OWs no longer post in this forum

[fanou22]

We all come here for a reason. We need someone to talk to who is in a situation similar to ours.

Recently all topics have moved to how to get away from MM and the unhappiness that comes with that.

I do not advocate an woman becoming an OW but some of us are still in this relationship and have stopped posting because of all the bashing and because we are tired of the vindictive unhappy wife.

 

If an OW says she is happy with the way things are, everyone jumps on with their views on what she should do.

If an OW posts that she broke off the affair, then everyone praises her though she is hurting like hell.

 

I know I am an OW who attempted to break it off once and went back to him as soon as he uttered the words of how much he cares and how much he wants me in his life and never want to lose me.

 

I am not posting to get anyone to agree or disagree with me. I will even list my views on affairs mine specifically.

I like my relationship with MM. I get the best of him while his wife gets the worse.

I am addicted to him as he is addicted to me.

I am not keeping myseff from meeting some SG. I know my man is somewhere waiting for me and I will meet him one day.

I know I am learning a lot from MM (not to neglect my husband when I get married one day).

I have feelings for MM though at the beginning I know it was a sexual thing.

I also know that when he feels I am pulling out, he is with me more than ever and things intensify between us.

 

One day I will let him go on my terms not because someone is saying that I should have pity and prevent his kids any pain. By the time they grow up and know what happened, I will be long gone living on another continent most likely or living in another city at least.

 

For all the OWs feel free to post your feelings and opinions though you will get lectured and bashed

[Mr Spock]

I'm very tired (looooong day at work) but I'll be sure to post a big long thought later.

[ringo]

Everyone is here to help someone through something. We all have a difference of opinions and therefore we basically need to agree to disagree.

 

I see your point of the bashing... of OW/OM having affairs with MM/MW - because we are the ones married. But the problem truly does not lie with YOU or the others in positions like yours. It truly lies with those we are married to. It is their fault and not yours! Yes it does take two to tango.... but you would have never happened had the MM not taken the steps to do what he has done. Therefore, IMO the blame is mostly on the MM/MW doing this and not the way you suggest.

 

Again, we're all on here for advice of some sort, or just to vent... whatever. People are always going to say things we don't want to hear or don't agree with... and that's where you have to be strong enough to just ignore it. Don't take things to personally. It's your life, if you are happy, then you keep doing what you are doing regardless of what others feel. No one can make you happy - you have to make yourself happy!

 

I am married to a man that has cheated repeatedly and have had to be tested for STDs last week due to my finding all of this out. I posted a thread on here on how to contact these OW to let them know to be tested. I didn't want to kick there butts... or lash out at them... I don't blame them... I blame my husband. I just wanted to make sure they are safe before they infect other innocent people. But because of my post and feelings of wanting to help these OW... I was lashed out at... and I just ignored it. Thats what you need to do... just ignore what you don't believe or care to read. Don't let it get to you.

 

Please don't leave and stop posting because your upset with what has happened. Just open your heart to better understanding.... we are all different with different opinions.... like I said.... lets just agree to disagree, but don't shut yourself out from this site if it can help you in anyway. Please.... I'm begging you...

[kiababy]

Fanou, I've only replied to other's posts but have kept mum about myself for the reasons you stated. I think the continuous emotional 'pounding' from others convinced me I was about to be 'saved' and would leap out of my relationship with MM.

 

Well I'm not. I don't want to leave him and he said he's never leaving me (although I did NOT promise him I would never leave...cuz I probably will someday). I'm not sure if he sensed a change - when I started considering ending it - or what the story is but he's made a colossal effort to spend more time with me lately. I can't fix ME today, and he can't fix the mess his marriage was already in before I came along. This is no longer a 'fling' or a 'roll in the hay', it's a full-out relationship that has taken a year to develop. He is part of my life now, every day. Not just the once or maybe twice a week we are physically together, but the hours we spend on the phone too - talking about nothing but every aspect of our relationship. He talks about it forwards and backwards and inside out.

 

O.K. so here's an update to recent events: I went on a date with a new - single - guy on Saturday. We spent the entire day together, had the BEST time and we have great chemistry. This guy is only a year younger than me, as opposed to the 16 year age difference between my much younger MM and me. Well......as good a time as I had - I does not change any of my feelings towards my MM. I felt frendship for the new guy but no desire to hold hands or kiss or anything. We're supposed to get together this week to go rollerblading, but I can't see anything coming out of it beyond the occasional fun date.

 

I wish I could transfer the deep feelings I have for my MM onto this guy - ANY of the single guys I date really. My most recent problem is I have accidentally called the few dates I've had by his name and had to hurriedly correct myself. We talk so much, I always think I'm talking to him!

[1Yoyo]

I will not stop posting, I'm just VERY selective in what I say and where.

 

 

 

Yo

[1Yoyo]

Originally posted by fanou22

 

 

I am not posting to get anyone to agree or disagree with me. I will even list my views on affairs mine specifically.

I like my relationship with MM. I get the best of him while his wife gets the worse.

I am addicted to him as he is addicted to me.

