I couldn't keep from telling her off

[stunned8165]

My original thread was this link. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302201/ And I know Gee girl said leave it alone. But I had to get it off my chest. And what I wrote to her is really how I feel. What can I say?.. I was betrayed, cheated on and lied to. Maybe I should have not sent this e mail to her but it made me feel better..

 

What I wrote is below

 

You know. I tried. What can I say.. Enough is enough. But you insist on ignoring me like I was one of your insane exes. I tried to reach out to you in a playful way hoping you would wake up but obviously you aren't........ But I had an epiphany last night after how I felt yesterday. And you probably didn't even read my e mail from yesterday and deleted it but that doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter if you read this either.. But .....If you obviously don't care about me, why should I care about you. I wish you were as capable of being as loyal to me and the family we had as I was to you and the kids... But It's time to look after my own heart now... And this is different from the other times I thought I felt like this.

 

And what I'm about to say isn't to be mean or hurtful. I promise. And you know I keep my promises.. I'm just stating facts......I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. And you need to read all of it because of some things I found out about a certain someone I just want you to be aware of... I never really mentioned him because he didn't matter. He's a punk. Believe me or don't believe me. I don't care at this point.

 

First off.... It's so sad to see how you can just treat me this way after all I have done for you and the kids. I never did anything to deserve this and you know it Barbara... Like I was some kind of evil, mean person, or the one that cheated. Yes, I know what you did. And everyone knows how you lied to them including your own friends and I'm sure your Mom too. And you lied to the kids. Like when he was in the kitchen and you were telling them it was me they saw. That wasn't very nice.

 

And you never even called to say hello, see how I was doing, let me talk to the kids.... nothing........I gave you and the kids almost 3 years of my life and have done so much for you all including your Mom AND Trixie... And this is how you treat me?........ But you know, I'm not mad at you because you know not what you do.

 

See first of all, I know how he played with your emotions after seeing that you are a sensitive girl. That shows his lack of character and integrity. First for screwing around with any of his employees to begin with. (and don't think you will be the last one). Second, he knew you have two kids from two different fathers, no dads, knew I was their dad for almost 3 years and they loved me, you had a ring on your finger, lived together as a family and had a nice history, and he still played you and flirted like all the others. He had no regard for the stability of those kids and you as an employee or individual. But he's a desperate man.... You fell for it. He knew you were having a rough time at home with the kids and your self esteem, and knew HOW to play you. It was a game to him. Game over now. Get my drift?. Oh, it's coming...

 

But what's even sadder, is YOUR blindness of seeing his lack of character by doing that in the first place. Maybe these are the types of people you only know and are used to or attracted to. Like that punk with the old Chevy, sideways hat and dealing drugs you allowed into your life..... That too is really sad.. I also know what he did when you weren't around with two other girls that worked there flirting with them and asking them out , and what he would say about you when they questioned his motives with you because they noticed his actions towards you when you WERE around . Like," I just make her think I like her so she keeps busting her ass here". And no, I'm not talking about Fran. And your a fool if you believe he never had a relationship with Fran. No I never saw her or talked to her. But you would be surprised how people and WHO has come forward with information ( a couple of weekends ago. It's such a small world man ) when they know someone was done really wrong for being a good person and hurting and because they see you made yet another bad decision in your life.... These are their thoughts Barbara. Like what happens when you realize he's an *******, or he cheats on you or does something because he will, now your trapped, because if you leave him, he will just push you out in the street like the others and then no job. Good move babe.

