I love my ex, what can I do?

February 11, 2012

Please read this and help me as I have never been more troubled in my life.

I will keep this as short as possible. I and my ex-girlfriend were going out for a little over two years. Things started out very well and we had everything in common. The first year was pretty good expect for a minor lies or forgetfulness on my part. Then I stopped doing the small things to show her I cared, spent more time with my friends, and would not work on the little things she asked me to. Such as spending more time with her, going on more dates, being more direct with her etc. Then she would break up with me to try to get me to realize these things but we would always get back together in less than 48 hours with me saying I’ll work on them (this happened 15+ times). I never did, I just didn’t think she would ever leave. She treated me beyond perfect and I did not appreciate this until after the final break-up.

The last time we broke up was around 10 days ago and she went no contact with me. Deleted me form everything first time she ever did this. I called her she said she needed space and time. I said lets be friends and she said I can’t be friends with you. Four days later I drove 3 hours to see her and brought her flowers, candy, and a 3 page letter detailing everything I’m going to work on. (I was going to drop it at her door but she ditched college class so she was there) we went to dinner and I paid and she told me she does not know if she needs to date other people or not. She also said she can’t see me b/c it makes her want more with me. We went to her room and she said one last time and not to think anything of what she was going to do. She cuddled me and kissed me then made me go on my way home. She told me I could contact her once a week on my way out (casual text)

I then broke casual and did not stop bugging her, she then said I never want to be friends, I don’t love you etc. I wrote her a song and she declined it on Skype she then texted me Back off, I need space you need to respect that. 3 days later with no contact she texted me letting me know she had her period and I just said thanks for letting me know. Did not try to start a conversation. She then called me later that night asking me how I was and if she could use my papa john’s account. (Which she could have just made her own) I told her yes and then she said “I really want to be friends with you but you need to respect my space. I would like you to text me every week and we can talk for a little but no coming up here or abusing it (IE contacting her every day) I said I understood and had to go to bed. Call was only 8 mins.

I really love her and want her back and have been working with professional help on the matter and I am working to make myself better and really make the changes she wants. She always said if I made the little changes I would be the best guy for her in the world. I want her back so should I play by this or just say I can’t handle acquaintances at this point. (I can do acquaintances if people think it will give me a chance to show her I’m changing but if you think this will leave me with nothing but acquaintances until she finds someone new I need to know. As short texts once a week does not feel like friends like she said but acquaintances.

Thanks for all your help and advice.

February 11, 2012

You need to respect her request for space.

Take this time to truly work on yourself and think about the issues which have made her break-up with you so many times. She has used threats before and I guess because you never thought she would actually leave, you never addressed them.

Problem now is, that you will do the same thing... Say that you will change, but if she comes back AGAIN, old patterns will reemerge. You need to take ACTION.

Give her the space and accept the fact that you may have lost her. Make a promise to yourself that you will not take a relationship for granted again in the future, whether it is with her, or another.

This contact thing is a little odd though. She has asked for space and has left you, yet wants you to txt her once a week? Has she only said this because you are contacting her all the time? If you didn't get in touch with her, would she get in touch with you? I think that for your own healing, you need to go NIC. No initiating contact. Let her reach out if that's what she wants. This may be hard at first, but you have to let her contact you rather than the other way around. Chasing her will only push her further away.

There may be a chance to reconcile, but you need to stop chasing and trust that maybe with some space, she will miss you.

But in the meantime.. do stuff and be awesome.

February 11, 2012

You need to respect her request for space.

Take this time to truly work on yourself and think about the issues which have made her break-up with you so many times. She has used threats before and I guess because you never thought she would actually leave, you never addressed them.
Problem now is, that you will do the same thing... Say that you will change, but if she comes back AGAIN, old patterns will reemerge. You need to take ACTION.

Give her the space and accept the fact that you may have lost her. Make a promise to yourself that you will not take a relationship for granted again in the future, whether it is with her, or another.

