Struggling, supporting adult child, now grandchild on the way :|

[OneFootOut]

I ended up single again back in 2009. I have my 2 little ones full time and my adult son and his gf live with me. They are expecting a baby in a few months. I support the main load, and end up doing most of the household routine as well.

 

My adult son has been looking for a job for 2 years. He has applied everywhere in town and in the next town. They don't have a car between them, so we all share mine. He has 24-7 access to it to find a job.

 

I keep getting so frustrated with the situation. It seems like every other week I wish they would just get out, but how can they? They have no money and no vehicle. I don't want to put them on the street with no means to get by, especially with a baby on the way.

 

The son's gf works a few hours a week, and she does help a little, but she will have some time off when the baby comes, so it will all fall back on me again.

 

What gets to me so much is that I put every penny I have on our bills. We don’t have any luxuries, so it's not like we are living the high life, and they certainly aren't getting any extras either. I never have money left to get myself anything I need, or to do for my younger kids.

 

I also have no privacy. I've had men tell me they felt awkward about dating because I had an adult son in the house. I can't even have a phone conversation without being overheard. They share my car and phone as well. It's driving me nuts.

 

Everyone says "throw them out!" But I would be doing them more harm than good putting them out until they were able to stand on their own.

 

Is anyone else dealing with having adult children in the house who aren't pulling their weight or doing their share? How do you clarify expectations and actually GET results? I have talked until I am blue, and written things down, etc. They get mad and comply with things for a few days, then its back to usual.

 

They are adults. It's not like I can ground them, or take away a game. We don't have any luxuries to cut back. I just don't know how to either get them out successfully for all of us, or get them to wake up and do their part and function as a family unit.

 

Any suggestions, experiences, or thoughts?

[Eve]

I ended up single again back in 2009. I have my 2 little ones full time and my adult son and his gf live with me. They are expecting a baby in a few months. I support the main load, and end up doing most of the household routine as well.

 

My adult son has been looking for a job for 2 years. He has applied everywhere in town and in the next town. They don't have a car between them, so we all share mine. He has 24-7 access to it to find a job.

 

I keep getting so frustrated with the situation. It seems like every other week I wish they would just get out, but how can they? They have no money and no vehicle. I don't want to put them on the street with no means to get by, especially with a baby on the way.

 

The son's gf works a few hours a week, and she does help a little, but she will have some time off when the baby comes, so it will all fall back on me again.

 

What gets to me so much is that I put every penny I have on our bills. We don’t have any luxuries, so it's not like we are living the high life, and they certainly aren't getting any extras either. I never have money left to get myself anything I need, or to do for my younger kids.

 

I also have no privacy. I've had men tell me they felt awkward about dating because I had an adult son in the house. I can't even have a phone conversation without being overheard. They share my car and phone as well. It's driving me nuts.

 

Everyone says "throw them out!" But I would be doing them more harm than good putting them out until they were able to stand on their own.

 

Is anyone else dealing with having adult children in the house who aren't pulling their weight or doing their share? How do you clarify expectations and actually GET results? I have talked until I am blue, and written things down, etc. They get mad and comply with things for a few days, then its back to usual.

 

They are adults. It's not like I can ground them, or take away a game. We don't have any luxuries to cut back. I just don't know how to either get them out successfully for all of us, or get them to wake up and do their part and function as a family unit.

 

Any suggestions, experiences, or thoughts?

 

In our household once the children reach 16 they have to get a job and go to College at the same time. This is non negotiable. As such they all work, go to College and then either have stayed on at their jobs or have gone to University.

 

Lol, I have even monitored their contraception!

 

That is the deal in my household and the children have known this since they were early teens.

 

I am not sure that you can now implement any new boundaries until after the birth and even then you could be guilt tripped by your young people into letting them stay. Here in the UK we have supported housing for 16 - 25year olds. If I were you I would direct them to somthing as such primarily because they are not learning anything by living with you. They are taking advantage of you.

 

Whatever you do you must really mean it and follow it through. Your son needs to be at work or in education, or preferably both. His GF needs also to be doing the same on some level. Accept nothing less than this, otherwise you will get less.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[OneFootOut]

Thank you Eve,

 

I have told him to get himself to school, or to go do ANY job, flip burgers, whatever. Anything is better than nothing. He keeps applying but never gets hired. I swear I think he must write "this is a joke, I really don't want a job" on his applications.

 

I did make them look for some sort of housing assistance, and they are now on a waiting list for that. I think they are #48 by now. He is 24, and she is 21. They have been together since she was 17, and for a short while lived on their own. They came back to my house (to get on their feet) when things fell apart for them, and the agreement was that they both be working and paying half of everything and doing half the household chores. He's just ever had any luck getting hired and doesn't have the money to pay for school courses.

 

Example: I've been sick for a couple weeks and doing my best to keep on top of the house and take care of my little ones. Last Wed. I got worse with a bad fever and headache etc, and just couldn't get to the housework. I asked them to step up and get things done. Well, after a couple days of me not feeling up to doing things, and them refusing, the house was a total disaster.

