Marianis Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 After almost 6 months of NC I just broke it 2 times.. 1 like 2 months ago .. and now this time.. … .. .. I don’t know how I feel about it! And I don’t know if its good or bad… I was cheking fb AGAIN.. and I saw he and his gf blocked me from the other fb! .. :S who knows how he knew it was mine :S .. i closed them like 3 weeks ago... but tonight i got in again .... after that i closed them AGAIN to make sure i dont ever look!!!! ..... anyway.. I feel the need to ask him ... so i texted him this: “hey how are you? .. I need to ask you something.” ,.. he answered me and told me he was ok and that I could ask.. then I asked him if he thought I was an stalker! .. :s he said no and asked me why.. I told him that sometimes I wonder and want to know about him … he told me what he was doing and stuff and I told him to.. we sent a lot of messages until I asked him if he wanted to keep contact with me … .. he said that since the other time I called (like 2 months ago) he said yes .. but he never heard from me again……. I told him I didn’t want him to have problems with his gf.. and he said he could do what he wants without her permission… :s I told him it would suck not to see him in Christmas and that he could text me to then. He said that it would be good to know about me also... then good night and that was it… he also said that he was different with girls not like he was with me .. and stuff.. So what to do?! .. I do want to know about him! .. and I have no expectations I just want to know… I guess… it was good to hear from him and I think I feel better now.. I mean Im not looking to get him back…. Can I keep contact with him????? Or is it bad still?! .. I don’t know .. I mean I do feel things for him still…. WHAT DO I DO NOW?!????? How often can I sent him a txt?! .. ahhhh this is so difficult!!!! ... and i dont really expect him to sent me anything.. but it would be nice if he does... And is it bad if I want him back?! .. (which right now I don’t but i just want to know... ) --- crazy girl :S PLEASE ANSWER ANY ADVISE WOULD BE GOOD!!
Rorschach64 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Listen here Marianis, it will be OKAY! Easy breathing and lots of water...but not too much water Anyway, in all reality it will not benefit you if you stay in contact with him as you want him back. You know why? Because you NEED to break your dependency on him and god knows clinging on to him for dear life isn't that attractive, it is annoying. You NC his butt and if he contacts you then okay switch over to LC mode, only he initates contact. Honestly, he cannot miss you or think about the relationship he had with you if you are all up in his grill creating new memories that will only serve to create a non-positive image. That's my opinion.
Author Marianis Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 Listen here Marianis, it will be OKAY! Easy breathing and lots of water...but not too much water Anyway, in all reality it will not benefit you if you stay in contact with him as you want him back. You know why? Because you NEED to break your dependency on him and god knows clinging on to him for dear life isn't that attractive, it is annoying. You NC his butt and if he contacts you then okay switch over to LC mode, only he initates contact. Honestly, he cannot miss you or think about the relationship he had with you if you are all up in his grill creating new memories that will only serve to create a non-positive image. That's my opinion. OMG! .. Why does it have to be so difficult?! .. i mean ive been trying not to think.. wonder.. or expecting something from him! .. but i do!! ... ALL THE TIME! ...and its been so long!! . NC is super hard.. and i know it was bad to sent him something .. but! ..... i mean why can i just do what i want!! .. :S mmmm.. why should i wait!? .. what if i die tomorrow and i never did sent him something!! .. :S i think he doenst sent me anything because he has a gf! .. and i wanna think he does care about me.. . ahhhhh so you say not to sent him texts again?! .. ill try ... i guess.. AGAIN! .. by whe way i didndt undestand the water thing!! LOL
Rorschach64 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 It is okay you are only human and make mistakes. No one is perfect. Yes it is hard, very hard, and very confusing. It sucks that things have to be this way but we all play the game of life so...yeah What helped me move on was to realize that I don't amount to jack crap to my ex with the thinking of "Why doesn't she contact me?" and "How could she do this to me?" My simple answers were, she doesn't care about me and she doesn't love me because I wouldn't do that to someone I love. Black and white but the truth. If you drink too much water you make yourself sick, you end up peeing out all your electrolytes and causing water poisoning....I think that's the term for it.
