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Is it denial? I don't know what to think. So many internal struggles during NC. :(

ZimboGon

By ZimboGon
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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ZimboGon Established Member

ZimboGon

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Hi guys, you might have seen my other threads around here lately..

 

My girlfriend left me a month ago for another guy. We were an amazing couple, and i was a great boyfriend whom she took for granted. At first, i was heartbroken. She kept me as her fallback, leading me along while she talked to him. We were victims of circumstance, and throughout the whole thing she still had feelings for me. Finally she picked him over me, yet she wanted to stay friends with me. She kept contacting me, and stalking my facebook. Finally i just said, "Enough, you've made your decision so live with it. I hope you don't regret it because i really did love you." and i blocked her.

 

I live my life in a very positive light. So much so, it almost becomes a problem. I procrastinate in life because i always have the idea that everything will work out in the end no matter what happens. This thing with my ex, i can't get past it. I feel she is my soul mate. My friends tell me this means i just haven't gotten over her yet, but i can't get past the idea that we are going to get back together. She will realize she made a mistake in the next few coming months and contact me somehow and ask for me back, and we will get a chance to start over with everything we have learned.

 

I can't get past this thought, no matter how much i try. She was so much a part of my life like any other family member. I try and let the possibilty that its over sink in, and sure it stings for a little but 5 or 10 minutes later i go back into my own state of mind. My state of mind to let her live her life for awhile, and i will live my life until she comes back one day.

 

I mean, is this getting in the way of my healing? Because sure, i have some resentment for what she did but i've mostly forgiven it. I don't really feel upset, just maybe a bit lonely because i am single. In general i feel pretty happy, like i used to be, and expecting us to get back together.

 

I just can't shake it...

Million.to.1 Established Member

Million.to.1

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I feel for you, I really do.

 

Can you change that positive thought of "everything will work out ok in the end...and she'll come back.." to "everything will work out ok in the end if she comes back or not" ?

 

You seem to have your head screwed on and are conducting your self well considering the pain you are going through. Keep busy, don't contact her, and don't wait.

 

She is not your soul mate at the moment, right here, right now, and that's all the matters.

 

I don't believe there is just "one" person or a soul mate, there are many. And if there was just one....they wouldn't leave you and risk losing you.

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ZimboGon Established Member

ZimboGon

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I feel for you, I really do.

 

Can you change that positive thought of "everything will work out ok in the end...and she'll come back.." to "everything will work out ok in the end if she comes back or not" ?

 

You seem to have your head screwed on and are conducting your self well considering the pain you are going through. Keep busy, don't contact her, and don't wait.

 

She is not your soul mate at the moment, right here, right now, and that's all the matters.

 

I don't believe there is just "one" person or a soul mate, there are many. And if there was just one....they wouldn't leave you and risk losing you.

 

Thank you for your reply :)

 

I've been trying to change my mindset. The break-up was just so abrupt and sudden. I could never imagine in a million years that i would have lost her. Our chemistry was perfect.

 

I'm not the kind of the guy enjoys playing the field. I find a girl i really love, and i stay dedicated. She was a pretty broken person, and i promised her no matter what i would always be there for her and protect her. Its just weird, thinking that i won't be able to do that. Its a very unsettling feeling thinking that there might be some other person to perform that role in her life.

 

It just makes me happy to feel like we will become reunited one day. The thought of losing her is impossible to me. She broke my heart and left me for another guy, but i understand why it all happened.

 

So, everyday i just walk with a smile in my step that we will come together one day. She will contact me. She will finally figure out what she wants in life, and that it is a committed relationship with a guy who genuinely loved her. I may be lying to myself, but... It makes me comfortable with the pain. It also makes me willing to stay out of contact with her. I feel walking away will bring her closer. If i thought that no contact would seal the door and distance us both, i wouldn't be able to handle it.

Edited by ZimboGon
SkyEmtRN Established Member

SkyEmtRN

Posted
Posted
Hi guys, you might have seen my other threads around here lately..