 

He should be proud because you are a major step up from the hoes he is used too. ... Sorry about his luck with another certain waitress that worked there too trying to get in her pants when you weren't around but she was very receptive to me..VERY VERY!. And said the same thing about what he would say about you.. You discount one person, but two different people?...... Like I said, small world.......See, I should have kicked his ass after his mistletoe comment around Christmas including his little picture around Halloween which you always kept in your phone. And it was since Halloween that he became your best friend instead of me and I felt that change as well as your mom too. Remember?. Halloween night after the party we went to you changed. You stopped flirting with me and began with him. He became your best friend and I no longer was. But I hung in there and TRUSTED YOU.. I tried to reach you and communicate... But you weren't strong enough or able. I thought you were.... But you WEREN'T able to handle the stability and normalcy. That dump is where you felt more comfortable with drama.... But I'm glad I didn't go kick his ass. That would have just lowered myself to his level. In fact, I still wanted to kick his ass if I saw him up till last night. But now I realize, it's just not worthed. Niether one of you two are except for the kids. And if he hurts them in anyway, he's a dead man. See.. I'm above that. I HAVE character and integrity. Because I don't cheat, lie or play people. The guilty accuse Barbara. Like when you used to accuse me of flirting on facebook. I never did anything inappropriate. Never ever ever.. I loved YOU and the babies with all my heart. I came home to you every night and always looked forward to it.. But your flirting with him back and forth gave you a guilty conscious. Look at how confused and angry you were at yourself during this whole thing and when you were at home. You hated yourself because you couldn't control your confused emotions. . And you still are. It shows.... And I know you feel you made another bad choice by leaving. .... . I guess because I was part of your home life where you stressed out with the kids for not listening to you and you took it out on me too. But we will get to that here in a bit.

 

.

But even after all this **** , I swallowed my pride, took part of the blame for the sake of our relationship and kept my arms wide open for you and the kids. But I cannot accept you making excuses for what you have done anymore or you treating me like a criminal or tolerate your transference of blame to suppress your guilt.. And I won't. Including the bull **** that I didn't trust you. You gave me reason in the end to be suspicious. My instincts were correct. You used that as an excuse to leave and see what it would be like with him. So that excuse is out the window Barbara. I'm sorry.. And yes, I was unhappy because I was no longer your best friend. He was along with that seedy little **** hole on 16st (the name of the place). That's where you felt more accepted because the kids weren't there giving you a hard time. That was your home and home was work. You could have got a part time job and went to school or just part time and spent time with the kids after school. I would have worked two jobs to make ends meet......They were in school all day and at night they just wanted your attention. That's why they acted in such a way. I was the one who gave them attention and positive reinforcement and played with them outside or where ever, worked with Kady and her letters and on the weekends while you slept in, sat with them at the counter and asked about school while you sooshed us so you can watch TMZ. . All you did was come home go through two bags of weed a week and talk about work to me (until I got tired of it), then on the phone to your Mom and that Annie who likes to medal in other peoples business. She should worry about what her own man does. You made it hard on every one. Walking around yelling " I hate my life".. That was nice. The only love being passed around the house was between the kids and I and Trixie. Hell, even Trixie clung to me more than you because you were un reachable and angry all the time. There was very little affection from you towards the kids and our home. And none towards me from you.

 

.I never wanted you to leave. I never even had that thought in my head of any of us going anywhere. I would have never abandoned you and the kids like you did me. I made you that promise just like you promised me when I said I was afraid you wouldn't be able to handle the normalcy. And you couldn't. You just regressed back to your party days working there... I would have done what it takes to make things right including counseling which I'm sorry to say, you need. You obviously have deep seated issues honey. What's even sadder is seeing how you can live with yourself after what you did, to me, the kids AND yourself. You took away so much from all of us including extended family from the kids... Unfortunately, Karma has a nasty bite. I don't wish this upon you of coarse , but it does and it will bite you.. I tried to reach out to you, show you my sincerity and how much I care, in a nice playful way, but I can't anymore. Not with you treating me like this. You almost killed me with what you did to me and the kids. You weren't around to see my hurt, see me cry, see me stressed out and angry. But that's all passing now and especcially after last nights epiphany. I don't know what came over me last night but something heavy did. Maybe the grieving and anger has come to end and logic is taking over. Who knows but it was heavy.

