Define Chemistry

[kaylan]

(If this post is too long for you to read, please read the bold question at the end of the post.)

 

I thought to make this thread because I see some guys complaining that they have no idea what chemistry is when women speak of it. Im going to theorize a bit based on my experiences and from what Ive seen watching others.

 

I think most guys know what it is, but that some here are left behind without this useful information. Basically for most dudes, the first thing that goes through our mind when we meet a girl is "would I screw her" and then we ask ourselves "could I screw her". Its a fact of life due to all the testosterone. Whatevs. I also think some guys simply think of chemistry as the answer to those questions. If they feel they would sleep with her, then the guy feels chemistry exists on his part. Remember, I said some guys view chemistry as simply being physical, not all.

 

 

For me, Total Chemistry = physical chemistry + mental/intellectual chemistry + emotional chemistry

 

To break this down even further I see any chemistry as formed like this:

 

attraction ---> connection ---> chemistry

Basically, attraction creates a spark, a spark to get closer to someone. By being closer a connection is made with this person. Thereafter chemistry is created and thus flows for some fun times ....be they physical, emotional, mental, or any combination of the 3

 

Now, relationships are possible without all 3 forms of chemistry. Some relationships are simply physical with awesome sex, but may lack emotional intimacy. Some relationships may be intensely stimulating in the intellectual department, but lack in the bedroom. And some relationships may be loving and intimate, but one may find their partner doesnt connect with them conversationally.

 

That being said, though relationships are possible without all 3 components of total chemistry, they generally do not last...and sometimes if they do last some time, they possibly contain unhappy partner(s). I believe those relationships that are the happiest usually have all 3 components.

 

Anyways, when someone says that there is no chemistry, it can be any one of those 3 things. Ive said all these things before:

 

"Yeah shes attractive, and shes nice too, but shes an airhead...I cant talk to her about things that interest me" (lack of intellectual/mental chemistry)

 

"We get along great, and I can talk to her about politics, soccer, anything. And shes sexy to boot...but shes not really affectionate, and doesnt seem open with her feelings...I dealt with that with my ex...dunno if I can deal with that again" (lack of emotional chemistry)

 

"Shes an awesome girl. Really smart, fun to talk to, and really loving...but I dunno...I dont feel super attracted to her...it seems lacking a bit...which sucks cus she has the other stuff going for her" (lack of physical attraction)

 

 

So you see, Ive said either of these things before because I look for the total package in a girlfriend. I just think some people need to understand that when someone says "theres no spark" or "theres no chemistry" It can be either one of those situations. It doesnt always mean the person isnt physically attracted to you or thinks youre not sexy.

 

Hell, thats why some of us have had FWBs...because the physical was there, but nothing else was.

 

 

So you tell me: How do you define Chemistry in your dating life?

 

And please, lets not have this thread turn into a man vs woman thing. No posts that flame either gender. Answer the question and if you have to criticize something, do it respectfully.

 

Also, watch this http://www.yourtango.com/201061863/4-types-attraction . I left out Soul/Spiritual attraction because I felt the other 3 attractions were summed up to create it.

Edited December 30, 2011 by kaylan
Edit proofread

[El Brujo]

Chemistry:

The art of making explosions by mixing two or more mysterious substances together in test tubes.

[Emilia]

I'm not sure whether I can break chemistry down to clear components such as intellectual, physical and emotional. I suppose intellect comes into it because I have to respect someone in order to fancy him and clearly I won't respect a moron. At the same time I don't necessarily care whether he is into current affairs - as long as he has interests and isn't an airhead.

 

Also, the physical and emotional attraction are hard to separate. It's strong connection, appreciating the love and affection from the other person as well as experiencing the sort of sexual desire where I'm so turned on by him, it almost doesn't matter what he does, it will be incredibly sexy to me.

 

So I suppose to answer your question, chemistry is the early formation of romantic love where intuitively I feel there is potential for something deeper because we click.

[oaks]

So you tell me: How do you define Chemistry in your dating life?

 

Chemistry is a kind of feeling.

 

If you have to analyse feelings down to the definition of the thing then you lose the soul of the thing. You'll know it when you have it, and that's all you should need.

[Andy_K]

Chemistry is the bane of my life, and by far the single most common reason for not getting a second date.

