SoCal_Guy Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 My story is long and somewhat dramatic, but the woman means a lot to me. Even though we're in very LC and she's done some bad things to me with some decisions she's made, I still care about her and want her to be happy in life. Right now she's not at all, and that worries me. Why? Here's a link to my story if you have a few hours to read up - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t275744/ If not, the abridged version is this woman has left me in the past for another guy twice but has come running back to me. And I've taken her back, which has caused me more heartache than I ever realized I could take. I'm better now, but I still miss her. Our time apart has made me realize I don't just miss companionship (I actually am fine being single). I miss her and I really care about her. But I am fine - I've been to therapy and my therapist agrees. I'm on the road to recovery. Actually, I may be almost to the end. Last night, I received this email from her and I haven't responded yet. I wanted to share it with LS in order to get some unbiased opinions on if I should respond and how, or if I should just leave it alone. I want the truth - none of you know me personally, so just be direct with me on what you would do if you were in my shoes. "I am a mess (my name), but this song makes me happy although some say it has a different meaning. My life does not make sense right now and I wonder why I made the decisions I made. I don't know why it got like this, but it will make sense. I still cry and miss you. I need to be strong though and get through this. You promised me. Next time we just can't date. Please don't over analyze or start thinking. I am healing slowly but I still take a few steps back. I hate myself sometimes and what I have done. I am sorry (my name). It will make sense someday. This will be my song for you when I leave to (temporary move out of state). It scares me (my name) if I never see you again and I know that means something.... Check out this video on YouTube: If that video link doesn't work, it's a video of the Snow Patrol song "Run" - one of our favorite bands and songs. One small point to make ... when she says we "just can't date" she means that we are beyond the dating stage. Nothing deeper to read into that. It's just something we've said and agreed upon in the past. I honestly still care about her and she knows that, and she's sent me much more personal notes than this in the last few months. However, this one really caught my attention, even though there really isn't anything deep in it. It's almost like a sign from above telling me that I need to at least respond and tell her something simple like "Life is all about choices and no one is perfect. No matter what choices you make, take care of yourself first and never hate yourself. I'll never hate you." I don't want to ignore it, but I also don't want to over think. homebrew? Graceful? You two have been the most influential to me in all of this. If you see this, I'd be very interested in your thoughts. You two always bring me back down to earth.
carhill Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Homebrew is on involuntary 'vacation'. I read the linked thread but not in great detail. The tone of her e-mail is all about her, IMO. Continue NC.
TheDovic Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Unfortunately Homebrew's gone dude, but I'll give my opinion. For me there are two key points in this email. Initially she said "next time we can't just date!" This would seem to suggest she hopes you will get back together. HOWEVER I find this statement very concerning. i.e. why can't you be together now? Why does she have to wait until the future to make this choice? I'm sorry to say it dude, but it appears to me she's hurting at present and wants to know you'll be there in case she needs you when it suits her. If you acknowledge this email she'll get the comfort of knowing you're there, and she can go about living her own life (possibly searching for someone else) in the knowledge she has a backup! The second important statement is "please don't overanalyse and start thinking!" In my opinion this means "I'm dangling a carrot for you, BUT don't try to bite it because I'm just going to pull it away if you do." In plain English this means she wants to know you are available for her, but she doesn't want you right now. Again it is on HER terms!!! She has thrown you a breadcrumb here dude because she is confused, but if you end this confusion by replying it could ease her mind and let her do her own thing again. She is being very selfish here! On the other hand if you don't reply I believe you stand a much better chance of her confusion growing. In this instance your value (and attractiveness) will grow and it might possibly make her realise you're worth fighting for NOW as opposed to being her comfort blanket! Remember dude, everything you do raises or decreases your attractiveness in her eyes. If you give in and act like a wuss your attractiveness will lessen, but if you be your own man and don't bite your attractiveness will increase drastically!!! Women want a real man, not some wuss she can have wherever, whenever she wants! Email her back if you want, but don't get overly emotional or promise her anything... or else she's never coming back!
2sunny Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 it's all about her - and she's appears to be in a very BIG negative energy path. do not respond. didn't you notice she never ONCE asked "how are you doing?" "i hope your life is going well" - she's just looking for a place to dump her negative energy... don't step to her dark side of the street...she's offered you less than nothing - yet you feel a need to respond... WHY? why aren't YOU requiring that any woman bring joy, love and a generous spirit to your life? never settle!
