Mach Defy Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) Hi everyone, This is a long one, and you are amazing if you make it through this and offer me your thoughts. Although I hate to be so self-pitying, it has been a really rough time for me. Thanks for your concerns. Here's the backstory. I dated my first girlfriend and love for a little over a year. While we had rough patches, I had thought they would only make us stronger. Over time, we grew close, and discussed getting married in great detail, including the date, up to the point where we were unofficially engaged for about 2 weeks (we had busy schedules, and I was planning a romantic proposal). This period was early in the summer, and the wedding was planned for the spring. Unfortunately, circumstances led to me telling her in an extremely unthoughtful way that we may have to wait to get married. It was my fault, and ever since I have regretted the way I told her. Since then, our relationship progressively deteriorated. She told me she lost all trust for me. I became frustrated with the decline in the quality of our relationship, and I believe that this was evident with her and as a result, things spiraled downward. Our fights became more frequent, yet we would make up every time. We had many fundamental problems, including communication, trust, and she felt that I made our relationship feel like an obligation to her. Despite all this, I truly loved her, and believed she truly loved me, as she told me she still wanted to marry me and end up with me. I knew what it was like to be completely vulnerable to someone, to adore and care for them no matter what they did, to think about their happiness and well being, to want to change and better myself for her, and have these feelings be unquestionable and unconditional. 3 weeks ago, we had a fight, and she told me she thought we should break up. I was not prepared to do this, as I still felt like she was my soulmate. She then suggested a 3 week trial break up / separation with NC. I did not want to do this, but she convinced me it was best for her, and wanted to see if I would miss her (of course I would!) and if I loved her enough to do what was best for her. She gave me hope during this exchange that she would still want to date me. Those 3 weeks were miserable. Almost immediately, I knew I wanted and needed her in my life, and constantly wondered if she would come to the same conclusion. Although we did not talk, she posted on my wall on Facebook twice during this time. I was given hope by this, and assumed she missed me. I broke down a few days before our arranged date (we did not arrange a time or place), and contacted her to ask if we were going to meet as planned. Then, I professed my feelings for her. The next day, she told me she was extremely busy and stressed, and said she thought our talk would take more time than she was prepared to give, and asked if we could meet later. I told her that it was fine, and she should not worry about me or stress, and she should take care of herself first. We made some small talk, and during this I noticed more and more signs of distance with her. I strongly suspected she was going to break up with me, and she hesitantly confirmed that she no longer wanted to date me (this was not in person, and she wanted to let me know and give me time to talk). She told me she did not think we were right for one another, we've been unhappy for a very long time, and our relationship was toxic. Although I understood where she was coming from, I was nevertheless crushed. Our conversation did not continue much longer, but she let me know that she felt happy for a change, her relationship with others have improved, and talked about things she did to better herself that she did not do when we were dating. After I asked, she said she may still love me, but was no longer in love with me. She said she hated me a little as well, and was angry with me. This was extremely hurtful. I told her I understood her and accepted her decision, and while I was not angry, resentful, or bitter with her, I could not have any more contact with her, and she understood this. I told her that while I was very sad our relationship ended, I will always cherish the good times and feel lucky to have met her. Our conversation abruptly ended shortly after. I removed reminders of her, and blocked her on messaging services and Facebook. I was coping with my feelings of extreme sadness, profound loss, heartache, guilt, and sometimes even anger. I tried to convince myself that although this was the most painful thing I’ve experienced, she was right and we were not meant for each other, despite the fact that I thought this for a very long time. I also tried telling myself I’d one day become happy again. I did not think we’d ever talk again. However, the next day, she emailed me asking if I still wanted to talk, sorry that our conversation ended abrupted, and hoped I was having a good day. I did not know what to do, but decided to unblock her from IM, and told her it would be nice to see her one last time (since our breakup wasn't in person) and I had some lingering questions. In retrospect, I sort of regret both these things, since I'm not sure what good could have come out of it. I suppose I wanted full closure, as I had logically accepted the end, but not emotionally. Her answers were slightly hurtful, and she accused me of being mean and manipulative (I'm not sure where this came from). I promised myself I would never get angry with her as soon as she broke up with me. She told me she wanted to still talk this Friday, but did not know exactly when would work for her. I agreed to let her email me when she knew. I am now lost on what to do. I’ve been thinking about her and this meeting nonstop, it has kept me up at night and woken me up in the morning. I both want to hold her in my arms forever and never see her again, because I am scared of getting over her, and knowing she is getting over me. I'm completely unsure of what to expect from this meeting, or what could be gained from it. At first, I thought it would have been nice to end things on a good note. While at times, delusional thoughts of getting back together have crept in my head, I know that there is no hope of reconciliation. That thought is still difficult to accept. I am afraid she will say hurtful things and blame me. I am afraid she will show me how much better off she is without me. I am also afraid she will try to get me to believe the break up was mutual (I do not feel that way), to justify her guilt (if she has any). As I care for her a great deal, and genuinely care for her happiness, I thought about giving her that satisfaction, even if it means she will never respect me. While I am used to sharing my true feelings with her, I feel like I can no longer do that, because I will feel weak, and they will not make her change her mind, and I do not want her to think I am saying nice things to try to manipulate her into taking me back. Seeing her will surely stir up feelings, since this is still very new to me, and I have not seen her in a long time. I have considered skipping this meeting, but I do not want her to think I am flaking or breaking a promise. What do you guys recommend? I briefly thought about writing a letter to explain my thoughts to her, but acknowledging that I did not want us to get back together. I have decided against this. If anything is unclear, feel free to ask. I am hurting a great deal from this, despite efforts to move on with my life. Thanks for your response and thoughts. Edited October 19, 2011 by Mach Defy Link to post Share on other sites