 

EVERY SINGLE dish in the house was dirty. I'm not kidding. Plates, cups, pots, pans, utensils.. there was not a clean dish to be found. They were all piled up and sitting around among food, spills, and trash. I was absolutely furious. They were aware of how sick I was, and didn't care enough to step up and at least wash the dishes for a couple days. I told them again I want them out, and we haven't spoke since.

 

I cleaned up my house again on my own, and dared them to use anything in the kitchen and walk off without cleaning it. I'm so fed up with the uncaring and disrespectful attitude. I didn't raise him that way. I can't just make an adult do what he/she won't do. I feel powerless, other than just stop interacting with them and pretend as if they aren't even here, what else can I do?

 

I just don't know what more to do, other than wait on the housing list. I want my life, house, and privacy back.

[Eve]

Thank you Eve,

 

I have told him to get himself to school, or to go do ANY job, flip burgers, whatever. Anything is better than nothing. He keeps applying but never gets hired. I swear I think he must write "this is a joke, I really don't want a job" on his applications.

 

I did make them look for some sort of housing assistance, and they are now on a waiting list for that. I think they are #48 by now. He is 24, and she is 21. They have been together since she was 17, and for a short while lived on their own. They came back to my house (to get on their feet) when things fell apart for them, and the agreement was that they both be working and paying half of everything and doing half the household chores. He's just ever had any luck getting hired and doesn't have the money to pay for school courses.

 

Example: I've been sick for a couple weeks and doing my best to keep on top of the house and take care of my little ones. Last Wed. I got worse with a bad fever and headache etc, and just couldn't get to the housework. I asked them to step up and get things done. Well, after a couple days of me not feeling up to doing things, and them refusing, the house was a total disaster.

 

EVERY SINGLE dish in the house was dirty. I'm not kidding. Plates, cups, pots, pans, utensils.. there was not a clean dish to be found. They were all piled up and sitting around among food, spills, and trash. I was absolutely furious. They were aware of how sick I was, and didn't care enough to step up and at least wash the dishes for a couple days. I told them again I want them out, and we haven't spoke since.

 

I cleaned up my house again on my own, and dared them to use anything in the kitchen and walk off without cleaning it. I'm so fed up with the uncaring and disrespectful attitude. I didn't raise him that way. I can't just make an adult do what he/she won't do. I feel powerless, other than just stop interacting with them and pretend as if they aren't even here, what else can I do?

 

I just don't know what more to do, other than wait on the housing list. I want my life, house, and privacy back.

 

Man, that is so harsh. I can understand them wanting to come back due to hard times but hard times are there for a reason; to build character. I think your son should join one of those 'job clubs' where they help with job applications etc. This way he will be out everyday and have help to look for work. Each day he is out of work is a day against him. He and his girlfriend need to find some sort of voluntary work in the interim - like, TOMORROW. No more whining and sitting up in your house stressing you out. Voluntary work is highly valuable and could lead to other things. I would insist upon that.

 

What on earth is it going to be like when the baby comes? They really do not have a clue do they? It is like they are 10 years younger than their age when it comes to helping out! Where on earth is this girls mother? You have a classic problem, OP, in having a boy. Mainly parents do not accept their daughters staying with boyfriends at their home and so the boyfriends parents can end with another child in their home full time via their son. This is classic. I got out of it by not allowing any of my children stop over with partners, lol.

 

Anyhow they sound like they are in a committed relationship but just don't respect being at home. The way they overlook you is horrid!

 

.. But I don't think they will be going anywhere until after the baby is born. You may have another year or so of what you are going through now to put up with.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[linwood]

Is anyone else dealing with having adult children in the house who aren't pulling their weight or doing their share? How do you clarify expectations and actually GET results?

 

I had the same problem.

 

I threw mine out.

[RiverRunning]

I've seen people like this before. Considering their horrible track record with employment, they had no business ever having a baby. I think you should give the girlfriend the address to the nearest Planned Parenthood center, even go with her after the baby is born, to make sure she starts taking birth control. Considering their income, it will probably be free for her. My household income was around $40k year the last time I went and I wasn't in school (if you're in school, usually it's free), so I pay $22 a month for my pills. Not bad, even so.

 

Set a deadline and stick to it. When the deadline arrives, you may have to call the police to have them removed from the home. I understand you don't want to put your grandbaby in a bad situation - maybe you could tell them that they can bring the baby (if you would like) for you to care for, but in the meantime they still need to get on their feet.

 

Tell your son to start applying on-line. Watch him as he puts in the applications, even. The girlfriend needs to be putting in applications too. She could be a waitress - I know it's a common joke at least in my area that the pregnant waitress always gets HUGE tips, especially from the women.

 

Start looking at low-income housing for them. Or start picking out shelters for them to stay in. Refer them to employment agencies.

 

But beyond that, the only thing you can do, Mama Bird, is push this baby from the nest. He'll either fly or crash to the ground. If he's got any sense, he'll learn to fly.