Author newguy21 Posted July 4, 2004 Author Posted July 4, 2004 Ok so here is the deal i, i have been seeing this girl for about 2 months now and things have been going good. We go out often, have fun, ect. She lives at home and i have my own place and everything seems to be going good. Now the part i am so confused about because i dont know what to do. She is going on a trip with her ex-boyfriend, for a week and they are staying in this nice hotel all romantic and stuff and i dont know how i am supposed to feel about this. She has stayed in contact with her ex since they split and they talk almost everyday and they even still hang out together which i dont really like but what can i do? Their relationship from what i know was good, except they began acting like a bored old couple and that is why they split, they lived together and even talked about marriage (more her). What am i supposed to do here, i mean my friends say it is not cool for her to go and she says they are just friends and planned this before they had ever broken up and she is not canceling the trip nor is he. I dont even know if he is seeing anyone new, but i just somehow dont think i can be ok with this. Would anyone here want their girlfriend/boyfriend going on a trip with their ex? I want to tell her not to go but is that even fair? What if they hook up? What if they discover they want to be together again?, i am so confused as to how to act, what to do, and say to her about it. Please help me here......
Fritz Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Can you tell her or "order" her not to go? No. You can tell her you don't like it at all and don't want her to go though. No sane person would like a situation like this. Who goes on a trip like that with their "ex" when their dating someone else? Anyway, this whole thing is not cool. In fact its such a load of bull puckey its almost comical. Dump her like yesterday's garbage. It seems that her her heart is still pining away for the ex.
LatsyrcSC Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 I'd say confront her about it yourself. Let her know how you feel. If she still insists on going because "it was planned before they broke up" then she's just a selfish person and you diserve better. If she can't see how this might hurt you, then she's just trash in my opinion.
Author newguy21 Posted July 4, 2004 Author Posted July 4, 2004 i did talk to her about it, but its no use she says she is going no matter what and that i should trust her. I just dont see how you can go on a trip with an ex and expect it to be platonic and just be friends without the potential to hook up or gain old feelings back you know, is what i told her. I also told her it hurts my feelings because what am i supposed to feel, it feels as though i am being held on a string. She said not to worry "we are just friends" but come on, guys help me out what should i do? Dont you guys think there is a potential for them to do so many things and even get back together? It just does not seem right, and what do you guys make of them staying in touch so often even after their breakup. I know she had strong feelings for him as did he, that is why i am so worried because i really like this girl and dont want to lose her. I am so confused right now its like i am in shock, what do i do? I know what you guys said if she goes and she does not respect my feelings dump her, but what if i am making this out to be more than what it is and i blow this? What if i should just let it be and go with the flow, would you guys do it? Or is this a big deal? We only have 2 months together so it would be best to let go now then later right?
Swamp Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Yeah you SHOULD trust her, but I don't think you should have to trust her. Please be stronger about this issue than I have been man. The girl I dated for 6 months never lost contact with her ex either. Eventually I was too deep into it with her to just back off, so I gave her **** about it and she agreed with me. She still didn't change. So a couple of weeks ago he is leaving for the army and doesn't have a place to stay. Wham, just like that, she tells him to stay with her. Not only did they stay together, they stayed in the SAME BED TOGETHER! Ugh, I need to rid myself of this girl. She kept telling me to not let her do it to me anymore, but I stuck around because I really do like her. Trust me, I wasn't exactly laid back about it, we had a lot of arguments and she felt really inconsiderate about it. So I wasn't letting her torture me or anything, but I think it affected us for the negative. She misses HIM now that he is gone. She was completely turned upside down for me up until he left, but now she is almost lifeless for me. It really sucks. The point is; I very much encourage you to back away from this. I know it would be better if I didn't put up with this girl's crap any longer, but something keeps me here. Even if it's just to prove a point to her, cut it off for a while. That is a very sticky situation, and it is unfair of her to expect you to be fine with it. Definitely dump her like yesterday's garbage.
