7.5 years, GIGS? Came Back Once already?

October 7, 2011

Well hello, Decided i should join the forum. Been reading the last few days and See if you guys can help me and also help out where I can

So a little insight, I met my girlfriend when I was 17, she was 16.(high school sweet hearts) We both "fell" for each other pretty quick started dating after just 2 weeks of hanging out(never met before this) and dated then for about 7.5 years.(post break up about 4 months now) Like any relationship up/downs but pretty healthy over all, both happy (I thought) but over all good relationship, Go on dates every week or two, go on trips with friends/our self's, go out with friends, have just chill cuddle nights etc. A pretty healthy and fun relationship that any one would hope for.

So we both went to college, both stayed local, but at different schools and had different friends from college (but both stayed around for each other pretty much) I graduated a year before her, so I have been working for a year already, she just graduated, which is around when all the "problems" started

She started acting funny etc. and said she was stressed about school and stuff, then one night we got into a fight about something on Facebook, about how she did not have couple pic and all the other couples did etc., it started as a joke nothing surries, I was just playing around with her(did not really care ether way) but turned into something surries becasuse at this time (I did not know yet read on a little) that she was having independence issues so we fought for a little and she then said she wanted to go on a break. Just a couple days for herself to gather her thoughts, this went on for about 3 weeks, did not see each other, talk etc, then one day she asked if I could come over after work so we can talk. She explained she was just really nervous about school and how she was graduating and that she loves me and wants to be with me, she wants to move out soon, get our own place, grow up etc. Kind of stop being a kid and be a grown up.

Which is where the real curve ball comes in, it was good for about 4 weeks and then She started acting a little different here and there again, sex life went down, wanting to hang out less, hang out with friends more, just over all not as happy, etc. So after a few months of this behavior I questioned her about what was going on. This is where all the fun really started , So i asked her about it, me thinking it was due to stress about graduating or something with all the finals etc. coming up. Which was part of it but the not the main part of it. She said she wanted her Independence that she has been with me so long before she can marry/move out with me. she has to do this on her own first before she can do it with me. Which really threw a curve ball to me because just a few months before she was talking about moving into together etc. How I made her happy etc.

At first i was a little mad, because our plan the hole time was to move out together, etc, etc the story book stuff but i then realized okay, if you want to move out by yourself okay that's fine with me for now, whatever not that big of deal, that part I could deal with for now, the part i could not deal with was her not being able to tell me if she ever wanted to move in with me or marry me and over all just be happy with me, which at this time she could not tell me. To me at this point(4 months ago) i could not deal with that, being with someone 7.5 years and them not knowing what they wanted for the future really made me mad and felt like i was not making her happy at all anymore. Which is a horrible horrible feeling.

I then found this forum, which has helped a lot, and ran across the GIGS threads and a lot of it made since to me but a lot of it did not.

In my story, I was the one that suggest the final break up/she finished it if that make since, It was pretty mutale i guess you can say, I did not want to break up but could not be with someone who does not know what she wants or if i make her happy anymore, so a little different than most gigs story's. So we decided to end it, I did not want to not at all, but I knew it was not working the way it was. I wanted to keep going out with her moving out but not knowing future etc was what really started bugging so it was the tipping point. But the first break up/break was all her and she wanted instated contact again.

When we finally decide to call it quits, she said she still loved me very much and she was doing this for "us" so there could possibly be another us in the future, which at the time just pissed me off more, and in return i did the no contact rule without even knowing what it was at that time, I did not talk to her for about 2 months, sent one drunken texts a few weeks in but other than that no contact, and I did apologize In the morning about the drunken texts… But I will admit that night did help get out a lot of anger/stress for me :/ haha

We have seen each other a few times in person, all 10-15 minute convos laughing, talking etc.Just catching up, about her moving out etc.

We have had a couple ruff texts i guess you can say where we were both letting out a little steam that she was mad i did not text her about something not really regarding me but i was involved(something about a party a friend was having) she got mad because a friend asked not me, she just said "you know you can still talk to me etc" and i kind of went off a little saying that i did not really want to and was being a little mean in the things i was saying(this was before i found this web site and was still pretty angry) but since i found this web site has defiantly gave me a little more of calm edge i guess you can say.

Since then we have talked 2-3 times via text just some short simple stuff, one about her moving "i said hope it’s what you are looking for and even offered to help" other was just saying something about some stuff she left and other was just a “hey”.

So I have a few questions. I have talked to her friends/mom (I know probably not the best but, yea done and done lol) According to them its not about other guys/has no interest in them (has not even kissed another guy) this is all hesr say but i believe them she is not really that type of girl(which is one of the reasons I am so hung up, all the girls now a days it seems like they are all sluts ) sorry. But one of the other reasons we did break up was I kind of thought it was about other guys at first, from a few different times I did not totally like her actions, but in Hein site I realize I kind of over reacted if it happened 2 years ago it would have not bothered me so much to keep questioning it but it happened when we were already having the problems with moving out etc. it just put that thought in my mind.

