Just don't bother with online dating.

[Mrlonelyone]

About half of the dating issues aired on this board are about online dating. In real life everyone I know who has tried online dating has found it a giant waste of time.

 

JUST DON'T BOTHER WITH ONLINE DATING.

 

Online interaction is at most a form of mild entertainment. That goes for online dating, Facebook dating, any kind of online dating. Don't take it so seriously.

 

80% of communication is non verbal. Before a word is said body language already ask for a date and says yes. Online dating lacks that crucial aspect.

 

Last but not least:

 

Many people on those websites have no real interest in forming a relationship out of online dating. They are people who are in real life relationships who want online interactions to add some extra spice to their lives. That's not just a bitter rant on my part.

 

http://www.ellecanada.com/relationships/i-heart-you-online-dating-and-infidelity/a/32308

 

http://healthland.time.com/2011/06/29/cyberspace-infidelity-cheaters-prefer-to-be-unfaithful-in-person-rather-than-online/

 

http://www.cheatingspousepi.com/online_infidelity/

 

It's men and women doing it.

 

What to do instead? Accept the following.

 

0) To actually fall in love you have to meet people in person who are receptive.

 

1.) Dating is a competition to get the most desirable mate. There will be competition at all times.

 

2.) Over the age of about 25 or so, everyone who is even marginally desirable will be taken.

 

3.) ergo you need to be willing to meet impress, persuade and win over people . Show them why they should choose you over the others, even if they have known the other for a while.

 

Sitting in front of a computer will not result in a relationship.

 

_____

What do you know your "lonely"? Don't read too much into a screen name. Those in the know know I'm not even actually a Mr.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Just for the record, I am very happily married to a lovely man I met on Match.com. And my former employee married a guy from EHarmony. Also, we were both well over the age of 25. So some people obviously are not wasting their time bothering with online dating.

 

What works or doesn't for you is not necessarily universal.

[Mrlonelyone]

Just for the record, I am very happily married to a lovely man I met on Match.com. And my former employee married a guy from EHarmony. Also, we were both well over the age of 25. So some people obviously are not wasting their time bothering with online dating.

 

What works or doesn't for you is not necessarily universal.

 

That one story does not invalidate my point or the sources I cited which also point out the RAMPANT lying cheating and fakery that goes on online.

 

Back when you and your husband met was ... how long ago now? Every year millions more people gain access to the internet. I don't know about you but back in the 1990's there was far less overall fraud fakery and other antisocial activity going on online. Back then one was more likely to be connected via a rather expensive slow dialup connection or a instituion of learning. Using the net took a $2000 computer.

 

Now all one needs to get on the internet is a pre paid android phone from the local corner store.

 

Times have changed.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Been on around thirty dates from online sites over a course of around six months scattered over the last few years...haven't seen evidence of all the things you're listing that are turning you off to the experience and don't have a guess as to what's soured you on it. What I do know is there are a ton of ****ed-up and emotionally immature people in the world, and that's true online or offline. I see them, but they've been fairly easy to spot and weed out.

[Gettingtired]

I met my current girlfriend online and we'll be celebrating our 1 year anniversary next month.

 

Everyone you know may have found it of no use, but that's not to say that's the case for everybody.

 

0) You get to that part after a little bit of chatting.

1) That's a given.

2) Where did you get that statistic from?

3) That can be done online or in person.

 

Sitting in front of a computer HAS resulted in a relationship for me.

 

Your argument is garbage in my opinion. Saying that though, you and everyone are entitled to your own opinion, on this occasion though it's BS.

[kaylan]

2.) Over the age of about 25 or so, everyone who is even marginally desirable will be taken.

What are you talking about? Theres plenty of decent single folk out there in their 20s.

[EnigmaticClarity]

What are you talking about? Theres plenty of decent single folk out there in their 20s.

 

And 30s, and 40s. Everyone I dated was between 27 and 43. I'm 40 now, was 38/39 when I did it.

[phineas]

I've only been on match.com a month.

But I just meet women who want to e-mail for a few weeks then *poof* on me.

 

I got one i'm txting & talked to once but she either isn't sure, being cautious or just not that into me because she is very sporatic. Then again she didn't grow up in the U.S. so who knows.

 

Otherwise, I'm not sure what the women my age on match.com are looking for, but it doesn't appear to be me. LOL!

 

oh well, 2 more months left on my subscription.

with V-day next week i'm curious to see how many winks I get this weekend.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I've only been on match.com a month.

But I just meet women who want to e-mail for a few weeks then *poof* on me.