Author Marianis Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 It is okay you are only human and make mistakes. No one is perfect. Yes it is hard, very hard, and very confusing. It sucks that things have to be this way but we all play the game of life so...yeah What helped me move on was to realize that I don't amount to jack crap to my ex with the thinking of "Why doesn't she contact me?" and "How could she do this to me?" My simple answers were, she doesn't care about me and she doesn't love me because I wouldn't do that to someone I love. Black and white but the truth. If you drink too much water you make yourself sick, you end up peeing out all your electrolytes and causing water poisoning....I think that's the term for it. i dont like this situation at all!! .. i wish i could go back in time :S but i cant .... i just feel that MAYBE .. if i keep contact with him it wouldnt be like he never existed and then with time it will help me keep moving on.. :S.... but i guess that is not true! ... :s so how have you been with that?? .. she hast contact you yet? .. do you think she will someday? .. and are you waiting for that? .. or you dont really care?!?!
Rorschach64 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I know you don't, none of us like having to walk away from a loved one, especially a loved one that you have a whole future that you look forward to being with them, it sucks. So you aren't alone, there is some comfort in that and that it WILL get better Heh, funny you mentioned the time travel thing, I thought to myself today that if I only could go back in time and done things differently I would still have my ex-fiancee but you know what....I am willing to bet no matter what I did the result would be the same. Well I've developed that mentality rather recently...a month ago? It has helped me feel sort of indifferent to the situation and I saw a counselor last week and he seems to think I have sound healthy logic on the situation with that. 5.5 months later she hasn't contacted me at all minus an email requesting an address to ship my stuff to about two months ago, even though I gave her one 5.5 months ago and still no stuff...but I don't care anymore about it. I still have that lingering feeling that she will but it isn't so strong anymore because I guess part of me doesn't know what I would even do or how I would approach that situation, which would make me insanely uncomfortable. I am not waiting for her to come back, I am trying to solidify that she isn't coming back even though some have suggested she might down the line in years but she has so many red flags it is bad, bad for me to take her back. Do I care about her? Very much. Do I care if she comes back? I do, very much still but I am rather unsettled by it as I said, it would be like taking back rapid dog even after it bit me the hell up
Author Marianis Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 I think the same as you.. if we could go back in time the result would have been the same I guess something else is out there for us.. but it was hard because I feel so much for my ex and we had lots of plans together… that’s why I can not understand how we came to be like this.. he with someone else and me just don’t want to open myself to anyone … now I think I won’t be able to feel that kind of love for someone else.. im scared to feel again because what if they break my heart again.. nothing will even be the same… We have been with NC kind of the same time!! .. wow!! .. its crazyyyyy… but im glad you have that mentality it helps .. sometimes I think that way and some other times I just go crazy thinking the worst :S … You haven’t date anyone? .. or you just don’t want to because you want to heal first? .. is it more difficult to guys to feel love again?!? … what are you doing to realize she is not coming back??
Author Marianis Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 sooo... the thing is to just dont sent him anything!??!?!?!? .. thats it?!?!? .. damm it!! .. now i feel ansious and wondering if he ever will sent me something!!!
