Why be angry at the other person?

[mtz]

This question is mostly to satisfy my curiosity. I have been reading about how people cheat on their spouses but one thing that i realize is usually people are just as mad if not angrier towards the person that their spouse cheated with.

 

I don't understand why that is the situation and I would like to ask your opinion. If my wife cheats on me, I believe it is her fault not the guy she is having sex with. If the guy is married it is a promise that he made to his wife not to me.

 

This can go for both the sexes.

 

What are your opinions about this?

[TigerCub]

The betrayed partner doesn't know(in most cases) or love the Other person, so its easier to feel more rage towards them because the Other person interfered with the betrayed partner's marriage.

 

From reading here, I can tell that all the BSs were mad, hurt, sad, angered by their cheating partners, but they all have a history together and they have kids sometimes and memories and its harder to stay in the state of rage and just wanting to make them pay and then be rid of them - so I think (and this is just my opinion) that more anger is directed at the Other person because it can't be fully taken out on the WS if the BS wants to make things work.

 

Also, usually, the cheating partner acted completely out of character (as far as the betrayed spouse knows of them) - so sometimes it comes to mind that "Of course, the Other person seduced them, manipulated the situation, came on to them, and corrupted them, and that's why they acted in a way that I'd never expect from them). Unless the cheater is a serial cheater, I can kind of see the temptation to rationalize things that way when hit with such a huge shock as being cheated on and betrayed.

 

**Note: I've never been a betrayed partner and the above is just the impression I get.

[shayla]

The reason I was so angry at the other woman....she knew that my ex had a family, she had lost her own husband and knew the kind of pain she was helping to inflict. But she wanted a man so badly that she didn't care about destroying another woman in almost the same way she was.

 

When I confronted her, she kept saying to me, "Please don't hate me, I'm a nice person, I didn't know about you, blah blah...but the entire time she was making excuses, she was telling me things about me that she would have only known if she had known about me in the first place, the lying heiffer.

 

As angry as I was at her, I was ten times more angry at him....What he did was so ugly, all the lies he told,(and still telling) makes me want to hurt him.

[frozensprouts]

This question is mostly to satisfy my curiosity. I have been reading about how people cheat on their spouses but one thing that i realize is usually people are just as mad if not angrier towards the person that their spouse cheated with.

 

I don't understand why that is the situation and I would like to ask your opinion. If my wife cheats on me, I believe it is her fault not the guy she is having sex with. If the guy is married it is a promise that he made to his wife not to me.

 

This can go for both the sexes.

 

What are your opinions about this?

 

 

in my opinion, you should treat others the way you would like to be treated, and not intentionally involve yourself in something that is going to cause harm or emotional pain to someone else.

 

Besides, it's a betrayed spouse's prerogative to assign blame in which ever fashion they choose so to do. While completely assigning blame to the affair partner doesn't make a lot of sense, if that's how a betrayed spouse feels, it's how they feel. ( mind you, i can't see how this attitude will help should the husband/wife decide to reconcile...)

 

It has often been said on here that each situation is different, and this makes sense. An affair could mean anything from an affair partner being totally lied to and told by the married person that they are single all the way to the affair partner being a "serrial other man/woman" with a very predatory nature. One thing is certain, there is plenty of blame to go around.

[whichwayisup]

This question is mostly to satisfy my curiosity. I have been reading about how people cheat on their spouses but one thing that i realize is usually people are just as mad if not angrier towards the person that their spouse cheated with.

 

I don't understand why that is the situation and I would like to ask your opinion. If my wife cheats on me, I believe it is her fault not the guy she is having sex with. If the guy is married it is a promise that he made to his wife not to me.

 

This can go for both the sexes.

 

What are your opinions about this?

 

The OP is far from innocent in an affair. Unless lied to and OP doesn't know that the person is married, that's different..But usually the AP knows full well that the person IS married. To knowingly get involved with a MP, continue an A - Damn right the BS has a right to feel some anger towards that person. Yes, I do agree most of the anger should be directed at the person who betrayed their vows but that doesn't mean the affair partner can't own their part in the betrayal. What if the affair partner (OW/OM) was a friend and you knew them? Would you feel even MORE betrayed, feel anger at that person?

[wellwhynot]

It's easier to hate someone you don't love is my guess.

Also, if you blame someone else you don't have to look as hard at why it happened, you can just make them out to be a horrible person who preyed on your family.

