soulm8 Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Hi LS, I'm going through a rough time and felt like sharing my thoughts with the hope that some of you can give me advice/support. I feel like I'm going crazy! Dating is supposed to be fun and exciting, but it isn't (for me) any more. I've lost count of how many dates I've ended up cancelling and each time I feel so terrible but also relieved. I think I must be trying to protect myself... but this is so extreme and unlike me. I literally get riddled with anxiety and the slightest possible red flag is magnified to the point where I would rather stay home and be written off. At first I thought it'd pass but I'm beginning to see that it's worsening and I'm becoming cynical and depressed over it. Anyone else been through this? How do I go about overcoming this? How do you go out to meet new people just for the fun of it? (I seem to have forgetton)
Feelsgoodman Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 If you are cancelling dates because of anxiety and depression, maybe you shouldn't be scheduling these dates in the first place. It sucks that you are going though a rough time, but why make other people suffer because of your problems? Maybe you need to take a break from the dating scene and fix whatever issues you are having before you start dating again.
Author soulm8 Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 (edited) If you are cancelling dates because of anxiety and depression, maybe you shouldn't be scheduling these dates in the first place. It sucks that you are going though a rough time, but why make other people suffer because of your problems? Maybe you need to take a break from the dating scene and fix whatever issues you are having before you start dating again. Let me clarify. I'm not accepting dates to hopefully feel better. The anxiety starts to kick in a few days after a date is accepted - and these are generally coffee dates/first time meeting from OLD. I try to overcome the anxiety and think it will go away, but it generally doesn't. I end up having to explain to my date, with at least 24 hours notice, that I'm sorry and hope he understands that I'm not as ready to date as I thought I was. I hate it. Some men are gracious and actually ask me out again in a few weeks time... but I just end up riddled with anxiety again. This is what's causing the "depression"... it's the guilt afterwards and fear that they're thinking I'm playing games that depresses me. And for the record, I have taken a break from the dating scene. Once I return to it thinking I'll be ok this time... I'm not. I'm just hoping someone here has helpful suggestion(s) to help me enjoy dating again. Edited January 7, 2012 by soulm8
Tybalt Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Do you think there's a social anxiety aspect to it? If it is OLD, then you are essentially going on "blind" dates. I can understand getting nervous over that. In my case, I find that when I work out beforehand, it gets the endorphins going and I feel less nervous about meeting a stranger. I also think spending time with friends and meeting non "prospects" is a good thing, and you may still meet potential dates that way in a lower pressure situation. If you are out and about, doing things you enjoy with friends, you might bump into someone and start chatting... Or your new girlfriend from yoga class might have a cousin or know a guy she'd love you to meet, and introduce you. In my opinion, OLD is a somewhat daunting way to go about meeting people. I wouldn't be so hard on yourself or assume it is dating itself that you don't like.