Author SoCal_Guy Posted October 11, 2011 Author Posted October 11, 2011 Thanks for the responses so far. It seems to be 3-0 in favor of not responding. I will definitely not reply yet. I should clarify that she does ask how I am doing from time to time. I do respond, because it doesn't hurt me to and I am not into the ignoring thing or playing games. I probably should give a bit more background on what she is going through right now. I'll keep it short. She has a crazy ex who cheated on her last winter (one of the times she came running back to me). He will not leave her alone. He has pressured her to no end and he is not mentally stable. He's threatened to pull a gun on me twice. He's threatened suicide if she won't be with him. Not two weeks ago, she contacted me to say that she wanted to be with me but he wouldn't let her go. They aren't even together! I really didn't have much to say other than I hoped she was ok and that if she felt in any danger to call the police or her family. It's really ridiculous that she keeps this guy in her life, but she has to realize on her own the damage he's causing. Maybe she is beginning that phase? She has changed as a person in the last few months and I can tell even in LC that she is an unhappy person. I believe he is the root cause. That makes me sad, despite all the hurt she caused me. I honestly wish her the best and think she can be the amazing woman she was before if this guy would leave her alone. It's a pretty simple solution to her problems in my eyes, but how many times can I tell her this guy needs to be COMPLETELY out of her life for her to heal? It's not my problem anymore, so I am trying my best to not make it mine.
TheDovic Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 You CAN'T tell her!!! Listen, I know this doesn't make logical sense, but the more you tell a woman not to be with another guy the more you push her towards him. I don't know why it happens but I've experienced it and I've seen it a lot since being on this site. This guy is crazy though, plus what he's doing is killing any attraction she might have for him, because the opposite of attraction is neediness and desperation. Trust me, this guy is majorly sabotaging himself, and she will eventually have enough!!! What you need to be is the confident fun guy who isn't overly emotional and who doesn't add to the stress in her life. Basically the opposite of this other douche, because when he's acting crazy and she sees you being cool, you're gonna look pretty sweet to her! If on the other hand he's acting crazy and you're pressuring her or acting emotional, she's going to find guy #3 who's fun and doesn't make her life stressful.
Graceful Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Graceful? You two have been the most influential to me in all of this. If you see this, I'd be very interested in your thoughts. You two always bring me back down to earth. Do you really want me to respond? Really? You don't already know what I'm going to say?? Seriously, dude. Nothing has changed. And I'm not going to repeat myself AGAIN and give advice that you are not going to take. Sorry to see that you're still on an emotional treadmill getting nowhere, as that's not fun to see, but you're the one who refuses to get off, so there isn't much that I, or anyone else, can do for you. Take care.
wilsonx Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) Socal Guy, you have to end that man. Its hard and impossible, you and I were dating the same type of toxic person. You have to change LC to NC or you are never going to heal or get over her. Its extremely hard and trust me I know what you are going through. My ex stalked me online and sent me 5 fake pictures of another girl on an infamous hookup site. 4 months NC and she throws a wrench into my healing just like your ex did too. They are selfish people. All my friends tell me if I go back to her they will defriend me. Sciencegal posted in my latest thread that I mistake the toxicity of my last relationship as love. I think you do to. I did not accept this until I learned about my parents relationship a week later and how it was just as toxic as my relationship with my ex. You have to let go. You need to be the bigger and better person and work on your own confidence and self esteem. You have to no longer fear rejection. Once you are able to do this, letting go is much easier, you can do better then her. You have to stop being the knight in shining armor and move forward and save your own happiness and enjoyment of your own life. Run away from toxic people 2sunny: That was a great response, I never even noticed that =) Edited October 12, 2011 by wilsonx
MilfinBerle Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Folie_%C3%A0_deux See the above link. She is mentally ill and by allowing yourself to be drawn in time and time again so are you, or will soon become so.
wilsonx Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I dont agree with the above link. She's probably toxic and came from a bad background but that's reading too much into it. She could very well have mental issues. I read your first post socal guy and graceful hit the nail on the head on your very first post. All those red flags. I dont agree with her being your soul mate either. One of the things I have learned is if you fall for some one that quickly and hit it off extremely quick, its almost "intoxicating" to where you think they are your soul mate. This is why I use the word toxic because its true. I did the same thing. My ex left me for a guy 13 years older then her and said "I cant believe he's that old, I just cant let it go" Not only was a stab in the heart, it shows she has no strong personal boundary to say its ok. Like I said above, you have to cut that string and forget about her. Its the hardest thing in the world to do but you have to.
EgoJoe Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I agree with Wilson. I see deflected personal accountability in that email. She's making excuses, not providing reasons or accepting fault beyond "I don't know why I did this." which is BS and you deserve better. If she wants you back she's going to have to fix herself completely. Respond, "I'm not your friend. Perhaps you should seek help. Contact me when things are good and I might be willing to speak then." Don't hold your breath for the contact.
