chris58 Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Hi everyone, A few months ago I started to feel attracted to a close female friend of mine. (If it's relevant, we're both in our early 20s, I have never been in any sort of relationship before; she has but not for some time.) I spent a fair bit of time deliberating over whether I should tell her or not, read a few threads on this site about similar situations, and eventually decided that it was worth the risk (ie. risk that it might change our great friendship somehow), so I told her exactly how I felt. It turned out she said she does not feel the same way for me at all, which to be honest I think I half expected deep down (I know pretty much everything about her, and her feelings), but I still felt like I really had to tell her ... she deserved to know, I felt like by saying nothing I just wasn't being fair and honest. Anyway, that was nearly a month ago. Things were a little bit awkward just for a week or so, nothing disastrous just a bit weird, which is to be expected I guess, but now we seem to be pretty much back to "normal", we talk a lot just like we always did. At first I was glad I told her, because it seemed like a relief to just have it out of the way, so that I could sort of get on with my life. But now I'm realising that, because we're "back to normal", talking to each other a lot and just generally being good friends again, I haven't really "moved on" at all. She's always right there in front of me, just the same as before, and although I know now that she doesn't feel attracted to me at all, I find myself kind of hoping that she might change her mind or something. It's funny because when I was weighing up whether to tell her or not, if you'd asked me "if she doesn't feel the same way about you, how would you like things to end up between you?" I would have said "I want us to be friends, exactly like we always have been". Now that's precisely what's happened, and I just feel like I've gone around in a big circle. Does anyone have any advice for me? Anyone been in a similar situation? How can I just get on with things? I'd be very grateful for any input. I can handle the "rejection" itself I guess (life wasn't meant to be easy hey), but I didn't count on having the rejection combined with this ongoing I-wonder-if-she-could-like-me tension!
uriel Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Very often, these sorts of friendships end up being more emotionally intimate than they would be if one person wasn't attracted to the other. She may feel free to open up more with you and lean on you more than she would another guy friend because you are so receptive -- and you are so receptive because you want to be with her as more than friends. Unfortunately, this isn't a healthy situation for you. The emotional intimacy she's allowing and your eagerly accepting isn't going to lead to a physical connection or a stronger emotional bond. You get partial reinforcement that it will when she goes further emotionally than she might with another guy -- but it's misleading. No way to get your heart around what your head knows. You can't reason with that organ. So, what you need to do is to either end the friendship, if it becomes too excrutiating, or drop back from the friendship until it's no more frequent or intense than the sort you might have with a guy to whom you aren't attracted. If she were more of an average friend, how often would you meet, talk and what would you do, say? Take things to that more reserved level. When she gets a serious bf, she'll make less room in her life for you anyway. Ouch -- I know that hurts. Better to pull back now, rather than being the guy who's filling the spot in all but name and privileges. -- uriel
LikkleMissConfused Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 I agree with Uriel to some extent. Its always the case that when she get's a new BF or even you get a new GF things may change and you will no thave much time for eachother. And yes it is hurting you but you sound very mature in the way you have wriiten your post. You have to accept the answer she has given you, its hard not to hope for more but I think that means that you haven't accepted her answer. it may be good for you to have little contact with her for a while and then see her and see how you feel Uriel is right if the pain continues try and help the friendship fizzle out otherwise just remember that you will soon be just as attracted to someone else and move on, but if you have had a close friendship for so long it would be a shame to lose that because of uncontrollable emotions. I am trying at my age 26 to learn how not to let my emotions ruin some lovely relatioships and friendships I have had. It would be a shame to lose that right and you will also miss that. Distance yourself from her a little and tell her how you are feeling and that you still wanna be friends but you can not be so heavily involved. TC SASHA
Author chris58 Posted August 1, 2004 Author Posted August 1, 2004 Thank you for those responses. Sounds like the main idea is to "distance myself" from her a bit. This seems to make sense, and I suspected this might be the case ... but ... wow ... easier said than done. We're so involved in each other's lives, we have so many mutual friends, we're pretty much bound to see each other quite frequently. Like it or not, I just don't think "ending the friendship" is feasible at all. Of course I could try to avoid spending time alone with her, and we have been doing this less than before, but (and this is probably just me making excuses to stay close to her?) this seems a bit selfish: like I am depriving her of a close friend (me), for my own comfort. I wouldn't say we were one of those pairs who are "filling the spot in all but name and privileges", and we might not even be each other's absolutely closest friend, I'm not sure, but certainly closer than average. (It's hard to explain, I wish there was a way to quantify closeness of friends!) In a funny way I don't think many of our mutual friends realise how close we are. So wouldn't she be sad (although probably not exactly offended, I realise) if I told her that I want us to "back off" a bit? I wouldn't want her to feel like she's worse off for this whole business, I would feel guilty for that. *** start off-track interlude *** I just wish so much that nothing had ever changed, that I had never started to like her as anything more than a friend. What was the point? All it has brought is tension, pain and confusion, and probably, at least to some extent, lost friendship. I had a happy life, with her and plenty of other friends, with my own interests and hobbies that I love, and without a girlfriend. I didn't want anything more, this just came along and got in the way; why can't I just get on with that old life? :-( *** end off-track interlude *** So there you go ... that's what's going through my head, please tell me if this just sounds like I'm making excuses for myself.
uriel Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 Well -- it depends on how much this hurts. If you find that you begin to not be able to function as well as usual because of these feelings, then you'll need to back off. If it just nibbles and nags at your peace, you may only be bothered on some occasions -- like if you see her flirting with someone else. If it becomes an excrutiating punch in the gut, you'll have to exit stage right. Normal to wish you'd never developed the attraction or even announced it. But, there you go. Can't put this back in the box. Don't worry about what this is doing to her. You can't help it, because you care. But, you've got to put your welfare first. Just keep a close monitor on what's going on in your head and heart. Don't rationalize away the pain. Rate it on a scale of one to ten daily. -- uriel
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