 

My girlfriend left me a month ago for another guy. We were an amazing couple, and i was a great boyfriend whom she took for granted. At first, i was heartbroken. She kept me as her fallback, leading me along while she talked to him. We were victims of circumstance, and throughout the whole thing she still had feelings for me. Finally she picked him over me, yet she wanted to stay friends with me. She kept contacting me, and stalking my facebook. Finally i just said, "Enough, you've made your decision so live with it. I hope you don't regret it because i really did love you." and i blocked her.

 

I live my life in a very positive light. So much so, it almost becomes a problem. I procrastinate in life because i always have the idea that everything will work out in the end no matter what happens. This thing with my ex, i can't get past it. I feel she is my soul mate. My friends tell me this means i just haven't gotten over her yet, but i can't get past the idea that we are going to get back together. She will realize she made a mistake in the next few coming months and contact me somehow and ask for me back, and we will get a chance to start over with everything we have learned.

 

I can't get past this thought, no matter how much i try. She was so much a part of my life like any other family member. I try and let the possibilty that its over sink in, and sure it stings for a little but 5 or 10 minutes later i go back into my own state of mind. My state of mind to let her live her life for awhile, and i will live my life until she comes back one day.

 

I mean, is this getting in the way of my healing? Because sure, i have some resentment for what she did but i've mostly forgiven it. I don't really feel upset, just maybe a bit lonely because i am single. In general i feel pretty happy, like i used to be, and expecting us to get back together.

 

I just can't shake it...

 

Looks like where in the same boat except I took my ex for granted and she left me. 2 months of fighting for her back and begging and nothing in return. I learned from my mistakes and I am fixing them. I feel your pain.

 

Try my breathing technique to clear your mind temporarily. It stops the shakes and reduces anxiety. It also helps you fall asleep faster. It helps get me through the night.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t310072/

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ZimboGon Established Member

ZimboGon

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Thanks. I don't really feel to terribly upset about it, unless i reflect on a memory of her and the other guy, or her lying to me and then my stomach just sinks.

 

I've basically killed her off in my head, so anytime i hear about activity about her or that she is doing something it really makes me upset. I was on facebook last night, and i have her blocked. My friend had a status with 20 comments on it, and i could only see around 12 and i saw they were writing my ex's name.

 

I know it wasn't a big deal, but just to know she was on there joking around like that really disturbs me. Just knowing about her presence.

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ZimboGon Established Member

ZimboGon

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Bump for attention :3

Codez Member

Codez

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Posted

I don't believe there is just "one" person or a soul mate, there are many. And if there was just one....they wouldn't leave you and risk losing you.

 

^Yes

 

 

I'm sorry you were treated like this, you don't deserve it. And honestly, she doesn't deserve someone like you.

 

Give it some time. You can't expect to be all fine and dandy in a month.

 

Look at it for what it is, she left you for someone else... That is betrayal. Soul mates do not betray one another.

 

Heal, get yourself right and eventually you'll find someone that shares the same heart you do.

thepedestrian Established Member

thepedestrian

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Posted

Sorry Zimbo, I don't really know what to say except for you have to move on and improve yourself. Find happiness with in yourself. I'm in a situation where one day there might be reconciliation with my ex similar to yours but also different.

 

I can't control what shes doing now and who she is hanging out with. Neither can you. You have to not try to not let it bother you and think about it. (Much easier said than done) Your ex lied to that - remember that. She broke your trust. Don't idealize her.

 

How I look at it - I can either improve myself and become happy or get in a rut and become sad as hell while I obsess over her. If there's a chance of reconciliation which one is my EX going to be more into? The happy guy who is in the best shape of his life and a better person or the guy who obsessed over her for 6 months? ;)

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ZimboGon Established Member

ZimboGon

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Thanks guys :)

 

The thing is, i have been changing. I work out constantly, i've gotten really fit, bought some nice clothes, got a goetee, and i've started growing my hair out. I feel different. I feel like the person i was two or three years ago. I was able to go out in public and walk like a complete idiot for the fun of it, despite what everyone else might think. For the start of our relationship, i was like this. She turned into me and let herself go.

 

Then, 4 months ago things changed and i changed. I got more depressed, reclusive and so afraid of losing her basically everything i did was for her benefit and for the relationship.

