My unexpected break up story! What do you think?

[Anna_broken]

(I had posted my story before to another section, I guess this is the right one and I have added some details)

 

My ex bf dumped me a month ago after 4 years of relationship. (He is 31, I am 27)

We had a great relationship, never had a big fight, had fun together. He was always loving, caring, tender, everything I could I ask for.

One day, he comes out of the blue, at least for me, and announces that he doesn't want to be in a relationship any more.

We had spent the previous night together, we made our travel plans for Christmas holidays, asked me to have the day off at his birthday to spend all day together. He leaves the house to do some shopping before work, he calls me asking me if I want him to buy the same perfume or a different one. I had to choose it because I would be the one to smell it on him... I never did, he called two hours later to break up!

He never showed any sign, didn't become cold or distanced, ever. It was him that was contacting when we were not together to tell me even what he ate.

 

The BU reason was that he does not know where he stands in life and that he was in a relationship for the last 4 years, they were great but enough he wants to be alone now and do his stuff. He isn't satissfied with his job and career, need to focus on that, he doesn't like that he still lives with his parents and sister. Of course he could live alone if he wanted to, but I believe he was afraid of losing the comfort he was used to. He is not interested in women or going out with his friends, he wants no women for the next year. He also said that he is not the commitment guy, meaning he may never want to settle down and get married, so it would be better for me to find a guy that will want to get married (I didn't care about getting married, I never asked him anything like this).

He said he loves me, there is nothing I did wrong, he cares about me and want us to have some contact. If he wanted to spend his life with a woman, I would be the one, but he doesn't.

He also said he will probably regret it, but it is his decision and will have to deal with that.

Anyway, I didn't cry, beg etc, I accepted his decision.

 

There was no one else in the picture, I have found out that he rarely leaves his home, he only goes to work, he spends the nights at home where his family lives, too. I have reasons to believe that his family, especially his mother (that I never met) didn't want him to be in a serious relationship because she didn't want him to move out. It is possible he was affected and I am sure that now he is at home with them they keep telling him he did the right thing.

 

After the break up He called me the same night, telling me that I shouldn't be sad (really?). I called him a few days post BU to see if he changed his mind. We just had a short how you are doing talking, he said he wanted to contact,too, but it was too soon and difficult for him.

Two weeks post BU was his birthday. I didn't want to call him. I sent him a simple happy bday text. He called me the very next second, told me he was expecting a call and earlier (it was afternoon) he was very friendly, asking my news. I kept it short.

 

No contact since then, it's been a month after BU.

 

I didn't manage to understand him till now, how he changed in a few hours. Was he pretending and lying for some time before BU? Why he never said anything or show a sign that there was something wrong? I was in a complete shock!

 

And now the usual question... Of course I want him back... What can I do to have a chance? I dont want to put any pressure on him and ruin everything. Do you have any similar stories to share? How did they end?

I am preparing for the worst, of course. I try to move on, doing my stuff, too, but I want to do something, just once, I will not be able to completely move on knowing that I didn't fight for it. I have to bare in mind that he is stubborn and his pride would never let him admit he made a mistake.

 

Thank you for taking time to read it and reply

[mike588]

There is alot of, He says here. Are you sure there is no one else?

[twinkles]

This is shocking and I'm very sorry for you.

 

The thing that gets me the most is that in 4 years why did you not meet his mother?

 

Meeting the family is an indication that the man takes you seriously in his life.

[Sustugriel]

Are you sure there is no one else?

 

I am sorry to say that I agree with Mike here. He was probably covering up his guilt and the holiday planning made that spill over, he couldn't take it anymore.

 

Yours and my situation, had very similar events. My fiance just left me a note one day after an argument...I find out second-hand that she's been hanging around a friend of mine a LOT and it destroyed me all over again.

 

I have still not recovered, not even a bit. I know how you feel but I think you should prepare for the worst.

[bittersweet memories]

This is shocking and I'm very sorry for you.

 

The thing that gets me the most is that in 4 years why did you not meet his mother?

 

Meeting the family is an indication that the man takes you seriously in his life.

 

Good point twinkles.

 

Hmmm....4 years is a very long time without meeting his parents. That's a red flag.