I'm sure sometimes it happens that way, but most of the time it doesn't.

Cheating occurs because something, somewhere in the marriage is/was broken.

It may be the wayward spouse.

It may be the marriage itself.

It may be inability to cope with reality of marriage

It may be the betrayed spouse even.

(no I'm not trying to start a war with that, but occasionally, despite popular opinion, the betrayed spouse is a broken piece before the affair)

 

But if you can shift the blame, it's human nature to do so.

I think that's why, but I'm the OW, not the wife, so... it's just guesses and supposition.

[Bellechica]

My H would probably hate the OM more because he pretended to be his friend while he was having an A with me.

[SoMovinOn]

I understand the psychology of it, but I always wondered this too. The BS *should* be most angry with their spouse. That's the person who betrayed them. In some instances, the BS doesn't even know if the OM/OW knew the WS was M.

[whichwayisup]

I guess for same reasons, when a MM or MW decides to go back home, ends the affair, many OW/OM prefer to blame the BS and be angry at them, rather than their MM/MW.

[irin]

its true that most responsibility is on the WS. but unfortunately alot of affair partners play a huge role in it. pursuing married person, knowing she/he has a family is enough to hate a person. most of the time they arent even willing to admit that they in the wrong. as we see on so many threads, so many OW seem to believe that the MM belongs to them and the Wife is to blame and is in the wrong!

[cocorico]

I don't get it either. It's not like the other person stood up their at your wedding and made vows to keep their hands off your spouse. They owe you nothing. Your spouse owes you whatever was promised or agreed and it is their betrayal not that of the other person, unless they were your friend or had some other relationship with you that they have violated through the infidelity.

[SoMovinOn]

I don't get it either. It's not like the other person stood up their at your wedding and made vows to keep their hands off your spouse. They owe you nothing. Your spouse owes you whatever was promised or agreed and it is their betrayal not that of the other person, unless they were your friend or had some other relationship with you that they have violated through the infidelity.

 

Which was the situation I was in (W had an A with a guy I had been friends with for 30+ years). I was mad at him for *his* betrayal, kind of separate from whatever was between me and her. I made him address that part of it, to my face, on his own.

 

There were even some funny moments, such as when I asked him why he quit (he dumped her not long after they started). My question was, did he think I wouldn't be upset that he only screwed her 12 times, but it would be crossing the line if he had done it 13 times? ... well, it was funny at the time.

 

For the record, he and I are still friends.

[pink_sugar]

I've never understood this either. And sometimes, the person your spouse is cheating with may not even know he/she is married. But the fact that your spouse knows they are cheating would make them most to blame.

[TigerCub]

I do think that has been covered, the exception is the person who does not know a cheater is married. What I don't get is why someone who knows they are involved with a married person feels as if they share no responsibility in creating pain for another? Is it an abdication of personal responsibility or just the need to dismiss the feelings or others or is just the arrogance of thinking your life is more important than another's? Enlighten me. I was raised to take responsibility for ALL my actions, good, bad or ugly. My actions are brought about by my decisions regardless of the actions of another. It's like saying "I didn't marry this person, but it is okay if I help to dump a load of crap off at their doorstep because it isn't my doorstep."

 

If this is truly how one feels, why take credit for the so called happy feelings that you(general you) say you bring to the cheaters life? Isn't all that on the person who cheats as well? Isn't their happiness due to the brokenness in them and potentially their BS? Because if you have no responsibility at all for the mess, how can you claim anything good from the mess?

 

It's a punk move..."not I," said the duck, "not I, "said the dog, "not I," said the pig. Sounds just like a children's book.

 

I don't think the stuff in bold is a typical AP. Just from reading here, it seems like most APs do have a conflict between their feelings and the fact that they are doing something they normally consider to be morally wrong.

 

I think it would be rare, (certainly not impossible) to find a completely unapologetic AP, but I don't think its true for the majority of them.

[nofool4u]

This question is mostly to satisfy my curiosity. I have been reading about how people cheat on their spouses but one thing that i realize is usually people are just as mad if not angrier towards the person that their spouse cheated with.

 

I don't understand why that is the situation and I would like to ask your opinion. If my wife cheats on me, I believe it is her fault not the guy she is having sex with. If the guy is married it is a promise that he made to his wife not to me.

 

This can go for both the sexes.