Rorschach64 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Well it isn't about someone else being out there it is just how it happened because of her, me, and an outside influence. Honestly I think it was just her and her outside influence but relationships are 50-50 most of the time. I know how you feel, like I said my ex was my fiancee...marriage and family, hell we were even picking out kids names lol. I don't know how things got like this either since everything crashed and burned in 2 weeks. Well did he leave you for this other person or was there a bs excuse laid out for you so he could snake away guilt free? Well that's life, you take that risk each time you enter a relationship and allow yourself to get attached. Every time I went back during those two weeks trying to get my ex back I knew deep in my heart it was over but I did everything possible because that's the right thing when you are in love, no matter the hurt I have to put myself through. I understand why you are going crazy. I had a crazy spell last night, thinking maybe I was at fault....this can't be her, no she would never be this cruel or evil....but guess what it was her fault (Mostly) and she IS that cruel and uncaring. I've gone on two dates, one turned out to be super clingy and other is okay been talking to her for 2 months now, been taking it slow. It is all dependant on the person, not gender. I know I will feel love again and so you will. Well quite simple, when I think she is going to come back I just tell myself it is highly unlikely because she is clearly happy with her choice and not caring about me, hence her not bothering to even check up on me to see if I was okay. She could come back, even if it is a long shot, but when I think this, I think of the possible mental/emotional disorders she has been red flagging, her father issues, how she just didn't care about how she broke up with me or what she did because she wanted to make it all my fault when I did nothing wrong just so she can walk away guilt free, and how if I even take her back that just would tell her she can do it again. I'd just set myself up for more and more misery.
Rorschach64 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 That's the name of the game, NC his butt. Though NC is for you to heal and move on that's it. If he does not message you ever again, well you win because you healed on move on and if he does message then you will have what you want, you win. See what I am getting at?
Author Marianis Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 (edited) I know how you feel, like I said my ex was my fiancee...marriage and family, hell we were even picking out kids names lol. I don't know how things got like this either since everything crashed and burned in 2 weeks. Well did he leave you for this other person or was there a bs excuse laid out for you so he could snake away guilt free? Eventho we werent going to marry.. we had a LDR and we were fantasising alll time about us being together forever... it was just a matter of 1 more year (we were "together for 3 years" and saw eachother every 6 months) .. i kissed a guy twice ... and told him about it.. he said he forgave me .. but after a year he said he never did and thats why he left me. Eventho i thought everything was fine and we were even more in love.. silly me. ... Well that's life, you take that risk each time you enter a relationship and allow yourself to get attached. Every time I went back during those two weeks trying to get my ex back I knew deep in my heart it was over but I did everything possible because that's the right thing when you are in love, no matter the hurt I have to put myself through. i felt exactly like you... after he broke up with me.. i was devastated... begging him all the time to take me back he came to see me for 2 weeks and he said those weeks were to "try the relation ship" i did whatever i could but obviosly i felt traped and used!! ... he left saying "i dont know what will happen in the future" and "my door is not open for anyone i just cant be with you right now" (he didnt want to live in mexico for a little... while i find a job and learn so it could be easier for me to live in canada...) (plus i found that before he came he was in a relation ship .. that he swear it was just a date) 2 weeks after he came i found out he was in a relation ship already with this girl he always wanted to date in highschool! I understand why you are going crazy. I had a crazy spell last night, thinking maybe I was at fault....this can't be her, no she would never be this cruel or evil....but guess what it was her fault (Mostly) and she IS that cruel and uncaring. Look!!.... its the same that i think.. how can he be this cruel!... where did all the love we had left?!?! .. i dont understand!! ... :s I've gone on two dates, one turned out to be super clingy and other is okay been talking to her for 2 months now, been taking it slow. It is all dependant on the person, not gender. I know I will feel love again and so you will. I have been going out with someone.. but we have nothing seriuos... i mean i do want to feel something again but really i dont! ... im mean to him and now i dont feel like dating or metting somebody else.. i kind of feel i will be alone in my future with lots of cats LOL Well quite simple, when I think she is going to come back I just tell myself it is highly unlikely because she is clearly happy with her choice and not caring about me, hence her not bothering to even check up on me to see if I was okay. She could come back, even if it is a long shot, but when I think this, I think of the possible mental/emotional disorders she has been red flagging, her father issues, how she just didn't care about how she broke up with me or what she did because she wanted to make it all my fault when I did nothing wrong just so she can walk away guilt free, and how