My husband is in touch with his ex - I'm scared to lose him

[Elena]

Not sure if this is the right forum to post this. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have two children. When we met, we were both in the military. He still is, I'm at home with the kids now. When we dated, we were both stationed overseas, and it was an on-again, off-again relationship. We broke things off for a while, and he met a local girl at a bar and started seeing her. At first I thought she was just somebody he had sex with and would be back, but he got very serious about her. I think he really loved her. While he was seeing her, we remained friends. I also dated other guys, mostly because I hoped he would be jealous and get back to me, but he didn't seem to care. Anyway, he proposed to this girl but she turned him down, because she didn't want to leave her native country to get back to the US with him. He was very upset and even tried to extend his tour to stay with her, but there was nothing he could do. I saw this as my chance to get him back, and after a few weeks of being back with him, I "convinced" him to get engaged to me. I really thought I had "won" him back. We were engaged for several years and only got married when I got pregnant with our first child. I was a bit upset that he never pushed that hard for a wedding date, considering that he would have married his ex immediately if she had said yes. But as long as I "got" him, I thought it was OK. Funny how all that mattered to me back then was that I got him back.

 

To make a long story short, I just found out that his ex contacted him about a year ago by e-mail. My husband forgot to logg out of his yahoo account and I saw it. When I recognized her name, I couldn't help myself and just had to read their correspondence. She now lives in the US also and is divorced with a young child. When she first mailed him, my husband replied to her e-mail within hours, even though he hadn't seen or heard from her in more than 10 years, and even though their breakup was very ugly. It also turns out that my husband tried to get back with her about six months after they had broken up. She turned him down because she already had a new boyfriend and because he was engaged to me. They have been exchanging mails and photos, and even though the mails are mainly just friendly, there is a sexual tension and flirting, and it hurts. I hate to say it, but that woman is younger than me and looks very pretty. My husband keeps piling on the compliments in his mails, how he thinks she is still so very beautiful, and how he always admired her good taste, etc. She lives on the other end of the country, so there is no chance that they could have sex, but they almost met when my husband was being sent to some military training school near where she lives. That school date got cancelled by the military and my husband's mail to her sounded very upset and he said that he was so very sorry that they didn't get to meet. In his mails, my husband also never talks about me, only about the children, because she talks about her child as well. She has asked about "his family", but he changes the subject on her.

 

I'm very upset about all this. I truly feel now that I was second choice for my husband, that he would have much rather been with her than with me. I thought he had all forgotten about this woman and that I was the most important person in his life. He knows I would be very hurt by him being in touch with her, because she is the one who almost stole him away from me. I never worried about my husband cheating on me, even when he was deployed, but I'm getting panicky because this woman is my worst competition. Can a man still have strong feelings for a woman he knew more than ten years ago? What is his motivation for mailing her, sending her pictures, and staying in touch? It is so pathetic how he only sends her the most flattering pictures of himself, as if to impress her. Does he just want an ego boost? Should I confront him? I've known this for about 2 months, and I'm not sure how/if to bring it up. He had always been very defensive when the subject of "her" came up during conversations, I could never talk badly about her. Is there a chance he would leave me and the kids to get back to a former flame? I'm really scared and I'm not sure how to handle this. Please help.

[Arabess]

It sounds like a mess you can't keep avoiding. Without confronting him...how will you settle the issue??? Not only that....but you need to decide what you want to do about it.

 

I'm sure this is a very painful time for you. He has no right to do what he is doing. I would put his A$$ out in a heartbeat....but that's me. LOL!

 

Make copies of the emails. Your attorney, should you chose to get one, might need a copy.

[Elena]

The thing is they haven't really done anything except reminisce about the "good old days", and how much fun they had back then. That's why I'm trying to hold back, so I won't chase him into her arms. They haven't talked on the phone, as far as I could tell from their mails, and there are no plans of meeting. It seems as if they are both holding back, trying to be "just friends". But the flirting and the sexual tension is still there. I just wonder what his motivations are to type "harmless" mails to her, even from his job, when I know he is up to his eye balls in work. Maybe I'm just making a big deal about it? I know he was really crazy for her back then, but I'm not sure about now. Could he really still be in love with her?

[Arabess]

Whether he loves her or not wouldn't be the point for me.

 

The point for me would be...that he is DISREPECTING me enough to have this 'cyber deal' going on with another woman. Granted, people flirt endlessly on the net.....but there is a time and place. What he is doing with his ex is totally out of line.

 

If you DO bring it up and he doesn't cease his 'relationship' with her......why would you want him anyway? It'll be an endless heartache and you feeling like you do now.

 

Couples can work stuff out....but it's going to take some communication between the two of you. If he gets angry when you bring it up though.....what are you supposed to do...ignore it????

[EnigmaXOXO]

I’m so sorry, Elena. I can only imagine how gut-wrenching the pain, confusion and worry must be for you now.

 

But I have to agree whole-heartedly with Arabess. For me, it would matter little whether or not these two have had sex, or if there were still miles between them. The fact that, after eight years and two children, he is still pining after her and attempting to win back her affections would be the breaking point for me.

 

Unrequited love for some people can become a tragic obsession. ‘The one that got away’ and the inability to accept or move beyond those crushing feelings of rejection and ‘not being good enough’ can severely alter one’s own perception of how they see themselves and how they function within relationships thereafter.

 

Interestingly enough, your husband’s addiction to this woman may have very little to do with ‘sex’ at all. The driving force behind this type of obsessive love is not always sexual gratification, but rather reciprocation of romantic interest and devotion. In other words, your husband hasn’t gotten over the past and he’s still trying to prove to himself that he’s worthy of this woman’s love.

 

I really thought I had "won" him back. . . I was a bit upset that he never pushed that hard for a wedding date, considering that he would have married his ex immediately if she had said yes. But as long as I "got" him, I thought it was OK. Funny how all that mattered to me back then was that I got him back. . . I thought he had all forgotten about this woman and that I was the most important person in his life.

 

I imagine, to some extent, you have/are suffering from same symptoms of the classic ‘unrequited love’ as your husband. You have been competing for his affection and love since the beginning, trying to prove you are worthy. And still, even knowing you have always stood second in line, you are unable to let him go. You’re so afraid of losing him to this other woman (again), that you even hesitate to confront him with the emails for fear of driving him back into her arms.

 

You shouldn’t have to compete for someone’s love, Elena. Good, healthy relationships don’t work that way. And never feel that just because you don’t come first in someone’s life, that you aren’t worthy. You have been putting far too much energy and time into a someone who isn’t able to appreciate all you have to offer, while at the same time, he has been doing the same.

[curiousgeorge]

I am so very sorry to hear about your pain. But I agree and now you are getting a man's perspective. I would definately confront this problem head on with your husband. I don't think for one minute they are talking about old times. I think you mentioned that they almost had plans to meet. That is stepping over the line. It would be one thing to be friends with an occasional e-mail. But this is way different and you have to nip it in the bud before something drastic happens.

 

Part of the problem here is something I am sure you are aware of. You knew of course that when you married your husband that he was way into someone else than he was into you. You chose to be with someone who was in love with someone else. And you convinced him to marry you. When in reality you should have been with someone who wholeheartedly wanted to be with you. When you made that decision you should have been aware of the risk that this man may leave you one day. I don't mean to cause you pain. I know that choice was made when you were young and out of total passion and love for the man you married.

 

Anyway, I wish the best for you. But I think you must confront it. The chips have to fall sometime. If I were you, I would rather they fall in full view of my eyes than behind my back.

 

Good luck

[Elena]

I just wanted to thank everybody for their advice. I'm thinking about confronting my husband about it this weekend. I found an e-mail from her to him in which she basically told him how much she loved him back then AND NOW (!), how she regretted that they never got together, and that she always imagined how my husband and she would be married one day. She said she didn't mean to turn him down back then, but was just scared of commitment at that time. She then asked him all kinds of questions about things that happened back then, and about his and my relationship back then and now. My husband didn't respond to that mail for many weeks, and I thought this meant things were over for him because she got too personal. However, he now has responded to her, and I'm not sure wether it's good news or not.

 

He wrote her that he was trying to respond without getting himself into trouble - whatever he meant with that! He told her that he "thought" he loved her back then but that it was probably a combination of being emotional, being scared about going to war and physical attraction. That made me feel a bit better - so he wasn't that much in love with her after all. However, he told her that she was and is a good friend and "part of his life." That he still finds her very attractive today and how he remembered how great their sex life was back then - eeewww!!!! He then told her that he was happy when he was dating her back then and that he was upset when things were over between them. He told her that she "got to him" faster than I did, even though he had known me longer, and how she and I were the only two women he ever really opened up to. He told her that he and I got married "in a hurry" when I was pregnant and that it was hard to explain how things went, but he "guessed it all worked out". I'm taking this as a hint to her that our marriage is fine and to back off. His whole letter to her sounded very erratic and confused. He apologized to her for having hurt her (I don't know what he is referring to here) and that he would write more later. He then told her that if she had more questions to feel free to ask. He also gave her his cellphone number from work, if she ever need to get hold of him!!

