Dont know how to go about this

[RockGuy87]

Me and my Gf of 8 months have always had our problems but they always worked out and realized how stupid and small they were. We got into a dumb fight on Tuesday about something I said and she took the wrong way. She hopped all over me and I cant stand when she does that. I tried to tell her the way I meant what I said and that i should have worded differently but she had no remorse. She always says"Whatever bye." Or "stop texting me". Happens almost every argument. So I do. She will then send something back thats sweet, like this time it was a screen shot of a past facebook wall where I had made some sweet status updates about her and the caption was " You use to love me". Anyways thats been two days now and she has just been constantly ignoring me. She is real bad about when something is wrong between us instead of working things out she goes out with friends and doesnt want anything to do with us. She did it every night so far but with people who she use to assoicate with. These people were bad news and a bad influence. They helped influence her drug use and giving up on school. So why does she all of a sudden go back to them? When we started dating it was helping to turn her life around so why does she go back? It kills me that instead of trying to improve us or move past this fight she goes out with them instead. I told her i was tired of being in 2nd place and our relationship being put on the back burner and her only reply was that "I didnt know what I was talking about and I couldnt read minds." Whcih was then most likely followed by a whatever bye. She rarely answers texts and I only called once. I ended it on facebook and when I told her she only said "wow". She still hasnt ended it or done anything like that. She knows im hurting and that what she is doing is killing us but yet she still is living in her own little world like nothing is happening. I hate it cause I know if she wasnt out with people she would be hurt by all of this.

 

Sorry for the rambling but its nice to write all of this down. Any advice on what my next step should be?

[RockGuy87]

Anything????

[Zabs]

Manipulative tactics it sounds to me to get you to know your place! She KNOWS you will worry about her activities with that group..but still that's what she chosen to do.

 

Sit back, have a margarita and know that that's all it is. My advice would be for you to nip it in the bud this time...or you will be set for an unhappy realtionship with this girl full of unrealistic compromises on your part and you will be treated like a doormat.

 

Zabs xx

[RockGuy87]

Thanks for the reply. Its just killing me to be ignored or for her to not really realize what is happening. I was different than any other guy she had dated and was the one who actually treated her right. I am just trying to stay strong on NC. Like right now I wanna text and say sorry for bombarding her with texts and to call if she wants to talk about this. Her reason for not talking to me was because she didnt know what to say to me.

[Zabs]

Well don't push it then. Given time and space the words always come

 

Zabs xx

[nature]

She sounds extremely immature and nowhere near ready for a relationship of the calibre it sounds like you want. Running back to that crowd is easy, and a great form of punishment for you. She is passive aggressive by ignoring you and running with that crowd -- all meant to hurt you, and control you by showing you that if you are a "bad boy" and speak your mind or stand up for yourself, look what you'll get. So be a good boy and do everything the way she wants it, and then you won't get punished. Its extremely sick, childish behaviour and you are playing in to it by giving her attention for it. You need to be a man, take the bull by the horns, and tell this "little girl" that you are no longer playing her games. Trust me. You will not have a healthy relationship with this person at the stage she is at in life. If you are sticking around in hopes that you can "fix" her with your love, it won't happen. She needs to fix herself, outgrow her childishness and accept that nobody deserves to be treated the way she is treating you. She is doing it because you put up with it and it works. She hurts you with it and she knows she hurts you. I hate to break it to you, but this kind of behavious is not love. It is self-love for herself, but not even that. She is consumed with herself right now, and you are not going to change that.

 

Remember this quote and think about it: We get treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated.

 

You are allowing this. When are you going to stop allowing it? When are you goign to walk away like an adult, with dignity and your head held high, saying loud and clear with your actions that you are not going to accept this behaviour in your life?

 

When?