if I even take her back that just would tell her she can do it again. I'd just set myself up for more and more misery. wow! .. i want to be like you... just to think that he will never come back i do think he is happy with his new relation ship but i mean i dont understand how people can be so replasable! .. what happen to those "what we have is real" ... and all the bull****?! ... and it sucks how they did make it seam it was all us... and just left!! .. when the truth is that they have 50% of the guilt also :S what do you think about all this?! .. i know im just hurting myself even more.. and i couldnt sleep thinking about this thing..... and how it would be difficult not to keep contact with him .. but i mean how can i just think he is like dead to me... its sad not to have him around at all. and its been so long i dont think i even know him anymore :S Edited November 14, 2011 by Marianis
lolita jade Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I am in the same boat with my husband of 25 yrs. He lives 5 mins walk away with my 20 yr old son and has new GF of 4 months. It kills the no contact thing. The trouble is I want to understand the situation and want answers. That is what makes me want to contact him more, Why didnt he try with me again when he has strong feelings for me? Why is he not contacting me at all when he told her he has strong feelings for his wife and he needed to help me with things? Why does he want to spend Christmas with new woman instead of with his family? etc etc etc I think it is called being loved up and blind to everything around him. Looking at his 4 month relationship with a woman with 3 children and he doesnt like other peoples children as if it is perfect. All of a sudden he seems to hate me. Best to put a block on analizing your ex and concentrate on you or it will make us all insane with worry. I am going to get fit, independant, fun, new image and if he doesnt come back regretting what he did at least I will be happy and proving to him that i am a survivor. Think about it. Spend time on you and love you for a while. Hard but you will have the last laugh.
Author Marianis Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 wow.. thats a really difficult situation!! .. i cant imagine how you are feeling but ya at the end he will realize that he was wrong... and he should care about the things that really matter :S ... cant really understand guys!! so what are you going to do?? .. keep NC or ask for answers?! About spending time on me and being independant im getting there and im doing it for me .. but! .. i miss him still and ya ... i guess i was wrong.. i do want him back still.. yesterday made me feel like i still have a connecting and thats why im getting crazy .. the feeling i was hiding is there still!! .. how can i forget it again when i know its there still?!?!?!?!
lolita jade Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I am devastated that I have known him for 25 years and all of a sudden there is nothing. I saw him Saturday and the look in his eyes were empty. It is like there is no emotion for me what so ever. He becomes snappy very easily too, when I haven't said anything wrong. I am treading on eggshells. I feel I have no option than to not contact him. He doesnt miss me or he would contact me. He never phones to ask how I am either. On a couple of occasions he questions me loads but has no input or care for what I say. It is like he is just being nosey. An idea is to delete his number from your phone. Write it on a peice of paper. Put it in an envelope and then write lots of reminders why you shouldnt contact him all over it. Put it away in a really obscure place so you feel like a freak just looking for it Men are very odd and think with their c***** I am sure. Logic goes out of the window when their brains are working downstairs lol. All he says to me is he is happy and he doesnt want anyone to stop that. I think the key is to not spend your energy thinking about him. Keep busy on you and dont use any of your energy on him at all. You will make yourself ill. I wont ask mine any questions because I just get on his nerves right now. Get out with your friends and start running or something
Rorschach64 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 A lot of the time with these individuals they decide to internalize things, which I say is rather immature and cowardly, so you really don't get much of a chance to fix things when it is a small issue. Most of the time when someone just ups and leaves like that it is basically because well for one they have been internalizing the break up and coping with it way before you know something is up and secondly, this is an always thing, there is someone else they are attracted to. So when it comes to the break up, if there is someone else, they will try to project their guilt on to you or they demonize you...or at least that's what I got on my end. It is a psychological self defense mechanism called cognitive dessonance, I believe. In all honesty none of what he has done/said before the break up, during the break up, and after the break up doesn't matter now. What matters is your future where you deserve to be happy without your ex's. I cannot tell you a magical way of making this better, that is your own personal discovery, I wish I could though. In all honesty, I can just suggest self reflecting, eventually you will see red flags in time on his end, and yes running does help but main important thing is to FORCE yourself with NC. Yes the man you knew and loved is now dead, he isn't the person you knew, he is a zombie monster thing looking to eat your brains if anything at all. NC is not easy at all and the occasional threads on this forum suggesting to break it will only hurt you but recognize WHY you are doing NC, do you really want to be bothered with someone that cares nothing for you or your feelings?
