Appleanche Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I doubt there are many men left out there that don't watch and masturbate to porn on a regular basis. Maybe some of the older generation, less knowledgeable about computers and more appreciative of life outside of technology. I understand what men value about porn. I get it, I really do. BUT: I don't like what porn is doing to perfectly good men and I don't like how women basically have no say or control in their SO's usage. If a man wants to watch it, he's going to, simple as that, and I am speaking from personal experience. I am a logical person, and I am realistic... men will only get sneakier. Those avid porn-defenders out there will just hide it better if she expresses an issue with his usage. And what is she to do about it? Nothing she can do really, except leave him. That's where our choice is, we can deal with it or we can leave. So if I choose to deal with it (and I suspect there are a good many of us women in exactly this position)... please tell me how exactly to swallow my concerns about porn and choose to not be bothered by it, or at least minimize the amount of time I spend living every day with this occupying my thoughts. Do any men out there have something to offer that can help me be less concerned about my bf's masturbating to porn? Can I fool my brain into categorizing his porn use as a simple annoyance instead, much like him leaving his shoes in the middle of the floor for me to trip over or his tendency to be late to everything? You don't even have to try to diagnose whether he has an addiction or not - I suspect he does on some level. I don't want to talk to him about this (any more than I already have).... I can state with certainty that he won't give it up and I don't want to deal with him trying to fool me that he would give it up just to pacify me while knowing full-well he's still going to watch it. I just want to learn ways to cope...
OnyxSnowfall Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 (edited) Let me know when you learn them ........ As of now, it's not something I'm willing to tolerate. I'd rather be alone Edited November 23, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
chelle21689 Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Is there a way he can do it when you're not around? How about making some schedule? Also he still has to have sex with you, not because he's dedicated his sexual desire to porn. lol I bf rarely ever watches porn which I find weird. I watch it almost once a night.
Author Appleanche Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 Is there a way he can do it when you're not around? How about making some schedule? Also he still has to have sex with you, not because he's dedicated his sexual desire to porn. lol I bf rarely ever watches porn which I find weird. I watch it almost once a night. He uses it when I'm not around. The most immediate problem is that his usage sometimes affects his ability to cum when we have sex. It's frustrating and it pisses me off. He won't keep to a schedule either... in general he's about as non-scheduled as they come. There have been times where he said he wouldn't jack-off just so when I got there the next night our experience would be that much better, but he couldn't resist. The porn right at his fingertips just draws him in and it's not going anywhere.
brokendreamz Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Hey. Sorry to hear you are going through this, I expect my ex felt exactly the same, but I was addicted. In the end, I couldn't even get it up for her let alone finish and I even convinced myself that I could do without sex as Porn was better and more available. I've given my life a massive overhaul this year and I'm relieved to say that I am no longer a porn addict. In fact I do all I can not to look at it! The problem you face, as I'm sure you are aware, is that HE needs to understand what it'd doing to your relationship and give it up for himself. Take a look at this site...http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change. My only suggestion is to get a few more posts here and them who him this thread. Maybe he'll then have a more serious word with himself - in his defence, I honestly doubt he sees his porn usage as that much of a big deal... Everyone does it right?! Well probably a lot of people do, but I bet that a significant amount of their other halves are pissed off that they can't perform in the bedroom, yet choose not to say anything about it. Good luck - I hope he get's it.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I live with my boyfriend and he is only allowed to do it when I am not around. Like right now because I am working late and he is home. I don't even want to check up on how/what he watched anymore. I know he is doing it and I save myself stress from checking up. I kind of keep hoping that he won't do it every single time he is home alone but nope, he does it every single time. He is pretty rational and he read articles on harmful effects of porn. I also watch porn occassionaly so I don't mind it THAT much.
A O Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I just want to learn ways to cope... You don't need to learn to cope! This is an all too familiar situation with an all too familiar solution. There are many people who allow their interest(s) to get in the way of, or adversely affect, their relationship(s). It can be any field of interest, but in this case we're talking about porn. But most importantly, especially for folk in your situation, there are many more people out there who do not allow their interest(s) to get in the way of, or to adversely affect their relationships(s). So, this is not a coping situation. This is a case of understanding that there's an even bigger group of people out there who can partake in their interest(s) in a responsible, respectful manner. Don't cope, don't settle - search for this type of person. If, on the other hand, you simply have a problem with porn. Well, there are still many men out there who have little need for the stuff. Not as many as the aforementioned group, but still enough people out there for you to not have to settle for an irresponsible porn user. .