I am not keeping myseff from meeting some SG. I know my man is somewhere waiting for me and I will meet him one day.

I know I am learning a lot from MM (not to neglect my husband when I get married one day).

I have feelings for MM though at the beginning I know it was a sexual thing.

I also know that when he feels I am pulling out, he is with me more than ever and things intensify between us.

 

One day I will let him go on my terms not because someone is saying that I should have pity and prevent his kids any pain. By the time they grow up and know what happened, I will be long gone living on another continent most likely or living in another city at least.

 

I agree with you and thanks for standing up for us!!

 

Yo

[fanou22]

Together it is easier. I haven't been able to share anything with anybody and I would like to do so whether I am happy or miserable. I want to read the stories of the OW. Know when they are happy, know when they are feeling insecure.

 

Yolanda,

The point is not having to be selective. We will get bashed. So what? It happens

 

Ringo,

I have read your story and I am glad you don't blame the OW. You want them to know about the STD. I know how it feels. I have been down that road myself.

 

I am not going to repeat my story again and again. It is just that today, I feel happy with the way things are between MM and me. I am not trying to take him away from his wife. We both understand the terms of our relationship and he knows how to make things better when he feels I am pulling away. All of the sudden he is there for me. I don't ask for too much time from him. I take what I can get and I am content with it. He also knows that one day I will leave him. He always tells me that one day I will make some man extremely happy and he will be jealous of him. That is enough for me right now. I am not looking for more and I know he is not the ONE for me.

 

Oh boy, do they know how to sweet talk us and we love it.

[sami]

We are not here to rebuke or condemn. We all want the best for everyone. Sorry if we did hurt anyone in the process of expressing our opinions or giving our advices. we want everbody to know that we love you equally. I personally like all of the LS girls.

[lioness]

I'm hopelessly in love with my MM! I can't just turn it off. Who can? We are all treading on new ground here, so let's just be open and available to each other.

 

And girls, come on, even through the bashing, don't you still think to yourself... I don't care about the bashing, I love loving him.

[KnottedTummy]

Yeah, I know exactly what you are saying...

 

I posted a very lengthly thread after a lot of thought and much hesitation... I pretty much poured my whole life story out into this brand new experience of LS after much deliberation, and what I got was... "Leave him... Stop the Drama.... I don't see any problem, just stop talking to him, and stop all contact what so ever...Don't get involved with a MM...." Well, hello, would I be here if all of that was so easy, or I hadn't already tried those steps???

 

Of course it's drama, isn't it all??? That's why we are all here... We all need advice. We all need a shoulder to lean on, like they say... Misery loves company. But ya know what? It's not always misery, we do get the best of our MM, we see what their wives only wish they could see... we see their happiness, not their solemn solitude. And not all of us are unhappy, and some us do end up being very happy in our relationships... so with that... lets celebrate us.... the HAPPY OW!!!!

[sami]

It will take time to fade out. Sex is only one of many other factors for human relationships to continue and yield fruits. New lovers will soon become tired of it when one or both of them realizes it is only a waste of time and energy..

[I Survived]

fanou22

 

I've been the other woman and also a wife who was cheated on and neither felt very good. Now I have my pride and a husband who loves and respects me. Life is too short for all that other BS.

 

You need to get some help! You can have a better life of your own instead of borrowing someone else's and causing so much pain.

[I Survived]

kiababy

 

Do you think the fact that the MM is unavailable to you is what makes him so appealing? He's safe because you don't have to think about attachment.

 

Single guys may be a threat to you because they could reciprocate and there could be commitment there.

 

Have you been hurt by an event in your life that made you build a wall around your heart? Are you afraid of closeness? Are you afraid of being abandoned?

 

Just a thought.

 

We have to fix ourselves first before we can consider being whole. I hope you find a nice guy.

[I Survived]

DELETE

 

I'm not clear on what you mean by "nuanced response"?

[kiababy]

Have you been hurt by an event in your life that made you build a wall around your heart? Are you afraid of closeness? Are you afraid of being abandoned?

 

 

Yes to all of the above. Let me sum up my life so far:

 

- hateful battling parents, I don't remember either of them ever saying 'I love you' to each other or me

- mother moved out constantly, sometimes taking me, sometimes leaving me with my Dad (who was the much better parent)

- cheating Dad who eventually married HIS OW

- married a man who was verbally abusive to me and physically abusive to my daughter

- mother 'surprises' me by showing up in court during my divorce - ON MY EX'S SIDE OF THE TABLE

 

.......how's that?

 

My MM is the one person in my life (except for my kids) who makes me feel loved, who I have a connection with, who makes me feel anything. He and his wife do not have children of their own, and I never want to do anything to hurt her, because if he loves her, she must be really special.

 

Yes, I know I've already hurt her.

 

Sinner - a question for you, this is pure speculation on my part: after he was caught cheating ( a former OW of his called his wife), he told me he promised his wife he would PROTECT her. He didn't say he promised that he wouldn't cheat. Hmmmmm......whenever he says that he's mine 'or life' or that he's never leaving me, I always say that he can't promise me that and he says that yes, he can say that. Do you think it's one of those things where he won't give her a guarantee that he won't cheat; just that he won't let her be confronted about it again?

