travelbug_23 Posted October 22, 2011 Posted October 22, 2011 Hi guys, I've come here seeking advice from people outside my friends and family who are obviously biased, and everyone here seems so friendly and supportive I'm hoping I can gain some insights! Basically, my bf/ex(?!) have been together for coming up to 9 months now, at least we were until Wednesday. He has a super stressful job (cop) that often leaves him drained, exhausted and cranky, and he has a lot going on within his family at the moment as well. We had been close since day one, the best of friends in a really happy, supportive and healthy relationship... Until about two weeks ago. I noticed he had dropped off in effort, and it felt like he made excuses about needing to do this or that every now and then instead of just saying he didn't want to see me on a given day. We were both stressed with work, families etc, and i felt i needed him then. The excuses Obviously upset me, and would end in me getting snappy and some tension between us. I mentioned to him that I had noticed a change, and that I wasn't feeling secure or happy at that point, he said he was just stressed but still loved me and would work on it. Things escalated w his family around this time and the effort dropped off even more, we had a bit of a blow up, nothing too bad, I gathered he probably needed some space and tried to give it, we didn't really talk save for a text every now and then for a few days So that brings us to Wednesday, when we arranged to meet up and have a chat, which I expected to basically be airing what our issues were, and working through it together. Wrong. He suggested we go on a break, as he needs time to be alone, away from everything and everyone incl me, so he can start to feel happy again. I understand the need for time out, but the issue was that he didn't seem to know whether it was a permanent break, or we would still be together.. Despite him seeming really upset, telling me how much he loved me, I'm his best friend and that he still wanted to see me during that time, and in shock I couldn't help but feel (perhaps overreacting) that it was his way of letting me down easy? My past experiences with 'breaks' = long and drawn out break up, and I didn't want this, so In the end i got defensive and broke it off. We hadn't talked until last night when we emailed each other, and it's clear that we are both suffering a great deal, he still doesn't know what he wants, is trying to work out whats best for us both,but says he misses me, wants me to call him if i want to talk, still feels the same and spends all day thinking about me and questioning himself.. Its all happened so sudden I guess I just don't really know what to do, I definitely want to give him space, and dont want to contact him first.. but I don't know if I should be 'grieving' and trying to move on as it's over, or remaining in a headspace where we are on a break and have a chance at reconciling. Any thoughts or insights?? Am I being silly for thinking he may end up wanting to make it work? Or is 'i need a break' always 'I want to break up'? Sorry for how long winded this has been! Your help is so much appreciated if you made it all the way to the end haha xx
Author travelbug_23 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 Anyone? Im starting to cope pretty badly with this and just dont know which way to go. Thanks guys x
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 Treat it as a breakup. My ex showed some of the signs that you described and here I am... single and 7 months post breakup. I don't mean to scare you but it would be best for you to treat this as a breakup and try to heal. This also means starting NC and not jumping into another relationship in the near future. If this really is a break he will come back and there will be no damage done on your part and NC will show him that you respect his boundaries.
ChelseaLS Posted October 23, 2011 Posted October 23, 2011 I am on a "break" right now with my bf/ex and I am treating it as a full blown break up. That way I can let go if it's not going to go anywhere and if it is.. That's fine too. I just don't want to face this hurt again down the road because I was hoping. I am just working on myself to better me, to heal and keep living a healthy life style. Treat it like a break up ford the sake of your heart... You don't want to hurt later on.
Author travelbug_23 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Posted October 23, 2011 thanks for both of your replies! I have been trying to treat it as a full blown break up, for my own health and sanity as well as what he wants. but now I'm struggling with the fact that he keeps trying to contact me, whether via Facebook or text. When I do reply, I'm trying to keep it brief and light, but I'm really confused as to what is going on. I'm going overseas for a few weeks soon, and i left a coat i need to take with me at his house. i replied to one of his messages today and just said that I would need to collect it, but if it's easier he can leave it somewhere and i'll just get it. He responded asking why I didn't want to see him (I s aid he wanted the break, and it would be too painful to see each other and play friends but we'd work out whether we do over the next few weeks). I know he still does feel the same way about us, and I don't want to hurt him when I'm distant. Is NC still the way to go?? ahhh break ups such so much. And ChelseaLS, I hope that it works out the way you want it to!
Recommended Posts