 

I'm really not sure what to do now. How do you interpret what he was telling her? I'm relieved that he didn't tell her that he still loves her and that he even downplayed his feelings for her back then. But why doesn't he tell her that he is happily married and to leave him alone? I'm still worried that if I confront him, I may push him away from me toward her. He is the love of my life, I can't stand the thought of losing him or even "sharing" him with this woman. Can he just be "friends" with her, as he implied in his letter? She lives far away, so even if he is attracted to her, she is far away. Why did he give her the cell number? I'm very confused and would love your input once again.

[befuddled11]

Putting her aside for a minute, how is your relationship with your husband? You obviously had a rocky start, but how have things been over the years? What place are both you at now, in terms of your love, friendship, etc?

 

Does he tell you and SHOW YOU that he loves you?

 

Are you truly the "best of friends"?

 

Is he affectionate to you, without you having to give affection first?

 

Other than this "ex", does he make you feel secure in your relationship/marriage?

 

How is your ability to communicate with one another?

 

I think you're wise in your belief that if you don't handle this correctly, you COULD end up pushing him into her arms. A lot of women wouldn't even think about that possibility, but you're smart.

 

I think it's quite a relief that in his email to her, he pretty much minimized the feelings he had for her back then, and that he didn't even admit to loving her then (or now, still).

 

However....I'd be a little leary about HER agenda. If she's newly divorced, she's likely somewhat vulnerable and feeling lonely. She obviously still either does or "thinks" she has feelings for him. Now how much influence she has over him, and how strong YOUR marriage is, are what's going to affect the outcome here.

 

If I were in your shoes, part of me would be awfully tempted to email her myself.....and nicely, kindly and firmly let her know that although you respect the fact that she and your husband had a past together, that this is now.....he's happily married, has a family and you are his wife who very much loves him, and he very much loves you.

 

HOWEVER.....I don't know how this would "go over." Of course she'd naturally probably let him know you'd contacted her..and then the cat would be out of the bag.....he'd then know you had read their emails, and the sh*t could really hit the fan....with him feeling his privacy was breached, feeling awkward and embarassed, etc......and he COULD turn it all back onto you and you're need to "snoop" and not trust him.

 

That might not be a good idea. However, now that he's given her his cell #, you might not be privy to a lot of their future conversations. That's what would concern me.

 

The only thing I think you should do is to knock him off his feet with love and kindness and if the spark has sort of dwindled over the years (as is common), think of ways to rekindle it. If you can, arrange to take him somewhere for the weekend....doesn't have to be anywhere far away, just to a neighboring city.....to a Bed & Breakfast...just to get away, the 2 of you. SHOW HIM how much you love and appreciate him, even more than you likely do now. Little surprises, do little things that show you him care and think about him during the day, write him a letter yourself and tell him how much you love him, what a great husband and father he is......letters are good because they're tangible and the person can re-read it, and have time to process it all. Show him RIGHT NOW...that he's got the greatest women ever, he will never need anyone else......know what I mean?

 

Keep us posted, and post here whenever you need to. I'll keep you in my thoughts as I know how hard this must be, it would be scary.....I'm not sure if I were in your shoes that I'd be able to remain as calm and clear-thinking as you're doing.

[Elena]

I have to revive this old thread....Since the last time I posted, a lot has happened. I confronted my H in May of 2004 year, and things got very ugly. He was pissed that I would "hack" into his account, and told me that she was and is part of his life and that was something he just couldn't and wouldn't erase. Well, he also told me that his ex told him that she sent two letters to him, and I have to admit, I intercepted and destroyed them. The first letter arrived shortly before we got married. It was sent to his military address, but since he was deployed at the time, I got it and I read and destroyed it. All it said was that she was happily married but that she wanted him to know that she had been pregnant by him (my H) but lost the baby. I was so worried that she was really trying to win him back and decided it was best keep it from my H. The second letter was years later, when I was pregnant with our second child. He was deployed again and I also read and destroyed the letter because she said that she was divorced and wanted to see how he was, etc. My H didn't say anything about those letters to me after she told him because he wanted to keep his contract to her from me. But after I confronted him, he threw it in my face and told me that I had betrayed his trust. This whole thing caused a lot of tension between us, and things were pretty bad.

 

Somehow, he stopped contact with her and he even closed his yahoo account. Until about Christmas of 2004 I thought things were getting better. Then I found out he had opened a hotmail and a g-mail account, and the mails between them had not only continued but gotten more intense. He told her things about our (non-existand, in his words) sex life, and that if he had married her, he would make love to her six times a day, and they would have a bunch of kids, and that she was the most beautiful woman on the planet, and how she had a "good heart", etc. He also sent pictures of our kids to her when she asked him, and they had talked on the phone a few times as well. He was telling her how he was hoping to get stationed near where she lives, and for a while that was really going to happen, but at the last minute, his orders were changed. We are now stationed even farther away from her, and even though I should be happy that he is with the kids and me all the time, after having a long distance relationship for almost three years, I can't enjoy our good fortune, because I wonder if he thinks of her still. He doesn't know that I found his new mail accounts because he'll get mad again for being "snooped", but what can I do? I love this man, and I don't want to lose him. He did stop being in touch with her for almost four months after she told him that she wouldn't have a physical affair with him since he was married and she didn't want to be second best. That relieved me for a while, and during those four months of NC between them, things got better between us. The stress of moving has been very hard for us though, and we were fighting a lot.