 

What are your opinions about this?

 

It most certainly is the wayward spouses fault, but that doesn't mean the OM/OW is blameless.

 

I think anger towards the OW/OM is justified. Just not at the level the anger should be at the spouse. If someone is angry at the OM/OW, then that should go double for the spouse.

 

And if they aren't angry at the spouse, then they need not be angry at the OM/OW.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I'm angry at both of them yes, but I am definitely a LOT more angry with my WW. She's the one I tried to R with and needed to put out the effort to save our family.

 

In fact one of the things that angers me most is when she tries to put it off on him to maintain NC. I'm like:

1) That's not going to work, you won't get NC that way

2) How does HIM taking responsibility for the A do anything for my level of trust in you?? What happens when there's another OM trying to get in your pants? What then? Does he now have to take responsibility for cleaning that new mess up or maybe just maybe its you who should have crossed your legs!

[SandieBeach]

This question is mostly to satisfy my curiosity. I have been reading about how people cheat on their spouses but one thing that i realize is usually people are just as mad if not angrier towards the person that their spouse cheated with.

 

I don't understand why that is the situation and I would like to ask your opinion. If my wife cheats on me, I believe it is her fault not the guy she is having sex with. If the guy is married it is a promise that he made to his wife not to me.

 

This can go for both the sexes.

 

What are your opinions about this?

 

I think it's just our misplaced anger. It's much easier and more practical to hate the OP than your own spouse...recognizing that the WS is 100% at fault and has serious shortcomings/integrity issues somehow reflects poorly on the BS (in his/her mind) because we choose to stay with him/her.

 

I loathe the OW (and loathe is a pretty mild word to describe what I feel towards her at times), and I tell myself every time evil thoughts enter my head that she isn't to blame for my H's actions. He is. He is. He is. Eventually, I let go until the next time the same evil thoughts enter my head and then it turns into the same vicious cycle...

Edited May 12, 2012 by SandieBeach

[Summer Breeze]

I don't get it either OP. When xH cheated it didn't matter one jot who he cheated with. He cheated. He lied. He betrayed me. He did it all. I didn't hold her responsible for one thing because he had millions and millions of times where he lied rather than being honest and he didn't. That was all him. What did it matter who he cheated with?

[Radagast]

This question is mostly to satisfy my curiosity. I have been reading about how people cheat on their spouses but one thing that i realize is usually people are just as mad if not angrier towards the person that their spouse cheated with.

 

I don't understand why that is the situation and I would like to ask your opinion. If my wife cheats on me, I believe it is her fault not the guy she is having sex with. If the guy is married it is a promise that he made to his wife not to me.

 

This can go for both the sexes.

 

What are your opinions about this?

 

I think my ex-wife is angry at my wife because my wife has succeeded in many ways where my ex-wife failed and it hurts her to see that someone with the same kind of background constraints could rise above them and make a success of her life and her relationships in a way that my ex-wife couldn't.

 

My ex-wife encouraged her betrayed husband to hate the other man more than he hated her by comparing them, by showing up the betrayed husband against the other man because the other man was more ambitious, more successful, younger, better looking, etc and I think that that kind of thinking in turn bit her when I had an affair.

[frozensprouts]

I will reiterate that I don't see why a betrayed spouse should have to feel any certain way or blame any particular person.

 

I truly believe that we should not knowingly engage in activities that hurt others. Yet both the wayward spouse and other man/woman make the choice to start an affair. I really believe that both are responsible for the pain the affair inflict.

 

Someone once asked me why I thought cheating was wrong. I answered that it's wrong to hurt someone like that, and that goes for both the spouse and the affair partner.

 

Others may not agree

[cocorico]

I keep seeing the word "hate" in conjunction with the AP. I for one do not hate any of them. They disgust me but I don't wish them to be boiled in oil. I kept thinking about why an AP should be held responsible. I stand by my original post of why AP should be held responsible for their part. Last night while talking to the sista girls it hit me......for over a year, I had to be tested for STD's to make sure I was clear. That is a very long time to be wondering, if I got an infection, the sniffles, a rash. Who should I hold responsible for that? Mr. Messy put me at risk to be taken from my children and family without me choosing that option. You know what....so did OW. She didn't use protection either. She willing opened up without insisting that he use a condom she also knew his history...I have emails to prove it as they compared their past lovers to their spouses.