 

Don't let it go on that long. Ask them out by the third or fourth email--that tends to eliminate the window-shoppers. If they decline for some reason that they claim is legitimate, I usually break or slow contact until they agree to a specific meet date.

[Mrlonelyone]

What are you talking about? Theres plenty of decent single folk out there in their 20s.

 

 

Taken does not need to even mean in a relationship per se.

 

Odds are most "single" adults have some sort of love interest already. There is someone they would at least like to be in a relationship with. Any new person has to be a better choice than that pre existing situation.

 

I am glad it worked out for some of you...but this isn't just some bitter person saying this.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/06/online-dating-study-northwestern_n_1257959.html

 

CHICAGO (Reuters) - Combing dating websites for that perfect love match can be very frustrating, and a group of U.S. psychology professors released a report on Monday explaining why there is no substitute for meeting face-to-face.

 

"Online dating is a terrific addition for singles to meet. That said, there are two problems," report author Eli Finkel, an associate professor of psychology at Northwestern University, said in an interview.

 

First, poring over seemingly endless lists of profiles of people one does not know, as on Match.com, does not reveal much about them. Second, it "overloads people and they end up shutting down," Finkel said.

 

He compared it to shopping at "supermarkets of love" and said psychological research shows people presented with too many choices tend to make lazy and often poor decisions.

 

The study's authors also questioned the algorithms employed by sites such as eHarmony.com to match people based on their interests or personality - comparing it to having a real estate agent of love.

 

While the algorithm may reduce the number of potential partners from thousands to a few, they have never met and may be as incompatible as two people meeting at random, Finkel said, adding the odds are no better than finding a relationship by strolling into any bar.

 

"Eighty years of relationship science has reliably shown you can't predict whether a relationship succeeds based on information about people who are unaware of each other," he said.

 

The algorithms are proprietary and were not shared with the researchers. "The assumption is they work. We reviewed the literature and feel safe to conclude they do not," he said.

 

He dismissed the dating websites' own studies on their success as unscientific, and said there are as yet no objective, data-driven studies of online dating. The researchers reviewed the literature on online dating and compared it to previous research.

 

Finkel said he and four psychology professors from other schools were enlisted by the Association for Psychological Science to write about the online dating industry, and the report was being published in the organization's journal, Psychological Science in the Public Interest.

 

Perhaps solving what Finkel termed the "original sins" of online dating are mobile dating websites such as Badoo.com and Zoosk.com. The sites offer some information about other members but more importantly allow participants visiting a museum, say, to ask others logged on nearby to meet up.

 

"There's no better way to figure out whether you're compatible with somebody than talking to them over a cup of coffee or a pint of beer," Finkel said.

 

That is reporting on a peer reviewed scientific study which says in short online dating is a big fat waste of time.

Edited February 10, 2012 by Mrlonelyone

[EnigmaticClarity]

I am glad it worked out for some of you... that does not cancel out the fact that for the great many onlline dating has proven to be a giant waste of time. It's too easy to be dishonest in that format and too tempting.

 

Dating in general is a giant waste of time for people with issues--it's not specific to online. It really isn't as hard to sniff out the people lying. I can't begin to imagine how a woman would be able to get you to cheat on her husband without you knowing she's married--can you? If she won't let you come to her house after a bunch of dates and skirts around topics that could indicate she's married, something's fishy.

[kaylan]

Taken does not need to even mean in a relationship per se.

 

Odds are most "single" adults have some sort of love interest already. There is someone they would at least like to be in a relationship with. Any new person has to be a better choice than that pre existing situation.

 

I am glad it worked out for some of you...but this isn't just some bitter person saying this.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/06/online-dating-study-northwestern_n_1257959.html

 

 

 

That is reporting on a peer reviewed scientific study which says in short online dating is a big fat waste of time.

I dont see how your link disproves what I said, nor proves what you stated.

 

There are many single folks out there to date while in your 20s.

 

If you dont like online dating, cool. But it does work for some people out there.

 

It is what it is.

[Mrlonelyone]

I dont see how your link disproves what I said, nor proves what you stated.

 

There are many single folks out there to date while in your 20s.

 

If you dont like online dating, cool. But it does work for some people out there.

 

It is what it is.

 

 

Read the whole message. There is peer reviewed research to back up my overall point.

[Mrlonelyone]

@Enigmatic

 

The cheating that goes on is what's known as cybercheating. People who go to OLD sites looking to flirt and chat with someone .... but have no intention * of meeting offline ever.

 

It's not that you go on a bunch of dates with them. They go online and misrepresent present themselves as single and looking. They do it for the ego boost.