 

All that physcial/mental/emotional connection stuff can/will/does happen every single time once I've slept with a girl, hence every girlfriend I've ever had tells me I'm amazing and hopes I'm The One.

 

However, if it doesn't happen instantly on date 1, most aren't interested in going any further. There's never any middle ground.

[Emilia]

Chemistry is the bane of my life, and by far the single most common reason for not getting a second date.

 

All that physcial/mental/emotional connection stuff can/will/does happen every single time once I've slept with a girl, hence every girlfriend I've ever had tells me I'm amazing and hopes I'm The One.

 

However, if it doesn't happen instantly on date 1, most aren't interested in going any further. There's never any middle ground.

 

You date a lot from online dating sites though, don't you? There is no meeting in person before a set up date.

[Andy_K]

Yup, indeed I do.

 

On the plus side, the standard of girl I'm getting first dates with is higher than it ever used to be. On the down side, the conversion rate from 1st date to 2nd date is much lower then it used to be, even though the dates themselves feel much the same to me.

 

Still, only need one lucky meetup I guess...

[Emilia]

Yup, indeed I do.

 

On the plus side, the standard of girl I'm getting first dates with is higher than it ever used to be. On the down side, the conversion rate from 1st date to 2nd date is much lower then it used to be, even though the dates themselves feel much the same to me.

 

Still, only need one lucky meetup I guess...

 

That's interesting. I have a very limited experience of online dating because I need that banter/rapport thing that's easier to achieve offline but the dates I had were very different with each man depending on whether we liked each other or not.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I agree with your idea, but I think what we call "chemistry" is slightly different from what you are thinking. It's a bit more complex.

 

For example... the old opposites attract can be a very potent chemistry.

 

The big confusion about chemistry is that it's different for everyone. Chemistry occurs when a woman meets a guy who fills a highly important emotional need. Even physical chemistry is often fulfilling an emotional need.

 

This is one reason why guys tend to be a bit clueless about what people call "chemistry", because guys tend to less in touch or focused on their emotional needs.

[El Brujo]

Just don't mix iodine crystals with aluminum powder. Trust me on that.

[snug.bunny]

I describe the basis for chemistry between two people as a sort of unknown "familiarity". That "familiarity" can be mental chemistry, emotional chemistry, perhaps physical chemistry and for those that believe in it, spiritual chemistry.

 

So the components are:

Physical = lust (creates desire)

Mental = intellectual (generates interest)

Emotional = attachment (affection)

 

I think when two people meet and interact, or are simply present, that "familiarity" component acts as a sort of "magnet". Perhaps that is why with romantic chemistry, they say "like attracts like". There is something about the person that generates a "click" in the subconscious (and what is a "subconscious"....It is existing in the mind but not immediately available to consciousness...).

 

While having "chemistry" is important, sharing similar values and practices should be equally important. Compatibility produces long-term sustainability whereas chemistry might decrease over time or diminish completely. If two people have very different core values, chances are, it won't sustain over time and can snuff out "chemistry" altogether. I like the idea that part of having "good chemistry" overall is a natural ability to "ignite" certain things in one another that produces a good, healthy outcome whereas both people grow together as a couple and as individuals, not just physically, mentally and emotionally, but spiritually.

 

Anyway, that is my take on it. It's very hard to quantify what's what when it is actually happening and whether or not too people will sustain long-term. Is love a choice, or an action, or is it fate. Who knows. I've explored the topic many times in my head and in conversations with other people. I think it's one of those unknown mysteries in life that people find both interesting and fascinating.

[curlygirl40]

Chemistry. So intangible but yet so obviously there or not there.

 

If I had to guess, in the past 1.5 years I have been on 15 online first dates. MOST of the guys were better looking than their pictures. That's a fact.

 

Only 3 of those guys did I feel chemistry with. 2 out of 3 that I felt chemistry with were guys that would not have caught my eye from across the room if I saw them in a bar or store or something. Not ugly but not super attractive either.

 

For me it's a feeling. It's being able to have a conversation with ease. It's being able to make each other laugh. A sparkle in their eye that shows they are motivated and passionate about something. I don't care how much money they make or what kind of place they live in or what kind of car they drive. Make me laugh, be able to talk about a bunch of subjects, have some character, be a little blue collar and maybe a little rough around the edges and I'm interested.