maylis Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 (edited) My situation in particular - in Nov my bf (now ex as of today) told me in his last relationship he used to hide a friendship with a girl. The information he gave me is that they basically had an emotional cheating thing going on (no sex, but flirting and keeping it from their significant others). I was concerned but he told me they hadn't spoke since her bf saw a message he had written (Jan 2011). 30 Dec I was taking his phone off the charger to charge mine and it rings - text message from this girl. I asked him about it and he said that he lied and they still do talk. I tried this entire last month to deal with it, we argued every week since then and its because he started keeping his phone on vibrate (first time in the entire time I have known him), if I asked any question in regards to that he got super defensive and she was continuing to text message him. Three nights ago he said he was just going to ignore them. two days ago he received another and I said it is best to deal with problems directly and not ignore her - tell her you aren't talking to her anymore. He said he wanted to do that in private, I was reluctant but eventually agreed if he did it by text message. He agreed. yesterday morning I asked if I could see his phone, he gave it to me. He asked why I wanted to see it and I said I want to be reassured and he said we think we should break up. I said I agreed and that was it. I am 30 and he is 27. Today -- ..he just left my apartment. he asked to come over to talk so i said yes. he asked what i thought about us breaking up i said if he was interested in getting back together with me it wouldnt be like that, it would have to be different he said he doesnt want to risk being in a relationship with me. i asked why he came over and he said he felt like it was hte right thing to do..? he asked if we could be friends and i said no. that was it, he was here like 10 minutes. someone PLEASE explain that one to me?!?!??! Seriously what was the point of him coming today to tell me exactly what we already said. Edited January 28, 2012 by maylis
EgoJoe Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Sounds like you did well to refuse a "power play" and weak offer of "friends".
Author maylis Posted January 28, 2012 Author Posted January 28, 2012 seriously stupid. i dont know why he needed to come all the way here to say that. i wonder if he was expecting me to beg him to get back together with me or something? so dumb.
Mcnulty Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Well done for being resolute. You should not be competing for his love with a girl from his past, he sounds like he's keeping all options open, kick him to the kerb permanently.
M2155 Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Because he didn't expect you to respond that way, he thought you would change your position. Good for you, it will probably eat away at him wondering if he messed up too.
Author maylis Posted January 28, 2012 Author Posted January 28, 2012 Because he didn't expect you to respond that way, he thought you would change your position. Good for you, it will probably eat away at him wondering if he messed up too. Thanks! I gave him all his crap back too so he has no reason to contact me again. A friend of mine thinks he will try again anyway.
Frank13 Posted January 28, 2012 Posted January 28, 2012 Hiding a "friendship with a girl means there is more to it than a friendship. He even admits that it is emotional cheating and it is still going on. You did the right thing as I can tell you despite what he says, he will not give up the "friendship" with the other girl. Notice how easy it was for him to break up.
Author maylis Posted January 28, 2012 Author Posted January 28, 2012 Hiding a "friendship with a girl means there is more to it than a friendship. He even admits that it is emotional cheating and it is still going on. You did the right thing as I can tell you despite what he says, he will not give up the "friendship" with the other girl. Notice how easy it was for him to break up. Good point! This has been going on with this girl at least a year now while he and I have only been dating 4 months.
Author maylis Posted January 29, 2012 Author Posted January 29, 2012 What do people think of this - If he is willing to meet with me, this girl and her boyfriend and we all talk about this in the open. This seems fair, no? If theres really nothing to hide they should both be willing to do this, right? This is if my ex contacts me and wants to try again, I won't make the effort to contact him first.
Frank13 Posted January 29, 2012 Posted January 29, 2012 What do people think of this - If he is willing to meet with me, this girl and her boyfriend and we all talk about this in the open. This seems fair, no? If theres really nothing to hide they should both be willing to do this, right? What makes you think they will want to do this? There is something to hide. He already told you this. He even called it emotional cheating. Even if they were to do this, it would be all for show on their part. Then it would go back to the emotional cheating for him.
flitzanu Posted January 30, 2012 Posted January 30, 2012 my question is, what happened in November that prompted the conversation about this "friend" of his, and him telling you?
Author maylis Posted January 30, 2012 Author Posted January 30, 2012 (edited) my question is, what happened in November that prompted the conversation about this "friend" of his, and him telling you? I was telling him that I have a friend who is a guy who I hadn't seen in a long time because his gf doesn't like me (I later found out she has a lot of problems etc so I am compassionate about it and know it isn't me). I explained that I think it is fine for my bfs to have girls who are friends if its just actually being friends and nothing weird. He then explained that his ex didnt like him to have friends who were girls. I thought that seemed weird if they were just friends. He then was telling me about this chic he worked with and how he hid it from his ex and she hid (and continues to hide it) from her boyfriend. He could have been honest and said they still talk now but instead he told me they hadn't talked since he sent a message a year ago that her bf found. I asked what the message said, he said he "doesnt remember" exactly but it was something about how he and she 'fit really well together'. I had a weird look on my face and he said they no longer talk since this message from a year ago. I said ok they don't talk anymore so I won't worry about it. He had the chance to say they still talk but he instead chose to lie to me. Edited January 30, 2012 by maylis
flitzanu Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 i can certainly relate with the situation, at least from his side. partly. i have many many female friends that i'm very close to, though not romantically. those friendships are usually pretty public though, and i can understand the jealousy they can cause on both sides. flat out hiding and lying about them as if they never existed though, on BOTH sides, that's pretty unusual. there's something strange going on that neither of them are admitting. i mean, you're not 13 years old and needing to hide your friendships from your partners, otherwise there are much bigger insecurity issues that are never going to allow them to have healthy relationships.
M2155 Posted January 31, 2012 Posted January 31, 2012 What do people think of this - If he is willing to meet with me, this girl and her boyfriend and we all talk about this in the open. This seems fair, no? If theres really nothing to hide they should both be willing to do this, right? This is if my ex contacts me and wants to try again, I won't make the effort to contact him first. This actually sounds pretty pointless. It won't ease your suspicion, now you'll just have a face and a name to add to it. Cutting contact with his emotional side-chick should be the goal, not encouraging it.
Author maylis Posted January 31, 2012 Author Posted January 31, 2012 i can certainly relate with the situation, at least from his side. partly. i have many many female friends that i'm very close to, though not romantically. those friendships are usually pretty public though, and i can understand the jealousy they can cause on both sides. flat out hiding and lying about them as if they never existed though, on BOTH sides, that's pretty unusual. there's something strange going on that neither of them are admitting. i mean, you're not 13 years old and needing to hide your friendships from your partners, otherwise there are much bigger insecurity issues that are never going to allow them to have healthy relationships. I thought it seemed weird too since I just told him I was fine with friendships. We are broken up though and I don't see anything being resolved though so I won't worry about it anymore.
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