This contact thing is a little odd though. She has asked for space and has left you, yet wants you to txt her once a week? Has she only said this because you are contacting her all the time? If you didn't get in touch with her, would she get in touch with you? I think that for your own healing, you need to go NIC. No initiating contact. Let her reach out if that's what she wants. This may be hard at first, but you have to let her contact you rather than the other way around. Chasing her will only push her further away.

There may be a chance to reconcile, but you need to stop chasing and trust that maybe with some space, she will miss you.

But in the meantime.. do stuff and be awesome.

Thanks for the help but let me know what you think about this. I asked if she wanted the once a week texting for herself or for me (because she thinks that it will be easier on me) and she said it's because she wants it. I was thinking I could contact her in a week have the 5-10 casual texts then end it with "I hope to hear form you again soon" leaving it up to her to contact me the following week or when ever she wants. what do you think? I think this would help me heal like you said as I don't feel good about being the only want to start contact. I think this will hurt me more than no contact unless she contacts me. (as when i'm the only want to start the conversation it makes me feel like she is doing it just for me even though she said she is not)

Edited February 11, 2012 by icebeam

February 11, 2012

Forget about any form of contact. If you want her to miss you, then grant her the request for space. Fight the urges you have to contact her. If you do the casual text thing, eventually she will say enough..Use the time as million to 1 said to work on the issues that were a problem in the relationship. She needs to be more mature as well. Breaking up with someone ever and over to try get attention or change things in a relationship is not a mature way of dealing with relationship issues.

You are both very young as well.

Being 21, 23(me) is young you feel? Also I don't want her to think that I want nothing to do with her so do you think it would be fine to just do this texting thing once leaving it off with "I hope to hear form you again" It's open ended and sends the right message talk to me when you want to.

Try focus on why you behaved the way did (very good advice here)

Edited February 11, 2012 by icebeam

February 11, 2012

Anyone else have any thoughts? Love to hear every one give their input

February 11, 2012

Well how do I cope with the fact that if I was more macure it would have worked as her realtionship iq was through the roof and that it ending was all my fault. She did no wrongs.

February 12, 2012

icebeam, please do yourself a favor (FOR YOU) and let her go. there are no words you can say that will rectify anything. i've scrolled through all the responses to your questions / statements and they are all beyond valid. you owe it yourself to find out more about who you are and less about what you can do to sway this girls thoughts and emotions. one of the biggest blessings, and the biggest hurts for all of us who have been in relationships is that we have been granted free will. on the plus end it allows us to love freely. on the other end (and this can also be a plus at times) it allows people to walk away, for their own reasons. we cannot always understand them but we have to respect them. i know nothing of this girl, your time with her, or what went right or wrong. what i do know is that she has decided to walk for whatever reason. i would assume it appears that you broke her trust many many times.

my wish for you is to do the same. go your own way. in time (AND REALLY GIVE IT TIME) you'll see this and, most importantly, she will as well. it will give her time to remember the good moments with you and also that you respected her wishes.

February 12, 2012

Yes, I know you people are right it's just so hard to accept it as fact. When my dreams haunt me of her and another guy.

February 12, 2012

I say this with all due respect mate but you need to be a man about this. I've just got out of a 9 year relationship.. yeah I felt like crap the first week but we need to move on dude..

You can't linger in the past. If you ever want a chance to get back with your ex you need to grow as a person.. pick up your life and start enjoying it again.

Pick up a new hobby.. talk to random people.. enjoy the freedom you have now. Accept reality for what it is.

February 12, 2012

Also I don't want her to think that I want nothing to do with her so do you think it would be fine to just do this texting thing once leaving it off with "I hope to hear form you again" It's open ended and sends the right message talk to me when you want to.

You need to go No Contact. She wants you to be her puppet. The only reason she wants contact once a week is so you can fade out of her life without the sudden loss she thinks she might feel if you went NC.

