MMBastard Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Okay, okay......just to clear things up: I'm a MM who until recently had an affair. Thus ready for all the bashing to come in replies. My current wife and i had been together for several years until getting married last year. Several days after the ceremony I walked into a store and saw this girl. Now you gotta understand, I'm the person who really wanted to get married and loved my then girlfriend totally. However, i began this relationship with this girl. It all started pretty innocent, we'd just drive around and talk..... We haven't kissed up until three months after we met (the relationship lasted almost 9 months and it never went beyong kissing). After the kiss we began breaking up almost every week. She kept saying she couldn't be the second in my life, she was hurt everytime i went home etc. After getting her back several times (even though she insulted me and told me she never wanted to see me again) I told her I was gonna leave my wife. At that time I lied. I lied to her about many other things.....being home alone when my wife was there etc. Everytime i was with her i tried to make her feel like she was the only one. And to be perfectly honest, I was going to leave my wife.... something I eventually did. She broke it off after arriving at my door when my wife was home (I said she wasn't). My wife did not see her or anything - so there was no direct contact between them two. We met afterwards and I confessed everything I lied. When I did that she just kept cool and glowed in my misery. I attempted to contact her several more times and she more or less told me to F*** off every time, that she had gotten over me and all that. Then a week and a half ago we met at a bar. We ended up talking, went for a drive, and after attacking me and yelling at me for about an hour we kissed, hugged...... She told me how much she loves me, hates me at the same time..... And then the next day she broke off every contact again. Now we're back at: I try to contact her - she tells me to f*** off...... MY question to all you women: OK, I understand cheating on a wife is a horrible thing... and I am utterly ashamed of what I'm doing. I am also ashamed about lying to this girl. And while you might think all MM are pure bastards just wanting to sleep with you guys....it so happens we do really fall in love and can't help it. Really can't. This girl and I were (maybe are) truly in love and I cannot understand what is going through her head right now? If being together is ultimatelly what we wanted - should anything else matter (even lying - which really is pretty common for MM)? I don't know what to do? Should I keep contacting her? Leave her alone?
Merin Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 "MY question to all you women: OK, I understand cheating on a wife is a horrible thing... and I am utterly ashamed of what I'm doing." Key words what you're DOING. This implies that you are STILL doing this. You're still married, and you're still lying to both of these women.... not okay period. "I cannot understand what is going through her head right now? If being together is ultimatelly what we wanted - should anything else matter (even lying - which really is pretty common for MM)? " What is going on in her head is that you ARE married, you have lied to her. To say that it doesn't matter that you lied and continue to lie and then justify it because you feel it is common or acceptable because you're married is the most retarded way of thinking and shows how selfish you are too. What she ultimately wanted from you was the TRUTH. Ugh! "Should I keep contacting her? Leave her alone?" I think she has made it pretty clear that she wants you to leave her alone, and for real you're STILL married so how about putting some effort into that about now? If you cannot or will not be truthful with her (the girlfriend) and you cannot or will not be truthful with your wife, then don't be suprised when karma comes around and kicks you right in the a$$ and you loose all the way around. Don't justify being a jerk because "everyone else is doing it so why not you" That is just bu!!s*** and irresponsible.
Mr Spock Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Divorce your wife. Move out of the house. Then maybe you can walk up to her and say you're ready to try again. Until then, What your story translates into is "I've read all the obessed OW stories out here-why did mine stop putting out? I don't understand" with a big lower lip stuck out. Obviously she's reached her tolerance level, . What amazes me is that you cannot understand why she won't continue to see you when you have no intention of leaving your wife.... Pick one, or the other. I hope your wife finds out and chooses for you.
KissMyTiara Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Divorce your wife. Move out of the house. Then maybe you can walk up to her and say you're ready to try again. What your story translates into is "I've read all the obessed OW stories out here-why did mine stop putting out? I don't understand" with a big lower lip stuck out. Obviously she's reached her tolerance level, . What amazes me is that you cannot understand why she won't continue to see you when you have no intention of leaving your wife.... Pick one, or the other. I hope your wife finds out and chooses for you. I second this. Couldn't have said it better - Spock is too good at this.