 

But I do forgive you for what you have done . I have to for my own self in order to move on. I can't hold a grudge for someone that knows not what she does. I have decided to take my Dad ring off and put it away as of today and replaced it with my Super man ring which I looked in your eyes while sitting on the couch and proposed to you with. Remember? You wanted reassurance and I gave it to you. I wore my Dad ring faithfully every day and every where after you gave it to me. Taking it off has nothing to do with the kids because you know I love them very much, but my commitment to my family because you stripped us all of that and left me with nothing to commit to.. I can only commit to myself now.

 

You can come back at me all you want about how wonderful he is, how wrong I was, how right you THINK you are and all that. But I really don't care anymore. I can't and I won't allow it. And you can convince yourself of what you wish if that's what makes you feel better. But there will come a day you'll regret throwing away what we had. Trust me. I have seen it before.

 

Tell my little girl that John WILL soon have a new girlfriend very soon as you said she hopes for... I just need to pick one. I don't need to look for one, believe me of that, but pick just one. You slammed the door in my face and many others opened up. I just have to walk through them now. I have much to offer to someone who appreciates it....

 

I miss and love those babies very very much and always will. And yes, I miss you very much too. But I miss who I THOUGHT you were. ...... There is going to come a day where you will wish I was there for you. It's so true what they say about the truth eventually coming out and then the person not being truthful will find themselves standing alone. You may not be yet but......... you will. Just like where and when I found you.

 

They say if she's silly enough to walk away, be smart enough to let her go. I have to take that advise for my own sake now. I even went as far as removing all our pictures together (except a few of the babies) from my computer. That's another way I knew I was done. And remember, YOU caused this, not me...... All I can do is just pray for you and the kids. I wish you two and the kids the best. I really do with all my heart.

 

FYI.. I will not read any replies so don't waste your time. Like I said, I won't listen to anymore crap. I won't allow it. I deserve better. I have a brand new attitude now girl.

 

I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I really am but... You asked for this, not me or the kids.

 

Love Johnny

[Mack05]

He should be proud because you are a major step up from the hoes he is used too

I rarely agree to sending letters like this. I remember doing the same thing with my ex. You not what I realised Johnny? She will never think the way I think, she doesn't care about my pain or will never understand my point of view no matter what is in the letter. The letter in the end was totally pointless and while you may feel better now, you won't in the longrun.

 

When I wrote her that letter my self esteem was in the gutter. Sending your ex a letter like this and pointing out the things she did wrong is pointless. She has 2 different kids with two different dads. She cheated on you with a seedy little man. Do you think she even remotely cares about your feelings or opinions?

 

As for the quote above that is not true. She is not a major step up. Just the same hoe as he is used to. Your are just too blinded by love to see it. Johnny your self esteem must be low to be with a woman like this (something is clearly a miss). Water seeks it's own level, please remember that. Now it's time to figure out why you choose such a woman. I'm sorry to be harsh but no emotionally healthy man would go near her with a barge pole. There are more red flags then you would see on a beach. For whatever reasons (and you need to be honest with yourself here) you choose to ignore them. It's time to focus on you mate. I would recommend therapy. Losing 2 kids from your life is a massive loss. Therapy will help you piece it together. It turned my life around. I hope it can do the same for you. Now right now is the time to focus on you...

 

I hope Wilson reads your letter and that this convinces him NOT to break NC..

[wilsonx]

LOL i wrote a letter like this too the day after i caught her in a bar making out with that trailer trash piece of crap...

 

but that was 5 months ago.

 

I still have that curiosity to send something but Im not going to. I keep posting here so that I wont. One of my friends told me that she was proud of me how much I have come out of the dumps and how I am much better now then I was 5 months ago, she even reminded me that I have done everything right... except for that letter i sent her 5 months ago. I laughed at it

[geegirl]

Well, you sent it and that's the end of it. Whether she reads it or not is one thing. Whether it sinks in her head, we will never know. Most likely, not.