Rorschach64 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 As for you Jade, thinking all men are like that is just unfair I mean by that same token I can say all women are just bat poop nuts and never make sense. The fact of the matter is you gotta blame the individual for their actions not a gender, race, or whatever. Some people are just down right messed up in the face.
Author Marianis Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 I cannot tell you a magical way of making this better, that is your own personal discovery, I wish I could though. In all honesty, I can just suggest self reflecting, eventually you will see red flags in time on his end, and yes running does help but main important thing is to FORCE yourself with NC. Yes the man you knew and loved is now dead, he isn't the person you knew, he is a zombie monster thing looking to eat your brains if anything at all. i know you are right!! i know it... but this feeling is dryving me crazy! .. ive been thinking all day a way to cross in his way again!! .. but thinking at the same time nothing really will happen.. i mean past is past but wow... what i lived with him was the best... thats why i can not forgive him he was the most amazing person i knew.. and its hard also because we were full of fantasies... but those fantasies make me feel something can happen again! :s too bad... hope he is happy with his gf tho.. and maybe someday he can contact me again .. and by then i wont need that he contacts because i will how to live without him.. thanks Rorschach ... you have helped me a lot!! .. i hope you can move on too .. someday someday.... :S
lolita jade Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Hi I am interested to know the way my ex is being to me is a self defence mechanism rather than just being nasty to me. It shows he is guilty and that gives me comfort in a way, that he does feel bad about what he is doing to me. The thing is he knows I wanted to get back with him and he chose her over me when it came to it. Even though he told me and her that he has strong feelings for me. He chose the new broom!! :0) You sound like you really know what you are talking about! I didnt mean to generalize men. But it is a term us women use when men play around. I am always tempted to call with some excuse to ring. It is like an alcoholic not drinking to not ring/ text. But I know I must be strong and spend my energy on me not him. Trouble is some of my stuff is still there and I am afraid I wont get it back if he gets more against me. Ali
Rorschach64 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Mari, Dear god it will drive you nuts for the longest time and probably have a general grasp as what probably happened and why it happened. Yup, I know that feeling too. My ex-fiancee was my whole world, she was so awesome possum and no one can ever compare to her brownie butt, but that's a side effect of love. There will be another guy out there that can recreate this feeling or do it even better, I promise. Though you have a pretty good idea of how you will be when you have finally moved on and accepted the situation as it is. Just remember you are beautiful, special, and amazing in your own way thus you are more than capable of getting someone else.