 

She told me that her BS cheated on her (I don't know if that is true or not) but that means she exposed me to all that she believed she had been exposed to...that is intent in my book. She knew Mr. Messy had cheated before and she exposed her BS to the same crap. The callous disregard for the health and well being of the people you had children with and potentially taking that person away from people who "truly" loved them. For me that is why 100% blame for their actions will always lay squarely on the AP shoulders. Mr. Messy was the one who made the vows, that is why he is where he is:cool: and I suspect that is why her life is where it is also.

 

Maybe for some of you the AP was of no consequence, but anyone who is holding a loaded weapon aimed at me( and by extension my family) is of consequence to me. Whether they took vows with me or not.

 

Are you suggesting that APs who contribute to the exposure of the BS to STIs are culpable, but those who take responsibility for their sexual health and do not, are not?

[cocorico]

I will reiterate that I don't see why a betrayed spouse should have to feel any certain way or blame any particular person.

 

I truly believe that we should not knowingly engage in activities that hurt others. Yet both the wayward spouse and other man/woman make the choice to start an affair. I really believe that both are responsible for the pain the affair inflict.

 

Someone once asked me why I thought cheating was wrong. I answered that it's wrong to hurt someone like that, and that goes for both the spouse and the affair partner.

 

Others may not agree

 

Emily wants to go to the 6th Form Ball with Davd. Back in year 3 when they were besties they had promised. David has forgotten, 10 years on. Emily hasn't and lets the other girls know she wants to go with David. David invites Sally, who he likes and who likes him. Should Sally say no because she knows Emily will be hurt?

 

Ann is hoping for promotion. The supervisor offers the promotion to Dawn. Should Dawn turn it down because she knows Ann will be upset?

 

Carl and Andy are neck and neck on the home strait. Should Carl trip because he knows Andy will be upset if he loses?

 

 

Where would that kind of logic stop? Is the AP - and any other potential AP - responsible for patrolling the boundaries of the WS's M? Should that not be the responsibility of the MPs?

 

I feel that unless you have signed up to some agreement with the BS ( through friendship, kinship or whatever) then you owe them nothing beyond the requirements of obeying the law. The one with the obligation is the spouse.

[cocorico]

I am not suggesting anything. What I said is that I believe the AP is responsible for exposing the BS to STD's when they do not use protection ( especially when they say they have been cheated on). I am clear and firm on this.

 

Fair enough. So if the AP knows they are clean then the BS's paranoia and anger are unfounded, and should be restricted to where they belong - the WS.

[Danie]

This question is mostly to satisfy my curiosity. I have been reading about how people cheat on their spouses but one thing that i realize is usually people are just as mad if not angrier towards the person that their spouse cheated with.

 

I don't understand why that is the situation and I would like to ask your opinion. If my wife cheats on me, I believe it is her fault not the guy she is having sex with. If the guy is married it is a promise that he made to his wife not to me.

 

This can go for both the sexes.

 

What are your opinions about this?

 

Well, for me I was angry with her because she knew he was married to me, she lied to my face, and she harassed me…and she had the audacity to refer to my children as ‘****ing kids’…so, yea, that made me pretty mad at her. I think if I didn’t know her and she didn’t know he was married to me (and she wasn’t such a bitch) I wouldn’t have been so angry with her…to be perfectly honest here…I told my husband if I was bigger than him I’d kick his ass….and her? I wouldn’t risk jail time on her…oh, I came very close until my husband hustled me out the door

 

In a general way of thinking…how can the OW/OM expect that the BS would not be angry with them? I really don’t understand how the OP couldn’t know that they will be vilified by the BS for their role in the affair. It’s just the way it is and the way it has been forever.

 

BSs are just people, with the complex emotions and such that are all over the place on dday…and for a long-long time afterwards. More than likely the BSs are mad at the WS and the OP for different reasons. It’s not impossible to be angry at two different people, for two different reasons. It takes time to come to terms with the entire situation.

[Danie]

I don't get it either OP. When xH cheated it didn't matter one jot who he cheated with. He cheated. He lied. He betrayed me. He did it all. I didn't hold her responsible for one thing because he had millions and millions of times where he lied rather than being honest and he didn't. That was all him. What did it matter who he cheated with?

 

So, because you believe this way then everyone else should believe this way too? Because it's the *right* way to believe? Is that what you are saying?

Edited May 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator