Going through a hard time

[Sweets22]

I'm 6 days post break up and I'm not doing so well.

I'm 31, he's 33 and we were engaged, living together and 2 months from our wedding. I have a daughter and we had a life with him and I'm hurting.

 

I guess I need some advice (please be kind) on how to dissect this because I'm so confused and frustrated.

 

His back story is that he was raised a Jehovah's witness (he is no longer, I never was), married for 12 years, and I was his first relationship post divorce. (I know, I know)

 

We had a VERY loving, mature, intimate relationship everyday we were together. We were respectful and honest and healthy and I had no reason to believe he was having fears or doubts about building a marriage and family. He moved out while I was at work on Friday and broke the news to me as we arrived home later than night. He has been just as big a wreck as I have and we're not doing well staying away from each other. We spent last night together talking, constructively, about why he felt he needed to do this and I'm trying to be strong, but I just do not understand.

 

He says he's in love with me completely. He insists that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, the funniest, most original person he's ever met. That he's just as in love with me as before, if not more after being so honest with his feelings, but that he needs some time to figure himself out. He said he has so many unanswered question about life and he needs to experience it for himself in order to be the best boyfriend, fiance, husband, and father he can be. As a child he never had freedom of thought, time, space, etc... He, because of his religion, was not given an opportunity to live the life that most of us got to live. He's never hit the dating scene, never had nights out at the bar alone or just with friends (who weren't witnesses) He has a jealousy inside of him related directly to the fact that me and all of our friends have all of these stories and this life he can't even wrap his head around and it has eaten him up inside to the point that he feels he NEEDS to have an understanding.

 

Ok, I get the logistics of it all and I have empathy, but WHAT THE HELL! He told me that when he's ready for love, that he only wants mine. He said that when he's out there "living life" he will not be seeking anything remotely close to what we have. He has sworn to me over and over that he will NEVER say I love you to another woman. Is this supposed to guide me to a comforting place? I'm supposed to just hold on to the fact that while the man who I accepted as my husband is going to be loving only me while he dates other women? He knows what he's asking. He's been crying just as hard as I have. We can't act like we're apart when we're next to each other and I know that I need to go no contact, but how do I do it?

 

This has been the single most horrible thing I've ever experienced in my 31 years. I know I sound ridiculous and that I seem like "that woman", but I'm seriously seeking support. I'm not ready to talk to a large group of my real life world about this yet, so I'm looking for help from outside sources.

 

Am I being a total idiot for believing that we can make it through this? For trusting him and believing in him and having faith in our relationship, albeit broken? I know him and he is THEE most kindhearted person I've ever known. He would NEVER lead me on maliciously and he would never tell him these things if he didn't honestly believe that he could find his way home to me. What do I do in the mean time, tho? I know I need to take care of myself and my daughter and keep busy and exercise, etc...but I think anyone been thru something like this can attest to those things being easier said than done.

 

I just need some sound advice on how to handle this no contact, 45 minutes apart from each other stage.

[ChelseaLS]

I'm 6 days post break up and I'm not doing so well.

I'm 31, he's 33 and we were engaged, living together and 2 months from our wedding. I have a daughter and we had a life with him and I'm hurting.

 

I guess I need some advice (please be kind) on how to dissect this because I'm so confused and frustrated.

 

His back story is that he was raised a Jehovah's witness (he is no longer, I never was), married for 12 years, and I was his first relationship post divorce. (I know, I know)

 

We had a VERY loving, mature, intimate relationship everyday we were together. We were respectful and honest and healthy and I had no reason to believe he was having fears or doubts about building a marriage and family. He moved out while I was at work on Friday and broke the news to me as we arrived home later than night. He has been just as big a wreck as I have and we're not doing well staying away from each other. We spent last night together talking, constructively, about why he felt he needed to do this and I'm trying to be strong, but I just do not understand.

 

He says he's in love with me completely. He insists that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, the funniest, most original person he's ever met. That he's just as in love with me as before, if not more after being so honest with his feelings, but that he needs some time to figure himself out. He said he has so many unanswered question about life and he needs to experience it for himself in order to be the best boyfriend, fiance, husband, and father he can be. As a child he never had freedom of thought, time, space, etc... He, because of his religion, was not given an opportunity to live the life that most of us got to live. He's never hit the dating scene, never had nights out at the bar alone or just with friends (who weren't witnesses) He has a jealousy inside of him related directly to the fact that me and all of our friends have all of these stories and this life he can't even wrap his head around and it has eaten him up inside to the point that he feels he NEEDS to have an understanding.

 

Ok, I get the logistics of it all and I have empathy, but WHAT THE HELL! He told me that when he's ready for love, that he only wants mine. He said that when he's out there "living life" he will not be seeking anything remotely close to what we have. He has sworn to me over and over that he will NEVER say I love you to another woman. Is this supposed to guide me to a comforting place? I'm supposed to just hold on to the fact that while the man who I accepted as my husband is going to be loving only me while he dates other women? He knows what he's asking. He's been crying just as hard as I have. We can't act like we're apart when we're next to each other and I know that I need to go no contact, but how do I do it?

 

This has been the single most horrible thing I've ever experienced in my 31 years. I know I sound ridiculous and that I seem like "that woman", but I'm seriously seeking support. I'm not ready to talk to a large group of my real life world about this yet, so I'm looking for help from outside sources.

 

Am I being a total idiot for believing that we can make it through this? For trusting him and believing in him and having faith in our relationship, albeit broken? I know him and he is THEE most kindhearted person I've ever known. He would NEVER lead me on maliciously and he would never tell him these things if he didn't honestly believe that he could find his way home to me. What do I do in the mean time, tho? I know I need to take care of myself and my daughter and keep busy and exercise, etc...but I think anyone been thru something like this can attest to those things being easier said than done.

 

I just need some sound advice on how to handle this no contact, 45 minutes apart from each other stage.

 

 

I am going to read this and reply to it in 20 mins after I do some work... I have some JW background that may help... (Im not a JW, my real dads side of the family is). Let me finish my work and I will reply.

[ChelseaLS]

I am going to read this and reply to it in 20 mins after I do some work... I have some JW background that may help... (Im not a JW, my real dads side of the family is). Let me finish my work and I will reply.

 

 

This actually makes PERFECT sense to me given the religion. I was raised a JW when I was a kid, but my mom and dad split and my mom left the religion when I was 13... my brother and me went with her. However I have A TON of family that is still in the JW organization.

 

Time and time again, with JW's that I know or JW family members, when they leave the religion there is this crazy new found freedom that they can go be human and experience life. I know to the average Joe that has never been in such a cult, that it doesn't make much sense. However when I see these people (and even when I was a kid) the new freedom to do things that the rest of the world was doing and enjoy was amazing. Now I was too young obviously for the whole sex scene but I have seen ex-JW's go all out partying and playing, because all of their lives it was taboo. You'd be kicked out of the religion, shunned by your family and friends, etc. So when he says that he never had that chance and he wants to go experience it now, take it as true.

 

However, he should have NEVER thrown himself into a relationship and take it to the level of marriage before finding himself. Please do not hold out for him while he is being single and living it up. We need to remember he never before had this freedom, and this a) could go on a long time and b) very well may find out that he wants something else.

 

I guarantee that he is torn inside, between you and this freedom. And to you and me, the choice is black and white... it should be you. But he knows you and has spent time with you and has never done anything else but follow the rules.

 

So all in all, given the background religionl you need to try your damndest and let him go.

 

I wish you all the best I really do. But please, please, please don't hold out for him.

[Sweets22]

I really appreciate your thoughtful response. It is so hard read, but insightful and I'm sure there is some merit of truth to it. I'm trying to find strength in a situation where I feel totally weak and its causing me pain I've never felt before.

 

I feel forgotten and small and I'm physically ill over the loss of him. How do you let go of your best friend? How do you let go of your life and future; especially when the person who you shared all of that with says he still loves you?

 

I want to wait. I want to believe he'll be back after he goes out and realizes that the bar scene and dating scene suck so severely. Maybe I shouldn't This is like termites in my brain and an earthquake in my heart. I feel completely lost.

[kittenkit]

Oh - my heart goes out to you. My fiance broke up with me 3 weeks before our wedding after 5 years together and it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me in terms of intense emotional impact. My ex isn't even a JW or anything - just felt like he needed to get out there and find himself I suppose.

Your guy has made a massive mistake in getting so involved before he was ready for a relationship like this. I believe you when you're saying that you are both crying. Don't let anyone tell you that he didn't love you or anything like that - some people will say this because people are stupid!

The sad truth is that loving each other isn't enough, timing is important too. This just sounds like the wrong time.

Chelsea is absolutely right - you can't wait for him and you need to let him go, but if you drop him suddenly I imagine it will just be too much of a shock. So take your time and do it bit by bit.

With my ex I did things like say "please let's not talk for a month and then we'll catch up and have a chat if we feel like it." It's not exactly NC, but it helps ease you into it.

[ChelseaLS]

I really appreciate your thoughtful response. It is so hard read, but insightful and I'm sure there is some merit of truth to it. I'm trying to find strength in a situation where I feel totally weak and its causing me pain I've never felt before.

 

I feel forgotten and small and I'm physically ill over the loss of him. How do you let go of your best friend? How do you let go of your life and future; especially when the person who you shared all of that with says he still loves you?

 

I want to wait. I want to believe he'll be back after he goes out and realizes that the bar scene and dating scene suck so severely. Maybe I shouldn't This is like termites in my brain and an earthquake in my heart. I feel completely lost.

 

I totally understand... all of it. I was literally ill, vomiting for a good two days when me and my ex split. I too want to wait, sometimes I feel like I would wait my entire life for him... but thats incredibly unfair to my happiness and I feel I deserve to be happy, as do you.

 

At this very fresh time, try not to hold out hope... its so much easier said then done. As the saying goes, "If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it wasn't ment to be". Most important part of that saying... "let it (them) go".

 

I hate when people say this but it is true... It WILL get better. Focus on you right now. He has his own issues to work out, that he has to do ON his own. So now is a great time to work on you.

[Sweets22]

Ugh, I'm trying. Sincerely. We saw each other last night. We went to dinner at our favorite restaurant, he kissed me the whole time, we held hands, ordered our fav food, he never took his hand off of my leg. I'm such a fool. I knew that NOTHING was going to change, I knew it, but I couldn't help but get lost in the moment. We started getting upset at the restaurant. We talked, I cried, he got frustrated, I got frustrated, we left and continued the conversation in the car. A mix of emotions washed over both of us, but we maintained control and didn't become abusive at all. He repeated his love for me and also repeated his need for exploration. We went inside and fell into old habits. We sat on a couch and rubbed each other's feet, kissed, spent what felt like hours staring into each other's eyes, we became intimate, and ended the night with a laugh. We are just so good together I can't understand how there could be anything else out more important that me and preserving this beautiful love.

 

I break down all day everyday, I get sick after I eat, I have to take nyquil to sleep, I have shut down and he is getting increasingly frustrated with me. I am my own worst enemy. It feels good to know that I'm not alone, tho I can't help but feel completely isolated in my real life. I have only told a few friends, and they are doing their best, but they don't understand it either. To our world we are the perfect couple. No one has ever seen me happy like this before and everyone has always been very vocal about their positive feelings for us as a couple. I don't want to let people down, I don't want to feel embarrassed and ashamed. I don't want to look childish because I outwardly thought this relationship was my forever and often talked about our deep love. I just feel so lost.

 

I wish this was over. Either way, but I know its just beginning.

[ChelseaLS]

Ugh, I'm trying. Sincerely. We saw each other last night. We went to dinner at our favorite restaurant, he kissed me the whole time, we held hands, ordered our fav food, he never took his hand off of my leg. I'm such a fool. I knew that NOTHING was going to change, I knew it, but I couldn't help but get lost in the moment. We started getting upset at the restaurant. We talked, I cried, he got frustrated, I got frustrated, we left and continued the conversation in the car. A mix of emotions washed over both of us, but we maintained control and didn't become abusive at all. He repeated his love for me and also repeated his need for exploration. We went inside and fell into old habits. We sat on a couch and rubbed each other's feet, kissed, spent what felt like hours staring into each other's eyes, we became intimate, and ended the night with a laugh. We are just so good together I can't understand how there could be anything else out more important that me and preserving this beautiful love.

