ParadiseNotes Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I am a MW with no children involved in an A for the past year and a half with a colleague. We have been friends many years before the A started. For the first six months all was ok afterwards we had many arguments, mainly trust issues. He didn’t trust me and was accusing me that I want ‘both words’, I didn’t trust him because of the fights and his ups/downs in his mood. When he was upset he wasn’t talking to me for few days then coming back again. I am in love with him and somehow I always believed that we can manage things. He is the only reason I wanted to end my M but after all these arguments/fights I just don’t know if it’s worth it. Yes I’ve made terrible mistakes when I accepted him in my life as well as for keeping him waiting for so long but I just couldn’t make up my mind due to his character. For the past two months he went into NC although I asked him to reason with me, I pleaded, I cried but he just left without any explanations for two months. Last Monday he broke the NC but I was so upset and mad I just can’t accept anything from him anymore. He told me how much he loves me, that he wants to be with me and that he couldn’t see any other option than to leave two months ago as I wouldn’t end my M. I feel lost, angry and I resent him a lot since Monday. Yes I have feelings for him but do not want to get hurt again. He left so many times and the last one was for such a big period that made me believe that he was playing and didn’t care for me. Shall I give him another chance? Is he for real?
skywriter Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Another chance? Another chance for what? What exactly are you offering him?
Author ParadiseNotes Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Another chance? Another chance for what? What exactly are you offering him? Another chance for us to try and be together despite of all our arguments. I am not giving excuses so as not to leave my M. If we work things out I will seriously consider leaving my H. But I am afraid to get hurt again.
Author ParadiseNotes Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Why aren't you just the bees knees. Do you hear what you are saying? How unrealistic it is? You want to give him the chance to continue to be your affair partner? You want to give him the chance to wait alone at night while you go home to your unsuspecting hubby? You want to give him the chance to hang in there while you cheat on him with your husband? Do you see how selfish you sound? You are this hurt by your affair partner leaving. How do you think your husband is going to feel? I know it is all about you, his feelings do not matter nor do the feelings of your affair partner. you want your dessert and pig out on it too and you are hurt your affair partner is smarter than that. I hope your husband wises up. My intention was and is to be with the OM, if he just let me get close to him. Yes I am afraid to get hurt again, its not easy to live between two lives. I am mostly afraid of the OM leaving again without even trying to solve our problems cause I love him and want to be with him.
bentnotbroken Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 My intention was and is to be with the OM, if he just let me get close to him. Yes I am afraid to get hurt again, its not easy to live between two lives. I am mostly afraid of the OM leaving again without even trying to solve our problems cause I love him and want to be with him. So what you are saying is you don 't want to be married to your husband but it isn't bad enough to leave him unless there is someone else waiting in the wings for you to go to. Hmmmmm:confused:. If your marriage is that jacked up, then leave it and be on your own. If you are looking for someone to rescue you, then you are in for a world of pain. So what you are feeling now is just the beginning. You are setting up a situation that will result in a world of hurt for a lot of people. Is that your goal?
Author ParadiseNotes Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Your biggest problem is you are married. How is he to solve that? Simple, by showing me that he is stable and with no ups/downs all the time. I am afraid of his character and thats the only reason I have not yet left my H. My M is not a disaster but I am in love with the OM. Maybe you think I am giving excuses, maybe you think i want it all, but I am not.
reboot Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 My M is not a disaster but I am in love with the OM. If you're in love with another man, then your marriage is, by any definition, a disaster. You should really divorce your husband, whether you and OM get back together or not. Is your husband really such an evil person that he deserves to be treated like this?
skywriter Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 ParadiseNotes, As a single woman, who was involved with a MM, I can only give you my perspective as such. It's very difficult to live in the shadows, and it can change how you would normally process things emotionally. You're all over the place and you sacrifice your integrity. Eventually ,even the most patient of people become, angry. All you have is time, to mull all this over and over, filling in the blanks yourself, because the married person only has time for brief encounters. They certainly don't want you spoiling that brief encounter with their insecurities. I don't mean to sound sarcastic, but, this is all my truth as I have experienced it. I believe you've had to conside this being in an A.