 

Look at the links I provided you will see this isn't just some person with issues talking. Many relationship experts have seen these things too.

 

Jeez the really personal way some people took this post. If it worked for you great. You were lucky that's all. (Some people survived Hiroshima that dose not mean that nuclear war is harmless. The logic dosen't work. )

[EnigmaticClarity]

Read the whole message. There is peer reviewed research to back up my overall point.

 

Your article asserts that the matching algorithms sites like eHarmony uses don't work for finding matches--that's absolutely correct, I agree with that. I find them to be both useless and artificial. That doesn't mean that some of those matches won't actually end up working. I hate that eHarmony format and prefer being able to do searches, but I did try it and went on some good dates. I knew after going through the questions the matching wasn't going to do anything for me because I have physical characteristics that I look for in addition to personality and lifestyle preferences...I know what I want, and eHarmony's format just gets in my way.

 

The article's second point is that on sites where people can search instead of just being matched like eHarmony does make "lazy" decisions because there are so many people to choose from. That is absolutely correct--people do tend to spend more time shopping around and looking for an idealistic match, the man or woman of their dreams. That really doesn't last very long, though, for people who are motivated to be in a relationship--they either find what they're looking for, or they don't and bring their expectations back down into reality.

 

Or they burn out and become bitter like you've apparently become. Yea, OK, that's fine, but that doesn't make the format useless for EVERYONE as you're here attempting to assert, it's only useless for people who prefer not to learn to deal with the limitations of the format.

[EnigmaticClarity]

The cheating that goes on is what's known as cybercheating. People who go to OLD sites looking to flirt and chat with someone .... but have no intention * of meeting offline ever.

 

It's not that you go on a bunch of dates with them. They go online and misrepresent present themselves as single and looking. They do it for the ego boost.

 

Look at the links I provided you will see this isn't just some person with issues talking. Many relationship experts have seen these things too.

 

Jeez the really personal way some people took this post. If it worked for you great. You were lucky that's all. (Some people survived Hiroshima that dose not mean that nuclear war is harmless. The logic dosen't work. )

 

No, I wasn't lucky. It simply is NOT DIFFICULT to weed these people out--exchange 3-4 messages with someone, meet them, if they won't meet, end it. Online sites are not filled with married women looking to cheat--they're just not.

 

Cheating isn't the biggest challenge with online dating--there are much more common obstacles with people being intentionally (exaggerating or outright lying) or unintentionally (they're on a relationship rebound) dishonest, but those, too, don't take long to learn to overcome. Your approach to this tells me you haven't even tried.

[kaylan]

Read the whole message. There is peer reviewed research to back up my overall point.

The article doesnt even provide a link or proof backing up what the psychologists are claiming.

 

Either way the psychologists are just say online dating is no better than having a cup of coffee or a pint of beer with someone new. They didnt say it was worse.

 

Either way, when you meet online, you have to go hang out in the real world and see if you click with someone anyways.

 

So the article doesnt bring up anything new. Online dating is another means to an end.

 

EDIT: I will agree that online dating has turned dating into a marketplace. If my ex had a profile online, Id prolly pass over her. I would have never gotten the chance to fall head over hells for her like I did when we first met.

 

Ive realized online dating has made me more picky than I usually am, but it does that to everyone since you have so many choices. Because of this I try to ignore match percentages and small dislikes I may have for someone I read in someones profile. For all I know, we could click wonderfully and fall hard for one another.

Edited February 10, 2012 by kaylan

[Negative Nancy]

I have never used OLD, but I've met people that I got to know online and so far those experiences were pretty good because I have a good intuition when it comes to people and because I had gotten to know them online for quite some time, and time tells all lies. Nobody can be a liar over a long period of time without being inconsistent at some point. So my online experiences don't stem from OLD sites directly, but I have experiences with meeting people that I met online. I can see that OLD opens up a world full of new people that you'd otherwise probably never meet in real life because you live too far away, neer run into each other are just are in different circles, but in my opinion dating in general is a waste of time, though, because everyone's on their best behavior and you don't get to know the real person. I don't date - I either want to be with someone or I don't. I know pretty quick if I like someone or not and my gut so far hasn't steered me wrong.

[kaylan]

@Enigmatic

 

The cheating that goes on is what's known as cybercheating. People who go to OLD sites looking to flirt and chat with someone .... but have no intention * of meeting offline ever.

How is it cheating unless someone is already in a relationship? If they are single then its fine to just flirt and chat, even if they dont want to meet anyone right away.

It's not that you go on a bunch of dates with them. They go online and misrepresent present themselves as single and looking. They do it for the ego boost.