Even by telling her "I hope to hear from you again" is letting her know you are waiting for her like a puppy dog, which is not attractive. It is telling her "go ahead and move on with your life without me because I will always be here waiting if you don't find someone better".

You need to go strict NC and let her feel she has lost you forever. If she starts chasing you it means she realized what she lost and wants you back. If she doesn't, you know you no longer mean anything to her. If she wants to lose you from her life, you need to go ahead and let her.

Going NC will give you all the answers you are looking for.

February 12, 2012

Anyone else have any thoughts? Love to hear every one give their input

You have been given good advice but you don't want to hear it. Go NC. If she contacts you tell her "you wanted your space, now let me have mine" and then go NC.

February 12, 2012

Man as a lot of people already said to you, you have to go NC. Go out with your friends and meet new people. You will see that if you do this she will contact you sooner then later. And when she does you will say girl I dont need you anymore.

On the other hand try to work on your issues so you wont make the same mistakes with future girlfriends.

I have been in a 9 year relationship and when it ended I went in NC. If I was able to do this after 9 years you will be able too.

As of you thinking of her in another mans hands dont do that. You are just torturing yourself. Just think how she will break up with him 15+ times. Do you really want a girlfriend like that?

February 12, 2012

What is lost on u right now is, u could have been the best guy in history (the prefect boyfriend) the result would have still been the same with your ex. Yeah, u may have lasted a longer time together, but the final result would have been the same..

One day, many years from now u will get that...

I do think that is really true however I'm trying to search for why. I was her first everything other than a kiss with another guy before me. That's the only thing I can think of. I am the only one she has had sex with been in a relationship with etc. I know sometimes relationships can work where they are virgins until marriage like my parents but they are not happy and have toughed it out for 25 years. They wish they could split and talk openly about it.

I have been in a 9 year relationship and when it ended I went in NC. If I was able to do this after 9 years you will be able too. As of you thinking of her in another mans hands dont do that. You are just torturing yourself. Just think how she will break up with him 15+ times. Do you really want a girlfriend like that?

Wow, that does make me think my situation in less than what it could have been. Also that's a better way to think about the other guy. It's his to deal with now. The good and the bad. May I ask why does one choose to split after 9 years I find this very interesting.

Edited February 12, 2012 by icebeam

February 12, 2012

I feel your pain.......

February 12, 2012

I feel your pain.......

How so what happened?

Icebeam the person we end up with (8, more Likely 9 times out of ten) never, NEVER tell us "they dont love us anymore'"...The person we end up, is there through thick and thin. When we are at our best, when we are at our worst. U are far too young, to really understand what that statement actually means.

They will never even say this when you have pissed them off to a huge a ammount by not respecting something. Like not even when they are so angry they say f*** you or something.

There is more going on the surface here then you actually realise. You say she was the perfect girlfriend, yet you sub consciously kept pushing her away. Something inside you whether it’s your inner voice/gut instinct was pushing her away. Eventually she decided she had enough and left the relationship. In time you will understand that it takes two people to form a relationship and two to break it up. There is never 100% blame on one side.

Something did but I'm not sure what made me want to push away. I wish I knew. I really do. I still do not know.

Even by telling her "I hope to hear from you again" is letting her know you are waiting for her like a puppy dog, which is not attractive. It is telling her "go ahead and move on with your life without me because I will always be here waiting if you don't find someone better".

I feel this way I'm just shocked she would do this to me and I don't want to belive this is true but every day I feel more and more like that.

February 12, 2012

Wow, that does make me think my situation in less than what it could have been. Also that's a better way to think about the other guy. It's his to deal with now. The good and the bad. May I ask why does one choose to split after 9 years I find this very interesting.

Exactly! It is his deal now and guess what? You are free to do whatever you want! But really work on the mistakes you made so when she will meet you in the future you will just say you know I changed and I have a new girlfriend, she loves me very much and she has never broken up with me. This will be your revenge and it will be very sweet!

