FWB Says He Wants to Date... Then Turns Cold

[verhrzn]

A few weeks ago, I posted a thread about my current FWB situation (it's been about 2 1/2 months since it all started.) Posters in that thread assured me that someone who is looking for a relationship should not have an FWB, or it will scare a lot of relationship-minded guys off.

 

At the end of the thread, I was mostly convinced that I would be forced to end it with my FWB, and sooner than later was probably better, especially as I was hanging out with another guy one-on-one that had potential to turn into something.

 

So two weeks ago I sat my FWB down and told him that if he wasn't prepared to date me, I needed to dial us back to "friends only" and start trying to find someone who did want me. He was very shocked... He said that I'd gotten it all wrong.

 

He said he's had a hard time bringing this up, as he's only had 2 serious girlfriends in his life, and both of them were years ago. But he thought it was just understood that we already WERE dating... according to him, we are doing a lot of things that are outside an FWB arrangement (having brunch, meeting each other's friends and parents, etc.) and he's been "focusing exclusively" on me.

 

He also said that he doesn't remember how to do the "dating" thing (he told me that if he's doing something wrong, I should tell him), that he isn't sure if he sees a future with me (I'm like "duh, you've known me like 3 months") and he's worried about hurting me.

 

However, since then, it seems like things have changed, and not for the better. He still contacts me, but it's far less than before. We've hung out two or three times, but both times he's been more serious, less enthusiastic and carefree than before. He doesn't text or call as much, and when I suggested getting together to work out this week, he said "Sure, let's not make concrete plans for when just yet." He's never turned me down for plans before.

 

It's possible that some of this is due to other things in his life. His best friend had some very serious things happen right before our discussion (he asked to switch our date so he could be there for her, which I was glad to) but could it really effect him this much? I've asked him a couple of times if anything is wrong, and he's just said," I'm tired/stressed/just quiet, don't worry, it's not you."

 

But maybe it is me. I kind of wish I could take back the conversation... he was a lot more attentive and relationship-y BEFORE we discussed dating! I don't want to pressure him or turn into a drama queen, but I don't want to be taken for a fool. Should I just assume it was a big lie and avoid him?

Edited September 27, 2011 by verhrzn

[Sanman]

It has been two weeks. You need more data. If it continues this way for a few more weeks, my best guess is that all he wants is casual dating. You made him aware that you want a relationship and he is pulling back because he may not want that with you and feels bad. He did say as much. Are you okay with just casual dating that goes may never go anywhere or do you want to look for the relationship?

[Eddie Edirol]

Yes, it was a big lie. He is dialing his contact back because he knows his free strings ride is coming to an end. He still doesnt want a relationship with you, but tried to bullshyt his way to keep you from walking away, but he was never going to do the relationship thing. He was in two relationships, he knows what to do. Most people know whether or not they want to be with you in the long run, but if he says he doesnt, you will walk away, he knows this. You made him panic that his free ride is over, and its better for you because youre really wasting your time with him. You dont want to keep this FWB going just because you have nothing else to jump to. Its about time he showed his true colors.

[Ruby Slippers]

If he really wanted a relationship, he would have kept his energy at the same level or stepped it up, not dropped it back. His actions are saying it all.

 

If I were you, I'd cut him loose and move on.

 

Try not to feel bad about this. I'm starting to think that FWB relationships are too complicated.

 

Mine is getting complicated, due to the inverse situation -- he wants more than I do. And though he says he's OK with what we have, his actions say otherwise.

 

I am considering ending it because of this.

[Ruby Slippers]

Guys can tell when a woman has had a fwb in the past.

Well, we're branded forever, with The Scarlet FWB!

[Woggle]

Chances are this guy will never give you the relationship you want. This is why I think FWB relationships sound better in theory than they work in reality. Not judging anybody but it seems most of the time it is just a big ball of confusion.

[OliveOyl]

Sorry, but men in your age group interested in anything serious are dissipating and the few who are naive enough to want a relationship aren't going to bother with you because they at least suspect that you've had fwbs in your life.

 

This is one of the strangest statements I've ever read. Besides being thoroughly untrue, it doesn't make any sense. Having had a FWB in the past doesn't make a woman undesirable in the present.

[OliveOyl]

Biology, baby. nature made me to care far more for virgins(or close to it) than for experienced women.

 

men and women are different. Who would know?

 

This is just silly.

 

You are assuming a woman even tells you the details about her past. Chances are she will just refer to a FWB as a former "relationship" or "BF" anyway.

 

And guess what, save for an intact hymen, former lovers do NOT leave any scent or markers so what does biology have to do with it? There is no way you'd be able to tell.

[Mme. Chaucer]

This is just silly.

 

You are assuming a woman even tells you the details about her past. Chances are she will just refer to a FWB as a former "relationship" or "BF" anyway.

 

And guess what, save for an intact hymen, former lovers do NOT leave any scent or markers so what does biology have to do with it? There is no way you'd be able to tell.

 

I'm afraid that he's delusional.

 

If a guy is basing his opinion of you based upon "suspicions" that you've had a FWB, then good riddance! Whether he's paranoid, believes he can read your mind, or thinks he can smell another man's semen on your body (even if it was deposited there years ago), he's not a healthy individual and definitely not one you want to spend a moment of your time with.

 

OP - I think the ball is in his court. You can only work with what he gives you, and it sounds like he is not giving you much at all. You deserve more than that; we all do.

[torn_curtain]

that he isn't sure if he sees a future with me

This doesn't sound good. I'd cut 'im lose.

[kiss_andmakeup]

It seems like he was just telling you what he knew you wanted to hear. When faced with losing his reliable source of sex, he said what he had to say to keep you around.

 

That's my take on it anyways.

 

I'd give it another week, at most, and if it keeps up, say "It's obvious by your lack of contact and enthusiasm that you're not actually interested in a relationship. So I think it's best that I move on."

 

Keep in mind that every week you spend with this guy is a week to become more emotionally attached to him. Best to cut him loose before your feelings get stronger and it hurts more.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'd give it another week, at most, and if it keeps up, say "It's obvious by your lack of contact and enthusiasm that you're not actually interested in a relationship. So I think it's best that I move on."

I like this idea, except I think it's a little soft and leaves room for him to respond -- by stepping up contact and being more enthusiastic temporarily, to keep her hooked.

 

If you decide to end this, I'd say something more final that is not at all open-ended, like: "I have decided not to see you anymore." The end. And then stick to it. If you don't, you'll communicate that you have weak boundaries and can be pushed around.