I actually learned something from the OW's and Loveshack

[supermom]

I have learned a lot about infidelity on loveshack. Before, I wanted to blame the OW/OM (okay mainly OW because I am a wife, once cheated on). The OW in my husband's case was verbally threatened by me (I can be a bit immature when I'm pissed). I told her I was going to kick her ass. Called her a whore. The whole bit.

 

I have had shi++y remarks for the OW on these forums. I have been put in my place, and tried to put others in my place.

 

I have learned that it is mainly the husband/wife's fault. I have even called the OW and apologized for the threats. Why? Because I am tired of being angry and hateful. My husband was the one who promised for better or for worse, and yes, he has not cheated before or after the incident, we are okay, but instead of really blaming him like I should, I wanted to kick her a$$ because she stumbled onto my turf and plus, she knew me for years (she was like a sis,) I told her that I have forgiven her, but that there cannot be any more of a friendship with her, as I do not want to ever see her again.

 

I have come to the conclusions about my anger towards the OW. I think that they have been manipulated by the married men, but at the same time, because I do not understand, I do get pissed when they act like they're proud. Being proud of contributing to the breakup of a family really pisses me off.

 

I also do not understand why the kids are not being thought of. Why can't daddy be faithful? That is of course, for adult conversation, but who knows what goes on in their little heads. And what about the OW, I would think that if I were in that situation and he had kids, I would back off for them. I know I have not been in their shoes (the OW), but can someone elighten me as to if they do think of their mm's kids?

 

The wives also, I mean, your MM can gripe all day about the wife, but how do you know it is true?

 

My reason for posting is to understand. Also to let you all know that this site can teach you things. I came on here hating all OW because I was freshly cheated on, and pretty much solely blamed my H's OW. I even told my husband, I have learned from my "reaserch" that it is all YOUR fault. You made vows to me, she didn't

 

Well enough of my ranting. I feel a little better knowing that I did learn something out of all this.

 

Thanks for listening (or reading )

[StartingAgain]

You are dead on right! If your husband is cheating, you vent your outrage at your husband. The OW and you have nothing to talk about. And you are also right in that the husband usually misrepresnts the nature of his marriage, lies and manipulates in order to get sympathy. But some times it's the OP doing the lying and manipulating.

 

When my wife and I were having some problems, she needed a friend to talk to and turned to an old male college friend. I told her that it was not approriate and, indeed dangerous to have such inimate talks with an oppostite sex friend. I suggested a woman would be a better sounding board. She blew it off, because they were "dear old friends" and she thought that a male perspectiv might help her understand my point of view.

 

So she opened her heart to him and he started to advise her. I recognized immediately that his "advice" was really manipulations to reinforce her negative feelings about the problems in our marriage. I checked this guy (who was also married) out and learned that he was at the time having affairs with three other married women at once! I asked him about it and he confirmed that the rumors were true. I told my wife about this and warned her off. I was told I was just jealous. I told her that I had never felt jealously in my life and I knew what was happening; he was deliberately trying to drive a wedge between us.

 

About a week later, his wife learned of a year-long affair he'd been having and that he'd been visiting prostitutes for kinky sex almost their whole married lives. She booted him. He had nowhere to go, so my wife invited him to stay the night in our guest room. He got a bit drunk and admitted to all sorts of bad behavior. But he wasn't so drunk that he couldn't continue with his little plan for my wife. He worked her right in front of me and at one point made a big show of rubbing my wife's crotch in front of me. I acted as if I didn't see it. She reacted with horror and asked me when we went to bed what he could have possibly thinking to do somthing so inappropriate. I told her that it was all part of his plan to drive a wedge between us. I was supposed to respond with jealous outrage and kick the both of them out. I warned her again to put some distance between thetwo of them and suggested that since he has started "advising" her, we had ceased to make any progress in solving our issues. Indeed they had got worse.