Butchey Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Several days after the ceremony? I don't get why you would want to ruin your life and that of your new wife. This doen't make sense to me. Does it to you?
SoleMate Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 C'mon you guys, this fellow sounds genuinely confused. Like he has never learned how to behave. Let's provide some guidance, not just namecalling. Here goes: I don't know what to do? Leave the girl alone. Be a man and decide what to do with your life. Yes, you can go down the MM cheating path if you want. You will have company on that road, for sure, although they may be kind of sleazy people. Do read up on Loveshack - you could end up like the guy hiding in his basement while two of the women he had been jerking around were vandalizing his car and looking to kick his ass as well. Should I keep contacting her? No. By contacting her, you are causing her pain and doing wrong by three people. Leave her alone? Yes, leave her totally alone so she can heal. Quit poking at the scab that's forming over her feelings for you.
Mr Spock Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Genuinely confused as to why she won't sleep with him anymore. Hope your wife finds out.
Karlise13 Posted September 15, 2004 Posted September 15, 2004 Tough One. Obviously your vows meant nothing to you. So why are you still married? I mean, if you can cheat days after the ceremony (and cheating doesn't just mean with your private parts, emotional affairs also count) then marriage is obviously pointless for you. RE; the woman you're wanting to be involved with....I give her credit for leaving you. Why should she put up with this nonsense? Either end your marriage and go seek her out or stay in your marriage and leave her alone. You don't know what love is, that's obvious. I think you love the thrill of the chase, the essence of the unattainable and are a 'passion junkie'. Has very little to do with real committment. Good luck
KissMyTiara Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Well, wait a minute...I re-read that, and you say that "and to be perfectly honest, I was going to leave my wife.... something I eventually did." Does this mean you have already left your wife? Are you "single" now? Because if so, the only explanation for your OW's conduct is that she was only after the chase, the thrill of the forbidden, the passion, etc. If you ARE still with your wife, then all I can say is that I give her HUGE props for having the intestinal fortitude to leave you. So, for as long as you are with your W, I'd say LEAVE HER ALONE. If/when you leave W, then you can contact OW. But not a second earlier.
Naive Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 She has a real good reason to tell you to F*** off! Kudos to her. If you really care for her stop pursuing her until you can really offer her a future. Maybe by then though it will be too late!
Merin Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Originally posted by KissMyTiara Well, wait a minute...I re-read that, and you say that "and to be perfectly honest, I was going to leave my wife.... something I eventually did." Does this mean you have already left your wife? I re-read it myself, only because I really couldn't understand why he is having such a hard time understanding why someone he lied to and used wouldn't want to be with him.... However he also states in his first paragraph after his little introduction that this woman he is married to is his CURRANT wife.... so when he said later that he eventually left her, i'm thinking that was another lie he tells himself and other people.... BUT sorry MM going to 7-11 real fast for a slurpee doesn't count as you've left the marriage and are now ready to do the right thing sheesh! Damn I bet your wife wonders why you seem to be running out of milk like A LOT lately uh? "Be right back baby going to the store for uh.... milk" Blah!
MMBastard Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 oh, let me clear some misunderstandings. Yes, my wife and I have split up. I also confessed and told my wife about the relationship and everything surrounding it. We have remained very civil about the whole thing - although it hurts her a lot, which I'm sorry about. I appreciate all the comments (even the tough ones). Although most of you girls won't understand this - Everytime my girlfriend and I broke up about my marriage she'd cut off every contact - and what I wanted from her is just to know that she'd be there for me, since I had no doubts about wanting to be with her. I know you'll all go: Well tough luck buddy, if you know that what didn't you just leave your wife immediatelly. Well, that is a big mistake I made and I understand it now. I don't know it's all so freakin confusing. All I know is I miss her like hell and would do anything to get her back.
meanon Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 I cannot understand what is going through her head right now? She loves you but you have betrayed her trust from the very beginning of the relationship. When she is reminded of this she feels used, hates you for it, wonders if she really does know you at all and thinks she'd be mad to trust you again now. You are the best person to make the judgement as to whether this is real love or infatuation and whether you can prove to her that you can be trusted. Meanwhile she'll continue to try and get on with her life by getting you out of it.