RiverRunning Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Maybe I'm strange. I've always found a boyfriend watching porn non-threatening to me. I've even watched it WITH my partner and it was a mutually arousing thing. But then again, neither of us have ever been addicted. Some men may look at porn every few months, some once a week, some a few times a week, some multiple times a day. There's a wide range. You probably will only meet men who view it to SOME extent, but, knowing that it bothers you, hopefully are respectful enough to do it when you aren't around. His interest in porn is interfering with your sex life. I don't think that's something that you should HAVE to cope with. I don't think you're wrong to be upset or to wonder how long you'll have to put up with this. The fact that he can't even hold off a night or two (to ensure sex is better) screams 'addiction' to me. He can't resist watching porn for one day - and this happens multiple times? I'd be lying if I told you this were going to get better. I'd definitely be lying if I were to tell you that you'll just be able to cope with him. The onus is on him to solve this issue.
counterman Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 He can't hold off from watching porn to make sex better? C'mon. He is addicted to it and, like any addiction, it's going to be really difficult to break it. If he's as far in as I think, it's gonna affect your sex life more than it has already. There are other guys out there who do not want or need porn. I don't know what advice to offer regarding coping with it.
phobos Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Man watches porn, woman tried to make a man not a man. Woman is an insecure little cold sore covered slut, who feels threatened by moving pictures. If I was the guy, I would kick you out of my house and change lock.
brokendreamz Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Phobos.... How old are you? I'm guessing 13? Not able to grow propper facial hair yet?? Have you ever been intimate with a woman? Other than in your feeble imagination?? Why don't you pop back to the store and bury your head in a crap comic.
phobos Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 nice try....ahem....I am 31, Russian, tall, cute AND handsome, player type, b*tch scoring and using, blue eyed, dirty blond with long hair. No comics. But plenty of used condoms in my trash from scoring with hot yet shallow b*tches.
aj22one Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 He uses it when I'm not around. The most immediate problem is that his usage sometimes affects his ability to cum when we have sex. It's frustrating and it pisses me off. He won't keep to a schedule either... in general he's about as non-scheduled as they come. There have been times where he said he wouldn't jack-off just so when I got there the next night our experience would be that much better, but he couldn't resist. The porn right at his fingertips just draws him in and it's not going anywhere. Masturbation in general does that, whether or not you masturbate to porn. Some guys actually think it's best to masturbate once before having sex (like a few hours) so you can last long, but not too long. I don't know it's a weird theory. If you're not comfortable with porn use then I think you need to have a frank discussion with him and tell him your concerns. I cannot fathom substituting porn for regular sex, it's just bizarre to me. If my girlfriend didn't make me watch porn with her, I wouldn't watch it since we're having sex regularly. You can't make yourself be ok with porn, you're either ok with it, or not.
phobos Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 "I cannot fathom substituting porn for regular sex" - when you are single again, you will "fathom" it very well....you hypocrite and a peace of sh*T mother F*ucker!
Soxfaninfl Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I would only watched porn if I got turned down for sex when I was married. This would happen around bed time. I would simply go in the spare bedroom. I prefer the real thing and still do. I don't need porn to get in the mood cause I'm always horney. It doesn't take much to get me in the mood. I would also masterbate if my wife wasn't home and I was horney. I would never turn down my wife for sex. I could still have a another orgasim even if I had masturbated 30 minutes prior. Would you still have a problem with that Appleanche?
Quiet Storm Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I have been married for many years and my husband does watch porn (and so do I). I do not feel threatened by porn or jealous that my husband watches it. I look at it as a tool to masturbate, like my little bullet vibe. However, in over 20 years (from VHS to DVD to Web) the use has not escalated and he still loves sex with me. He doesn't have issues keeping it up for me or pleasing me in the bedroom. So I probably would feel differently about porn if it began to affect our sex life or if he was sneaky about it. How did I get to where it doesn't bother me? It's hard to answer that because I have never viewed it as a threat, or as something that I would have to tolerate. I think men like variety and orgasm and porn fulfills their desire for both. I think men can still love and respect their girlfriends and wives and still enjoy porn. So I have never taken porn personally. I do think that certain people have addictive personalities, which means it is easier for them to become addicted to all sorts of things. It could be alcohol, food, gambling, drugs, video games...or porn. With porn being so easily available, I can see how a person with an addictive personality will get carried away. I do agree that setting limits on the porn or forbidding it will only cause him to be dishonest. He will likely think you are overreacting and conclude that hiding it will keep the peace. I would talk to him and tell him that your needs aren't being met. Don't blame it on the porn, but say something like "I love having sex with you and it's really bothering me that our sex life has taken a nose dive. I want to please you and when you don't come it makes me frustrated. I loved sex with you and pleasing you and I miss that." I think men like this are in denial about how much it affects their woman (when he can't perform or cum). Some men feel that women aren't very sexual anyway and assume that they won't be bothered by this. It is your job to tell him that you aren't happy with your sex life. DON'T BLAME IT ON THE PORN. ALLOW HIM TO COME TO THAT CONCLUSION FOR HIMSELF. Men usually take pride in being able to please their woman sexually. If he knows he's not getting the job done, he may be motivated to find out why. Don't stuff your feelings on this. If he doesn't take steps to make this better, consider moving on. Most men do watch porn, IMO, so it may be hard to find a porn free man (they are out there). However, you can find a man that doesn't go overboard with it. You can find a man that puts your relationship first.
