Why is it so hard for an ex to let go?

[R32]

Alright long story short, my ex gf broke up with me after 3.5 years together. This occurred while she was on her exchange in Europe. We didn't speak for several months. Upon her return, she contacted me and wanted to talk. I agreed, and we sat down and everything went the way I expected.. She wasn't interested in getting back together.

 

After this initial meet up, she kept contacting me to hang out etc. As things progressed, we were hanging out more frequently. Things were also getting very intimate. We were literally a couple without the status of a couple. However, it was always in the back of my mind that she had no intention of getting back together.

 

Anyways, this was going on for around 3 months... I noticed lately she was being a bit distant, and it seemed as if she only hung out with me whenever she didn't have other plans. On top of this, whenever we were hanging out the past few times she was always on her BBM. This really pissed me off, as I felt she didn't respect my time.

 

Anyways, I had enough and basically ignored her for about 3-4 days. She kept texting and phoning, both of which I ignored. She knew why I was ignoring her but was still persistent. Eventually she got a hold of me by phoning from a different phone. She was crying and upset, and I continued to explain why I was avoiding her. A few days ago by again, and she phones me in the middle of the night asking if she could see me the next evening. I agreed, and she started to cry asking me to promise her.

 

So we met up, started to talk and she apologized for her behavior. She asked if I still wanted to be "friends" with her, and I told her a part of me does, but the other part doesn't etc. So we kept talking, and she's starting to cry again. She tells me she misses the best, and misses when we were in our prime before the break up. I told her I did too. And just to break my curiosity I asked if she's hooked up with anyone else since being back from Europe. She replied no. I then asked if she's seeing anyone else. She was quiet and then said "kind of" I asked who it was and she wanted me to promise her I would still keep talking to her.

 

I found out it was this guy who she kind of had feelings for about 2 years into our relationship. They stopped talking initially and things were cool up until we broke up.

 

I told her we can no longer be "friends" as our "friendship" has been a little more than just normal friends. She kept asking why, and at this point is bawling her eyes out. She kept telling me to not push her away and not to delete her out of my life etc. She kept saying she needs me etc, and for the first time since we broke up, she told me she loved me.

 

I told her if we continued this friendship things would get messy. Her new guy would definitely not approve of us hanging out. I also told her until she's ready and open to the idea of us potentially working things out there wasn't a point for me to stick around. Because if I do, I'm always going to be pursuing her.

 

She continued to cry and tried to reason with me. Eventually she left still crying. I phoned her a little later in the night to make sure she was fine, and she was still crying. I know I shouldn't have but I stayed on the phone with her until she fell asleep. In the morning my plan was to bring back all her stuff while she was at school. Unfortunately, as I arrived her car was in the driveway.... I knocked on the door and she came down already in tears, wearing one of my sweaters. Begging me to not give back her stuff, and that if I did then it was implying goodbye. As this was happening, her dad pulls in so I kind of just left the stuff on the porch and told her I had to go. She brings the stuff in and phones me as I'm driving off, again bawling her eyes out. I felt bad so I asked if she wanted to sit down and talk about it. She agreed and I turned back around.

 

As we sat down, she hugs me tight and continues to cry. Telling me that she loves me with all her heart, and that she needs me in her life. I proceed to explain again why I can't be apart of her life anymore. I also advised her that maybe a relationship with someone new isn't a good idea at this point considering she's not emotionally stable. Anyways, long story short we shared more than a few kisses and exchanged about a dozen i love yous and I headed out.

 

I went back later to drop off some more stuff while she was out, also said goodbye to her dad.

 

She's tried phoning me since.. but I've ignored.

 

What the hell is going on?

[EgoJoe]

You're essentially a backburner guy with all of the benefits of a relationship and none of the commitment.

 

I think you would do well to go 100% NC for a few months to get your head straight and be more aggressive about your boundaries.

[TheDovic]

Dude I'm in the same situation. My ex was at my house last night crying her eyes out too, telling me how she misses me and wants to be a part of my life. Like you I didn't give in, but I also have no clue what's going on.