Edited November 30, 2011 by bittersweet memories

[Anna84]

Although I agree with the rest that not having met the family in those four years is a red flag, I do notice some things that are similar to what I've experienced. My ex's mother is really quite dominant and he would do almost anything she would tell him. Although I'm not sure, I think she had a hand in him deciding things weren't going to work out between the 2 of us. Especially just after the split I had all sorts of wild theories mainly centering on him having an incestual (not physically but mentally) relationship with his mother, who always, always came first in whatever way, also concerning us. We split up sort of mutually, although he was the one who made the final decision. It was a big shock as we hadn't been arguing -that- much, and I thought our relationship was quite solid. I've also been wondering about how to get him back up untill recently (and even still in my moments of weakness). What I've been realising more and more is that in the long run it is impossible for me to have a relationship with someone so unpredictable, as also I could never be with him suspecting he has such a twisted relationship with his mother. Would you really want this if he values his mothers opinion that much, insofar he would stay and live with her at 31 and decide that its over between you? Furthermore, my overall conclusion of my own experience is simply that considering everything, I wasn't first priority and he simply didn't love me enough..

 

There, that was my input.

 

I wish you all the best, these splits can really be incomprehensible.

Edited November 30, 2011 by Anna84

[twinkles]

Wait a second here. Have you ever been in the house? Do you know for a fact that he lives with his mother and not a wife?

 

This story sounds too strange to me.

[Anna_broken]

I have never met any bf's family and they haven't met mine. My family knows about my relationships but I want them to meet only one guy, the one I'll get engaged to/married. I had only met his sister and once he introduced me to his father, we just saw him at street.

There are reasons that they needed him in the house. His sister has some disability (which sometimes she used just to cause some trouble in my relationship, but anyway). My ex had to drive her to college, to work... There is a father in the house, but my bf said it was his responsibility. Sometimes we were making our program according to hers. His mother I can tell is a little dominant, but that's no excuse for him.

 

About the house, yes I have been there a lot of times, he lives with his parents and his sister. He was spending most of the nights at my place where I live alone, but never suggested to completely move in.

 

I am sure there is no one else. I couldn't believe it in the first place so (embarassed to admit) I did some stalking the first weeks. And I have a friend who lives almost next to his house, so she did, too. At weekdays, he returns from work, doen't get out till the next morning that he goes back to work. A couple of times he went jogging at a park near his house. He always wanted to go out at Friday and Saturday nights, now he spends them at home, his family is there too, so there are no "visitors".

Specific nights when his teams has a game, he goes to the bar next to his house to watch it with friends like he always did. I did the stalking thing for the first weeks just to see if I was dumped for someone else. I wasn't. I have stopped it, I got my answers.

 

No other woman, no partying with his friends (they are all engaged and married). He prefers doing nothing than being with me. Should I feel better?

Edited November 30, 2011 by Anna_broken

[twinkles]

Is this guy an Italian or European?

 

Anna, you have to never mind what he wants and ask yourself what do you want.

 

Do you want to get married?

[Anna_broken]

Is this guy an Italian or European?

 

Anna, you have to never mind what he wants and ask yourself what do you want.

 

Do you want to get married?

 

 

He is European, like I am, from Greece. What made you ask this?

I want to get married and have family, but I am not obsessed with that, I just want to have a partner in my life, for my whole life that we can communicate, have fun, support and love each other. I thought I had found it.

When we begun our relationship, 4 years ago, he said he wants to be married in 5 years from then. And the years became 4, 3,2... When he reached 2, he said that they are 5 again, because he didn't do in his life what he had been planning to do till then. And then he said he is not that kind of guy and may never get married, so he'd better set me free to find someone else.

[bittersweet memories]

Sounds like he wasn't feeling or into the relationship any more. I doubt his mom had anything to do it with it, you guys lasted four years. He's a big boy, plus 4 years is a long time, people get bored and fall out of love. He seems to prefer just to be alone, for now.

 

Who knows maybe he'll come around. For now, you should focus on yourself. Get out and have fun with your girlfriends. Keep you mind busy. It helps.

[Anna_broken]

It's been 5 weeks, it's too hard, I am really not doing well.

I may have some moments that are better, but they are only moments.

I can't sleep at nights, I wake up a mess in the morning, I almost cannot breath, I have all the anxiety and a few times panic attack symptoms...