Author soulm8 Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 Do you think there's a social anxiety aspect to it? If it is OLD, then you are essentially going on "blind" dates. I can understand getting nervous over that. In my case, I find that when I work out beforehand, it gets the endorphins going and I feel less nervous about meeting a stranger. I also think spending time with friends and meeting non "prospects" is a good thing, and you may still meet potential dates that way in a lower pressure situation. If you are out and about, doing things you enjoy with friends, you might bump into someone and start chatting... Or your new girlfriend from yoga class might have a cousin or know a guy she'd love you to meet, and introduce you. In my opinion, OLD is a somewhat daunting way to go about meeting people. I wouldn't be so hard on yourself or assume it is dating itself that you don't like. Thanks Tybalt! You're right. I'm hoping that I've just had my fill of OLD experiences. That has to be it because I'm very comfortable interacting with random strangers in my every day life. I have no issues with getting along well and joking with men at work - maybe I should work on being a little more flirtatious rather than just being the friendly associate/co-worker or friendly, polite lady in public. I used to think nothing of meeting men for a coffee/first meet from OLD. However, after a few disappointing relationships, I must be sabotaging OLD. Perhaps the magnified red flags just seem magnified because my intuition and experience/radar have increased. Hmmmm
colliejoanie Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Let me clarify. I'm not accepting dates to hopefully feel better. The anxiety starts to kick in a few days after a date is accepted - and these are generally coffee dates/first time meeting from OLD. I try to overcome the anxiety and think it will go away, but it generally doesn't. I end up having to explain to my date, with at least 24 hours notice, that I'm sorry and hope he understands that I'm not as ready to date as I thought I was. I hate it. Some men are gracious and actually ask me out again in a few weeks time... but I just end up riddled with anxiety again. This is what's causing the "depression"... it's the guilt afterwards and fear that they're thinking I'm playing games that depresses me. And for the record, I have taken a break from the dating scene. Once I return to it thinking I'll be ok this time... I'm not. I'm just hoping someone here has helpful suggestion(s) to help me enjoy dating again. I'm sorry I don't know your back story....I don't know if you're recently out of a relationship or not. Whether it's a long term one, or a short term one that still hasn't been dealt with.....feeling anxious and "not ready" are absolutely valid feelings. Also, I think that after a while, being on so many dates that don't work out either from his side or yours, it is soooo easy to start to feel defeated. Like it will never work. But you pull yourself up by your boot straps in a moment of strength and make another date.....then a couple days goes by and the fear of rejection or having to reject comes into play again. I don't know the answer.....I think taking yourself away from dating, especially online (which is what I've done) is the best thing. Forget about a partner for the time being. Worry only about yourself. Good luck....and know that there is NOTHING wrong with you!
carhill Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Go out with a friend instead. Build on positive experiences. Everything in due time. Since you do not lack for potentials, taking a break won't hurt your stock at all. If anything it'll improve it because, if you meet a compatible man after working through this alone, you won't have anxiety about the deal and blow it up. The 'timing' will be right. Very few of us have not experienced what you're going through. Even if not active anxiety, I still feel 'meh' about dating over a year after our divorce was final. In comparison, my exW moved on and has had a live-in BF since before our D was final. Everyone is different. Each path is valid. Yours will work out for you.
Author soulm8 Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 I think that after a while, being on so many dates that don't work out either from his side or yours, it is soooo easy to start to feel defeated. Like it will never work. But you pull yourself up by your boot straps in a moment of strength and make another date.....then a couple days goes by and the fear of rejection or having to reject comes into play again. I think taking yourself away from dating, especially online (which is what I've done) is the best thing. Forget about a partner for the time being. Worry only about yourself. Good luck....and know that there is NOTHING wrong with you! Aww thank you colliejoanie! I really do think it must be time for me to quit OLD. It just appealed to me as a convenient way to put myself out there as available. Yep. Time for me to come out of my shell a bit more and stop being so reserved and "proper". I'm so glad I posted here tonight. I was honestly feeling very, very defeated. Absolutely.
Author soulm8 Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 Go out with a friend instead. Build on positive experiences. Everything in due time. Since you do not lack for potentials, taking a break won't hurt your stock at all. If anything it'll improve it because, if you meet a compatible man after working through this alone, you won't have anxiety about the deal and blow it up. The 'timing' will be right. Very few of us have not experienced what you're going through. Even if not active anxiety, I still feel 'meh' about dating over a year after our divorce was final. In comparison, my exW moved on and has had a live-in BF since before our D was final. Everyone is different. Each path is valid. Yours will work out for you. Carhill thanks for posting! You're the type of man I've been hoping to meet IRL (honestly). A few times I thought he found me, but I've had terrible luck. I either get friend-zoned because of my reserved nature or a more forward (and fast moving) woman catches their attention. See, this anxiety bit is new for me. In the past, I wouldn't hesitate to cancel if I was feeling 'meh' because I just can't and refuse to lead someone on. My divorce was final almost 4 years ago. Since then, I've had one "real" relationship that didn't work out because he turned out to be an alcoholic. My last "relationship" was my first experience with a player, and I must still be recovering from it... over a year later.
betterdeal Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Take a few weeks off the dating treadmill and do a lot of positive self-talk. Leave post-it notes around the house and your workplace with positive feedback about yourself. When you get up, say "I'm good" at least five times, and do that another 5 times over the day. If you remember Happy Days, be The Fonz and do yourself a cheesy thumbs up every time you see a mirror. Your self-confidence will improve. Whether you choose to get back into formal dating thereafter, is something to decide in a few weeks when you feel more in touch with yourself. When you stop thinking "am I good enough" and start thinking "is he good enough" that's when things will start changing for you. But if you're naturally anxious or melancholic, that is what's on offer. There is a certain beauty only sadness brings, and a guy with enough courage and honesty will still see the real you. I'd much rather get to know someone under her maudlin clouds, than have to spend time trying to look past a shiny, happy, plastic façade.
Author soulm8 Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 Take a few weeks off the dating treadmill and do a lot of positive self-talk. Whether you choose to get back into formal dating thereafter, is something to decide in a few weeks when you feel more in touch with yourself. When you stop thinking "am I good enough" and start thinking "is he good enough" that's when things will start changing for you. But if you're naturally anxious or melancholic, that is what's on offer. There is a certain beauty only sadness brings, and a guy with enough courage and honesty will still see the real you. I'd much rather get to know someone under her maudlin clouds, than have to spend time trying to look past a shiny, happy, plastic façade. I understand what you're saying dasein and betterdeal, but I'm not "exhausted" or in need of taking a few weeks off the dating treadmill. I might accept a date once a month, IF the man seems reasonably close to what I'm looking for and "good enough". The odd time I actually go through with a date AND like him AND we agree to set another date, it might work out to two dates in a month. This isn't a case of my needing to boost my self esteem with positive self-talk or wondering if I'm good enough. It's actually the opposite. As soon as I discover an amber flag... it almost automatically turns red and I seem to have lost the desire to even probe for an explanation. It's as if I now expect to be lied to so why bother. :| I'm a pretty easy going, girl next door type. My favorite quote is "Life is a journey, not a destination." Anxiety and melancholy aren't typical for me. I avoid façades... I crave genuine.
Dust Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 You need a sleep over. With truth or dare. Prank calls. and some tasty food. Maybe some scary stories too like that one about the guy with the claw for a hand...
betterdeal Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I understand what you're saying dasein and betterdeal, but I'm not "exhausted" or in need of taking a few weeks off the dating treadmill. I might accept a date once a month, IF the man seems reasonably close to what I'm looking for and "good enough". The odd time I actually go through with a date AND like him AND we agree to set another date, it might work out to two dates in a month. This isn't a case of my needing to boost my self esteem with positive self-talk or wondering if I'm good enough. It's actually the opposite. As soon as I discover an amber flag... it almost automatically turns red and I seem to have lost the desire to even probe for an explanation. It's as if I now expect to be lied to so why bother. :| I'm a pretty easy going, girl next door type. My favorite quote is "Life is a journey, not a destination." Anxiety and melancholy aren't typical for me. I avoid façades... I crave genuine. My mistake. I misunderstood.
Author soulm8 Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 Dust! That does sound fun. Betterdeal, thanks for nothing (kidding of course!)
betterdeal Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I'm bruised! So why is it you do online dating?
Meeks7 Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 soulm8, you just gotta tell yourself honey that your date is just as nervous as you are. As my dear old uncle Jimmy always used to say, when you show up good things happen. BTW, you aren't my soulmate are you? I'm Meeks7 and you're soulM(eeks)8. Hmmmm... *rubs chin* why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7-8-9! Oh watch out now, I'm on a roll tonight!
dasein Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 I understand what you're saying dasein and betterdeal, but I'm not "exhausted" or in need of taking a few weeks off the dating treadmill. OK, so was "riddled with anxiety" kind of hyperbolic in the OP? If it was that's cool, I do it all the time myself here, but if not, that kind of self-descriptor tends to walk hand in hand with exhaustion or at least extreme stress.