 

I break down all day everyday, I get sick after I eat, I have to take nyquil to sleep, I have shut down and he is getting increasingly frustrated with me. I am my own worst enemy. It feels good to know that I'm not alone, tho I can't help but feel completely isolated in my real life. I have only told a few friends, and they are doing their best, but they don't understand it either. To our world we are the perfect couple. No one has ever seen me happy like this before and everyone has always been very vocal about their positive feelings for us as a couple. I don't want to let people down, I don't want to feel embarrassed and ashamed. I don't want to look childish because I outwardly thought this relationship was my forever and often talked about our deep love. I just feel so lost.

 

I wish this was over. Either way, but I know its just beginning.

 

Yikes, becareful. Say no to these kisses and sex and all the lovely dovey stuff right now. He needs to know he cannot have the best of both worlds. If he wants you, he gets you and ONLY you. My ex has a case of GIGS right now (grass is greener) and I told him, "sorry but you can't have both, so you need go figure your **** out, but do not expect me to wait for you" I was dying inside saying this because I would wait and it's funny because even though we are being hurt by our partners we want to be held by them and have them say its okay and hug us and kiss us.

Show some tough love as in don't be mean and crule, but don't let him have you and the single life. Try some no contact or low contact. I guarantee he will regret his decision. My dad did (hes a JW), 6 months later he was on my mom's front step begging her to take him back, but there had been too much hurt and mom said no.

 

I understand about how you think people may view you now. I had a friend of ours say to me "I am surprised, you guys had such a strong healthy relationship. You guys were a model couple". Remember your guy was the one that left because he has his own issues, they won't be looking down on you. They will mostlikely be thinking "what in the hell is he thinking?! letting her go".

 

Be strong and carry on. It feels hopeless right now, but it's not.

[Sweets22]

I guess that I should say that it was just as much me reaching out to him. I kissed him, he kissed me. WE held hands. It was just as much me. I can't imagine what no contact is going to feel like, but I'm trying to gear up for it. We've talked about it extensively and we both want it. He finds our conversations counter productive to what he's trying to do, that hurts to hear. He seems distant via text so I have this over powering desire to present myself to him so he can reconnect with his feelings for me. He says that every time we see each other and have to part, the goodbye rips him back open and he has to start all over, too.

 

I have issues of my own that are making this break up so difficult. My mother died when I was 5 and my father was a distant alcoholic from then on. He's been dead now for 5 years, and I have been very careful to not connect to anyone too deeply as to not feel the pain of loss, rejection of not being worthy of the fight. I finally felt safe with N and my head is spinning right now. I'm filled with the same feelings I had a kid, as a young girl learning to date. I feel the same sense of rejection I felt when my dad chose to drink over his family.

 

I am forcing myself on him because if I don't control my life, things leave and I get hurt. I am making some serious post break up mistakes and I'm really afraid that he'll lose sight of his love for me because it will be replaced with frustration. I am fighting with myself here and I feel like I'm losing.

[ChelseaLS]

No contact is going to suck for the first week, but it gets easier.

 

I kind of get it when you talk about your issues. My ex lost his mother when he was young and would never admit it bugged him until one night after a few drinks he told me he never lets anyone close because they always leave. That's one issue he needs to deal with. So I am thinking you could use this time to work on your own issues about being abandoned. There is no better time when you can really sit down and talk to someone about it, then now when you're going through it.

 

Him saying that the conversations are counter productive sounds like he's made up his mind, he is going to go have his single life. And really that's fine and better that it happens now then later down the road like if you two were married for a couple of years.

[Sweets22]

Yes, he's made up his mind. He wants this. He wants me, but he wants this as much. So I cringe at the stories I make up in my head about what he'll do when he's out there. I'll cry at night because I'm alone. I'll continue to let everything remind me of him...I will just continue until this passes? Seems unfair. And does real, honest love ever actually pass?

 

I should use this time to help heal me, you're right. The thing is, I don't even know where to start. I didn't even know that I was so messed up until I started being honest with him and myself about my past and my feelings. I don't know who to trust or where to feel safe because i honestly thought I was home with him.

[ChelseaLS]

When I decided it was time to work on me I decided to hop on line and googled therapists and councellors in my area that specialized in the areas of my life that I wanted to work on, talk about, deal with and heal. Most of them deal in a wide range of different areas so if your not sure just find one you'd like to try. I also decided I was going to get more spiritual, untuned with myself, so I have been searching meditation groups, yoga groups, etc. pick one area you would like to focus on first and go from there.