Author newguy21 Posted July 4, 2004 Author Posted July 4, 2004 Man thats tough and i see your point. We have not really argued about it because i know if we do it will be a big mess so i am trying to make my voice heard while being relaxed about it you know. I am also worried though because this is like a romantic getaway, they are staying in the same room, same bed, and this dude has a lot going for him too, he has a good job, school, house, blah blah.... I go to school and work which i know does not matter but still it bugs me, i dont know i am just worried but i do think some other girl with no feelings for her ex even just being friends would not go on a trip. That is too much of a risk for things to happen and get involved again. I guess its true though if she is willing to do this now and they are always going to maintain a friendship because there is nothing i could say to make her stop contact with him, then i should let go now then later, i need a girl who is 100% into me and the relationship right? Like i said they hang out, always talk, watch movies at his place, and have been planning what they will do on their trip together, man who knows they may even be hooking up and i am here like an idiot. i just wanted an outside point of view because my friends all tell me to tell her to go to hell.......but they are not in my shoes...
LatsyrcSC Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 I have to say, from a woman's perspective, the way she is doing you is wrong. I know you like this girl, but look at the position she's putting you in. If she cared about you, she'd have the common decency to turn this vacation down (or atleast get her on room or let you come along). I question her intentions BIG TIME. All I saw were red flags when I red your post. Something's very fishy about this and you better keep your eyes open. Like you said, they could get back together after this. I mean it's a romantic place and everything..you never know. Just be careful if you decide to stay with her.
Fritz Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Listen to your friends. This girl is not worth it. You're the backup plan/sex toy/jealousy tool while she tries to work it out with the ex. You should trust her but her actions aren't doing much to inspire that trust. Words mean jack & s**t, and dude, jack's leavin town with your "girlfriend". Let her go, and move on to someone who actually wants to be with you and respects you and shows you love.
Author newguy21 Posted July 4, 2004 Author Posted July 4, 2004 You are all right, its sucks though because like i said i like her and we get along very well, but yea she should not go if she cared for me, i mean i know she cares for me, at least she told me she was going with him, what if she never told me you know. I guess i could tell her go and its over, stay and we can move on, right? But like i said she is not giving up this trip.....damn......they may be friends and all but come on, your on a romantic trip with an ex, of course hooking up is likely dont you guys think? Oh and she did say he has a girlfriend as well so no worries, but who knows how she is taking it....basically my girl is reinforcing the fact that it is a platonic trip....please, give me a break. I am just baffled, this is something out of the movies or stuff that should be on a comic strip. AHHHHHHH, i guess i am going to have to let her go, i mean i dont want to be with her while she is gone, what if they do hook up then i am gone and if they dont she still has me, who wants to be runner up?
Fritz Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Well, ultimatiums rarely work and in this case I don't see the point as she seems determined to go. She knows how you feel, reiterate that and let her make her choice. When she goes on the trip, you go on in life without her. She says he has a gf? So what. Have you met this mythical gf? Do you three hang out together? Do all 4 of you hang out together? Do you know these people well? Doesn't sound like it. I know it hurts man but I think you'd be better off moving on.
sami Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 You need to be very honest about your feelings. If you are not for it just tell her that. If she decides to go nevertheless then you have no place my friend. Leave her for her ex.
XYZ Posted July 4, 2004 Posted July 4, 2004 Hey, Putting myself into your situation, I can say that this is a sad and a scary story. You have to be really open and honest with your girlfriend. You have every right in this world to ask her not to go with her ex, since you are not just a random guy in her life... You are her boyfriend. But if I were you, if my girlfriend insisted on going with her ex, I would never ever be with that girl... Don't take it as an advice, this is my personal view. But you deserve some respect. To be honest with you, I would think twice before having this girl in my life. Because even if she didn't go with her ex, even the idea of it would be a major disrespect. I hope she never goes and she apologizes to you and everything works out well. But there are many many girls out there who would show you the respect to your love. Good luck!