 

This is getting long, I apologize for rambling, but I don't know if my H is a ticking time bomb or not. As of Christmas I know that she sent him nude pictures of herself in an attempt to get him to write to her again. He did respond to her and told her that things at home were "not going well" and that's why he hadn't written her. He has not written her since, but has looked at her pics quite a few times.

 

How can I get him to stop writing to her without trying to control him? If she is just an ego boost for him, should I just tolerate it and feel sorry for her? There is virtually no chance that they can meet in person, unless she takes a ten hour flight out here, and she can't get away from her job or her son. Should I just let it go until it gets old for him? This has been going on for nearly three years. There were times of NC between them, mostly because H has been busy and not responding to her. On other occassions, he sent her up to five mails within a few days panicking because she hadn't written in a few weeks. I don't know what to make of this.

[amerikajin]

This is getting long, I apologize for rambling, but I don't know if my H is a ticking time bomb or not.

 

Your question above is answered by the following disturbing facts:

 

As of Christmas I know that she sent him nude pictures of herself in an attempt to get him to write to her again.

 

He did respond to her and told her that things at home were "not going well" and that's why he hadn't written her.

 

...but has looked at her pics quite a few times.

 

You already know the answer to this, I'm afraid. You don't want to acknowledge this truth, but this truth is there whether you like it or not. And the truth is, this is dangerously well beyond a mere 'ego boost'. The only reason they have not had sex is because they have not figured out a way to get together without your knowing about it. I suspect your husband is trying to find some way to get her closer so that he can maybe go away for a few days 'on a fishing trip with the boys' (or some other excuse to get away) without your suspecting that something is up.

 

How can I get him to stop writing to her without trying to control him?

 

I don't think that's the question you should be asking. I think the question is, what do you want for the future? Obviously, you want a marriage with him, but sadly, it appears as though he is having questions about a marriage with you. I know that's not what you want to acknowledge but that's the truth. There are big problems in your marriage right now, and you're just trying to act like nothing's wrong.

 

Assuming you do want to continue with the marriage, I think the next thing you have to do is confront him - and yes, this may get a little intense. But you're not in the wrong here - trust is earned, and the fact that he burned you once meant that you could not entirely just trust him on his own not to burn you again - and it looks like you were right not to trust him this time as well.

 

Having said that, I would be careful about the tone of the confrontation. All you have to be is direct and to the point; you don't have to yell or scream or go on the warpath, because even though you may be 'right' in the sense that he's going behind your back, he may also have some things to get off his chest about the marriage in general. I think you should definitely confront him and just say matter of factly, "Well, what do you want? Where do you want to go from here? Tell me what's wrong with us?" Stay on topic here and don't get into sidebar stuff.

 

But I repeat: do not ignore this. Do not assume that because they are separated now that they will always be separated. The only reason they haven't had sex is because they haven't figured out how to get closer together. That could change at any time.

[Elena]

Thank you america for responding. You make a lot of sense, but the situation is so strange. When I met my H, I was only 20 and he was 19. I knew right away that he was the one for me. It took him much longer to feel the same for me, and he fell for the other woman much faster. If I confront him, things are bound to get very intense and ugly, and that may push him towards her again. She has been the proverbial elephant in the room for the entire course of our marriage. All the beautiful memories I have of my H and I together when we first met are forever tainted by her, because he met her when we were on a break. You know whenever we tell people how we first met, how great things were, all the things we experienced? They all think it's the sweetest story, but they don't know there was someone else involved who nearly kept us apart. It's unspoken between him and I, but we both know it. I don't want to talk about it, because it still hurts, and he doesn't want to talk about it because it hurts him too. I want her out of my life, but for that to happen, I would have to erase all the memories I have with my H when we first met. Does that make sense?

 

How can I get her out of his system? Is my entire marriage based on a lie? Should I just give up? I fought so hard to get my H, and I don't want to lose all I have with him. I guess I feel somewhat safe since so far they are just talking but neither of them has been willing to actually go out of their way and meet up. Maybe it isn't as serious as I think? I'm so confused and I dread another confrontation with him. If he really loved me, I wouldn't have to fight with him over another woman again.

[EMJ]

He's worse than a ticking timebomb. He's more like a virus. Small, sneaky, potentially deadly.