FitChick Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Sounds like your core beliefs are being triggered, i.e. I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm a failure, etc., and/or any others that apply specifically to you. Easy fix. Eliminate the beliefs using the Lefkoe Method. Totally changed my dating life. I approach new dates with curiousity and excitement, not dread. The way you are now, you set up self-fulfilling prophecies. Create something new and better.
OliveOyl Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Sounds like your core beliefs are being triggered, i.e. I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm a failure, etc., and/or any others that apply specifically to you. Easy fix. Eliminate the beliefs using the Lefkoe Method. Totally changed my dating life. I approach new dates with curiousity and excitement, not dread. The way you are now, you set up self-fulfilling prophecies. Create something new and better. Yeah, I'm with FitChick. I haven't used the Lefkoe method specifically but I think in this case you need to sit down and examine your anxiety and the beliefs and emotions behind it. And then let the limiting beliefs go. Yes easier said than done but try the Lefkoe method or any other method of self-examination to acknowledge the limiting beliefs and finally let them go.
Ross MwcFan Posted January 7, 2012 Posted January 7, 2012 Hi LS, I'm going through a rough time and felt like sharing my thoughts with the hope that some of you can give me advice/support. I feel like I'm going crazy! Dating is supposed to be fun and exciting, but it isn't (for me) any more. I've lost count of how many dates I've ended up cancelling and each time I feel so terrible but also relieved. I think I must be trying to protect myself... but this is so extreme and unlike me. I literally get riddled with anxiety and the slightest possible red flag is magnified to the point where I would rather stay home and be written off. At first I thought it'd pass but I'm beginning to see that it's worsening and I'm becoming cynical and depressed over it. Anyone else been through this? How do I go about overcoming this? How do you go out to meet new people just for the fun of it? (I seem to have forgetton) I kind of go through the same. Slightest possible red flags don't worry me. But I think right now I'm too depressed and anxious to actually date. One major worry that I have is not being able to think of much to say on the date, and for it to just feel really awkward.
Author soulm8 Posted January 7, 2012 Author Posted January 7, 2012 I'm bruised! So why is it you do online dating? I've done online dating because men just don't ask me out otherwise. I have never been asked for my number out in public despite my friendly, approachable demeanour. There's something about me that most men shy away from romancing me. soulm8, you just gotta tell yourself honey that your date is just as nervous as you are. As my dear old uncle Jimmy always used to say, when you show up good things happen. BTW, you aren't my soulmate are you? I'm Meeks7 and you're soulM(eeks)8. Hmmmm... *rubs chin* why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7-8-9! Oh watch out now, I'm on a roll tonight! Please tell dear old uncle Jimmy that it's a rarity for me... I show up and the man doesn't quite match the online profile or even the conversations we've shared. It's not so much nerves, it's become an ambivalence. soulM(eeks)8 very cute! OK, so was "riddled with anxiety" kind of hyperbolic in the OP? If it was that's cool, I do it all the time myself here, but if not, that kind of self-descriptor tends to walk hand in hand with exhaustion or at least extreme stress. Yes, "Riddled with anxiety" was a poor choice of words. I posted my OP within minutes of getting off the phone with a rejected date who'd been trying to change my mind for a few days and I was feeling very frustrated and disappointed, and emotional. The rest of my life is in balance so I'm not exhausted or stressed in general. I think a lot of it has to with my boundaries tightening up tbh. I used to be extremely open minded and go with the flow... to each their own type of girl. In the past, I would have gone through with the date just to see if the 'meh' feeling would go away. It's also possible I was second-guessing myself and feeling anxious because this specific man is trying to manipulate me? At least that's how I feel. Usually, if someone cancels a (coffee/first meet) date, it's no big deal from either side. But this guy keeps coming back and asking and even going so far as texting me while he's sipping his coffee at the location we agreed on. No, I didn't stand him up - he chose to go anyway and told me in advance he'd be there if I decided to come say hi. Sounds like your core beliefs are being triggered, i.e. I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm a failure, etc., and/or any others that apply specifically to you. Easy fix. Eliminate the beliefs using the Lefkoe