Luna06 Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 I have a really great boyfriend. He is supportive, totally into me, very intelligent, comes from a great family, is loving, responsible, good looking, and the list goes on and on. When I have all of these qualities about him on my mind, I can’t help but think of what a great partner he is and I think I am really filled with love and admiration for him. Anyway, sometimes I get focused on what’s missing and I wonder if I am “settling.” Specifically, I have not felt the level of intense connection and physical chemistry with him that I have with some old flames of mine. I began dating him with the long term in mind and focused on his qualities as a partner more than on physical chemistry, but now I am starting to wonder if that was a bad decision. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being no physical/romantic chemistry and 10 being the greatest I have experienced, I would give us a 6.5 to a 7. Is that enough? When I start thinking about chemistry, it interferes with my positive feelings about our relationship and I get on this downward spiral where I wonder if I am committing myself to the wrong person (we have talked about our long term goals, etc, and are open to a future with one another so I am always evaluating the relationship to make sure it feels “right”). Little personality differences will annoy me, ways he is different from the guys I felt “passionate” towards will start to concern me, and I will feel like there is something missing and I get very worried and distressed because I take this as a sign that I should break up with him. I go back and forth between feeling incredibly lucky and wondering if I should hold out for someone who has all of what he has AND for whom I feel more passion and chemistry (if that exists). He is the kind of guy that I would hope to end up married to, and it makes me feel immature in a way to worry about the chemistry so much because I DO enjoy his company ... but the chemistry is more subtle and less intense than I’ve had in the past (but notably with those guys it didn't get to the relationship stage). Objectively, I feel like breaking up would be something I will regret- perhaps the grass is greener now, but time will reveal the ugly truth and 5 years down the road I will be single, in my 30's, and looking for a guy that has all his good qualities and I won’t be able to find it again. I feel so confused when I get into this state of mind.
The Tiger Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Are you saying that he is ugly? I wouldn't marry someone who I thought was too ugly for me unless I was getting old and my bio clock was ticking.
laotzu Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Don't be ridiculous - you gave yourself your own answer. Chemistry fades, character doesn't. He has good character; stop being immature.
ditzchic Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 How long have you been together? If it's only been a few months or so I would give it time. But if you have been together for awhile and you still aren't feeling it, I think it might be time to back out. If for no other reason than it really seems to be bothering you and once something starts bothering you it rarely gets better. It usually just festers and gets worse. I honestly can't tell you if I think the chemistry will come or not. I'm really big on the chemistry being there and if I don't feel it I'm usually out after a couple of dates. But I'm getting to the place where I'm looking for something more serious and I'm in the same boat as you. When we feel that spark is it always a good thing? At least for me, I usually get that spark when I meet an intense, strong personality type. These guys tend to be a bit reckless and definitely risk takers who usually keep me on the edge of my seat for a while but then turn out to not be relationship material for me. I'm holding out hope that I can find a guy that throws off the spark and isn't an irresponsible, reckless asshat. I'm not really sure if that exists though...
Wolf18 Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 People are probably going to tell you to leave the guy, but if you do just know what's out there... Life ain't a romantic comedy.
ScienceGal Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 (edited) Sounds like the guy I left in my early 20's. I am now 30 and have never found a man like him. I spend most nights crying because I have stumbled from one bad relationship to the next and now I am alone. I feel tired and depressed. I do not regret leaving him because I appreciate all of my life experiences, and to be honest, he deserved better than what I was offering at that time. Like everything, it's a risk. Back then, I immaturely chose chemistry over character. I would not be so foolish now. Given your fear of aging and not being able to replace him, Imagine yourself when you're 80. What is your husband like? Lastly, if there is anything that could spice up your romance/sex life, try it. Edited December 10, 2011 by ScienceGal
Author Luna06 Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 How long have you been together? If it's only been a few months or so I would give it time. But if you have been together for awhile and you still aren't feeling it, I think it might be time to back out. If for no other reason than it really seems to be bothering you and once something starts bothering you it rarely gets better. It usually just festers and gets worse. I honestly can't tell you if I think the chemistry will come or not. I'm really big on the chemistry being there and if I don't feel it I'm usually out after a couple of dates. But I'm getting to the place where I'm looking for something more serious and I'm in the same boat as you. When we feel that spark is it always a good thing? At least for me, I usually get that spark when I meet an intense, strong personality type. These guys tend to be a bit reckless and definitely risk takers who usually keep me on the edge of my seat for a while but then turn out to not be relationship material for me. I'm holding out hope that I can find a guy that throws off the spark and isn't an irresponsible, reckless asshat. I'm not really sure if that exists though... I am totally with you here. There has only been one guy who I felt a lot of chemistry with AND would have made a good partner, and he left for his ex and got married. I have been with the current guy for ~5 months. He's really great. Sometimes I just feel so amazed by him. But I have never been mind-blowingly attracted. Attracted, yes. I enjoy getting intimate with him. But I haven't felt that strong pull I have felt with the other guys. It's a new concept for me to pick someone based on character without there being a huge amount of chemistry, but I'm trying to improve my selection skills when it comes to men. It's new territory though, and not what I'm used to. So maybe that's why I get confused. =( honestly I would prefer to have a 10 on the chemistry scale rather than a 6, but I would rather have a 6-7 in chemistry and a loving, reliable, good listener than a conceited, arrogant guy who totally knocked my socks off chemistry-wise.
