because ive let him do it to me...how do i tell him im not going to take anymore of his **** and kick him to teh curb next time he wants to get abusive? i always back down, i used to be such a strong willed person but he is crushing my spirit and sucking the life out of me. i cant do it anymore. i have told him i want to marry him and i love him, even though right now, i honestly wouldnt want a future with someone so volatile.. he will call me every name under the sun and then half an hour later tells me he loves me and acts all cute and tries to be funny.

 

is it wrong of me to carry on like nothing is bothering me at the moment, and then next time he wants to get shirty, just tell him exactly what i think of him and make a clean break?

how do i just stick to my guns and not tolerate his **** anymore? i used to be one giivng people advice, now i need it myself because i feel like im crushed inside.

[moimeme]

And you're staying with this abusive, moronic jerk because?

[change]

Break free before you get stuck.

No one deserves to live a life like that.

[JoL]

I guess i have a problem walking away.

I never realised how true it really is about people who are so down and so robbed of their strength that they simply dont have the will to fight and leave.

I feel like that sometimes.

[Merin]

Get out of this situation right now.

 

You're only going to get more of the same for however long this relationship lasts..

 

Sorry, but when someone REALLY loves you, they don't call you names, they don't make you cry, and they don't make you question if you're worth while.

 

It isn't a matter that this idiot can't control himself, I'm willing to bet he doesn't talk to his co~workers or friends in this manner.. it's a matter that he doesn't want to control himself.

 

These are HIS issues. He is controlling out of HIS own insecurities and he is breaking you to make himself feel more powerful.. this isn't loving someone and it isn't okay.

 

You don't need to tell him anything. Don't "ask" him for a clean break, this isn't up to him. Cut this a**hole off, he won't need to wonder why you're no longer taking his phone calls or responding to him.. he knows what he's doing is wrong.

 

Please.. for the sake of your emotional sanity, get the hell away from this guy.