Author newguy21 Posted July 4, 2004 Author Posted July 4, 2004 I dont know her ex at all, we have never met, nor would i think of hanging out with him. Your right she could have just made up the whole girlfriend thing so as to make me feel better. I do know however that they talk a lot, is this common? He even sends her flowers and fruit baskets to her work just to say hello, what is that about? I am pissed and a bit hurt, i really just need to talk to her, i guess i will do it tonight, we are going to be together for 4th of july. I will let you guys know what happens, but thank you sooo much for your help, i really appreciate it and any further input would be very vaulable to me so thankx to you guys who read this and take time to reply.
undecided Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 i dont think you can make her not go. i would leave her for comprimising your trust and putting herself knowingly in a position that negativly affects the relationship. cut that headcase loose.
confusedashell Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 well i talked to her about it and she is intent on going. they have always maintained contact and they talk often, she is going for sure and says i should trust her because they are only friends. i really like her but this is not fair, how am i supposed to be ok witht the fact that they are going to a romantic beach vacation, stay in some resort in the same room and nothing is going to happen? 7 days is how long they will be gone, a lot can happen dont you guys think? this is just not right, i am so confused and upset about it. what can i do?
Phelly Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 If it were me, I'd give an ultimatum. Now I hate to give ultimatums, and I would explain this to her very careful and very deliberately. They usually end up bad, because nobody likes to have their hand forced. And by the same token, I hate to force someone's hand, but in this case it is justified. I would tell her that as much as I hate to say it, she's going to have to choose between her ex-bf and her current one. They planned this trip before they broke up, but plans change, and the proof is in the very reason why they should not go on this trip in the first place: They broke up. I would explain that until this trip, that I had every reason to trust her, and no reason not to. I didn't like her hanging out with this guy but in my heart I knew I could trust her. But this week-long getaway with an ex-bf, which was obviously planned to be a romantic setting (considering it was planned before they broke up) isn't about trust. Dogs are the most loyal creatures on earth but if I put a piece of meat in my dog's face and tell him not to eat it, he will not listen, no matter how much he loves me. she might get pissed about being likened to a dog though, so that's why i don't envy you in your dilemma I would tell her that she doesn't deserve to be told what to do, but at the same time I don't deserve to wonder for a week(or possibly for life) why my GF chose her ex-bf over me. And as much as a torture that question would be, in the end it would not matter why. All that matters is that she did. Every piece of logic and any unbiased 3rd person party will agree, that this trip is a bad idea. It's too easy to forget why you broke up in the first place. It's far too risky and I don't think she is lying to you, I think she is lying to herself. That's why I'd get rid of this chick if she has no sympathy for your side of the story. If she cares more for herself/her ex more than she cares for you/her, then there is a fatal flaw in the relationship that will tear you apart later if not sooner. That would be my conclusion, anyway. Oh and the reason I would give an ultimatum rather than just leaving is because I would want to give her the choice. I always try to avoid making up someone else's mind for them. (I know she already said she won't cancel, but I would give her the final chance to reconsider, in light of your decision to leave if she will not)
Author newguy21 Posted July 5, 2004 Author Posted July 5, 2004 well i talked to her and she is definetly going on this trip, no changing her mind. she said she has never been out of the country and this was something she has always wanted to do, they are only friends and i shoudl trust her but if i cant then so be it. i think i am right and she is wrong, there is too much potential here for them to rekindle the old flame, am i right or wrong? how could you possibly go out on vacation with an ex and expect to be friends without ever hooking up? maybe i am overthinking this, but they may be going as friends and come back as something else. its hard to be able to trust her in this situation, i mean on regular i do trust her even when they talk or hang out but this my friends is different. Any girls here? would you go on a trip with an ex that YOU broke up with? without any old feelings? they have been broken up now for about 4 months but maintained contact, do you guys think there are still some feelings there? how on earth can i possibly be ok with this, there is no freakin way, what guy in his right mind says "sure go out of town with your EX, have fun, see you in a week" thats crazy!!!!! WHY? WHY? WHY?..........I am sorry i just cant wrap my head around this enough to even make sense of it, THIS IS NUTS!!!!!!