So i know gigs is usally about other guys or maybe that just what is see.

She has told a few of my friends etc that she still loves me/misses me

But she needs to do this for herself before she can work on fixing us. Which before i read the stuff about gigs, really pissed me off, now im starting to get it but still not the happiest about it i guess you can say.

Is this gigs? Something similar?

So cliffs

- Gf/bf 7.5 years met in HS

-Healthy/good relationship

-started have problems after graduating and getting ready for real world

-broke up for 3 weeks, she came back said she wanted to move in etc start a life

-then says she wants to move out on her own first

-says she has to be independent first

-according to what i know there is/was/will etc be another guy (still wants to marry me...Which is very very confusing)

-talked a few times nothing much yet

So questions-

What do i do? I keep telling myself why do you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you, but so far has not worked. Lol

-Do i keep it lite when we talk?

-Is it wrong for me to keep the idea of an us again?

-Wrong if i get mad, if we do start to talk and she did hook up with someone?

-I dont get why i can love someone that has hurt me so much?

-I guess the thing that im most hung up on is that, its open ended, there’s a possibility for another us according to her when we last really talked? So what I do does it have action towards another us(ie hooking up with other girl etc)Not that im even thinking about that right now really?

-I dont want to hang around forever but also dont want to date some one in 1,2 hell 6 months if that will mess us up, if there will be an us?

-Does gigs really take 2 years to get past?

^^^^ If so to above questions- I guess i just dont get how it takes that long for you to relize you messed up and lost a good one.

-Im just confused because everything was going good, was not a problem with us more a problem with where we are in age group.

-What does the first break up mean? Is that what she wants in the future just can not right now? When we first broke up she said she wanted to move out etc with me and then she said she could not right away? Cold Feet? Etc?

What should I do? I have been the nice guy, saying I would help her move etc? NC is all ready blown lol?

General Advice?

What was the first break?

Sorry for the really really long post....I hope it makes some since.

Edited October 7, 2011 by Oneday4545

October 7, 2011

One of my highlights of this post was this

then one night we got into a fight about something on Facebook, about how she did not have couple pic and all the other couples did etc.

I ran into this too.

Ok, so I've heard that I want "Independence" line from my friends ex. Its bull****. You did the right thing with the mutual breakup. With a breakup though, the friendship has to end. You can't be friends with your ex as long as you have feelings. In the end all you will be is a glorified rebound if you do get back together again.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t279056/

Read this post here by homebrew... Its a great guide of things you should do...

October 7, 2011

One of Homebrew's posts that was deleted was the one about "Phases" what GIGS really happens to be is egocentrism and the truth is that it doesn't mean they are likely to come back it just asserts the possibility for resurgence of feelings because they don't ever deal with them and all that jazz.

The only way to NOT be a glorified rebound is to reject any offer at reconciliation down the road and see if they "crawl through broken glass on their knees" as Homebrew put it in his post.

Your ex doesn't appear to have gone crazy...yet and you handled yourself very well. Do not contact, do not respond to contact for atleast a year and only then be aloof and meanwhile date others once you heal.

It's a perfectly natural thing for her to do and in the end will result in a better person or a person you don't want anything to do with. I'm struggling with this mind set alot due to resentments etc. but the truth is she's simply being a dumb kid and will very likely realize what she lost one day.

Don't take her back at the first sign of hope. Improve yourself drastically and STAY SINGLE for atleast 3-6 months to process. Go out and hookup a time or two but no relationship, ok? Now is the time to work on all of the things that your relationship put on the backburner.

It seems that while immature she still handled everything ok and treated you with respect. This is the note you vanish on. If you have to be a little rude if she contacts you alot wanting to be friends, lean on you etc.

"You broke up with me, deal with it on your own."

"I'm not your friend, your boyfriend or your orbiter. I have my own life live yours."

Be cool about it and assert your personal boundaries. Something I've learned is to force yourself not to think about it for awhile and let perspective come as your detach emotionally.

We are all here for you in this trying time and want you to learn, grow and change into a better man due to this experience which in the end is a blessing in disguise because of the platform for growth and perspective evolution you now have.

Keep your head up, buddy!

Homework:

http://al.turtlecounseling.com

www.bettermen.org

Google search attraction and alpha male.

Hopefully a few of the other guys will come aboard and relate some specific material for you.

I think books by David Deangelo cover alot of this in one specific place. I've found alot of free info that amount to the same information and it has helped me greatly. You need your mojo back, your boundaries in place and your future to be bright no matter who is involved so get started because now you're 100% in charge and nobody is weighing you down or holding you back!

Edited October 7, 2011 by EgoJoe

October 7, 2011

Yes let me start out with saying yes we both been very civil (for the most part ) haha which i think shows class on both parts, but I donno i get the NC and stuff just seems harsh?

If i can keep my cool(assuming she can too) why cant i be friends? im gonna hear she is dating some one or the oppisite etc pretty quick threw the grape vine... Which i dont think ether of us want.

Or ether want the random hook up, I have had a few chances have not really taken them yet, as has she.

