am I shallow?

[eleanorhurting]

Hi. I know this is a stupid question and I might get insulted but I really want to know what other people outside of my usual circle think.

 

I am a medical student. The past my last 2 boyfriends have been medical stuents. The person I "dated" casually last summer for a few months was a medical student.

 

Yes, I should move away from the medical students I know.

 

I met this guy in my ballet class who seems really interested in talking to me. He seems nice.

 

problem: he is 29 and he is an actor. Like that is what he does. He studied photography and had a studio but he quit that like a year ago to pursue acting. He lives at his parents house. He is in a lot of plays and i saw one and it was good but I'm not really sure if he even gets paid for it because he told me he was on "scholarship" at the school where we takes acting classes.

 

He is extremely attractive but the truth is I find the whole "actor" thing weird. It just makes me not see him "that way". I know my idea of what my life will be at 29 and the idea of the people I have dated in the past is different from this person's. And I am OK with different. But I find it weird that he is 29 and not really a student and also not working and he is really really convinced that acting is what he wants to do with his life. I asked him if he would consider teaching and he said he is not really interested. If acting falls through his backup plan is directing. He is also in a band...

 

Is this shallow? Should I think outiside the box? I admire him for following his dreams but are those dreams realistically going to pay the bills? Is it shallow to want someone who has a concrete plan of how they are going to make a living? Or is being an actor really considered a solid plan and I am just a shallow stupid person who has been closed off to people who follow traditional career routes like being a teacher, doctor, business, etc.

[ditzchic]

It isn't shallow. You are attracted to what you are attracted to. It's a biological thing. Don't feel bad about it.

[sleepykitten]

No, I dont think you are shallow, I think it is a valuble question. However, I think if you really liked this guy, and were attracted to him, his job/career choice wouldnt be such a major issue. Its good to consider the future but also important to be with someone who you admire, respect and like. I think if he was an "out of work actor" with no get up and go, and no ambition then thats a no go because that would say something about his general lifestyle/personality.

[jobaba]

Hi. I know this is a stupid question and I might get insulted but I really want to know what other people outside of my usual circle think.

 

I am a medical student. The past my last 2 boyfriends have been medical stuents. The person I "dated" casually last summer for a few months was a medical student.

 

Yes, I should move away from the medical students I know.

 

I met this guy in my ballet class who seems really interested in talking to me. He seems nice.

 

problem: he is 29 and he is an actor. Like that is what he does. He studied photography and had a studio but he quit that like a year ago to pursue acting. He lives at his parents house. He is in a lot of plays and i saw one and it was good but I'm not really sure if he even gets paid for it because he told me he was on "scholarship" at the school where we takes acting classes.

 

He is extremely attractive but the truth is I find the whole "actor" thing weird. It just makes me not see him "that way". I know my idea of what my life will be at 29 and the idea of the people I have dated in the past is different from this person's. And I am OK with different. But I find it weird that he is 29 and not really a student and also not working and he is really really convinced that acting is what he wants to do with his life. I asked him if he would consider teaching and he said he is not really interested. If acting falls through his backup plan is directing. He is also in a band...

 

Is this shallow? Should I think outiside the box? I admire him for following his dreams but are those dreams realistically going to pay the bills? Is it shallow to want someone who has a concrete plan of how they are going to make a living? Or is being an actor really considered a solid plan and I am just a shallow stupid person who has been closed off to people who follow traditional career routes like being a teacher, doctor, business, etc.

 

1) I'm an Asian American who grew up in a fairly highly educated community. I know more doctors than you can shake a stick at. If you're in medical school, you know what I mean...

 

2) You can play the hierarchy game forever in life. Once you earn your MD, somebody who is surgeon or anesthesiologist will thumb their nose at somebody who is a pediatrician or general physician. Yes, most of the doctors I know married other doctors. But you don't have to play the game the way everybody else does.

 

3) One of my sister's best friends got accepted to an accelerated MD program out of high school. One of the top programs. She had her MD I believe by the time she was 24 or 25. She is a radiologist (I believe) at one of the top hospitals and makes bank. She married a jazz musician who makes practically peanuts. Why? Because they like each other and he's motivated and doing something he loves. You are in the fortunate position that you don't have to worry about being provided for in the future, thus you can marry a person for love and compatibility instead of worrying about how much your combined income will be. That's my perspective...

 

[dasein]

"Shallow" is an overused subjective term. Denotatively it means water that is "not deep," so if someone can articulate an honest reason for having a preference based on reflection as opposed to rationalization, that could even be, "I just don't feel attracted," then those types of preferences are not shallow denotatively.

 

But connotatively, "shallow" seems to mean "not having substance." For example, if a man chooses a particular woman because "she will look good in my car," or a woman chooses a man because "he's taller than my rival GF's BF," most people would say those folks were shallow despite being able to meet the denotative definition.

 

Some might call you shallow because with a future MD salary, someone in the arts could offer balance and a certain aesthetic you won't get practicing medicine. Others would call you shallow if you dated him because it shows irresponsibility in a climate of high child-rearing costs to select someone with a low income to start a family with. So you are damned either way. Best to navigate with the same reflectiveness that got you into a medical career and you should be fine regardless what others think.

[eerie_reverie]

I don't think it's shallow. I think it's an important compatibility consideration. I would never date a 29 yo who did not have a good grasp on life financially.

[Sanman]

I don't think it's shallow. I think it's an important compatibility consideration. I would never date a 29 yo who did not have a good grasp on life financially.

 

 

Agreed. This is not shallowness. It is an important relationship consideration.