It's not my first BU, but it's the first one I can't handle. And I think that the reason is the reason he gave me and that he did everything out of the blue. He didn't go distant or cold, he never avoided me, he wanted to be with me till the last minute, he was making plans... I had no time to be prepared, to understant that this relationship has problems, it's going to end soon.

Unfortunately he only cared for himself, I just can't believe that it was so during our relationship, he was actually almost perfect!

 

I never needed to be in a relationship in order to be happy. I remember myself happy as a single, I actually prefered being a single and didn't get into a relationship easily.

But now I don't have much support, the timing was hard,too, like he did it on purpose! My girl friends, have moved away for this year, one abroad for studies and the other, a couple of days after my bu, in the same country but far away because of her job.

I have a job and I study, but I rarely get out of the house. I have nowhere to go. No, I have no one to go out with, no one to talk.

I'd like to go out with my friends, or meet new people but there is no way, I am totally alone... And I feel old... I am 27, I know I am not THAT old, but I have no energy, I was never particularly interested in getting married, but I always wanted to find someone to spend my life with.

I see this dream moving away now...I am so disappointed...

[Anna84]

I've been there, 1 month ago (and still struggling a bit), but..here goes the cliche... it does get better, whatever happens. You never know where you are 6 months from now. Wishing you all the best, hold on, and know that you're not alone in feeling the way you do. *sends a big hug*

 

 

 

 

 

PS: I'm exactly the same; 27, caught up in studies and don't get out of the house a lot. Now I''m sort of grateful though that I've got something so intensive to focus on.. I go running now and again and if all my friends are busy or not there I've started enjoying time on my own watching movies, shooting pics, reading books... We're still young, we have plenty of time!!

[Lonely-lulu]

I feel for you so much, I wish I could give you a big hug. I just turned 28 last week. My boyfriend of 5 1/2 years broke up with me a week before my birthday. I completely understand the pain you are feeling. I know how hard it is to get up every day and carry on with life but you just have to. It's only been a few weeks for me but I have immersed myself in self help books, self hypnosis and joined his forum. I had split up with my boyfriend a year ago and we got back together but if you aren't his top priority now I think you'll find if you did get back together it would start well and then just end again and trust me it doesn't get easier second time around! I feel awful at the moment but I am trying to put all of my energy in to planning my own future, it's horrible and I don't want to be alone but I am and so are you and we just have to try to be tough even if were dying inside. Hopefully what everyone says is true and time will heal us. Please don't think that you're giving up if you don't fight for your relationship, you're giving up if you don't fight for you x

[Anna_broken]

Thank you Anna and Lulu, I am sending you a hug, too!

I hope it's true and it will get better, some time... I really can't live like that and I don't see a light right now. It's been 5 weeks, it feels like no progress was made although I tried.

[annnie]

I'm in a similar situation. It felt so unexpected. We were happy and a few months later, he is telling me he needs to space to pursue his goals/career...and being emotionally attached to me is clouding his judgment. I don't know. I've cried. I've tried to keep myself busy but some days I can't concentrate and honestly feels like not doing anything. Sometimes I just do the bare minimum to get through my day at school or at work. I feel hopeless because I've invested so much into this relationship and even though I'm in my mid-twenties, I just don't have the energy to get myself out there again.

 

I guess I need to take this time for myself too. Everyone says time heals all...and I pray that it's true but I don't know how long it will be until I can feel like I am okay again.

 

Well, I hope you're hanging in there as well. Take comfort in knowing you're not alone. =(

[twinkles]

Hi Anna,

 

I had asked if he was European because his attitude came across as one. His mother probably pampers and coddles him to the point that he gets all he needs from her...except for the sex. European moms also instill in their sons minds what kind of woman he should marry. They have alot of influence.

 

I'm not saying that this is the case but you never know.

 

Has he tried to make contact with you at all in these five weeks?

 

I'm just finding this situation very odd as I'm sure you are. It's hard to get over someone with out knowing the why. Maybe this is one of those situations where you will just never know.

 

I'm sorry that you are still not feeling any better. Try to focus on the things you enjoyed doing when you were single. Try to meet new people and get out more.

You will start feeling better eventually. You have to believe that you will.