 

"He told her things about our (non-existand, in his words) sex life, and that if he had married her, he would make love to her six times a day, and they would have a bunch of kids, and that she was the most beautiful woman on the planet, and how she had a "good heart", etc. He also sent pictures of our kids to her when she asked him, and they had talked on the phone a few times as well".

 

This is truly fricked up! How dare he send this slut your kids pictures! How completely disrespectful to you and your kids! He's thinking the grass is greener over there, but someone as selfish as he is will always be seeing greener pastures. He has been actively destroying your marriage for over 2 years now. How much crap do you intend to take?

 

Anyone who would say those things to another woman is trying to make you the shrew. Isn't that what all the OW's think, that the wife is the reason? That's how he is able to get her attention. Telling her how horrible you are to gain her sympathy. What a manipulator! He makes me sick and I don't even know him.

 

Elena, you need to protect yourself and your kids. They need one at least one stable parent. Don't be grateful for the crumbs he throws your way. Do more things without him. Maybe if he thought that you might leave and take the kids he might be willing to grow. Maybe not. Otherwise you might be forced to take his future earnings and go it alone. You can't base your future on past memories. That's all they are. Not your reality today.

 

YOU need to decide what you really want. Understand and accept that you cannot control or change someone. You have been trying that and you see it does not work. He's basicly a dishonest and sneaky person. He will continue to hurt you if you don't change your actions. You are the only one you can control.

[amerikajin]

If I confront him, things are bound to get very intense and ugly, and that may push him towards her again.

 

But he's already moving in that direction anyway, isn't he? I think the idea is to call his attention to the fact that you're aware that he's gravitating toward her. The fact that he hasn't actually done the deed yet isn't of any consolation; his actions are making it clear that he is trying to keep the option available so that he they can have a reunion whenever the opportunity arises. Right now, the only thing that's missing is that opportunity.

 

You have a choice: you can either sit and do nothing about it, and just let him do what he is doing, in which case, he will in all likelihood have an encounter with her. Or, you can confront him about it and clear the air.

 

Now I'm not saying that this will be easy, because it will be anything but that. He's going to try to cover up his own misdeeds by trying to portray you as the one who's misguided for 'snooping'. And to that I would say that's his own tough s*** for getting caught - if he were acting like a trustworthy companion you wouldn't have to snoop, but your instincts told you that he was up to something and once again, your instincts are right. And move on quickly. If he gives you any crap about snooping, then he's just wasting your time.

 

I would go into this discussion with one thing in mind and one thing only - and that is, to get him to answer one simple question: does he still want a relationship with you? If the answer is no, well, then I guess you'll just have to be prepared to deal with that. If the answer is yes, then you're first of all going to have to get him to promise to cut off all contact with her.

 

The second thing you're going to have to do is to find some way in which you guys can start taking steps to rebuild your relationship. Clearly, something is not right between you two, or he wouldn't be seeking her again. I'm not saying it's your fault, but there is something that is missing in the relationship. I think this is where you need to be more ears than mouth. You have to be prepared not only to talk, but also to listen.

 

Good luck.

[Elena]

EMJ. he really isn't like that. He is normally a very upfront and very honorable man. He holds a high rank in the military and is held to a very high standard. That's why it is so hard for me to figure out why he acts in a way that goes against everything he stand for and whatt to do. He really hasn't done anything but talk to her - even though what he's talked about hurt me. If I were to tell him that I "snooped" again, he would flip. He has always been someone who needs his independence. Living together with the kids and I has been hard on him. He has a very stressful job, and I don't want to give him grief at home on top of it. That would mess things up even more. The reason we broke up back then when he met her was because he felt he was losing his independence, and I don't want to give him the feeling of being controlled and watched again. I hate what he is doing, but I still love him with all my heart. He is a great father and it would devastate my kids if they lost him. He is good to me. Noone would suspect he is talking to another woman if you saw us. He is affectionate, a good provider, and our sex life has picked up since we've lived together again. All that would change again if I confronted him. I want to understand, not confront. If he really wanted to be with her, he would have done so by now, wouldn't he? I mean she is available and willing, but he hasn't done anything, besides talk and gawk at her pictures. I have to admit, that part bothers me a lot, but it's just a picture. I'm the one he's actually with, I have his children, I'm his wife. She's not. She's written him that she would have loved to have his kids and be married to him, so actually I have something she wants, and I'm not going to hand it to her by creating friction between him and me. I just want to know how to win him back, to make him forget her for good. I don't think having a confrontation and arguments is going to do that.

[EMJ]

Nothing will change. Independence?? I'm very Independent myself, but that does not mean I don't have a responsibility to my child and family to put them first. That is a committment I DID make. and so did he...