nathanjbrown1 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 After almost 6 months of NC I just broke it 2 times.. 1 like 2 months ago .. and now this time.. … .. .. I don’t know how I feel about it! And I don’t know if its good or bad… I was cheking fb AGAIN.. and I saw he and his gf blocked me from the other fb! .. :S who knows how he knew it was mine :S .. i closed them like 3 weeks ago... but tonight i got in again .... after that i closed them AGAIN to make sure i dont ever look!!!! ..... anyway.. I feel the need to ask him ... so i texted him this: “hey how are you? .. I need to ask you something.” ,.. he answered me and told me he was ok and that I could ask.. then I asked him if he thought I was an stalker! .. :s he said no and asked me why.. I told him that sometimes I wonder and want to know about him … he told me what he was doing and stuff and I told him to.. we sent a lot of messages until I asked him if he wanted to keep contact with me … .. he said that since the other time I called (like 2 months ago) he said yes .. but he never heard from me again……. I told him I didn’t want him to have problems with his gf.. and he said he could do what he wants without her permission… :s I told him it would suck not to see him in Christmas and that he could text me to then. He said that it would be good to know about me also... then good night and that was it… he also said that he was different with girls not like he was with me .. and stuff.. So what to do?! .. I do want to know about him! .. and I have no expectations I just want to know… I guess… it was good to hear from him and I think I feel better now.. I mean Im not looking to get him back…. Can I keep contact with him????? Or is it bad still?! .. I don’t know .. I mean I do feel things for him still…. WHAT DO I DO NOW?!????? How often can I sent him a txt?! .. ahhhh this is so difficult!!!! ... and i dont really expect him to sent me anything.. but it would be nice if he does... And is it bad if I want him back?! .. (which right now I don’t but i just want to know... ) --- crazy girl :S PLEASE ANSWER ANY ADVISE WOULD BE GOOD!! I Think that is a bad idea.Why? he is in a new relationship now..and It seems that you will be an mistress if ever...that is an disparate move...It's better for you to live him with his gf..and you better move on..look someone better and not in a relationship.
Rorschach64 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Jade, Well basically his nastiness is just him making you out to be a monster when you aren't so he can say internally "Thank god I left that mean person now I can fully be happy!" Kind of broke that down barney style but I am not saying it is right by any means, it is manipulative and cruel. That's where you and me have some common grounds Jade. My ex basically did the same set up to me except she accused me of cheating on her when I didn't, hell she even admitted it off handiedly that she thought she was over reacting but was like 'Oh nahhh...lesson learned for the future.' The guilt is what is the main driving force for this behavior. Heh, I know your feelings of wanting to get in contact with your ex for whatever reason to have that connection still, my ex jacked my laptop been waiting 5.5 months for it and nothing, but you know what, you are right you have to be strong! In all honesty....is your stuff really worth more hurt and drama garbage? I know my laptop isn't and me showing indifference to my stuff gives me more freedom towards the situation.
Author Marianis Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 I Think that is a bad idea.Why? he is in a new relationship now..and It seems that you will be an mistress if ever...that is an disparate move...It's better for you to live him with his gf..and you better move on..look someone better and not in a relationship. thats is totally true.. soo ok ... everything seems like NC again is the best for me! .. and i just wish him good.. i guess.. :S ill keep trying to be without him .. find myself and then see if i can find some i can try to love again! .. ... so good bye my love again!! as sad as it is :S hope someday he cross my way ... hopefully someday ----
Rorschach64 Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Mari, NC seems like it is good for me? Nope it IS good for you. I'll keep trying to be without him? You be without him for the better of your mental and physical health, trust me. You deserve better and will get better. If I can find someone, I can try love again? You WILL find someone and you WILL love again, I double triple promise on this one. Now smile because you still have a whole life to live!
Author Marianis Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 Mari, NC seems like it is good for me? Nope it IS good for you. I'll keep trying to be without him? You be without him for the better of your mental and physical health, trust me. You deserve better and will get better. If I can find someone, I can try love again? You WILL find someone and you WILL love again, I double triple promise on this one. Now smile because you still have a whole life to live! Wow!!.. you almost made me cry!! seriosly!!!... its just that this time has been so difficult for me when maybe for him has been just something he had to get trough.... Im not sure about finding and loving someone as much as i did! .. but hopefully i can do it!! thank you so much for your advises!! ... really helped me think... ill be better tomorrow i guess... ill promise ill smile sooooon you too eh Rorschach!!!! you better smile since you give such good advises
joseph17 Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Your are going to have to go NC no matter how hard it will be. Getting over a ex can be a long process and one of the hardest things to go through. You have to get over him though he has moved on and has a GF. You can't wait around for something that may never happen. Start dating or at least hang out with friends and going out. Don't stay at home and mope get out there and do the things you have always wanted to do. You will start to feel better with the more things you do to keep active and busy. Just be sociable and find the person you once used to be
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