[mtber75]

1) I'm an Asian American who grew up in a fairly highly educated community. I know more doctors than you can shake a stick at. If you're in medical school, you know what I mean...

 

2) You can play the hierarchy game forever in life. Once you earn your MD, somebody who is surgeon or anesthesiologist will thumb their nose at somebody who is a pediatrician or general physician. Yes, most of the doctors I know married other doctors. But you don't have to play the game the way everybody else does.

 

3) One of my sister's best friends got accepted to an accelerated MD program out of high school. One of the top programs. She had her MD I believe by the time she was 24 or 25. She is a radiologist (I believe) at one of the top hospitals and makes bank. She married a jazz musician who makes practically peanuts. Why? Because they like each other and he's motivated and doing something he loves. You are in the fortunate position that you don't have to worry about being provided for in the future, thus you can marry a person for love and compatibility instead of worrying about how much your combined income will be. That's my perspective...

 

 

I agree here...I grew up into where you are expected to go to college, get into a professional career and meet a like minded person in the same traditional field like a doctor...That's soooo boring! I say go for it, your thinking out of the box and going for someone outside your mindset! Yes, financially acting is a up and down profession. But he's still pretty young and there is that possibility that he can make it big!

[grkBoy]

I don't see it as shallow.

 

If you being with someone who has a stable and good income is important to you, then don't waste your time with this guy. I only give women criticism when they're seeking above average males, but yet these very women never catch the attention of those men.

 

Like Jeffc80 said, the worst thing is to get with this guy, then try to manipulate him to give up acting and take on a "normal job". He's made his decision in life, and if he came on here complaining how the medical student he met won't date him because he's an actor...I'll simply tell him his career choice is going to limit him if the woman wants a stable income guy in her life.

 

"Shallow" in my book would be if you walk through life ONLY caring about how the guy looks and how much money he makes. Like you are solely wanting to be someone's trophy wife and would honestly think an ideal world would be where you marry the guy but never have to talk to him or sleep with him, but he gives you unlimited credit cards.

[FitChick]

You just have to figure out if this guy is an ego maniac who craves the spotlight or someone who will sacrifice for his "art." Meryl Streep's husband is a sculptor and you can bet she's been the main breadwinner throughout their 30+ year marriage. They seem happy. It depends on the person. However, in my experience, women who support their actor husbands have never been particularly happy about it and are sometimes resentful. I think it has more to do with a woman earning more than the man, than the profession. I know a very successful actress whose husband was essentially a house husband. It always bothered her so when the kids graduated from college, she divorced him and remarried another actor.

 

The "rule" is generally that actors should only marry actors because they understand each other. The biggest fights are generally over the mirror.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Some people have a passion in life that does not necessarily translate to a prosperous career in terms of money.

 

I have managed to make a pretty good living without higher education, but it doesn't mean I wish I hadn't gone to school. However I know for myself I could have never dedicated so much of my time and resources to a medical degree, law degree...or you name it, that's just not the kind of person I am.

 

If you're looking for the white-picket fence possible future, where it's about being a soccer mom and picking up the kids in your minivan the few hours you have in your life to do so...if you even have the time to...then that is your prerogative, and you may want to look for someone with similar interest.

 

However there are people who don't prioritize that lifestyle, might see life as an experience more than chasing a carrot on a stick and indulge in their passions...which may not translate as I said to that so called fairy tale ending. It just depends what you want out of life, I would always prioritize romance above financial security, but that's because I'm a romantic and believe there is more to finding someone than just searching out statistics.

 

Plus I've dated a few medical students myself, and the dynamic actually worked quite well because we had different things to talk about, and I was able to provide more support because of my more relaxed schedule at least compared to theirs. But they weren't interested in men in the medical field and found them to be quite typical or one-dimensional.

[eleanorhurting]

well, he calls. He makes plans. Like he picks up the phone and asks me to go places and actually tries to reschedule when I say no. no lame texty texts. He calls to see how my day has been and to tell me about his.

 

Maybe I will look past the whole struggling actor thing.

 

There is a resident (yes, another Dr) who I have been on 3 "dates" with (i say "dates" because they were more like friendly outings.. coffee, breakast, and lunch after i had a test) and he does NOT call, does NOT make concrete plans to do anything (he will say oh lets do this and that but never actual days) and he sends me these really sweet texts like 12 hours after i text him. Example: i asked him a question or told him something and he answers the next day with : Hey beautiful I hope you have a great day today. P.S. (and he'll answer the question). I'm starting to really get the hes not into me vibe. or the "im his second choice" vibe. OR my personal favorite the "this girl is way too pretty and funny to toss her out but i dont want to date her so let me see how I can keep her hooked enough so she wont leave because she clearly has low self esteem issues" vibe. Yup that last one hurt but I had to face it in order to make a change!

 

I think im finally understanding the whole guy thing and how to pick up cues.

 

Anyhow, I will keep talking with the actor and keep you updated but I doubt anything other than friendship will come from it. We are now 2 hours apart and I am switching to ballet on saturdays when I make the 2 hour drive back home so I wont see him there either (that is where we met )

[monkey00]

I don't think you're shallow or blame you for wanting to be with someone who has a proper career. Where I live there are a lot of struggling actors and artists, and the ones I do know - often have difficulty with paying bills/rent. The kind of girl I'd want to be with is one who has a career like me and has a real job, or at least studying to get to that point in her life.

 

It's up to you if you can look past it. Maybe you can in the short-term, but in the long-term your standards underneath might not last with this guy if he's going to continue his current path.