 

Independence can be another word for selfish and it's definitely an over rated quality, something to push people away. I know, I've done it.

 

It's clear that you are "so in Love" that you are willing to put up with this behavior. By doing what he doing, hiding e-mails, accusing YOU of being sneaky (huh ?) he's building an affair. They don't start out in bed, they start with a emotional connection that builds from there and ends up in bed.

 

"He has a very stressful job, and I don't want to give him grief at home on top of it. That would mess things up even more. The reason we broke up back then when he met her was because he felt he was losing his independence, and I don't want to give him the feeling of being controlled and watched again."

 

Wow, you have practically given him permission to carry on. Independence is another excuse to shut you out. You know there is a big problem here. Once he has begun the physical side of the affair then what? It looks like he's only steps away. I hope you get it figured out.

[loony]

This is an interesting situation. On the one hand I can understand your situation, you're desperately in love with someone who just isn't that much into you, on the other hand I have to say, I don't think he ever was yours. You can see it in his actions, there was always a lot of reluctance on his part to stay with you. You succeeded to tie him to you, but that only happened with a lot of effort on your part. His love doesn't come freely. Of course, you're not the only one to blame, he should have been strong enough not to let himself get pushed into such a serious commitment like a marriage, he shouldn't have used you as a comforter when he wasn't able to get anywhere with this girl, but that's just the way he is. He is obviously a weak person, and that's why it was possible for you to convince him that he should marry you. But you have to remember, convincing just works to a certain degree, eventually people will find something that motivates them to break out and pursue what they really want.

 

I would say, you need to take a step back and examine your feelings closer. Is clinging to him worth it? Do you really want someone who doesn't really want you and this after 10 years of marriage with you? He dated you reluctantly, he got engaged to you reluctantly, he got married to you reluctantly when you got pregnant and now it seems he is also married to you reluctantly. You did mean things like throwing out the letter she wrote to him, because you knew you wouldn't like his reaction. Don't you think you should set this poor guy finally free even when you think he is perfect for you? Obviously his heart doesn't belong to you. You have to manipulate him to stay with you, can this be called love? If you really loved him, you would let him find himself and what he wants. If he was meant to be with you he would come back. Why don't you take some time for yourself and try to find out why you felt so extremely attracted to him. Is it a void that he is filling?

 

I know it's hard to be in love and see the other person not love you back, but you are just preventing yourself from finding someone who would appreciate your affection. He doesn't want yours and to me it looks like he never did. I'm really sorry for you, this is tough what I said, but you need to wake up...

 

--

Ok, I just read your latest post. He hasn't left you yet, because he's a good responsible man and thinking of his children. Maybe he was also thinking about your marital vows. But my guess is, if it was just you and him he would have left you already. He would have resented you for holding him back from someone he really wants. I'm not even sure if he's not resenting you now.

[Elena]

I'm actually surprised what some of you have written. I have read these forums and time and time again people report that a married man doesn't leave his W, no matter if or how much he loves the OW or what he tells her. So should I really be so alarmed? Yes, I do not like the fact that this woman has intruded into our lives at all, but I really do believe that if my H really wanted to get with her, he would have by now. It's been almost three years, and they still havent' met. If I confront him, things will get ugly and our kids will suffer. If I just keep monitoring him, at least I know what's going on. I guess I really don't want any advice what to do about the situation yet, since confronting him again is out of the question right now, but rather find out how much he really cares about her and if our marriage of almost 10 years has been a lie.

 

Loony, you make it sound as if I put a gun to my H's head and get him to marry me. It wasn't quite like that. I met him about 15 years ago when we were stationed overseas. He pursued me and we went out for over a year before he decided he needed space. Shortly after that, he met that woman and told me he just wanted to be friends with me. I waited it out, since I knew he had to go back to the US soon. She didn't want to leave her native country and they broke up. I transfered to the US with him, and after a year of LDR, he asked me to move to his post. I got out of the military and moved to be with him. We lived together for about another year when I got pregnant and he was about to get deployed again. I convinced him that we should get married because I wanted my child to be taken care of if something were to happen to him. He has been a great father and husband, he tells me he loves me, he is affectionate and we had a lot of good times. When I got that first letter from her, I didn't want him to get all disdraught about her again. All she told him was that she had gotten married and that she was coming to the US. So what? That wouldn;t have changed anything between him and I, only cause unneccessary stress.

 

I'm not holding him back in any way shape or form. I have not told him to stop contact with her, and he is still with me. I doubt he would stay just for the kids, as much as his job has taken him away from us. I'm not the bad guy here who is forcing this "poor man" to stay with me. He had free will and he chose to marry me. He could have said no when I suggested it to him.