Debster Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 Who care if you are right or wrong. What matters is that her actions are hurting you. She is aware that her actions are hurting you and she doesn't care. That to me, is the writing on the wall. I wouldn't give her an ultimatum. Why would you want a girlfriend who is so insensitive? I would just tell her to go to hel*. BTW, a male friend does NOT send flowers to a female friend at work unless a) something major has happened to that person (ie death in family, promotion, etc.) or b) they are more than friends. I have the feeling this woman is seeing both of you.
nicki Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 wow, what a tough situation....you don't want to lose her, but you don't want to put up with this situation. i'd say listen to your gut. i get the serious impression that she is playing you, even though she probably likes you very much. it's just that she can't break things off with her ex -- and it sounds like she never really did anyway. i don't much like issuing ultimatums either, but i look at it more like you are telling her your boundaries. she will respect you a LOT more if you tell her that you think you deserve better than her going away with her ex on vacation, and while you can't control whether or not she goes, you CAN control whether or not you are there for HER when she gets back....women RESPECT men who are confident...and if she still goes, then you will feel better about yourself for another more deserving woman to see. if you still want to try to salvage things with her, you might try asking her if you could buy out his half of the vacation. that way you two could go together, if it's the actual trip she is after anyway. or you ask her to have him buy her out....any way you look at it, if she goes with him, it's over for the two of you...you will resent her way too much later.... take it from another woman, i would NEVER do this a boyfriend and expect to get away with it...why does she think she can? repeat after me: I DESERVE TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO TREATS ME WELL. I DESERVE BETTER THAN WHAT SHE CAN GIVE ME....then go out with someone else while she is on her vacation...you will feel better if the power is equalized....
LatsyrcSC Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 She probably feels like you're a nice enough guy to put up with all this. Please be smart about this. I know it hurts, but better to hurt a little bit now then hurt a LOT later. I personally would not go on vacation with an ex if I was currently seeing someone. Gosh that is SUCH a selfish thing to do!!!
undecided Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 you should think about ending it now, or it will bother you more. or end it as soon as she gets back. youre right it isnt fair to you. its absolutly ludacris. but she must not care much about your feelings and is taking advantage of your trust. keep your pimp hand strong.
Phelly Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 Originally posted by Debster I wouldn't give her an ultimatum. Why would you want a girlfriend who is so insensitive? Originally posted by nicki i don't much like issuing ultimatums either, but i look at it more like you are telling her your boundaries. Both are good points. But it's my assumption that she doesn't know the full extent to which she's damaging this relationship. I would make it crystal clear before I up and left her. That is assuming, of course, that she truly doesn't want more than "friendship" with her ex. If her and her ex "never really boke it off" then she knows damn well what she's doing but I would still want to make it clear that I don't want to be part of this little game she's playing, and that she needs to choose once and for all who is more important to her. Either way I think an ultimatum would accomplish that. But I certainly understand those who say to just dump her. It sounds a lot like she doesn't care about how you feel. Can't much argue with that. No matter what happens though, I would think that if she goes on this trip that it's the end of your relationship(she obviously doesn't respect you enough). That would be my conclusion, anyway.
Fritz Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 Well, to be honest newguy21..you're being taken for a ride. He sends her flowers at work? I think now that an ulitmatum is pretty much the way to go, to perhaps at least wake her up and you'll come out feeling better about your own self-respect. Every piece of logic and any unbiased 3rd person party will agree, that this trip is a bad idea. It's too easy to forget why you broke up in the first place. It's far too risky and I don't think she is lying to you, I think she is lying to herself. That's why I'd get rid of this chick if she has no sympathy for your side of the story. If she cares more for herself/her ex more than she cares for you/her, then there is a fatal flaw in the relationship that will tear you apart later if not sooner. That would be my conclusion, anyway. Well said.
Author newguy21 Posted July 5, 2004 Author Posted July 5, 2004 Thanx for your help, i can give her an ultimatium but as i said before she is going and thats final. she will not cancel this trip and she said it has nothing to do with picking him over me, they are friends and thats it. nothing is going to happen on this trip and if i cant trust her so be it. she is going guys and i cant do a damn thing about it, so i guess now should i wait for her and hope they truly just do the friend thing or should i move on. what if they are just friends and i am blowing this out of porportion. the other side is what if they do hook up and she does not tell me or they get back together. and i even tried saying let me go i will buy the ticket or pay for your half so he can take someone else, but she says no, they have tickets already in their names and they are non transferable, plus he paid for everything and she does not want to do that to him...the only choice is he go alone or they not go at all, but as she says he spent money on this and it would not be fair.....he asked her to go and she said yes and thats that, what can i do......
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