 

For both of us our ex's obviously still have strong feelings. How have you behaved when you've been spending time together? I see she has been on her phone a lot, so maybe you need to be a bit more tough with your boundaries (i.e. show her you're a man) and TELL her if she's with you then the phone goes off.

 

Is there anything else you've been doing i.e. do you think you've been acting like a friend? (by asking her about her day, telling her everything about your life, always being available when she wants to meet etc...)

[Renard99]

I think you'd do well to go totally NC with her. You've already told her why you can't be friends, the fact that she wants everything that goes with a relationship except the commitment. If she still persists then momentarily come out of NC to reiterate and reinforce your reasons for exiting her life before going straight back into NC again.

 

You're also right with telling her about not being in a relationship. It's not fair on you as she is, effectively, stringing your emotions along, and it's not fair on the other guy as he hasn't got her undivided attention when he probably thinks he has.

 

As EgoJoe says, I think you need to find it within yourself to stick to more strict boundaries. Telling her you can't see each other but then sharing "more than a few kisses" certainly isn't helping your situation. Total NC will help that.

[R32]

Thanks guys, she tried phoning again in the middle of the night.

 

As for how I behave around her, I guess I just treat her like how I did when we were dating. I know I shouldn't, but because we never really talked about it I assumed we were working on things. As for the BBM thing, it used to just annoy me but I'd eventually get over it or she would just put her phone away if I asked. However, the other night I was already upset with her because she cancelled out on plans we'd made.

 

Just in general, I've been treating her like my gf. I touched her whenever I wanted, kissed her whenever I wanted, etc. We kind of fell back into our comfort zone to say the least. But the type of friendship we had was DEFINITELY more than just friends. You could tell we were more than friends just by being around us.

 

Anyways, I'm going to continue NC for a while and then maybe break that to reiterate why we are no longer in contact. To help her cope with the guilt, she's kind of twisting around the situation. She believes we are NC because I'm choosing to do so. Not because this is the consequence of her decisions.

[jordjones]

Retake the power. Tell her you aren't going to play her games anymore. You should show her some anger that one last time. Then stick to NC.

[R32]

So should I continue NC or should I persist and take control? I know she's down to meet up or talk so.. I mean that is to my advantage right now.

 

Ultimately I do want to be with her, and I do want to fight for her if there is a chance.

[R32]

If I do go through with breaking NC, I was planning on telling her I still loved her, and that I would put in as much as it takes to make it work. And at this point, if she declines, I would put in extra effort to make sure she doesn't contact me, and complelely delete her from my life. Basically saying "friends" would no be an option as her seeing this guy we have history with is a slap in the face.

[R32]

So.... she phones me Wednesday night at 1 am.... I was already asleep so I didn't really pay attention when I answered.

 

I asked her why she was calling me, and she said she just wanted to hear my voice. We ended up talking a bit and keeping the conversation light. I fell asleep, and I guess she did too as when I woke up we were still on the phone... 6 hour convo.

 

Anyways, as much as I do enjoy her company, I know this has to stop. It's either she's willing to work things out or this is goodbye. I popped by her house Thursday night, and texted her to come out as I had a few things for her. She looked sad, as she thought I was bringing more of her stuff back. But I actually brought cookies and ice cream to kind of break the ice.

 

She asks for a hug, and wraps her arms around me tightly.. I told her to sit down on the porch as I felt we should eat and talk.

 

In conclusion, she said she sees me in her future, and she wants to get back together. However, she does have feelings for the other guy. And she knows that if she gets back with me now, the temptation would always be there with the other guy. They go to school together, and are heavily involved in extracurricular activities. So she wants to break her curiosity and pursue him etc.

 

She says that even from the beginning she always saw us having a good run, then eventually breaking up for a period of time where we dated other people, and then somewhere somehow we would end up together.

 

I told her I understood, however being friends is not an option. The calls, texts need to stop if she is choosing to pursue the other guy. She tried to reason, asking if we could maybe just not talk for a week or two and then see how we both feel. Unsure what that would accomplish.... then she went on to ask if we could talk once a week etc. I told her no, I think NC would be appropriate for this time. She was sad, but I think she got the point.