[Mack05]

Me and my Gf of 8 months have always had our problems but they always worked out and realized how stupid and small they were. We got into a dumb fight on Tuesday about something I said and she took the wrong way. She hopped all over me and I cant stand when she does that. I tried to tell her the way I meant what I said and that i should have worded differently but she had no remorse. She always says "Whatever bye." Or "stop texting me". Happens almost every argument. So I do. She will then send something back thats sweet, like this time it was a screen shot of a past facebook wall where I had made some sweet status updates about her and the caption was " You use to love me". Anyways thats been two days now and she has just been constantly ignoring me. She is real bad about when something is wrong between us instead of working things out she goes out with friends and doesnt want anything to do with us. She did it every night so far but with people who she use to assoicate with. These people were bad news and a bad influence. They helped influence her drug use and giving up on school. So why does she all of a sudden go back to them? When we started dating it was helping to turn her life around so why does she go back? It kills me that instead of trying to improve us or move past this fight she goes out with them instead. I told her i was tired of being in 2nd place and our relationship being put on the back burner and her only reply was that "I didnt know what I was talking about and I couldnt read minds." Whcih was then most likely followed by a whatever bye. She rarely answers texts and I only called once. I ended it on facebook and when I told her she only said "wow". She still hasnt ended it or done anything like that. She knows im hurting and that what she is doing is killing us but yet she still is living in her own little world like nothing is happening. I hate it cause I know if she wasnt out with people she would be hurt by all of this.

 

Sorry for the rambling but its nice to write all of this down. Any advice on what my next step should be?

 

It sounds like you two are just not compatible for another. I would go no contact (even if she eventually contacts you) and stay NC. Here is something which has always helped me from the book getting past your breakup..

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately.

 

There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below..

 

1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again.

 

5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on.

 

6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it.

 

7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't.

 

I am now nearly 2 months NC. I have nearly broke NC quite a few times. Happily I didn't. Here are a few things I did when I was close to breaking NC

 

1) Write a journal/diary first thought that was in my head. Don't edit it..

2) Write Letters to my ex that I am never going to send..

3) Call a friend of family member for support and Vent on LS..

4) Take a long hot bath..

5) Picked up some new hobbies or really focused on the stuff I love doing. During my relationship and the afermath, I lost my passion for alot of things I used to love. I went out and got my passion back..

6) Go for a long scenic walk..

7) Go to the gym..

8) Pampered myself. Went off to a hotel for the day in the country with 2 bottles of cheap champagne. Happy days!

9) When I started to overthinking about my ex and her faults/behaviour, I reeled myself back and focused on me again..

10) Wrote short term and long term goals and tick them off one by one..

 

Remember continuing to seek contact or respond to contact just keeps you stuck and adds to your hurt. It's counterproductive to building a new and meaningful life. We all deserve better...

[RockGuy87]

Thank you so much for the support and advice. I know LS helps a lot becuase it helped me a year ago get through my last relationship that ended pretty badly. I know the power of NC and how to get over someone and how AMAZING one feels after finding happiness alone but I cant seem to want to start that path again. That path was a rough couple of months and was one of the most difficult times of my life. Nature, i got chills when I read what you had wrote. She is extremely immature. So much so that Ive called her on it and damn was that a mistake ahahah. But she is a couple of years younger than I and did have a very rough childhood with her family and she has always talked about how mature she is and such. This is why when she would tell me she wanted to live together, have kids and marry someday i took it all lightly. Probably cause the last girl before her also promised those things. She is young and i think i just fell victim to being the only one who stayed around with her and her first love. Thats why she said those things. I hate that I want it to work out but somehow deep down I feel if it does it only delays all of this for another time. I just cant see myself doing that healing process all over again after only being a year and 8 months.

[Glove_slap]

It sounds like you two are just not compatible for another. I would go no contact (even if she eventually contacts you) and stay NC. Here is something which has always helped me from the book getting past your breakup..

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately.

 

There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below..

 

1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again.

 

5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on.

 

6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it.

 

7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't.

 

I am now nearly 2 months NC. I have nearly broke NC quite a few times. Happily I didn't. Here are a few things I did when I was close to breaking NC

 

1) Write a journal/diary first thought that was in my head. Don't edit it..

2) Write Letters to my ex that I am never going to send..

3) Call a friend of family member for support and Vent on LS..

4) Take a long hot bath..

5) Picked up some new hobbies or really focused on the stuff I love doing. During my relationship and the afermath, I lost my passion for alot of things I used to love. I went out and got my passion back..

6) Go for a long scenic walk..

7) Go to the gym..

8) Pampered myself. Went off to a hotel for the day in the country with 2 bottles of cheap champagne. Happy days!

9) When I started to overthinking about my ex and her faults/behaviour, I reeled myself back and focused on me again..