As for the reasons I was given for the break up. Hmm lets see...I rejected some walks in the park and I didnt go to the beach with her. I also skipped one or two dinners with her family. And those were her reasons for breaking up with me after 9 years. The truth I discovered later is that she has a new boyfriend and after 9 years her spark just jumped to the other guy who probably conforted her over the dinners, beaches and walks in the park.

You know I just lough at this today. He will be in my position one day and poor guy he will discover what he has. I am free now and I dont have to bother about her issues. I always respected her and always tried to be the best man possible. She just got bored of it and left for someone else.

So just stay strong and live your life man!

February 12, 2012

@Fluorescent: you hit the nail on its head. I've just got dumped after 9 years and I can honestly tell you that I'm following your advice. I know deep down that my ex and I should both grow as persons (i.e. become a new person).

I think you're right. Once we've both grown and generally become a new person.. we might be able to reconnect and find love once again.. however one should never aim for this.. just be selfish.. grow as a person.. become the most awesome YOU you can ever become.. be interesting.. have stories to tell.. Never linger in the past for it will make you sour, bitter and boring.

February 12, 2012

Kudos to you for being so honest! Until u know the answer to that question (above) please go no contact..NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

u know why right?.....

Because it would only happen again and it's not fair to me or her. Erks me to say it.

Part of me feels - She was wonderful to me but I was just not ready to have that high of a comment to one person. Not because I wanted to date someone else or anything just b/c I need to get a career maybe move around for jobs, I just cant super commit to someone at this point and part of this super committing made me a little uncomfortable and I don't know why.

Edited February 12, 2012 by icebeam

February 13, 2012

Not breaking NC..it is a MASSIVE character test..........9 out of 10 fail it...i crap u not... be that 10%, be the guy we all go WOW! Can u really be that guy? I doubt it..

Who goes wow? her? or this community?

February 13, 2012

Sorry babe. I need space in this case means I need you to get lost until I need a favor again.

Let this one go. Learn something about yourself and be better for the next fine young thing.

February 13, 2012

Sorry babe. I need space in this case means I need you to get lost until I need a favor again.

Let this one go. Learn something about yourself and be better for the next fine young thing.

Would someone that loved me for two years just keep me around for favors and use me like that?

February 13, 2012

Your ex is going through GIGS/Burnout. How ever you want to label it. Fluourescent is giving you good advice about focusing on yourself and how you feel.

I think she is pushing too hard though. Your feelings are valid about the breakup just doesnt feel right. Having been on both sides of this type of breakup, I can tell you, you're feelings are valid.

I do not want to go into the deep specifics of it.

The breakup has nothing to do with you or what you did. This is about her. She doesnt have control over it right now either, thats why this happens. You shouldn't feel guilty about anything but its going to be perfectly natural if you do. Better yourself off the things you think you did wrong and focus on you. That way whatever happens in the future, you will be ready for it!

February 13, 2012

I know exactly how you feel,i feel like that right now,just that thought of her being with someone else rips me apart,i cant really help or give any advice,apart from saying hang in there and try and take a day at a time,as thats what i am trying to do..

Good luck.

February 13, 2012

I know exactly how you feel,i feel like that right now,just that thought of her being with someone else rips me apart,i cant really help or give any advice,apart from saying hang in there and try and take a day at a time,as thats what i am trying to do..

Good luck.

What happened to you? hearing similar stories puts me at peace.

As for the reasons I was given for the break up. Hmm lets see...I rejected some walks in the park and I didnt go to the beach with her. I also skipped one or two dinners with her family. And those were her reasons for breaking up with me after 9 years. The truth I discovered later is that she has a new boyfriend and after 9 years her spark just jumped to the other guy who probably conforted her over the dinners, beaches and walks in the park.

I just don't get how a few let downs to a girl is worth ending a 9 year thing. God man my heart goes out to you.

Edited February 13, 2012 by icebeam

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