Chubbi Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 Another thing to do OP is take one of his favorite porn stars and try to find a video of her being interviewed and let him watch it. Men hate watching their porn stars actually trying to have a conversation; usually the women aren't as beautiful when they're not on set and having sex. And even more so when they are actually trying to talk.
Author Appleanche Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 Masturbation in general does that, whether or not you masturbate to porn. Some guys actually think it's best to masturbate once before having sex (like a few hours) so you can last long, but not too long. I don't know it's a weird theory. If you're not comfortable with porn use then I think you need to have a frank discussion with him and tell him your concerns. I cannot fathom substituting porn for regular sex, it's just bizarre to me. If my girlfriend didn't make me watch porn with her, I wouldn't watch it since we're having sex regularly. You can't make yourself be ok with porn, you're either ok with it, or not. Yes, that is true. It's more of the masturbation that's the issue I suppose, but that stems from the porn. He doesn't masturbate without it, in fact he's admitted that sometimes he only turns it on because he was bored... I don't think he'd masturbate all that often if it not for the porn right at his fingertips. He doesn't seem to feel the need to maintain some self control in order to preserve our sexual experience and he seems to minimize having masturbated as being a problem... he will blame it on other know factors (heat etc), and this frustrates me. It's not always an issue... just sometimes, but the fact that we have discussed it and he knows that it bothers me when he can't cum yet we still are dealing with this. It's not that I think he is choosing masturbation over the real thing, because at the time he engages himself I'm not there, but it sure ends up feeling like he chose it over me. The thing is, it's not like he's sex-starved. I love sex with him and we are plenty kinky, and he loves my body... so the common complaints are just not there. Why the masturbating to porn has such a grip on him is hard for me to deal with.
Author Appleanche Posted November 23, 2011 Author Posted November 23, 2011 I doubt if porn interferes with a regular sex life. Take away the porn and the sex life wouldn't improve. What 'some' women really have anxiety over is their guy lusting after another woman. They couch this in other terms as to not confront their insecurity. The reality is there is no reason to feel insecure. A man's use of porn indicates nothing about his feelings or desire for you. someone made a good analogy in another thread: Guys use porn the same way that a dog humps your leg....there is no emotional asttachment to your leg . It means nothing. Hormones create a build up of tension that needs to be release. Once a guy gets the release, the switch turns off...the gal in the photo might as well be a tree or a rock. As for telling you mate not to masturbate the day you have sex. forget it. Just using the word 'sex' will get his brain wanting to do it. He's more likely to slink off and do it than if you said nothing. Well that's an interesting way of looking at it. I suppose that's mostly true but that doesn't take into consideration the actual negative physical impact of porn use, such as what I am periodically experiencing. It's nice that men have no emotional attachment to their videos but it seems their partner are still potentially robbed of intimacy and connection.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 The best I've been able to do is ask that it be kept out of sight, in hopes it will stay out of my mind. But I was heartened by my recent FWB's stance on porn. Completely unprompted, he told me he wasn't that interested in it because it was too robotic and empty. This is a masculine, passionate 26-year-old guy with a raging sex drive. He also told me he didn't usually masturbate between our visits because he preferred to save up the intensity for us. And it showed, every single time. We were very much on the same page on our views about sex and passion. And he definitely restored some of my faith in men.
somedude81 Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 OK, so your issue is not with porn, but that if he masturbates within X amount of time prior to having sex he can't orgasm. That's what you guys need to talk about. I'm sure that if he never looked at porn, you guys would still be having this problem.
Woggle Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 I only watch it when I am single and there is no other alternative. Why would a man in a relationship need to watch it unless he is being completely cut off?
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 because the same routine putang gets effin boring? Sadly, lots of men feel like that
Ruby Slippers Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Why do humans try to disguise these natural acts? along with so many others? Science has shown there is quite a range of brain chemistry among people. Some men are programmed for monogamy, and some aren't. Some men have a stronger concentration of the empathy, fidelity, and commitment chemicals, and some don't. But I agree with you completely that men or women who are not naturally monogamous shouldn't lie to themselves or others about that.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 24, 2011 Posted November 24, 2011 Science has shown there is quite a range of brain chemistry among people. Some men are programmed for monogamy, and some aren't. Some men have a stronger concentration of the empathy, fidelity, and commitment chemicals, and some don't. But I agree with you completely that men or women who are not naturally monogamous shouldn't lie to themselves or others about that. Agreed. As long as you are upfront about your inability to be monogamous, it's all good
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