10) Wrote short term and long term goals and tick them off one by one..

 

Remember continuing to seek contact or respond to contact just keeps you stuck and adds to your hurt. It's counterproductive to building a new and meaningful life. We all deserve better...

 

Can I confess my undying love for you?

[RockGuy87]

I dont understand if she knows what she is doing is killing me and us then why does she keep us together on facebook? How can she seriously ignore someone and have me even tell her that she is messing up big time and yet she still wants to act like everything is ok and just ignore it all.

[KathyM]

She doesn't sound like relationship material if she is a former drug addict who goes back to her druggie friends as soon as you and she have a fight. Time to move on and find someone more capable of giving you what you want in a gf.

[RockGuy87]

Im starting to feel bad because the last thing I said to her was "Thanks for the relation****". I said it out of anger and still am upset but should anything be done about this?

[RockGuy87]

UPDATE: So agianst most judgement I texted her. It was mainly just saying that the comment I had made was uncalled for and I was sorry, but that her feelings had obviously changed and I was ok with that. I then told her that I didnt need my things back and they werent that important to me.

 

She replied with, "my feelings have not changed for you and never will. I'll be 40 and still in love with (she used my first, middle, and last name which was a thing between us). But sorry youve accepted whatever you think and okay. But thanks for the sorry.

 

It probably wasnt the best idea but at least it didnt go ignored...

[CarrieT]

Don't text her anymore and block her on Facebook.

 

Then the healing will begin. Otherwise you will continue to obsess over it...

[Chi townD]

She's cheating on you.......

 

It might not be with a guy or a girl...but cheating none the less. She's displaying the type of behavior. Let me explain.

 

She knows that you HATE when she hangs out with this people. And really, when things are good, she has no excuse to hang with them. So, why not pick a fight!

 

You two get in a fight and she leaves. Now, she has an excuse to hang with them because, in her head, you're being an ass and she isn't married to you, so she can hang with these folks because you can't dictate who she hangs out with. And if he doesn't like it. Tough! We're not married.

 

Hence she's cheating on your relationship because she's putting more of a value on these toxic friendships more than your relationship.

 

Go NC on her. She made her choice and she chose them over you. You deserve better.

[RockGuy87]

Thanks for the response but I dont think thats the case here. She has always been one to hate on cheating and is one who would be straight up rude to let one know it was over before it ever got to that. Not saying the thought didnt run through my mind, probably because thats what my ex did to me. If anything there might just be a guy she thinks is cute or has some interest in. But knowing how most people are, how do you truly believe someone when they say no? Read a post on here earlier where the ex gf was crying and begging for the guy back and yet she got caught seeing another dude. I know i have trust issues but its hard to not have them with so many sketchy people around.

[Chi townD]

Okay, you're not seeing the point here. She would rather hang out with these bad influences than with you. Therefore, she's cheating you out of a relationship with her. If she values hanging with them more than you...then time to move on.

Edited October 7, 2011 by Chi townD

[RockGuy87]

Its a "long" distance. She lives and hour away and is from my home town. I used to leave college and go spend weekends and holidays there. So at least im not there and being ignored. Just was on the phone which sucks.

[lovesickmonkey]

Chi Town D, I think you've come up with the answer. She "creates" the fight so she has an excuse to be with the bad friends. Ugh. I had to live with that for a few years: she trying to create tension and arguments that weren't there. Walk away unless you are also an emotional 12-year-old.

[RockGuy87]

As much as I hate it I think you guys have something here. Idk if thats why she creates the fights, but this time for sure why it is "enough" for her is so she can hangout with those people and do things she wasnt "let" do in the relationship. Mainly just smoke weed. I found out the times she went out this week their were two dudes there with the group of girls that she said were just old friends. She of course still says there was no "talking" or flirting but hell why would she tell me if there was? I just cant believe she wants to keep being a child and doing those childish things. Ive explained to her sooo many times why I dont like her smoking or going out to parties but hell the party thing was a same thing put onto me. Im just hurt cause while i give my all to a relationship and to the girl, i lose my close friends. I make her my true best friend and dont have time or need anyone else. So while she has a weekend planned out most likely (with other dudes more than likely being around). Im stuck here sick as hell.

[Sugarkane]

I stopped at drugs, a massive red flag.