Butchey Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 The only suggestion I can make is move on. Don't contact her. She loves you and hates you and always will. When you are more mature you can find someone else who does not know about your past. It may take a long time. You have to accept the consequeces of your actions. Try to explore your feelings and find out why you did this. Learn about yourself and your good qualities and focus on them. You already know about the bad qualities. They must be reduced over time so you can get rid of them. We all make mistakes and you should not beat yourself up forever. But to save this relationship is not something I would suggest you try. If you do try, then get couciling. If you have a person you can rely on to be impartial it will help your progress. Be patient because time will heal you.
Karlise13 Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Sweetie, you sound very genuine and upset and I appreciate that you're being honest and taking the criticism. BUT....seriously. You f****d up really bad. That's the nuts an bolts of the matter. You need to see that and understand that any self-respecting person is not going to put up with your past behavior, nor would they easily trust you again. Trust is earned. That's why it's such a precious thing. For women to forgive (and I'm generalizing here, true, but bear with me) they need to truly believe you empathize with them. That you truly understand the depth of their hurt, the extent of their feelings of betrayel. If you have never been outrageously lied to, used, abandoned or deeply deeply hurt, I would have a hard time believe you understand their feelings. Sounds more like you're upset over what YOU'VE lost, upset over YOUR feelings of sadness, wondering how YOU can have what YOU want back. Time to start putting yourself in another's shoes. If you can do that and effectively express that to the woman you love and miss, you might have a that once chance in hell of getting her back.
MMBastard Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Originally posted by Karlise13 Sweetie, you sound very genuine and upset and I appreciate that you're being honest and taking the criticism. BUT....seriously. You f****d up really bad. That's the nuts an bolts of the matter. You need to see that and understand that any self-respecting person is not going to put up with your past behavior, nor would they easily trust you again. Trust is earned. That's why it's such a precious thing. For women to forgive (and I'm generalizing here, true, but bear with me) they need to truly believe you empathize with them. That you truly understand the depth of their hurt, the extent of their feelings of betrayel. If you have never been outrageously lied to, used, abandoned or deeply deeply hurt, I would have a hard time believe you understand their feelings. Sounds more like you're upset over what YOU'VE lost, upset over YOUR feelings of sadness, wondering how YOU can have what YOU want back. Time to start putting yourself in another's shoes. If you can do that and effectively express that to the woman you love and miss, you might have a that once chance in hell of getting her back. Karlise, thx for this. And yes, you're right. I am upset over what I've lost....... but then again, wouldn't we all be. I guess it's that genuine selfishness we all posess. I understand the extend of my F**k up and I wanna make up for it any way possible. Whether I'll ever have the chance, that's a whole different matter. I understand pride, hurt and all but if there are two people out there who care for each other, and all boundries for them to be together are cleared - why shouldn't they. And I believe, no matter how hurt, deep inside she knows I'm not a d**k. But yeah, you're right.
guest Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 I would never be able to get over someone lying to me about their marital status, it's just too big a lie. Also, the fact that you started this shortly after marrying someone else doesn't say much for your character/stability. If you want to get her back it will be a long road of proving to her that you are worthy of her at all. You've done a lot of damage, it's doubtful you can repair it, but I guess if you are truly in love with her, it's not clear to me that you are, then you should try to.
Mr Spock Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Originally posted by MMBastard oh, let me clear some misunderstandings. Yes, my wife and I have split up. I also confessed and told my wife about the relationship and everything surrounding it. We have remained very civil about the whole thing - although it hurts her a lot, which I'm sorry about. I appreciate all the comments (even the tough ones). Although most of you girls won't understand this - Everytime my girlfriend and I broke up about my marriage she'd cut off every contact - and what I wanted from her is just to know that she'd be there for me, since I had no doubts about wanting to be with her. I know you'll all go: Well tough luck buddy, if you know that what didn't you just leave your wife immediatelly. Well, that is a big mistake I made and I understand it now. I don't know it's all so freakin confusing. All I know is I miss her like hell and would do anything to get her back. Ahhh. Well then. Are you divorced yet? When you are, bring her the signed papers to show and tell her you'd like to try and have an honest relationship, but you understand if she says no.