Author ParadiseNotes Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 No I think you are being extremely selfish. how is he to be stable without ups and downs when he has to watch the woman he loves go home to her husband every night? Of course he is not stable, that's what affairs do to people. You just expect him to be a good little boy and tow the line for you while you stay with your husband. Damn this poor guy. How about you prove to him you love him by leaving your husband. Yes, you are right. However, the OM left so many times, the last one was for two months. I am just afraid that he might do all these again and hurt me, even after I leave my H.
East7 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Paradise, Your post makes absolutely no sense. You are giving him nothing but words..and he is telling you that you want the best of the "both worlds". Is he wrong ? Why should he trust you? Are you being trustful ? And what are the fights about? Oh let me guess, he fights because he is fed up with waiting for you ? Would those fights even exist if you two were together ?
Author ParadiseNotes Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Would those fights even exist if you two were together ? Thats exactly what I am afraid of and one of the main reasons why I did not end my M yet. Are all these fights because of the situation or because of our incompatible characters? I have a life decision to make and trust me it is not easy for a woman to choose under these circumstances. It is a constant battle between the mind and the heart. If only you were in my shoes you can relate to what I am saying.
Heart On Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Simple, by showing me that he is stable and with no ups/downs all the time. I am afraid of his character and thats the only reason I have not yet left my H. My M is not a disaster but I am in love with the OM. Just maybe,he is afraid of your character,your ups and downs and whether you are stable or not.Afterall,you are the one who is "committed" to someone else,yet cheating and in my mind,that says alot about your lack of character, and without proving that you love him by leaving your marriage and taking the risk to be with him,good, bad and ugly,why should he stick around on the sidelines waiting for you to make up your mind? He's doing what any rational OM would do.Giving you space to make up your mind and stop straddling the fence. If you are looking for some sort of guarentee,stop waiting,because there is none that he can make.If anything,he should be more concerned as to whether you are worth the risk,considering he knows what you are capable of doing to someone you claim to love. How about this? Inform your husband that you are in love with another man,that you have been cheating on him for the past year and a half and give HIM the opportunity to end your marriage for you. I can attest,the second I realized that I could NOT stop thinking about a man other than my husband,I told him the truth of my feelings,before it got sexual,and separated.It was the right thing to do. Only problem was....the other man I was dealing with was a MM who's motto was "Lie and Deny" so I wound up leaving my marriage over a player with serious commitment issues....but in the end,the fact that my marriage was over in my heart,made my choice to leave all the smarter for all concerned and I didn't play my husband for a fool. He is the only reason I wanted to end my M. The truth will set you free and since you can't decide,don't you think it would be BEST to evaluate your marriage on it's own merit and not leave the burden on your OM as to whether you are ready to end your marriage or not? Obviously,you marriage is over in your heart or you would not be cheating on your husband. Do your OM and Husband a favor...sh*t or get off the pot.
East7 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 Paradise, I have a very enlighting thread for you. is he your OM? : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299265/ If not, you can get the perspective from someone who is in your OM's shoes.
Author ParadiseNotes Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Paradise, I have a very enlighting thread for you. is he your OM? : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299265/ If not, you can get the perspective from someone who is in your OM's shoes. No he is not, but very similar stories. Thank you. I am not saying that the OM does not have his perspective. Its more like 'he said, she said'. I want to end my M for him but the question that keeps coming into my mind is 'Is it worth it or not?. I am not offering excuses, I just try to make a life decision.
SBC Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 You should divorce your husband, dump your OM and live alone for awhile. Figure out what you really want for yourself without infringing on the lives of others until you do so. I am a HUGE believer that all women should live alone as adults for a good long time.