 

I think from the break-up in general, i've learned a lot. She wasn't my life and i shouldn't have acted that way. I know now that when i'm in a relationship to keep it separate, stay who i am and live my life at the same time. Its sad, but thinking about us getting back together is a big motivator in me improving myself for the better. I have matured since the relationship, and now being single and being able to look at it as a whole, i have learned a lot that i will take with me in my future.

 

Only problem is i still want that future to be with her. I'm trying not to wait on her, honestly. Its just hard when i care about her so much and i know the person she used to be. It was completely different when we started dating. I was her world, she was so devoted to me. She was always there.

Codez Member

Codez

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I know how it feels man... When they were so dedicated to you and so in love with you. But that's not how they feel anymore. People change.

 

Do you really want to spend the rest of you life with someone that left you for someone else? Think about this.

 

Keep bettering yourself, you are doing a good job so far.

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ZimboGon Established Member

ZimboGon

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I can't believe me just threw me away...

 

She isn't coming back, is she? She's young, she immature... she threw away everything. It sucks a night... I remember when i first started liking her. A group of friends (mixed mine and hers) went ice skating, and she was a complete klutz. My feet were too big to wear rent skates, so i pulled the manager aside and pointed at her. He asked me, "Oh, is that your girl?" and i replied "I want it to be." He didn't want me to get my feet cut (i have on flip-flops) so i bribed him 20 bucks to get out on the ice.

 

She was so awkward on the ice, she held onto me the whole time while i pulled her and balanced her. :/

Codez Member

Codez

Posted
Posted

Believe me, you will have plenty of time for making new/better memories.

 

Heal yourself completely, worry about you...

 

Who knows what will happen in the future, but since you'll be healed you'll know exactly how to react.

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ZimboGon Established Member

ZimboGon

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Believe me, you will have plenty of time for making new/better memories.

 

Heal yourself completely, worry about you...

 

Who knows what will happen in the future, but since you'll be healed you'll know exactly how to react.

 

Yeah, i've been feeling better lately. Working on myself and everything, hanging out with my buddies. I'm just pretty certain i want things to work out in the future with her, and i don't think that judgement is clouded by emotions or anything. I've looked at it all logically.

 

But who knows how i will feel in the next few months. I just know i've already forgiven her for what she did and understand why it happened.

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ZimboGon Established Member

ZimboGon

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UGH. I don't know why i did it but i was looking at my prom pictures.

 

She looked so sexy. I had the best girlfriend in the whole group, she was absolutely stunning.

thepedestrian Established Member

thepedestrian

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You know what always pumps me up when I'm sad? The Rocky Balboa speech to his son. Look it up on youtube :)

 

"Don't be sad its over, be happy it happened" One of my favorite quotes and how I try to look at my EX being done with me. (Even though if thinks dont work out with her current boy there is a very high chance of reconciliation)

thepedestrian Established Member

thepedestrian

Posted
Posted

You know what always pumps me up when I'm sad? The Rocky Balboa speech to his son. Look it up on youtube :)

 

"Don't be sad its over, be happy it happened" One of my favorite quotes and how I try to look at my EX being done with me. (Even though if thinks dont work out with her current boy there is a very high chance of reconciliation)

 

I'm not dwelling on it!!

SkyEmtRN Established Member

SkyEmtRN

Posted
Posted
You know what always pumps me up when I'm sad? The Rocky Balboa speech to his son. Look it up on youtube :)

 

"Don't be sad its over, be happy it happened" One of my favorite quotes and how I try to look at my EX being done with me. (Even though if thinks dont work out with her current boy there is a very high chance of reconciliation)

 

I'm not dwelling on it!!

 

I love the other speach.

 

"the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows.....it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you get hit and keep moving forward...

 

Very inspirational movie!!

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ZimboGon Established Member

ZimboGon

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I'm faltering... :/

 

I unblocked her on facebook and i've seen her post on a lot of status, like her normal self. It shouldn't bother me as much as it does... But is she really gone?

 

I haven't been able to eat or sleep. I won't break NC though. It would be pointless... she painted me black and wouldn't even care anyway...

triplethreat New Member

triplethreat

Posted
Posted
I'm faltering... :/

 

I unblocked her on facebook and i've seen her post on a lot of status, like her normal self. It shouldn't bother me as much as it does... But is she really gone?

 

I haven't been able to eat or sleep. I won't break NC though. It would be pointless... she painted me black and wouldn't even care anyway...