TheDovic Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Hey dude, Sorry to hear about this, it really sucks! OK, first things first, the letter explaining your feelings. I wrote one of these when my fiancee broke up with me and was going to give it to her but at the last minute stopped myself. I read it the other day (3 months on) and cannot believe the relief I felt for not sending it as it was pathetic and weak, borne out of emotion and desperation. My point is this, NO good will come out of sending her this letter OR telling her how crushed you are. BUT two bad things could come from doing either: 1) You will lose your dignity, and whilst this may not be important to you now, it will gradually eat away at you in the upcoming weeks and months because you have looked like such a wuss. You will realise how much she pitied you for acting like this, and that will hurt your pride because you are a MAN, (so act like one). This will be especially difficult to deal with when you hit the anger stage of grieving. 2) Neediness and desperation are the opposite of attraction. If you act like a wuss she will lose attraction for you even further. I believe most breakups occur because in some way the dumper has lost attraction (be that emotional or physical), so if you ever want them back you can't allow this attraction to be reduced even further. You have to somehow show you're not as affected as you really are by the breakup (this can be achieved by not seeing her or by being a good actor). Would James Bond be emotional? Does he ever have problems with women? (I know he's not real, but he's modelled on the "perfect" man, so following his lead won't hurt) So should you see her? I don't think so, but if you decide you're going to then cut out the wussy emotional crap (trust me I know how tough this is) and keep it short. Don't accept being just friends and don't accept it if she says it was a mutual decision. PS, DON'T get angry as any overbearing emotion will only help her justify to herself she's made the right decision in leaving you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mach Defy Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Hey TheDovic, thanks a lot for your speedy reply. These are very close to my thoughts, I was emotional when I considered the letter, but definitely have decided against this. It would definitely reek of desperation, even though that is not my intent. I am currently leaning towards seeing her, but I will not get emotional, and I will not reminisce and talk about the good times, and hope we can still be friends etc. etc. I have no intentions of being friends, and I also think that too much damage has been done to re-conciliate. I have made it clear that we will not talk or see each other again after this (although, this is hard since we met through mutual friends and still have the same mutual friends). I also plan on not getting angry. At the same time, will it be wrong for me to fake being happy (which I'm not, but I could at least pretend to some level?) Part of me does feel like I am being slightly mean by doing this to her, since part of me wishes she could move on for her own good. I realize this is not "manly," but my love is unconditional. Should I not feel this way? Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Still posting manly and wussy crap. What you do not understand is that manly and wussy crap is only for dating insecure women. Those type of women want an cocky ******* to be around. It has nothing to do with manly or wussy. It has to do with mindsets. I can tell you from a pua stand point that it does not work. I dated the worst of the worst. TheDovic... I want you to get this book http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1319069288&sr=8-1 This is an amazing book. If you want to lift yourself out of dating insecure girls/idiots, stop listening to David Deangelo. Put some effort into it. When you read it, you will change your view on your life entirely. it doesnt have 1200+ ratings for no reason. Show me a David D book that has that many ratings! @Mach... Theres no point in seeing her. The relationship is over. Like you said it will only relieve her guilt. Don't give her anything. You do not owe her anything. Lock down NC and focus on you now Link to post Share on other sites
TheDovic Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 TheDovic... I want you to get this book Cheers Wils, Appreciate the help dude! Link to post Share on other sites
TheDovic Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 my love is unconditional. Should I not feel this way? Of course you should feel this way Mach, it's what you do with it that's important. I'm not saying be a robot, it's just every bit of advice I've read regarding breaking up points towards not being overly emotional in the presense of your ex (if you want her back). Regardless of whether or not being manly or wussy is correct or incorrect, when it comes to breakups acting overly emotional tends to push the dumper further away whilst acting calm and collected tends to draw them closer. Don't believe me? Then spend some time looking at the posts on this site! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mach Defy Posted October 20, 2011 Author Share Posted October 20, 2011 @Mach... Theres no point in seeing her. The relationship is over. Like you said it will only relieve her guilt. Don't give her anything. You do not owe her anything. Lock down NC and focus on you now Thanks. Just to be clear, I should completely ignore her, rather than respond saying I'd rather not talk anymore. Correct? Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Yup, just focus on you! and thats it Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 (edited) I don't typically promote the vanish without a tell off but go for it. Don't give in anytime soon. Bitches be tripping. I'm too tired to say anything more eloquent and compassionate. She's likely got her own **** going on right now and is justifying things with emotional rationalization or simply may not love you or whatever. She's not a monster just a young and dumb kid chasing Hollywood dreams. Peace. Edited October 20, 2011 by EgoJoe Read first part wrong, edited for accuracy. Link to post Share on other sites
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