Author ParadiseNotes Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 paradisenotes you are not leaving. you do not have the courage to leave. If you did you would not have been involved in an affair in the first place. Be kind and let your affair person go. So what you are saying is that all MP involved in an A do not have the courage to leave?
skywriter Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 For the past two months he went into NC although I asked him to reason with me, I pleaded, I cried but he just left without any explanations for two months. Last Monday he broke the NC but I was so upset and mad I just can’t accept anything from him anymore. He told me how much he loves me, that he wants to be with me and that he couldn’t see any other option than to leave two months ago as I wouldn’t end my M. This is what you posted, and it sounds perfectly understandable to me, why he is staying away.
reboot Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 I want to end my M for him but the question that keeps coming into my mind is 'Is it worth it or not?. I am not offering excuses, I just try to make a life decision. You don't end your marriage "for him". You end your marriage because you don't want to be married to your husband. So if OM isn't going to be there, you'll just settle for being married to your husband? Lucky him....
East7 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 No he is not, but very similar stories. Thank you. I am not saying that the OM does not have his perspective. Its more like 'he said, she said'. I want to end my M for him but the question that keeps coming into my mind is 'Is it worth it or not?. I am not offering excuses, I just try to make a life decision. Bull**** Your actions don't match your words. If you want to be with OM then stop playing games, get a divorce and he will stop fighting.
Author ParadiseNotes Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 If you were courageous and not afraid of screwing up your marriage you would be honest with your spouse and tell them you would like to tango with someone else. You would not cheat just to try the person on for size. You would be bravve enough to leave and be brave enough to try honesty. It takes courage to be honest with your feelings. It's much easier tohide and play and around with zero repercussions if your playing doesn't work. My intention is to leave my M if only we could have a bit more normal R with my OM. I know the situation does not help, but all I asked him was to be next to me and not run away so easily after each and every argument. I strongly believe that the problems are not solved this way.
Author ParadiseNotes Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Banging my head against the wall. No wonder why he is arguing with you. You are very unrealistic. You can not have a relationship with someone while being married to someone else. it is an affair. A hidden sneaky around affair not a relationship. A relationship comes when you tell your husband and make your affair legit. I agree. I am not offering excuses, i am just afraid to have another failed M with my OM.
Author ParadiseNotes Posted September 30, 2011 Author Posted September 30, 2011 Does your hubby know he is in a failed marriage or did your marriage fail when you fell in lust with your affair partner? You do not have kids. Why would you stay with your hubby if you do not love him. I love him, we went through a lot, but I am not in love with him.
Lucky_One Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 The chances are very good that you WILL have a failed relationship with OM if you were to divorce and have an open R with him. Most relationships DO fail. You are pretty daggone cake-ish here. You want to stay married for the money, the security, the safety net of companionship OR you want s guarantee that this EMA will morph successfully into a forever R. There are zero guarantees in life. End your marriage for YOU - not because you want to jump right back into a committed R with someone else. If you can't be happy by yourself, then you stand a very good chance of not ever being happy with someone else.
Lucky_One Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 And to answer the question in your title - NO, the OM is NOT playing with you. He is being honest and straight forward with you. He will not be in a R with you while you are married to someone else, because it is too painful. YOU, on the other hand, are playing with HIM. Leave him alone, and let him start to heal and move on, while you get your head together and decide if you are brave enough to be on your own with no one to rely on except yourself.
stressed7 Posted September 30, 2011 Posted September 30, 2011 This is chicken and egg situation. Your OM will commit when you end the M, and you will commit only when the OM turns out to be better than your H. The question is who will blink first? What if he commits, you end your M, get into R with OM and then it ends ? Who is to say that your R with OM, even after he commits will last till eternity. That's why people are asking you to end your M not because of your OM, but because it has died in your heart. If it has not died in your heart then you are stringing your OM. Remember you have a fall back option, your OM does not. It is far easier for you, and hence you should take the first step.
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