 

Before I left, I gave her a little tiara, and said "I remember you said you really missed Disneyland and how happy we were. So this is just a little reminder of that, and you've always been my princess. I hope the next guy can give you no less than you deserve"

 

We exchanged I love you's, held hands and kissed one last time, before saying goodbye.

 

So now we've been NC for 3 days.... hopefully it gets easier.

[leoc1973]

Man it seems like you could totally take control of this situation but you are letting it get away from you. She turns on the tears and you love her so you give in. You sit on the phone with her for 6 hours and what does this tell her? It tells her that you will be there for her after she goes out with this other guy. You tell her she will always be your princess and this tells her she has you where she wants you. If she loved you the way you deserve to be loved then she wouldn't have any temptation. The word love is thrown around way too easily sometimes. She is spoiled she probably always got whatever she wanted by turning on the tears. You guys are young right? This is a typical young girl mentality she wants her cake and eat it too.

 

I know you probably have a strong desire to contact her just to say a few last things you feel like if you just tell her this or that she will crack and come back to reality. Leave her alone! she will contact you... over and over I guarantee it. She really likes you and your history but there is a shiny new toy she wants to play with but she still doesn't wanna give the old one away.

 

The problem you are going to have here is that you can let her explore this new guy but you will never trust her again and you will never be able to look at her the same way once she sleeps with this guy if she hasn't already. However, if you go full NC she will probably crack over fear of losing you and then always have the temptation from the other guy anyways. I think the best advice is for you two to take a break. By break I mean you go out with other girls too. You might find one that REALLY loves you and who you love too then you can leave that damaged spoiled brat in the dust. If it is all one sided tho and she goes out with other guys you will never get over it.

[Thieves]

In conclusion, she said she sees me in her future, and she wants to get back together. However, she does have feelings for the other guy. And she knows that if she gets back with me now, the temptation would always be there with the other guy. They go to school together, and are heavily involved in extracurricular activities. So she wants to break her curiosity and pursue him etc.

 

This says it all right here, really. She wants you back, but she also met someone else who she's curious about, but if that doesn't work out she would still like to have something with you afterwards.

 

What I don't respect is how she talks of this new guy as if he's a chess piece. Even if she may have feelings for him, her saying that she just wants to basically test this guy out to 'break her curiosity' and see if he's better than you is neither kind, nor good. For you or him.

 

Secondly, I think you were being a bit too kind/easy on this girl. I understand you have a lot of deep feelings for her, and vice versa, but you are not a couple. 6 hour phone calls, ice cream, tiaras... Why is this happening? Let me asking you something, R32. Imagine this whole situation with your ex, minus the all tears from her. Imagine that she keeps phoning you up, minus the tears. Imagine you and her talking, minus the bawling her eyes out. Would you be more likely to fall for her pleads?

 

It's not complicated, it's not messy. It's just a simple fact of her really wanting to hold on to you - while trying out this new guy. Yes, she's been crying her eyes out - but here's what you need to know: that's what us girls do when we're sad. It's how we express ourselves. We're emotional, and it's natural to be sad and cry when something we cherished so much comes to an end. But I'm telling you as a woman, it's very important not to put too much stock into this crying business, otherwise you'll fall for anything she tries to pull. We all like to believe that our exes are above doing things like that, but more often than not we are the rule itself, not the exception.

 

You're on the right track with NC right now. Stick to it 100%, no phone calls, texts, etc. Otherwis she'll never believe you when you say you're going NC. She cannot truly know the depth of her decision if you don't allow her the time (completely free of you) to think about it.

[Thieves]

She is spoiled she probably always got whatever she wanted by turning on the tears. You guys are young right? This is a typical young girl mentality she wants her cake and eat it too.

M'hmm. I very much agree.

[R32]

Thanks for the input guys,

 

I've broken my curiosity and I believe I've done everything I can now to make it work.

 

I plan on taking things one day at a time at this point.

 

I'm going on day 4 of NC..... she has yet to contact since we last spoke.

[R32]

Gahh day six of no contact.... I thought this was supposed to get easier =( The hardest part is she lives literally 2 minutes away.

[PositiveNegative]

R32,

 

Same position as you man. Ex broke up with me a month ago. Is dating another guy now despite me pleading with her to give herself time to think. My ex said the same stuff.