Author SoCal_Guy Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 I'm actually ok and happy with myself these days. I'm a LONG way (in the right direction) from where I was 4-6 months ago and part of that is the help I received on LS and another part of that is from staying away from here (so I didn't wallow in the situation). Another part was from therapy and staying busy with work and friends. The last part was self-reallization and finding the strength to let go ... but I'm not there yet. I have my faults and one of them is not being able to fully let go of this woman. Our good memories are still to strong for me to completely shut it off, but I know that day is coming soon. Yes, that little sliver of hope of giving us another try when she's healed still exists, much to the chagrin of Graceful I'm not the type of person who can just go cold turkey with the flip of a switch. That's not how I am programmed. That would set me back at this point. I don't mind the occasional contact, but you all are right in that when she sends me messages like this one it sets me back, as well. I know where I need to end up. I'm not there yet, but I'm heading in the right direction. But I digress ... the point of this thread was to get unbiased support that not replying to this or any of the other breadcrumbs — which is what I have been doing for the past few months when they are dropped — is what I should do. It was an honest weak moment for me but I am so glad I did the right thing and did NOT give in to my emotions.
Author SoCal_Guy Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 And to speak to her mental health at this point ... she was not like this before this loser gained mind control over her. He has changed her, like I said above. He's ruined her and it makes me sad. I am allowed to care for her in my eye, but I know I can't let that stand in my own way of moving on. I used to think I could fix her, but I was wrong. I've learned I can't be her therapist and her boyfriend. Right now, I'm neither and that's the best situation for me. And I guess I answered my own question on whether I should respond!
wilsonx Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) I used to think I could fix her, but I was wrong. He didn't ruin her, she has her own free will to do with as she pleases. If she chooses not to thats her own fault for a lack of personal boundaries. What I quoted is one of the best life lessons you should learn. You can not change anyone. Don't ever think you can. If you are in a relationship and someone is trying to change you, its not going to work. People need to learn to accept people for who they are. Edited October 12, 2011 by wilsonx
Graceful Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Yes, that little sliver of hope of giving us another try when she's healed still exists, much to the chagrin of Graceful No, it is to your chagrin. I don't think you know the meaning of the word. It's your life, not mine, and to insinuate that I am invested is all in your head, far from reality. Please don't flatter yourself. You are delusional if you think anything you do phases me. It's to my chagrin that you hold out hope? Nothing could be further from the truth, and is quite frankly, laughable. So let me set the record straight. It's to *your* chagrin that I have no investment in your behavior and removed you from my radar screen a long time ago. That's more accurate.
EgoJoe Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Daaaaamn Graceful. I think he was trying to be funny.
wilsonx Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Definitely in the top 5 ownages of this forum. From all people i never thought it would be graceful
Graceful Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 Definitely in the top 5 ownages of this forum. From all people i never thought it would be graceful Okay, Wilson and EJ. Are you sayin "GOTCHA" ? It was late at night, maybe my humor button had turned off. And thanks for the props, Wilson. As for my sense of humor, it's usually pretty keen. The OP doesn't listen, and never has. Sad in my book, so whatever. If I missed the mark here, what can I say? The online word just isn't always obvious. My bad. Thanks.
Author SoCal_Guy Posted October 12, 2011 Author Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) I was trying to be funny. Obviously, Graceful did not catch that. I'll pretend that Graceful didn't really mean what she said. In the past, she has been one of the most comforting yet straightforward posters on here. On this thread, she has been different. Maybe she's more invested in my story than she wants to believe? Maybe she's just giving me some tough love? I don't know, but I won't take it personally. Maybe my biggest mistake was coming back on here for advice. I'd been away for a few months, mostly because coming on here and reading the same stories over and over actually was preventing me from moving on. That's no fault to LS, because I think this is an awesome forum and there are some caring people on here. Thanks to all who have confirmed what I believed about the email - that I should not reply. I haven't and I won't, and I'll probably receive soon a text or email from her asking if I got her email. I'm really doing fine these days. Like I said before, some people CANNOT just go straight into NC. It's not reality. We're not all the same and didn't someone on here say you can't try to change people? I think people can influence other people (which is what has happened to my ex), but deep down no one person can truly change another. It doesn't work and THAT is the biggest lesson I have learned in this experience. Edited October 12, 2011 by SoCal_Guy
EgoJoe Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I actually suggested replying! But I have this thing with confrontation...I like it. Alot. So much so that I have to not exercise it right now myself. But, setting a firm boundary isn't necessarily confrontation.
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