Author Luna06 Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 People are probably going to tell you to leave the guy, but if you do just know what's out there... Life ain't a romantic comedy. Yeah this is what is always going through my head. That is why I picture myself regretting it if I break up with him I guess.
thatone Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 How long have you been together? If it's only been a few months or so I would give it time. But if you have been together for awhile and you still aren't feeling it, I think it might be time to back out. If for no other reason than it really seems to be bothering you and once something starts bothering you it rarely gets better. It usually just festers and gets worse. I honestly can't tell you if I think the chemistry will come or not. I'm really big on the chemistry being there and if I don't feel it I'm usually out after a couple of dates. But I'm getting to the place where I'm looking for something more serious and I'm in the same boat as you. When we feel that spark is it always a good thing? At least for me, I usually get that spark when I meet an intense, strong personality type. These guys tend to be a bit reckless and definitely risk takers who usually keep me on the edge of my seat for a while but then turn out to not be relationship material for me. I'm holding out hope that I can find a guy that throws off the spark and isn't an irresponsible, reckless asshat. I'm not really sure if that exists though... it does not exist. the asshatery is what you are attracted to. it's not an unforeseen byproduct of something else. people are who they are. I am totally with you here. There has only been one guy who I felt a lot of chemistry with AND would have made a good partner, and he left for his ex and got married. I have been with the current guy for ~5 months. He's really great. Sometimes I just feel so amazed by him. But I have never been mind-blowingly attracted. Attracted, yes. I enjoy getting intimate with him. But I haven't felt that strong pull I have felt with the other guys. It's a new concept for me to pick someone based on character without there being a huge amount of chemistry, but I'm trying to improve my selection skills when it comes to men. It's new territory though, and not what I'm used to. So maybe that's why I get confused. =( it's called growing up. some people do it, some people never do.
eerie_reverie Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 How long have you been together? Sometimes it takes a while for it to develop. Are you in love with him?
westrock Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 honestly I would prefer to have a 10 on the chemistry scale rather than a 6, but I would rather have a 6-7 in chemistry and a loving, reliable, good listener than a conceited, arrogant guy who totally knocked my socks off chemistry-wise. The process of growing up involves figuring out what is truly important to you in the long run. I think you are answering your own question here.
CarrieT Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I am going through something very similar. My past relationships were based on chemistry and most ultimately imploded. Three months ago I met a man with whom I did not have that "chemistry" but he was everything else I wanted in a life partner; intelligence, kindness, almost every mutual interest imaginable (difficult, if you know anything about me), and very, very into me. I have been giving him -- and us -- time and am learning that the chemistry thing is not all it is cracked up to be. There have been men with whom I have had intense chemistry but nothing in common and I have tried to establish relationships with these men. For the first time, I feel I might have met the person with whom I am meant to be with BECAUSE I am letting the admiration and love grow slowly out of learning and not because of that silly chemistry thing; which I know never lasts...