 

I hope he will get past this infatuation with this woman. I think that's what it really is. If he was interested in a future with her, he would have found a way to be with her by now. She also seems a bit wishy-wahsy about her intentions. All I need is some support to get through this and to figure out how to get his mind off her.

[EMJ]

"If I just keep monitoring him, at least I know what's going on. I guess I really don't want any advice what to do about the situation yet, since confronting him again is out of the question right now, but rather find out how much he really cares about her and if our marriage of almost 10 years has been a lie."

 

Ok, no more advice, Be the monitor(??). You clearly enjoy it and think its a solution (?) so keep on, but at some point don't you lose complete respect for someone you can't trust? just wondering..

[Elena]

"If I just keep monitoring him, at least I know what's going on. I guess I really don't want any advice what to do about the situation yet, since confronting him again is out of the question right now, but rather find out how much he really cares about her and if our marriage of almost 10 years has been a lie."

 

Ok, no more advice, Be the monitor(??). You clearly enjoy it and think its a solution (?) so keep on, but at some point don't you lose complete respect for someone you can't trust? just wondering..

 

NO EMJ, I do NOT enjoy it!! I wish this woman would drop off the face of the earth and leave my H alone. But I also know my H and know that making demands is NOT going to work. This is how I almost lost him before, and that was without another woman waiting for him. I want to keep my family together, I will not give that womand the satisfaction and start arguing over her. I want to find out somehow if he really loves her or if she is just an ego boost or whatever to him. Since their reconnection he has never told her that he loves her, but she has told him that she had "strong feelings" for him. I waited it out with her before and succeeded, and I think that is the best strategy right now again. Yes, it hurts like hell, and that's why I come here to vent, because it's killing me. But at the same time, it is very encouraging to read that no MM seems to leave their family for another woman. Why should I hand him over to her by making a scene and driving him away? Does anybody understand me?

[loony]

I don't have much time right now to explain my previous reply (I'll do it later), so I will just quickly write an answer to your claim that MM usually don't leave their wives and that therefore your marriage is not at risk. The difference between your situation and the other ones is, this is not just a frustrated bored unhappy husband and she some hot girl in the office he wants to sleep with, this is an old flame which in his eyes had the potential for a marriage made in heaven that due to external circumstances couldn't be realized. This is absolutely more than just an office affair. According to you he loved this woman very much and if he she had agreed to marry him, he would be happy with her now and not with you. He had an intense history with her when he was single, that's just not the same thing as the sneaky little affair that is based mostly on lust and the excitement of sharing a secret together, this is about two people who once had real feelings for each other without any feelings of guilt.

[Elena]

The thing is loony, she had her chance with him and she blew it. She told him no when he wanted to marry her, and he moved on. I knew him before she did, and I was there for him when her little guest appearance was over. He told me during our marriage, before she came waltzing back into his life, that he really didn't love her all that much, that he was just extremely attracted to her, but that he did care for her a lot - but not enough to pursue her anymore after he left for the US. He never made another attempt to contact her after we got married, until she wrote him again. Plus it was so long ago - in the meantime, we have been through so much, have kids together, built our own memories from scratch, and love each other. That's why I can't believe that all that can be forgotten or be less valuable than some chick from long ago. My H is a very down to earth, realistic guy, I just can't picture him leaving all that for someone he dated and almost married back then. And so far, he hasn't done anything "wrong" except communicate with her and gawk at her pictures, which I don't like at all, but I hope that this too shall pass.

[Elena]

In all fairness, I have to say that my H said that he "really didn't love her all that much" in retrospect, after we were back together. While he was with her, did tell everybody who was willing to listen that he was in love with her. But I guess he realized later that it really couldn't have been love after only such a short time. That's why I'm surprised that he still gives her the time of day now.

[EMJ]

He's giving her the time of day because he has PASSION for her.

 

You say "she had her chance with him and she blew it. She told him no when he wanted to marry her, and he moved on" Maybe she felt too young at the time, maybe she wasn't ready. That does not mean she didn't love him, and it looks like he never really DID get over her. He did not ask her to marry him because "he really didn't love her all that much". Where does that happen? Those are your words. But they don't seem to make sense.

 

You seem to think because she was not ready at the time that it closes the human heart and the door to the future. Not so. The rejected partner is frequently the one begging for another chance, to prove, to win. Men love that. To Win someone is like every contest they have been taught since they were boys. Winning is everything. It may be driving him more than you know.

 

Just because she made that mistake once, does not mean she is going to make it again. Second chances are very seductive.

 

You are in a bigger mess than you know. You can't fight with Passion, it is VERY strong, not at all rational, and frequently wins over common sense and previous commitments. I wish you the best and hope it gets sorted out.