 

"I'm afraid of never finding better than you"

"I need more experience to know that you are the one"

"If we are meant to be then we will be"

 

I know your pain, thinking of her with another guy is absolutely the most painful thought I have ever experienced. At the same time she still wishes we could be friends somehow, she's always been realistic about things so I cannot fathom how she thought this was possible. I guess I'm about 9 days NC now, but I am with you and also like you my ex lives within walking distance. I'm still hurting pretty badly and still have that hope for the future. I don't see myself letting go anytime soon and there really is nothing that anyone could tell me that would just make me not want her. And yes, I DO NOT want this hope but I know it will leave with time.

[R32]

Yeeeah.... I'm onto day 7 of NC. The hardest parts are the mornings and before I fall asleep.. I was really accustomed to her phoning before she slept, and waking me up in the mornings.

 

It sucks, because I know she's probably thinking of me too. Or maybe she isn't...

[R32]

Day 11 of NC....

 

So a bit of an update. My friend is a ******* idiot. I was at a wedding this past weekend, and we ended up at a club after with a few others as the reception ended quite early. Apparently one of my friends was phoning my ex. No one knows why, I know they talk over BBM sometimes, but unsure of the nature of the conversation. My other friend grabbed the phone when he saw the name of my ex on the phone and asked why he was talking to her. It was only 8 seconds in, so we're not sure if it was just the voicemail or if he actually had her on the line.

 

Anyways, the only BBM messages they exchanged that night was her saying "phone in ten minutes" after the first failed attempt call. Then the next message from my friend to her was "So I hear you're a whore now"

 

I spoke to him about it the next day, and he doesn't remember anything.. He checked his phone and the message is indeed there. He said he would try to fix it, but I'm unsure if he really will.

 

The reason why I care is because we ended things in a civil way, and I would hate to have the reputation of "the ex bf who's trash talking" She knew I was with that group of friends that night... And would be quick to assume either I said something or sent the message myself on his phone.

 

Whaat do i dooo??

[R32]

Btw, I haven't seen this guy in a while so he was unsure what happened between myself and the ex. When he asked, all I said was "We're not together anymore, apparently she's dating the guy she cheated on me with"

 

Unsure what my other friends may have told him, but it really wouldn't matter because she would assume it's me. FML end rant.

[R32]

So I found out he sent her a text to apologize except it sounds absolutely ridiculous and he's only trying to cover for himself.

 

"Hey, I was really drunk last night, I don't know if it was me or someone else who sent that message"

 

Then the next one was "I'm really sorry."

 

Like wtf, I thought he could've at least said "Hey, I was drunk dialing my ex gf, and that message was for her sorry!"

 

He ended up drunk dialing his own ex 3 times and now she refuses to speak with him. So I dunno how much damage he did to anyone else including my ex.

 

The only reason I care right now is because she is an important reference on application with the police department...along with her parents. I left on good terms, and would hate to leave a bad taste in her mouth.

 

She hasn't replied to any of his messages either...

 

A few of my friends said it's probably best I reinforce that apology and speak on his behalf... Especially since she probably things I was trash talking.

 

Any feedback?

[R32]

ANYONE??? I really don't want to break NC.......

[R32]

That didn't take long.... Day 12 of NC, and the ex tried phoning me. I ignored the call, but texted her "whats up" a few minutes later. She replies with "I know I shouldn't be phoning you, but I had to" I replied with "can't sleep?" She replies "No...." and I kinda left it at that.

 

She texted again this morning "I hope one day you'll talk to me again, until then I just wanted to let you know I got through the first screening for RIM"

 

I haven't replied.

 

Bread crumbs?

[PrissyDixie]

Originally Posted by leoc1973

She is spoiled she probably always got whatever she wanted by turning on the tears. You guys are young right? This is a typical young girl mentality she wants her cake and eat it too.

 

I tend to agree...I'm not sure what I can say that others haven't already said ~ you replying to text is contact; ya'll obviously have a connection but there are only two choices...1. Sever the tie and move forward or 2. Tell her how you feel and lay it all out on the line...the back and forth will hurt you more and damage your possibility of a friendship or more in the future!