Naive Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Originally posted by MMBastard Everytime my girlfriend and I broke up about my marriage she'd cut off every contact - and what I wanted from her is just to know that she'd be there for me, since I had no doubts about wanting to be with her. What ot sounds like to me is that you wanted to know if she would be there for you so that you can know whether to leave your wife or not. If you don't love someone anymore the right thing to do is leave them whether you have someone on the side or not.
netrie Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Originally posted by MMBastard Okay, okay......just to clear things up: I'm a MM who until recently had an affair. Thus ready for all the bashing to come in replies. This girl and I were (maybe are) truly in love and I cannot understand what is going through her head right now?... I don't know what to do? Should I keep contacting her? Leave her alone? ITS NOT LOVE, DEAR. LEAVE HER ALONE. GET THERAPY. TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE YOUR OWN PSYCHE. GET THERAPY FAST... RUN!!!!!!!!!!! good luck, Netalia
Guest Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 I'm truly sorry that this happened to you. I was in a similar relationship, all I can say is that if you're really serious about wanting her, you're going to have to go the extra extra mile to regain her trust. She may also be a little concerned about getting into a serious relationship with you because you are married. Keep trying.
ssssss Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 Originally posted by MMBastard oh, let me clear some misunderstandings. Yes, my wife and I have split up. I also confessed and told my wife about the relationship and everything surrounding it. Why don't you ask HIM where did he sleep last night? And the night before that and...Left your wife? How stupid do you think I am you f....ing idot? You really think I care about your stupid messages, e-mails and the rest of your crap? And for those of you who actually believed in his lies-you have no idea how far he can go with lies and manipulation and how sick he is (can you believe he actually e-mailed me copy of his "divorce papers" which he typed by himself???) The interesting fact is that there is no divorce, his wife doesn't know anything and he goes home to her every night, sleeps with her and then sends me million messages during week accusing me of not being there for him and turning my back to "real" love, and still has no shame to come to this forum and talk about how he loves me and all that crap. (He e-mailed me link to this page saying he really understands how I feel and he wants me to read how you guys kicked his ass...) Now how sick is that? You really are a bastard and you deserve everything Mr Spock and everyone else told you. At the end, only thing I can say to you is F**K OFF you F****ING PSYCHO!!!! You really are a bastard! And yes, I am the girl that was crazy enough to spend the last 9 months of her life with someone like him. BIG mistake!
ssssss Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 Originally posted by MMBastard oh, let me clear some misunderstandings. Yes, my wife and I have split up. I also confessed and told my wife about the relationship and everything surrounding it. Why don't you ask HIM where did he sleep last night? And the night before that and...Left your wife? How stupid do you think I am you f....ing idot? You really think I care about your stupid messages, e-mails and the rest of your crap? And for those of you who actually believed in his lies-you have no idea how far he can go with lies and manipulation and how sick he is (can you believe he actually e-mailed me copy of his "divorce papers" which he typed by himself???) The interesting fact is that there is no divorce, his wife doesn't know anything and he goes home to her every night, sleeps with her and then sends me million messages during week accusing me of not being there for him and turning my back to "real" love, and still has no shame to come to this forum and talk about how he loves me and all that crap. (He e-mailed me link to this page saying he really understands how I feel and he wants me to read how you guys kicked his ass...) Now how sick is that? You really are a bastard and you deserve everything Mr Spock and everyone else told you. At the end, only thing I can say to you is F**K OFF you F****ING PSYCHO!!!! You really are a bastard! And yes, I am the girl that was crazy enough to spend the last 9 months of her life with someone like him. BIG mistake!
KissMyTiara Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 Hysterical!! I've never been one to use a phrase like this, but I cannot resist: YOU GO GIRL!!!
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