 

You are doing better than I have. The breakup I has was also very abrupt and I have broken NC a few times, all to be hurt over again. I know it is hard to remember, but write something down on a note card for those times when you feel like giving up. What I have written down is this:

 

[insert Your Name], I know that there are moments where you feel like your life is incomplete without [her], but you are alive. You must better yourself before she will ever even consider taking you back. Be the man you know she wants, and eventually, she will find her way back.

 

Every time I feel like breaking NC or just think about her coming back, I pull the note card out from my pocket and remind myself why life is worth living. You need to eat, you need to sleep, you need to better yourself. I am 1 month post breakup but it feels like forever. Take one day at a time, many of us are going through the same thing you are.

SkyEmtRN Established Member

SkyEmtRN

Posted
Posted
You are doing better than I have. The breakup I has was also very abrupt and I have broken NC a few times, all to be hurt over again. I know it is hard to remember, but write something down on a note card for those times when you feel like giving up. What I have written down is this:

 

[insert Your Name], I know that there are moments where you feel like your life is incomplete without [her], but you are alive. You must better yourself before she will ever even consider taking you back. Be the man you know she wants, and eventually, she will find her way back.

 

Every time I feel like breaking NC or just think about her coming back, I pull the note card out from my pocket and remind myself why life is worth living. You need to eat, you need to sleep, you need to better yourself. I am 1 month post breakup but it feels like forever. Take one day at a time, many of us are going through the same thing you are.

 

 

I like your idea but I do something a little similar. Since I carry around a glasses case, I have a fortune cookie saying in it and I switch between a few.

 

The one I have in there right now says "An old wish will come true"

The last wish I made was for me and her to get back together...I guess the wish is still new...

 

Another one that I have says "Good things are being said about you"

 

And my last one says "Mend the first break, kill the first snake, and conquer everything you undertake"

 

Its hard to come across good foturne cookie sayings, I guess thats why I find them special.

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ZimboGon Established Member

ZimboGon

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I've done the card thing, but mostly i write stuff like, "You are better off without her after everything she has done to you. Remember, if she asks for you back do not EVER accept it. Remember how she smiled at you when you walked in on her and him that one day, don't ever forget that smile."

 

Buuut, every day at 11:11 i make a wish. For us to get a second chance soon, and for it to work out perfectly.

triplethreat New Member

triplethreat

Posted
Posted
I've done the card thing, but mostly i write stuff like, "You are better off without her after everything she has done to you. Remember, if she asks for you back do not EVER accept it. Remember how she smiled at you when you walked in on her and him that one day, don't ever forget that smile."

 

Buuut, every day at 11:11 i make a wish. For us to get a second chance soon, and for it to work out perfectly.

 

And we must all come to realize the only way we will get a second chance is if we improve ourselves. We cannot keep wishing for things that may not come true. Every day at 11:11 you must wish that you heal a bit each and every day. One of the outcomes of fixing yourself could be her, or it may just be a better you.

Sustugriel Member

Sustugriel

Posted
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I've done the card thing, but mostly i write stuff like, "You are better off without her after everything she has done to you. Remember, if she asks for you back do not EVER accept it. Remember how she smiled at you when you walked in on her and him that one day, don't ever forget that smile."

 

Buuut, every day at 11:11 i make a wish. For us to get a second chance soon, and for it to work out perfectly.

 

In all seriousness, dude, you do not want someone who will put you on the backburner. You do not want to be treated as second best. She only felt sorry for what she did because she was afraid of losing you as an option.

 

Don't let her use your emotions. She doesn't deserve you as an option. Everyone deserves someone who thinks their SO is #1.

 

If she could put you on the backburner once, she can and WILL do it again. You hadn't even gotten closure and she was in bed with someone else, she was checked out. Once trust is broken like this, reconciliation is damn near impossible, or it requires so much effort that the relationship will just be toxic for both persons.

 

I know it's hard to understand and I'm struggling with the same emotions after losing my fiancee, but you aren't the one with the problem, she is. She shouldn't have played the push-pull game, and she shouldn't have treated you that way. You have my sympathies brother, but try to keep your chin up. (This is the part im having the most trouble with).

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