eleanorhurting Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Hi guys. I have realized I have problems with being assertive and my therapist and I are working on it. I still find it hard to be assertive with men. I feel like there is a thin line between being assertive and being pushy/needy. For example: As I have mentioned before, I have gone out 3 times with this guy who seems great but I have noticed several red flags. It is obviously friendly/casual but he will text me these little messages telling me how beautiful I am and whenever we go out he will say a bunch of things that we are "going to do". LIke yeah lets watch this movie yeah lets go to the beach next week yeah lets go eat. And it never happens. He never follows through, sometimes he cancels. He usually makes last minute plans when they actually happen. He also says he will call and hardly ever does. And then he'll pop up like its nothing. I know it is casual and we are getting to know each other but i really, really don't appreciate flakiness. LIke its one of my huge pet peeves. And Its obvious hes not that into me so it bothers me that I feel like hes trying to string me along or keep me "warm" by sending me these little texts and making these plans that 75% of the time he does not follow through. How should I go about this? Should I flat out ignore him? Should I let him know I am no longer interested? Should I tell him his flakiness bothers me? Should I still give him a chance because we only went on 3 dates and it was not serious at all? We never even kissed. We held hands once. He sort of initiated somthing that seemed like it would be a kiss but I was not feeling it. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I save my kisses for people who take me on real dates and show solid interest not last minute lunches. When I first met him he seemed really great. We have alot in common and I thought we had good chemistry. We talked for like 4 hours and it was amazing! So this is a real letdown and I dont know if im "rushing" by already shutting him out because of his lack of interest. Some people tell me I expect too much too soon but at the same time by giving people "chances" I have been strung along for too long! I don't know what is the assertive way of going about this.
eleanorhurting Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 im sorry that was not meant to be postd there i dont know why i did that.
Andy_K Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Most guys thrive on positive feedback. The chemistry is as much your responsibility as it is as 'natural phenomenon'. This is something you can certainly improve on if you can figure out exactly what that 'chemistry' means to you. Don't hide behind the mystery of the word 'chemistry'. Take the time to figure out for yourself exactly what it is in a relationship, or in a guy, that makes you feel it (or not). Take responsibility for the success of your own relationships and you'll have much more success.
Eeyore79 Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I can think of two situations in which you might feel this way. Only you know which one applies. The first situation is where you just aren't attracted to this guy, and he's more like a friend. You feel turned off at the thought of having sex with him, and if you're honest you don't even want to kiss him. You have a relationship of convenience, and while he's a lovely person and a good friend, you really don't feel any romantic love or admiration for him. In this situation your best move is to end the relationship and look for someone else. The second situation is where you are attracted to him - he's good looking, you admire and respect him, and you enjoy having sex with him. The problem is, he just doesn't excite you. Ok, stop right there. Is it possible that what you think of as excitement is actually the insecurity, uncertainty and nervousness that you've previously felt when in a relationship with a total asshat? The guy is unreliable and you're constantly on edge wondering how he feels, your heart leaps when the phone rings, and when he expresses interest you get all excited and flushed. Then when he backs off you feel nervous and on edge again, and you end up riding this emotional rollercoaster between the highs and lows of excitement and stress. Sure, the emotional drama can be addictive and exciting, but it's ultimately tiring and lacking in stability. Your boyfriend is stable and reliable, and is always there for you when you need him. You don't feel nervous and stressed, you don't wonder if he's going to call and get all excited when the phone rings. Your relationship doesn't have those addictive highs and lows, and you don't have that longing ache in your tummy. But you have something else - a calm, quiet trust in this man, a feeling of deep love and a sense that you can rely on him. Yeah, it's different from the emotional rollercoaster of previous relationships, and it's easy to mistake that calm happy feeling for a lack of chemistry. Learning to distinguish between excitement and chemistry, between emotional drama and genuine love is a key part of maturing. Have a think about it, and consider whether you're perhaps confusing chemistry and passion with excitement and insecurity. If you genuinely love him, it would be a shame to let him go in order to pursue the drama of a relationship with an asshat. 1
somedude81 Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Very enlightening post Eeyore79. It makes me wonder how many other women think excitement is an emotional roller-coaster. Sure roller-coasters are fun, but would you want to stay on one non-stop for an hour?