 

He did tell me once that one day his wife would have to accept that he needs me...I thought he was just joking.

 

What do you think? I know I should come right out and ask....but I can't get questions like that to come out of my mouth!!!!! And I never ask that all-important follow-up question. If he had email I'm sure I could write it all down no problem but I can't communicate my feelings in 'real life'.

[sinner]

A hurt spouse would most likely interpret your MM's statement that he would "protect her" to mean not only that he would become, and remain, faithful but also that she has nothing to fear or dread for so long as she remains his wife. Between spouses a promise of protection, especially one given in a crisis situation, is pregnant with meaning.

 

It would have been quite reasonable for the appalled wife to have inferred from this noble promise that her husband would not allow her to be hurt, ever again. Implicit in this promise, is the pledge that he will not harm her by his actions, or allow others to do so.

 

In some respects, a promise to protect an emotionally vulnerable spouse is more intimate than reciting love and affection. The philandering husband is pledging , not only his fidelity, but his protection. It is reassurance given in a major way.

[kiababy]

Sinner, thank you so much for that explanation. I am so clueless when it comes to relationships.

[sinner]

You're welcome, kia.

 

Many of us are clueless some of the time. Only those without significant relationships claim absolute knowledge and perfect virtue.

[I Survived]

kiababy

 

Honey - it sounds like you've been on a bumpy road. I truly feel for you and I'll bet you're a wonderful mother.

 

I, too, came from a less than loving home and when I was a younger person, I looked for affection anywhere I could find it - it didn't matter if it led to sex.

 

However, somewhere along the line I realized that what I was doing hurt me. I went to find the "little child" in me and consoled her and told her that she was loved. It helped me to understand what I truly needed.

 

Get that note book and write about that "little girl" in you and what she experienced to make the adult do the things that you do today.

 

I hope everything works out for you.

[kiababy]

Ha ha, you're too funny........now, let me stand back here out of the way of the fireworks..........

[kiababy]

Thank you, that's very sweet. I have a hard time dealing with things that happened in my childhood and I know it colours everything I do.

 

Maybe if I confronted that stuff I could finally mature emotionally and find a grown-up relationship (no more 20 year-olds!) with an available, single man.

 

And thanks for saying I'm a good mom - that means the world to me - I tell my children that I love them several times every single day, they're all I have

[fanou22]

Still Hurting,

 

To answer your question, a lot has happened to me. I am not apologizing for it nor would I apologize that I don't care about his wife and children. They are not mine to begin with. I care about my family the ones that are close. That is about how much I care for anyone in the whole world. My love and caring go to only 2 people in the world who I would lay my life for them.

 

Call me whatever you wish.......selfish would be fine with me.

 

Apparently you are still bitter about your husband's affair and you are blaming the OW. But I could not find anywhere your story about being the OW. Wanna share it?

 

I am enjoying my affair with MM. I had my doubts and regrets about it in the past but I have come to realize what this relationship is. I understand the terms of it. One day it will end because I want it to end not because people are telling me to end it.

 

Sinner,

I did not fully understand your post in reply to still hurting. Care to explain?

[sinner]

Sinner,

I did not fully understand your post in reply to still hurting. Care to explain?

 

 

I was savoring the irony of you being bashed in a thread you started about OW bashing on LS.

 

On the other hand, Still Hurting appears genuinely concerned and helpful so I now feel guilty for starting the whole thing.

 

 

Sorry.

[I Survived]

Everyone needs to remember that sinner's back ground is law.

 

Don't worry, Counselor - there's still plenty of people out there looking for your services. I'll refer someone to you in Pennsylvania

 

fanou22

 

You're right - I'm fresh off discovering my husband's involvement with the OW. It has been the worst and best 8 months of my life but we're moving forward with each other now. The floosie / wack-job still tries to contact him even though he's told her it's over and it was a mistake.

 

Yup - I was the OW and we're married to each other now. I think the only reason (besides my love for him) that I understood and forgave him is because I've been on that other side. I remember how much we hurt the other people in our lives and how the guilt kept us from becoming US until this most recent situation happened and opened our eyes. We had a breakdown in communication. He was unemployed, feeling very vulnerable, she was an old girl friend and contacted him through a classmates web site, he didn't think I cared, and it was off to the races. Six month long internet/telephone "affair". He never slept with her, thank God, but he wanted to and would have if he had the opportunity. We have put it all out on the table, we're in counseling and things are better, much better than they have ever been.

 

So, if your ultimate goal is to make your MM's marriage better - you're on the right track. Someday, hopefully, she'll find out about you and they will have to work through it. Maybe they'll make it, maybe they won't and you'll end up with him whether you like it or not. But why are you wasting so much time on him????? Think about yourself. Are you really happy being second??

[kiababy]

Thank you for sharing your story Still Hurting, I wish you much happiness in your marriage!