Method. Totally changed my dating life. I approach new dates with curiousity and excitement, not dread. The way you are now, you set up self-fulfilling prophecies. Create something new and better. I understand what you're saying FitChick, but I think you're misunderstanding me. I know I'm good enough and very lovable, etc. The man I end up with will be a lucky SOB. I'm cute, sociable, career driven, healthy, very sexual and passionate, and very faithful... I just expect the same or very similar. The first sign that he doesn't live up to what I'm looking for in a man and I can't ignore it like I used to. It's like an alarm goes off and the only way to shut it off is to cancel the date and hope like hell he doesn't try to change my mind. Yeah, I'm with FitChick. I haven't used the Lefkoe method specifically but I think in this case you need to sit down and examine your anxiety and the beliefs and emotions behind it. And then let the limiting beliefs go. Yes easier said than done but try the Lefkoe method or any other method of self-examination to acknowledge the limiting beliefs and finally let them go. Thanks OliveOyl (love that username btw!) Again, I think both of you and betterdeal, are reading too much into what I shared, otherwise I'm missing something. I'm open to it, and don't think I'm in denial! I just think I've been meeting the wrong men and my tolerance has expired. I kind of go through the same. Slightest possible red flags don't worry me. But I think right now I'm too depressed and anxious to actually date. One major worry that I have is not being able to think of much to say on the date, and for it to just feel really awkward. Oh Ross. I understand. I've never really worried about what to say on dates or if they feel really awkward... you know why? Because... the natural flow of your conversations and any instances of awkwardness are a natural part of getting to know someone new. Some people we instantly click with and others can be the complete opposite, but you just smile, be courtious and accept that you're not going to click with each person you meet. We're all unique, we're all looking for what we're looking for, and we're all just humans being.
Author soulm8 Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 Well, I think this must have been a case of my gut trying to keep me from making a mistake. We got along very well online and on the phone, but the more we spoke and the more time that passed, I started noticing flags that resemble my dealbreakers... I should actually be happy that I'm now recognizing my dealbreakers easier before even meeting. I'd just really like to recognize them without the anxiety part going forward .
Ross MwcFan Posted January 8, 2012 Posted January 8, 2012 Oh Ross. I understand. I've never really worried about what to say on dates or if they feel really awkward... you know why? Because... the natural flow of your conversations and any instances of awkwardness are a natural part of getting to know someone new. Some people we instantly click with and others can be the complete opposite, but you just smile, be courtious and accept that you're not going to click with each person you meet. We're all unique, we're all looking for what we're looking for, and we're all just humans being. I think my main problem is that when it goes quiet, I'm so terrible at being able to think of something to say, and it's always usually the other person who has to come up with something. This happens with pretty much everyone.
Author soulm8 Posted January 8, 2012 Author Posted January 8, 2012 I think my main problem is that when it goes quiet, I'm so terrible at being able to think of something to say, and it's always usually the other person who has to come up with something. This happens with pretty much everyone. Ah, yes. You're only responsible for half of the "quiet" Do yourself a favor... make a list of questions that you'd generally like to ask a new date to get to know her better. Include some general questions about her values and goals, and life experiences. Women LOVE to be asked questions! Having a list of questions in your mind will help you out of the quiet moments, but also further the conversation with useful information. Current events are great for this as well - comment on something that's going on and see if she's even aware, interested or ignorant. Try to think of it as a game of ping pong. You rescue the two of you from any quiet gaps... and then it (should be) her turn. If you rely on your date to carry all of the conversation, she'll either feel like you aren't interested in her or that you're not a good match. Practice talking to strangers where ever you go. At the gas station or getting groceries... make small talk any chance you get with whoever happens to be standing there with you. Smiling and just commenting on stuff like the weather or current events is considered friendly for the most part. Think of it as your mission to break the silence!
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