Butterfli Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Okay, I really need advice on what I need to do. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We met on an online dating service. We hit it off instantly. I had not been in a serious relationship prior to this one for about 3 years. Everything was going okay to me until, he quit his job. He said the work was highly stressful and that he was always in danger of getting fired, but since it was a government job, his concern was he wanted to make a year and then quit because then he would be able to get another job with the government in the future. From there things just really got bad. he began to distance himself from me, our conversation changed. He would say that he was going out of town all the time, but couldn't talk to me while he was there or he would be very short with me. I accused him of being with another woman. He said I was full of drama, and accused me of being overdramatic. I would call and leave numerous messages on his cell phne and pager, which he hated. But how else was I able to reach him? He wouldn't even return the calls sometimes His roommate told me that he was messing around, and was still meeting girls on the Internet. My BF denied it. So one time, while he was "out of town", I went over his house under the guise of giving him some of my funiture. I do admit that I went thru his things. I found that he had a paper full of women's email address and I found his many different email address and passwords. So I logged on. He was chatting with many women, but there was one where he was really holding an intmate conversation with. So I emailed her. She called me back told me that they had been together, sexually, and that they had been dating for months. When I confronted him he was more upset about me in his personal business, then the fact that I had caught him in a lie So, I left him. He beg me to come back saying that the girl was lying. She was just mad that he didn't want to be with her and so on. he asked for forgiveness for starting the relationship with her, but still was adament about not sleeping with her. But I didn't believe him. Since then, even though he says that he loves me and would never cheat on me, I look at his actions and I cant believe him He's still taking trips to his home town, and has never invited me. He just recently moved, but he hasn't shown me where he lives. He still has been distant. Also, he has begun to talk to me really rude and crazy, he apologizes afterward, but the damage is done. His excuse is that i bring so much drama that before he can get over one thing I have done, something else happens. I can't seem to get him to understand that the cause of me giving him drama is him not acting or treating me like he is my bf. I don't know if I am just having trust issues or do I need to listen to my heart and realize he is not being faithful. He says that he doesn't have alot time to spend with me because he is trying to take care of his business, but I don't believe that. I just think I am holding on to something that I need to let go. but I don't want to because of how I feel about him and I hate to break up and find out I was wrong. What can I do? Somebody help me out Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 You may very well have trust issues, but hon, get out of this one. This man is likely being unfaithful to you and beyond that, he doesn't treat you well anyway. I spent a year and a half with a man who insisted that I was overdramatic, and had trust issues. Looking back now, I can see that I was young and had my issues, but realize that a lot of what was going on was the fact that I KNEW I couldn't trust him (He was screwing around SO often that it's embarressing to look back on) and acted accordingly. Why I didn't just leave is beyond me. Granted I don't know you, but it sounds like some of the same might be going on here for you. Get rid of this man. He's no good. He doesn't treat you well, and you know in your heart that something is way off here. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Originally posted by Butterfli He's still taking trips to his home town, and has never invited me. He just recently moved, but he hasn't shown me where he lives. He still has been distant. Also, he has begun to talk to me really rude and crazy, he apologizes afterward, but the damage is done. His excuse is that i bring so much drama that before he can get over one thing I have done, something else happens. I can't seem to get him to understand that the cause of me giving him drama is him not acting or treating me like he is my bf. Isn't this alone enough evidence to RUN? This guy is not treating you right. Don't you deserve someone that will? There IS someone out there that won't treat you this way! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterfli Posted September 8, 2004 Author Share Posted September 8, 2004 I guess I have always known, I just don't know how to deal with it. I loved him so much and I don't want to go thru the break of process. I think I could if he would leave me alone, but he always comes up with a convincing answer to the problem, many times it being something to do with me. I am breaking up with him, I guess I just wanted to know that I am not crazy. Thanks Girlie...tikibrandy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterfli Posted September 8, 2004 Author Share Posted September 8, 2004 How do you break up with someone? Do you just leave him alone and let him figure it out or do you have to have a conversation first? I'm wondering should I even waste my breath telling him why. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Aww, you poor thing. That's a decision you have to make all your own (leaving him or not). Everyone here at LS will gladly listen to you or try to help. Why don't you post a new topic on "How do I leave him?" or something like that? I'd probably tell him over the phone, heck, I don't know. Ya got me. I just think you can do better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterfli Posted September 8, 2004 Author Share Posted September 8, 2004 Thanks....this really is hard for me, I feel devastated because I know what I have to do, but my heart........ Link to post Share on other sites
BlackWidow Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Hi, firstly, relax. I just got out of relationship like that. Here's what you can so. Calmly send the guy an e-mail telling him that you've grown tired of his attitude towards you and that you have decided to initialise a friendship/relationship so you'll be needing your space before there's some unwanted conflicts...When he asks to come over calmly tell him "sshh..it's ok. It's ok now...it's all done now..it's over. Please take this time to mull then move on since I'm seeing someone else" add "I'll make arrangements for you to uplift your things at a time both convenient to you and I and we'll use time time for me to get mine from you...you take care" He might not agree but from now one he'll respect you. Don't cry (or allow him to see you cry...just pretent that there's someone and you really don't need him...) and one mre thing....keep yourself occupied and learn to love and appreciate you, if you had all these cards in order that guy would not have played you to this point. Joinm a gym, or social club...burn his things and delete all contact info for him after the asset-switch. Goodluck. BlackWidow Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterfli Posted September 8, 2004 Author Share Posted September 8, 2004 Well, everyone. I took the plunge. I put it on the table what I wanted changed. I told him if he couldn't do it then the relationship was over. He gave me the excuse that he didn't trust me enough to give me his address, stating