You are jumping to conclusions. People do this all the time. They assume that because they arent getting dates, that it must mean that the women rejecting them must not be dating at all.

 

She very well could be dating someone, just now you. How would you know shes simply seeking attention? Guys love to cry foul and accuse girls of seeking attention online just because she didnt choose them.

 

Some women do this, but plenty are getting dates from using online dating. You should get some more female friends, then youd know this.

Look at the links I provided you will see this isn't just some person with issues talking. Many relationship experts have seen these things too.

Dude, your links hardly prove anything. You can type many things into google and find some blog trying to assert opinions as facts. Hell one of you links was citing statistics from 1999 for christ sakes. Thats really telling.

 

If anything, unfaithful people will cheat by whatever means available to them. Its not the fault of technology and social networking. Theyd cheat if given the chance in 1850 if they could.

Jeez the really personal way some people took this post. If it worked for you great. You were lucky that's all. (Some people survived Hiroshima that dose not mean that nuclear war is harmless. The logic dosen't work. )

You dont get lucky at all in dating. You decide what you want, and go out and find it and open yourself to new experiences. At least thats what I feel.

 

Online dating can be quite fun if you stop talking it so seriously and negatively.

[Mrlonelyone]

 

You dont get lucky at all in dating. You decide what you want, and go out and find it and open yourself to new experiences. At least thats what I feel.

 

Online dating can be quite fun if you stop talking it so seriously and negatively.

 

What? Luck is a HUGE part of the dating game. You happen to be in the right place at the right time to meet the right person or people. If your a week earlier or latter then your out of luck.

 

 

As to the rest of your post maybe I haven't been clear enough. You seem to think I am writing about my own experiences out of some sort of frustration.

 

What I am saying is what this study is saying that OLD is no better than meeting in a bar.

 

You need more of a link than to a article written for general interest here.

http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/grading-the-online-dating-industry.html

 

New Scientific Report Finds Some Positives, Many Areas for Improvement

 

 

The report card is in, and the online dating industry won’t be putting this one on the fridge. A new scientific report concludes that although online dating offers users some very real benefits, it falls far short of its potential.

 

Unheard of just twenty years ago, online dating is now a billion dollar industry and one of the most common ways for singles to meet potential partners. Many websites claim that they can help you find your “soulmate.” But do these online dating services live up to all the hype?

 

Not exactly, according to an article to be published in a forthcoming issue of Psychological Science in the Public Interest, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science.

 

In the article, a team of psychological scientists aims to get at the truth behind online dating, identifying the ways in which online dating may benefit or undermine singles’ romantic outcomes.

 

Lead author Eli Finkel, Associate Professor of Social Psychology at Northwestern University, recognizes that “online dating is a marvelous addition to the ways in which singles can meet potential romantic partners,” but he warns that “users need to be aware of its many pitfalls.”

 

Many online dating sites claim that they possess an exclusive formula, a so-called “matching algorithm,” that can match singles with partners who are especially compatible with them. But, after systematically reviewing the evidence, the authors conclude that such claims are unsubstantiated and likely false.

 

“To date, there is no compelling evidence that any online dating matching algorithm actually works,” Finkel observes. “If dating sites want to claim that their matching algorithm is scientifically valid, they need to adhere to the standards of science, which is something they have uniformly failed to do. In fact, our report concludes that it is unlikely that their algorithms can work, even in principle, given the limitations of the sorts of matching procedures that these sites use.”

 

The authors suggest that the existing matching algorithms neglect the most important insights from the flourishing discipline of relationship science. The algorithms seek to predict long-term romantic compatibility from characteristics of the two partners before they meet. Yet the strongest predictors of relationship well-being, such as a couple’s interaction style and ability to navigate stressful circumstances, cannot be assessed with such data.

 

According to Finkel, “developers of matching algorithms have tended to focus on the information that is easy for them to assess, like similarity in personality and attitudes, rather than the information that relationship science has found to be crucial for predicting long-term relationship well-being. As a result, these algorithms are unlikely to be effective.”

 

Many online dating sites market their ability to offer online daters access to a huge number of potential partners. However, online profiles are a feeble substitute for face-to-face contact when it comes to the crucial task of assessing romantic chemistry. Furthermore, browsing through all those online profiles may overwhelm people or encourage them to treat their search more like shopping than mate-finding, which can lead singles to pass over potential partners who are actually well-suited to them.

 

Finkel and his co-authors conclude that online dating is successful insofar as it rapidly helps singles meet potential partners in person, so that they can discover whether a romantic spark is there. The chats and messages people send through online dating sites may even help them to convey a positive initial impression, as long as people meet face-to-face relatively quickly.