Arabella Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I've actually felt like this before. I walked out of a relationship with a total asshat and decided I'd never be with someone like that again. So, one day I met a guy, and I scrutinized every little thing about him and decided he was "future husband material" so I pursued a relationship with him despite the fact that he was younger than me. I even posted about it here on this forum and was encouraged to go ahead with it. So I did, and a little over a year after that, he proposed and I accepted. The relationship has had its ups and downs but he is a good person and will make a great husband and father for my children. I feel attracted to him, and sex is good (and constantly improving), but it's not that overwhelming physical attraction and chemistry that I felt for the asshat I was with before him. And you know what I realized? Eeyore has it absolutely correct. Ok, stop right there. Is it possible that what you think of as excitement is actually the insecurity, uncertainty and nervousness that you've previously felt when in a relationship with a total asshat? The guy is unreliable and you're constantly on edge wondering how he feels, your heart leaps when the phone rings, and when he expresses interest you get all excited and flushed. Then when he backs off you feel nervous and on edge again, and you end up riding this emotional rollercoaster between the highs and lows of excitement and stress. Sure, the emotional drama can be addictive and exciting, but it's ultimately tiring and lacking in stability. In retrospect, I see clearly that when we are with a man like that, who treats us like dirt and we know will never fully commit to us... it's not him we want, it's what we can't have. It's the rush and the validation when he does finally reciprocate (even though it's only for a short period of time) and we become addicted to the emotional rush. But this dynamic doesn't lead to a stable relationship and a happy life together. It leads to misery and finding yourself over 30, single, and wondering why all good men are taken and you can only find jerks. If he is a man you can see yourself with the rest of your life, stick with him. They are far and few between, and they only become more and more rare as you get older and the good ones get married and form families of their own. Attractiveness and chemistry are not going to be there forever, regardless of who you end up with. And this works both ways. It may be great in the beginning but if you place a heavy weight on chemistry in your relationship, who's to say he won't leave YOU when he finds someone he feels better chemistry with? Think about it. Best of luck, -A
Feelsgoodman Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Physical attraction is very importnat in a relationship. At the same time, your standards have to realistic and aligned with your own level of attractiveness. You know you are too picky if none of the guys you find attractive are interested in you.
Eeyore79 Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 It makes me wonder how many other women think excitement is an emotional roller-coaster. Quite a lot, in my opinion - especially younger women who haven't yet matured enough to appreciate the difference between adrenaline fuelled insecurity and genuine attraction. Asshats have a way of making women feel nervous, anxious, and slightly nauseated in an excited kind of way, then subsequently validated when the asshat shows interest, and anxious and craving more validation when the asshat backs off again. Women often confuse these feelings of craving and nervousness with romantic love and desire. Then when they meet a decent reliable man who treats them with respect, they find him boring because he doesn't stimulate these nervous craving feelings. Luckily most women eventually mature enough to realize the difference between love and nauseated infatuation. An unlucky few never do, and lurch from one bad relationship to the next, only coming to their senses way too late after the other women have wised up and snapped up all the best guys. I always think that decent men are most popular among women from their late twenties to early thirties onwards, i.e. the women who have started to wise up to the tricks of the asshats and appreciate the value of a good man.
thatone Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 (edited) Most guys thrive on positive feedback. The chemistry is as much your responsibility as it is as 'natural phenomenon'. This is something you can certainly improve on if you can figure out exactly what that 'chemistry' means to you. it's beyond thriving on it. i will take the attention away if i do not get positive feedback. and yes it is absolutely the responsibility of both people, which is why you see a lot of these persistently single older women who not by some sort of tragedy or divorce or other such reason are just single because they haven't found their "chemistry" guy yet, but if you ask them what they did for the men they've dated, they draw a blank. they can tell you a laundry list of things they didn't do that they see as positive for themselves, but not a whole lot that they did do. and they wonder why those guys disappeared on them... Edited December 11, 2011 by thatone
xxoo Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Chemistry is pass/fail. Either you have it (or enough of it), or you don't. If you want to snuggle in and smell him, kiss him, and have sex with him, you have enough. Since he is also a good partner, the feelings between you will likely build over the years. Excitement is one thing, but that does wane. What does NOT go away in a good relationship, ime, is the feeling of being safe, warm, and "home" in his arms. Nothing better in the world
OliveOyl Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Eeyore and xxoo express thoughts similar to my own. I don't think you should completely ignore chemistry. The big question is, is the list of admirable qualities in your BF/partner something you truly admire and love, or more a list of qualities you think you should admire and love (and/or would impress others)? If it's more like "wow I landed this guy that seems great in so many ways, he's kind, thoughtful, intelligent but I have no real desire to touch him, hug him, he actually kinda feels like my brother" then I would move on. If however you do feel warm and loved and desire to hold/cuddle/talk/simply "be with" him then I think that's good chemistry, even if it's not "fireworks." I have chemistry with my BF but there are times when it's just at a low simmer, not a boil. If there's never been anything beyond a low simmer but "this is a good guy I'm not getting younger I should just accept what I can get" then I'd think more seriously about that.
kaylan Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 it does not exist. the asshatery is what you are attracted to. it's not an unforeseen byproduct of something else. people are who they are. it's called growing up. some people do it, some people never do. Untrue. Intense chemistry and good character relationships exist out there. Theres people who will tick both boxes for you. Never settle OP. I dont plan to. When you settle, you end up divorced and wondering why you arent attracted to your spouse.
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