 

A few days later, she got a desperate call from him at about 10 am. He was in a crisis. He didn't know how he was going to be able to carry on without his beloved wife! He needed to see her. Would she please, please, please meet him for lunch at his *hotel*. She went and that afternoon their affair started. I suspected it and confronted her point blank about it when I got hom that evening. She admitted that she had had sex with him. I remained calm and told her that we needed professional help. I asked her to end the relationship. All work on our marriage ceased immediately and therapy did no good. She swore that she had broken it off with him, but when my attorney pulled the cell phone records, they showed that she'd had regular and long conversations for the several months that elapsed between then and the time she filed for divorce.

 

I don't hate this man, since he obviously has some very serious mental problems. But I do blame him, at least in part, for the ruin of my marriage. But I blame my ex-wife just as much, since I tried to warn her off.

[supermom]

Thanks for the reply...

 

See before I would of blamed the OM for all of it, but your wife had an obligation to you and should of listened to you all along.

 

I have felt like a little weight has lifted since I posted that.

 

Thank you for sharing..

[fanou22]

Supermom,

 

Read the love addiction on OW/OM. All (or at least the majority) of OW identify with the love addiction to some point. Hopefully, it would help you understand..

[supermom]

thanks fanou

 

i did read it and it helped. i saw some of it in me too.

 

thanks

[stillrnin]

I agree with you supermom and have a more difficult task ahead. My husbands xOW still works with him and is marketing his company with others. There will be social functions that we are going to have to go to that she and her husband will be. She acted as a predator for about 3 months and they began with the emotional affair before taking it to sexual. During their affair she would come to social and sporting events that I was involved in. So, there I was not knowing for sure, but suspecting that she and my husband were in an affair. My husband broke off the affair a day before I found the texted messages and pager messages that were saved. We are now in counselling. We are actually better now than for the last two years.

I have difficulty accepting that she still works with him and I will have to see her. She is a constant reminder of the affair. It has only been 2 1/2 months since I found out about the affair. Much too soon to really think clearly about the upcoming event where I will see her.

There is the fact that he is the one I need to be mad at and I have been, but I feel violated by this woman that tried her best to lure him to her. She didn't just want an affair she wanted to leave her husband for mine and created dreams around what life would be like with my husband. She tells my husband that I won and shouldn't be upset about her working with him. There are no winners in an affair. We all suffer.

I would like to meet with her and get some things off my chest if we are going to have to see each other in the future. She still proclaims to love my husband which leads me to believe that she will have difficulty seeing he and I together (her problem). Mine is the fear that I will not be able to be in the same room with her without saying something sophomoric.

It appears, from all the posts, that there are very few new scenarios about affairs. So, there has to be someone out there that has dealt with this problem. It would be best if she fell off the face of the earth. In Lieu of that I will accept that she move on out of our lives

[supermom]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation stillrnin.

 

You know, I think that is what the major beef is between the wives and the OW, is the VIOLATION the wife feels like....that woman knows how my husband kisses, has sex, etc.. and it is a violation.

 

I just realized this by reading your post. Thank you.

[Mr Spock]

Ok still, you need to ask YOUR husband some serious questions as well. Do not allow yourself or him to place the blame soley at her feet. No one held a gun to his head and forced him to sleep with her. Remember that, or it might happen again. It's easy to make her out to be the agressor and the evil one instead of placing equal blame on the one you love.

[supermom]

Mr. Spock,

 

I understand what you are saying...the husband is the one who made the vows. What I think the reason for the wives being so mad at the OW at first is the violation.

 

Not necessarily saying that it's right or wrong..I'm just hoping for some of the OW/OM out there to maybe understand why we wives blame the OW first..

 

I don't know...the cheaters are not only cheating on their spouses, but cheating on themselves IMHO. They will untimately suffer. If they lose their marriage over it, the cheating spouse will one day think "damn I shouldn't of done that" maybe, I would hope so.

 

Mr. Spock, what is your take? Do you defend the OW because why? Is it because they are bashed more often?

 

IMO I feel more for the OW who are lied to about the MM's marital status, but what I don't feel for are the OW who knowingly enter the "relationship" knowing there is a family behind the man.

 

Do you think I'm being outragous or am I making sense?