So do keep up with the NC then? (kinda all ready broke that tho)

Respond to her texts when she texts me?

Some people say **** her don't talk to her at all etc.... Others say be nice, respond/let her now how you feel.

I guess dealing with is thats its not just a little fight or anything its really over right now.

The hardest part im dealing with is, the unknown is it really over, Last we talked she wanted another us/as did i but both needed time to grow, with reading online etc on this forum i can see why, dont really get it because i guess i did not have these feelings of my space etc. I just feel like everything i do right now has a role in how my life plays out for the rest of my life, its prob not true but right now thats what it feels like

Thanks for all who have read/posted and are going to post, It helps alot to talk about it with people who have no idea who i am/or each etc so its not so biased as talking to a friend or something.

Also what was the first little break? why did she say she wanted to move in and then not did a complete 180?

October 7, 2011

One of the things you are going to learn is she is going to date other people. Thats why NC is so important. Its going to crush you when you find out.

NC is not harsh? How is it harsh, its about you separating your feelings from her and moving on. She decided she did not want to be in a relationship with you anymore which is her choice. Now you make a choice that best suits you and move forward with your life without her in it and that is done by NC.

Read the very first post in the Grass is Greener thread in my signature. Read it over and over and over and over again. All your questions will be answered there

October 7, 2011

Hey man. Find the posts that Wilson and I both started off with and go down the list chronologically.

You think you're the first super nice guy that had your thoughts? Do what you gotta do but you'll be back saying OMFG I feel two inches tall she told me (insert painful story).

I want you to think about YOU not her. YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON YOUR LIFE!

You want her back, want yourself back first, give her the gift of missing you while you heal, move on and become better. You'll make leaps and bounds while she's bouncing back and forth. I'm not going to argue with you or hold your hand.

You want to vent? Go for it. You want advice on moving on or dealing with her contacting you, go for it. We know this situation and we're going to spare you the hand-holding coddling approach. Flowers won't cut it, friends won't cut it, one year without you MINIMUM is what it's going to take before she gives a flying **** about anything that happened between you two and even then there is no telling what will happen next.

It's over. She's done, stick a fork in it. Want MORE for yourself than to be Doormat Guy, Backburner Man and/or Rebound Boy.

This is all stuff that was told to me early on but in phases. I'm not holding punches for you man. You did well so far from what we've read. Now be a man and walk away. Tell her off when she contacts you and ignore the BS contact after that until it's been a long time and she contacts with something meaningful or nothing at all.

Don't know if it's a crumb? Ask us. We got your back, dude.

It's over, she's done and you need to start to act accordingly. We've been there. I'm not downing on you. Call it tough love via text from afar. I promise you that your suffering will not last forever and that you are about to embark upon a journey that will change your entire life for better or for worse the outcome is your decision.

Afterthought: Wilson and I have ignored your questions at the end because right now they mean nothing you won't accept the truth now. Read the GIGS thread he refers to. To blindly pursue answers now might deviate from your model of the situation and I promise you that you will see things alot more clearly in a few months from now. Right now, stop thinking about it, her or what happened. It will be hard and you will not succeed completely, but, keep at it until you can do that with ease. Then I encourage you to reflect.

Edited October 7, 2011 by EgoJoe

October 7, 2011

Okay, Thanks for all the posts.

So what do i say when she trys to contact me? Just that i dont think its the best idea to talk right now?

or

That she has made up her mind, and just being friends right now is pointless???

Also i will be seeing her over the the next 2-3 weeks at friends partys? If she trys to have a deep convo? Trys to talk at all? Etc

October 7, 2011

Okay, Thanks for all the posts.

So what do i say when she trys to contact me? Just that i dont think its the best idea to talk right now?

or

That she has made up her mind, and just being friends right now is pointless???

Also i will be seeing her over the the next 2-3 weeks at friends partys? If she trys to have a deep convo? Trys to talk at all? Etc

I have this same question.... Just not talking and not explaining why seems harsh. I obviously don't want to tell my ex all the reasons why, but what exactly do I say?

October 7, 2011

I have this same question.... Just not talking and not explaining why seems harsh. I obviously don't want to tell my ex all the reasons why, but what exactly do I say?

How about nothing, you do not have to explain your own personal boundaries. You make a decision on what you want to do and do it. That's it. I will tell you no contact is not easy by any means, I'm 4 months out and struggling myself with my exs breadcrumbs.

See here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t300897/

October 7, 2011

What if the girl is being rude and distant already? Already going out with groups and such? GIGS blows and the fear of it being greener on the other side

October 7, 2011

Then why would you want to talk to them

October 7, 2011

Cant seem to let it go? Let it fail? Want them to be the person we want them to be too badly. Made the mistake of being captain fix a hoe and save her from her past

October 7, 2011

It's ok to say, "I don't want to talk to you or be your friend."

Then stick to it! It's ok to CHANGE YOUR MIND LATER if they come forward with something significant enough.

An afterthought edit. Go to other partys.

Edited October 7, 2011 by EgoJoe

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