[amerikajin]

I have read these forums and time and time again people report that a married man doesn't leave his W, no matter if or how much he loves the OW or what he tells her.

 

First of all, that's not always the case. I think it is true that in a majority of cases, affairs are about men wanting to have their cake and eating it too, but that's not always the case. And a lot of guys are just too chickens*** to break the bad news to their wives that they no longer want marriage. Sometimes men want to get out of marriages but just don't know a good way to get out cleanly, so they carry on an affair until their wives find out and then at that point, the wives are so badly injured emotionally that they end up doing the dirty work of filing for divorce. I don't think you can blanketly conclude that a man never leaves his married wife for another woman - that happens all the time.

 

Even if your husband doesn't leave you, it is still quite obvious by his behavior that he is seeking a romantic encounter with her. He may not divorce you, but trust me, if they hook up sexually and things take off from there, the only marriage you'll have after that is on paper. Is that what you want?

 

I am not saying your husband doesn't love you or that you can't save your marriage. I am saying that something is terribly wrong in your marriage right now for him to be so persistent in seeking her out, and I think you need to get to the bottom of it.

 

I really do believe that if my H really wanted to get with her, he would have by now. It's been almost three years, and they still havent' met.

 

Again, you have to ask yourself why that is? She's not living across town. She hasn't really been in the area. And maybe right now it's just fantasy, but that fantasy can become powerful and it can cloud judgment.

 

If I confront him, things will get ugly and our kids will suffer. If I just keep monitoring him, at least I know what's going on.

 

I can understand that but I think you are setting yourself up to be taken advantage of here - that's just my opinion. His actions are clearly moving in one direction, and that's away from you. Now you may not want to acknowledge this and by not confronting him you are indeed delaying a confrontation, but it seems to me that a confrontation is inevitable; it's simply a matter of when. The reason I think confronting him sooner would be better than later is because if you do it now - before he has an encounter with her - his attachment to you is stronger than it is to her. If you wait, then that's when he's feelings could become a bit confused. He may feel a little guilty on the one hand at that point, but on the other hand, there is a part of him that could develop a much stronger, more real, attachment to her...and that could leave you out of the loop.

 

I do agree, though, that it is ultimately your decision on how to handle this. I can't tell you how to deal with this as whatever you do is something you've got to feel comfortable doing. We can only give our perspective.

 

Good luck.

[loony]

Let's analyze this post.

 

it was an on-again, off-again relationship.

Doesn't look like it was such a hot thing between you two. Do you think he would have done this with her? Or wouldn't he rather have been quite afraid of losing her?

 

At first I thought she was just somebody he had sex with and would be back, but he got very serious about her. I think he really loved her.

I hoped he would be jealous and get back to me, but he didn't seem to care.

Anyway, he proposed to this girl but she turned him down, because she didn't want to leave her native country to get back to the US with him. He was very upset and even tried to extend his tour to stay with her, but there was nothing he could do.

His feelings obviously went very deep.

 

I saw this as my chance to get him back, and after a few weeks of being back with him, I "convinced" him to get engaged to me. I really thought I had "won" him back. We were engaged for several years and only got married when I got pregnant with our first child.

 

I was a bit upset that he never pushed that hard for a wedding date, considering that he would have married his ex immediately if she had said yes.

So, you actually know that his feelings for her were more intense than for you.

 

But as long as I "got" him, I thought it was OK. Funny how all that mattered to me back then was that I got him back.

Are you sure you love him and therefore want him to stay? Or is it not more that you are afraid of losing him and being alone? To me it looks like you're clinging to him out of desperation.

 

It also turns out that my husband tried to get back with her about six months after they had broken up.

Does it look like he really wanted to be with you?

 

because she is the one who almost stole him away from me.

He's not your possession, not now and then, and if he wanted her, it's because he wanted her. Your choice of words indicates to me that you are not seeing your husband as the guilty one, as someone who is responsible for his actions, but it's her, she's the bad girl, she's the one trying to turn your man from the right path with her seductive power and sneakiness. You are completely denying that your husband might have these feelings without her doing that much, maybe he likes her for what she is, maybe she doesn't have to do that much to have his heart. That would be bitter. It's always hard to see someone you love give his love freely to someone else who has to fight a lot less than you.

 

I never worried about my husband cheating on me, even when he was deployed, but I'm getting panicky because this woman is my worst competition.

I interpret this that this is not only about love for you, your whole being and your whole self-worth is linked to your relationship. If it fails, you have failed as well. This is unhealthy.

 

Can a man still have strong feelings for a woman he knew more than ten years ago?

I'm sure that can happen.

 

What is his motivation for mailing her, sending her pictures, and staying in touch? It is so pathetic how he only sends her the most flattering pictures of himself, as if to impress her.

Because he still likes her. It's obvious.