that I might come over there with drama like the last time. I reminded him that whatever drama we had was due to his actions and yes I did put his stuff on his door step or argued in front of his roommate, but that shouldn't constitute a reason for him to say he wont tell me where he lives now. He gave me his reasons and I told him that they were unacceptable. He didn't say anything. Just OK. So I think that went really well. My friends say he will be back, but I feel strongly that if he can't make the change, then I cant go any further with this.........I just hope I can stick to it Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Continue to be strong and stay in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterfli Posted September 8, 2004 Author Share Posted September 8, 2004 Thanks....all my friends have been telling me, but I didn't want to listen. Isn't it amazing how a person can be a good person in other areas, yet be a total dog in others. I'm glad that I don't feel bitter. I just taking BlackWidow advice and keeping busy Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 How do you break up with someone? Do you just leave him alone and let him figure it out or do you have to have a conversation first? I'm wondering should I even waste my breath telling him why. I would have saved my breath. Even your exhaled carbon dioxide is too good for him to be breathing. When you get over this one, please do remember that there are PLENTY of fish in the sea. Ones that will tell you which reef they live in, for instance. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 """When you get over this one, please do remember that there are PLENTY of fish in the sea. Ones that will tell you which reef they live in, for instance."""" LMAO. I love that! There is just something so wrong about sticking with a guy that won't even give you his home address. Stick to your guns, Butterfli, and stay away from this one. Link to post Share on other sites
SouthernBabe0109 Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 this really has nothing to do with this but i saw the fish in the sea thing and had to say it. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but who the heck wants to date a fish? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterfli Posted September 8, 2004 Author Share Posted September 8, 2004 I'm trying. My girlfriend said that she felt that he had a point. That he might generally be concerned that I might show up at his roommate home, if that is really where he lives, and create a drama situation. I explained to her that the few dramatic issues or episodes I had over at his last place was due to him lying and not being able to explain where he was going every weekend. So what we had an argument in front of his roommate. His job, as a referee for private schools, which is also a part-time job, he should know me better than to think I would do that. I still think it was just an excuse to not tell me where he lived Thanks...still need encouragement...I know I will miss the companionship Link to post Share on other sites
BlackWidow Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 I told her...here's a confusing fact. Life without a pal can be lonely...then why not get a benefit friend (sex occassionally and embrase) but don't allow too much emotions to get involved? what'd you guys think....with this degree of lonelyness I'm feeling I don't think I'll be getting rid of my benefit friend... (this benefit friend never mistreats me and never lies to me...if there's a hot chick he likes then he'll share the goury details with me...) I like this arrangement, only that I sometimes feel terrible... BlackWidow Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted September 8, 2004 Share Posted September 8, 2004 Exactly what did he consider drama...I have had a couple of guys tell me that I have been dramatic, when in fact, I felt that my reactions were totally reasonable and not any stronger than anybody else would have reacted...just curious what he meant by drama... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterfli Posted September 9, 2004 Author Share Posted September 9, 2004 His version of drama. Example: He goes out of town and suddenly his phone is off, and I can't reach him. So I'm calling and leaving messages and paging him. When he finally calls back, he's upset about me leaving so many messages. That was pretty much the main thing he hated was me leaving so many messages and sometimes if I was really upset, they could be really nasty. I would apologized for how I said it but he would still say that I was being over dramatic Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Girl, you aren't missing a damn thing by losing him. What kind of a boyfriend won't even tell his girlfriend where he lives? And he won't tell you where he's going on the weekends? Shouldn't the weekends be spent with you?? I'm sorry, but a healthy relationship consists of TRUST and when you LOVE someone you have nothing to hide from them. He had a whole list of e-mail addresses of other women he was talking to. What more proof do you need? He was able to manipulate you back into his clutches and you think he's really going to change? HE WON'T EVEN TELL YOU WHERE HE LIVES!! Please open your eyes and drop this loser before he pulls the wool totally over your eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackWidow Posted September 9, 2004 Share Posted September 9, 2004 Yea...you gotta get real...I believe you're lonely and that's why you're taking so much trash. Just PLEASE join a voluntary Org. and keep yourself occupied for you. DO THIS FOR YOU!!! He isn't YOUR b/f don't fool yourself. Accept this and move on. Just try this tell him to come for his things and you get yours!!!!!. He's using you! and guess what?...after a while of this he'll recommend you to his buddies...so unless you want this delete this monster from your life... gluck BlackWidow Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterfli Posted September 10, 2004 Author Share Posted September 10, 2004 Okay........He came over last night, using the guise of paying me back some money. Still lying. Still wouldn't tell me where he stayed. Then had the nerve to try to man-handle me. I had to threaten him to get him out my house. And I found out that he has been reading my email. When I confronted him about it, he lied and told me I didn't know what I was talking about, even though he was almost quoting my email verbatim. Such a jerk!!!! He disgusts me. I hate him so much for being unlike I thought he was. His whole demeanor was fake. Nothing about him that I thought was true has been really. I really wanted to drop kick him in the balls, but I restrained myself. Some say the if it is meant to be, that person will come back changed, but in my case, I don want him. I don't care how he changes. Such a jerk, so much a waste of my time Sorry...I am just so angry Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted September 11, 2004 Share Posted September 11, 2004 No need to be sorry. You are justified in your anger...I know what you mean about finding out someone's demeanor is totally fake...I spent my summer with one such con man...had me 150% convinced he cared....People can act if there's something in it for them....I am glad that you have "washed your hands" of him emotionally...You will still likely 'miss' the good times...but remember...he wasn't sincere....and you getting upset about him not return repeated calls/messages...understandable...how would he have reacted if you did this to him....it's all about treating someone the way you want to be treated..if they can't do that...I say kick them to the curb!! Link to post Share on other sites
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