 

Given the potentially serious consequences of intervening in people’s romantic lives, the authors hope that this report will push proprietors to build a more rigorous scientific foundation for online dating services. In a preface to the report, psychological scientist Arthur Aron at the State University of New York at Stony Brook recommends the creation of a panel that would grade the scientific credibility of each online dating site.

 

“Thus far, the industry certainly does not get an A for effort,” noted Finkel. “For years, the online dating industry has ignored actual relationship science in favor of unsubstantiated claims and buzzwords, like ‘matching algorithms,’ that merely sound scientific.”

 

He added, “In the comments section of the report card, I would write: ‘apply yourself!’”

 

Finkel co-authored this report with Paul Eastwick, assistant professor of psychology at Texas A&M University; Benjamin Karney, professor of psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles; Harry Reis, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester; and Susan Sprecher, professor of sociology and psychology at Illinois State University.

[aj22one]

I say this all the time about online dating. Just don't bother with it, especially if you're a guy since the numbers are so skewed. Yeah yeah some people do end up meeting (or marrying) great people they met online, but even a broken clock is right twice a day.

[kaylan]

What? Luck is a HUGE part of the dating game. You happen to be in the right place at the right time to meet the right person or people. If your a week earlier or latter then your out of luck.

 

 

As to the rest of your post maybe I haven't been clear enough. You seem to think I am writing about my own experiences out of some sort of frustration.

 

What I am saying is what this study is saying that OLD is no better than meeting in a bar.

 

You need more of a link than to a article written for general interest here.

http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/grading-the-online-dating-industry.html

Then your thread is mistitled and pointless.

 

If online dating is no better than meeting in a bar, but on par with it, why should people listen to you when you say "just dont bother with online dating".

 

Like I said, its another new means to an end. And its easier for many people.

 

Its another thing to pack away into ones arsenal. If someone wants to use online dating, meet up groups, bars, clubs, or good ole fashioned bumping into someone new, then I say use 'em all. Its good to have a varied basket full of tricks.

[Mrlonelyone]

@Kaylan

 

They said it is..... No better than.... meeting in a bar. That is not the same as equal to meeting in a bar.

 

Read the quotation. The psychologist point out that when meeting in person one has much more information to go on. Specifically body language, tone of voice use of eye contact. All the non verbal flirting cues.

 

Now I haven't said online dating is "bad". Just that for many many people it's a total waste of time. Specifically for a certain set of people here who have horror story after horror story about online dating. There's nothing wrong with those people, there's something wrong with online dating. Something which makes it a waste of time for many people. The lack of non verbal communication, and the addition of a great deal of deception.

[Mrlonelyone]

I say this all the time about online dating. Just don't bother with it, especially if you're a guy since the numbers are so skewed. Yeah yeah some people do end up meeting (or marrying) great people they met online, but even a broken clock is right twice a day.

 

That's yet another reason. What's worse is many of the online profiles of women are for women who are not active on the site any more.

 

Women can have the same problem. As most of the people going to OLD to get some extramarital flirty chat on, are married men.

 

Don't even get me started with what LGBT people put up with in OLD. Anything from deeply closeted folks to a plurality of people just looking to hook up and nothing more. That's in addition to the difficulties already mentioned.

[kaylan]

@Kaylan

 

They said it is..... No better than.... meeting in a bar. That is not the same as equal to meeting in a bar.

 

Read the quotation. The psychologist point out that when meeting in person one has much more information to go on. Specifically body language, tone of voice use of eye contact. All the non verbal flirting cues.

 

Now I haven't said online dating is "bad". Just that for many many people it's a total waste of time. Specifically for a certain set of people here who have horror story after horror story about online dating. There's nothing wrong with those people, there's something wrong with online dating. Something which makes it a waste of time for many people. The lack of non verbal communication, and the addition of a great deal of deception.

You should know that when someone says "no better than" they arent implying the other option is worse either. They are putting both options on par with one another. Thats how the saying is used.

 

And you keep glossing over the fact that online dating leads to real world interactions with body language and eye contact. So as I said, its another useful means to an end.

 

Sure online dating is a waste of time for many people, but its also quite useful for many people. Some people have constant horror stories with online dating just like some people have constant horror stories with "regular" dating.

 

Theres nothing wrong with online dating. It works for some, and it doesnt work for others. Just like bars work for some, and not for others. Same with clubs, meet up groups, and whatever else you can think of.

 

You say that you havent called online dating "bad", but everything you are saying implies just that. Especially your thread title as well.

Edited February 10, 2012 by kaylan