[Anna_broken]

No, he did nothing to contact me. The last contact was 3 weeks ago, he called me to thank me for the happy birthday text.

I know it is odd, everyone finds it odd, I guess I will never know but I'd like to get some answers at some point.

He is just gone in a moment, like he never existed.

I wish I could be like him, I guess he never thinks of me, like I never existed in his life. He switched everything off in one minute.

I can't focus on and do the things I did as a single before my relationship. It doesn't help. I was a different person back then, with different interests. I don't want to have the same life that I had at my 22 years. I am 27, I expected my life to be different by now, I can't start all over again...

I don't have many options to get out more. New people? where? how?

Edited December 5, 2011 by Anna_broken

[twinkles]

Anna, you are only 27 years old and it was only 5 years ago that you were 22. That's not a whole lot of time.

 

I know you didn't expect to be where you are now.. but you are.

 

I always thought I would be married and have 10 children but it didn't happen for me. Do I give up? No, life goes on. My life goes on. I remain optimistic that there is someone out there for me I just haven't found him yet and he hasn't found me. I've know people who had their first marriage in their 80's so it's never too late.

 

Some people blossom early some later. Who's to say that the next man you meet won't be the one? Don't put all your faith and future in your ex. Don't put all your happiness in your ex's hands. These things are up to you.

 

What do you mean you can't start all over again? Yes you can. It's just that now you are in pain and a state of confusion. This will pass. Believe me. I've been where you are many times in my life but I never give up on me.

 

You have got to concentrate more on yourself right now. Do things to make yourself feel better. Call friends and go out with them. Go somewhere alone.

 

You said in a previous post that you didn't need a relationship to make yourself happy...so prove it.

[lolita jade]

Is it greek tradition to only introduce 'the one' to your family?

 

Is your ex promised to someone else maybe?

 

Have you seen anyone entering/ exiting the house, except for him. Maybe he lives alone and is planning to return to Greece soon or has a wife over there.

 

One of my friends daughter's ws dating a Turkish man about 10 years older than her. She was dating him for about 4 years or so and evryone thought he had a wife in Turkey (except her) Sure enough, he announced he was returning to Turkey. To a wife? or to a wedding?

 

Or it maybe something less sinister, like he is fed up of caring for his sister, living in a dominant household, reaching 30 and wanting to do something with his life outside the box. I dont think so due to the timing.

 

Were you becoming heavy as in mentioning marriage and children maybe?

 

Relationships are odd. We all harbour emotions and feelings and thoughts we do not tell our partners.

 

I expect he told you as he did due to the guilt of all the organising you were doing. He didnt want any confrontation.

 

Stay strong Anna. You can do this.

[Anna_broken]

Maybe I wasn't clear, we are both Greek, living in Greece.

It's not a traditional thing, we were both not traditional, it just didn't happen to meet the parents.

I wasn't pushing on marriage or anything. We were fine as we were up to that moment.

"Promised" to someone else, it doesn't exist here.

I know he lives with his family, I've been to his place many times, he spent most of the time in my place where I live alone. I know about his family because there are some mutual friends of friends etc... After starting the relationship we found out that we had some mutual friends, so I learnt his "past".

All the facts about his life were true, that's for sure. I have met all his friends, collegues from work etc.

 

I can't explain this behaviour. He disappeared, the one moment he is with me, loving, tender as usual, he calls, organizes trips and the other he realizes he doesn't want a relationship any more. And that was it? Did I ever exist?

I can only think that he acted as a selfish and coward man. He couldn't make decisions about his life, he realized that we are 4 years together, something should be done, either decide to move it on or, the easiest, to break up. But again, he never talked to me about all these and what he was thinking. He never asked my opinion, he never showed an indication that something is not going well.

And we were a couple that communicated well, we were always discussing and talking about things and problems that came up.

[lolita jade]

I understand now I know you are both in Greece.

 

He has reached some kind of crisis point I think. I think he has led a sheltered life in a domineering household and sister to care for.

 

I think it is something to do with him being thirty and wanting to explore what life has on offer. Not with a woman but for himself.

 

Leave him be. You have spent 4 years together. Better yourself. He will always love you and may come back once he has found what he thinks he is looking for. Or maybe he will realise he wont find it.