 

Focus on you Johnny. Your self-esteem is in the tank. After reading that and seeing all that you went through and allowed to happen in your life, you clearly had no boundaries and you let her walk all over you. Telling her kids infront of you that it was you they saw instead of some other man and you let that slide? That made me gasp.

 

Please seek therapy because you are experiencing a huge loss and I hope it also helps with regaining and rebuilding yourself.

[MilfinBerle]

Writing letters like that can be therapeutic.

 

However, a far more therapeutic use of your time would be to find some dumb blonde bimbo with gigantic hooters and bang her like a screen door in a hurricane.

[sadprincess]

hey, i'm an angry dumpee too. i been sending hateful texts/emails almost everyday. it makes me feel better. so lash it out. if you know that its completely over, whether you take the breakup well or horrible, if its over...its over....so why not say whats ALL on your mind. i know my ex is done with me...i said a lot of mean, cruel hurtful things...to get back at him for hurting me. and he'd be crazy to take me back for what i've said. so for sure there no coming back for me, i know we' re done for good. so i continued to send hateful texts....i'd tell i hate him, i wish i never met him, etc...etc. its off my chest.

 

i'm done though. i think i hurt him enough.

 

but if you think this relationship is salvage-able...then becareful on what other things you want to say............you may really mess it up like i did.

[stunned8165]

I forget to mention to you all that she did reply the following Monday. Sent it on a Thursday (two weeks ago)and haven't sent anything since then and I feel a whole lot better. The only thing I have done is send the kids a Halloween card. Nothing to her, just to the kids. No reason to take it out on them. After all I was their dad. But as far as her reply?.. I deleted it. Why read it. Ya know? I look at it as hitting a nerve.. Maybe not?.. But in my eyes, something I said must have hit a nerve or she would have never replied. I'll never know what that reply was and I'm good with that!

[geegirl]

Good or you for deleting and not letting it consume you. I hope you have the closure you need. Know that the letter probably shut the door for good.I hope that now makes way for you to completely let go and move on.

[stunned8165]

Good or you for deleting and not letting it consume you. I hope you have the closure you need. Know that the letter probably shut the door for good.I hope that now makes way for you to completely let go and move on.

 

 

Closure?.. Not really. I'll never have closure I don't think. But I can't let it matter at this point.I'm trying to move forward. Very hard too. But the kids still have a grip on my heart. Only if you knew G Only if you knew the faces I had to look at from the two kids when she was dragging them away from their "dad".. I'll never forget those face and how the little girl looked at me and said she doesn't want to go live there, that she wants to live here with me and her brother. ......... But what would the sense be in reading her reply? None as far as I'm concerned. All it would probably be is more lies and bull crap. Right?..

[geegirl]

I know Stunned. When I was born, I lived with my grandmother till I was about 8, and when my father decided to take me from her, I saw my grandmother's face and the hurt and tears and I remember my hurt and pain of never wanting to live with my parents. I remember crying and screaming because I didn't want to be taken away from her. I may not have felt the hurt my grandmother felt but I know how painful it was for both of us. So I know you are crushed. I hope that when she is older she remembers you and comes for you. It is unfortunate that there is nothing you can do to be in their lives. I am sure they will remember you as their father and keep you in their loving thoughts.

 

I don't believe you can get anything of value from her response. Wilsonx said something about expecting a liar to tell the truth, and you're right, she won't be telling you anything that is of the truth. She will say what will make her look good and you bad. It's good that you deleted. Best to kill that fire once and for all.

 

 

Closure?.. Not really. I'll never have closure I don't think. But I can't let it matter at this point.I'm trying to move forward. Very hard too. But the kids still have a grip on my heart. Only if you knew G Only if you knew the faces I had to look at from the two kids when she was dragging them away from their "dad".. I'll never forget those face and how the little girl looked at me and said she doesn't want to go live there, that she wants to live here with me and her brother. ......... But what would the sense be in reading her reply? None as far as I'm concerned. All it would probably be is more lies and bull crap. Right?..